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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 661449" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Cedar</p><p></p><p>A quick response to this. I have been reacting and responding to and reading the Lil and Jabber Family Reunion thread.</p><p></p><p>I became teary and vulnerable reading at what happened. Others reacted ho hum, believing that this miscommunication and over-reaction was a normal part of family life particularly those with D C's.</p><p></p><p>I think the difference between normal families and ours are two things, that I can think of now.</p><p></p><p>1. In our families their is intent either to abuse or intent to do terrible things irrespective of whether they are abusive or not.</p><p></p><p>2. In us, this repeated betrayal by those who have defined our world leads to an extraordinary vulnerability across the board, principally a mistrust of ourselves, mistrust of others and the tendency for self-blame.</p><p></p><p>When I look at the paragraph I just wrote I find it stunning that I was able to have any relationship at all with my FOO. Which leads me to include the tendency towards using cognitive distortion to obfuscate our thinking about any distressing event involving our FOO to fog our thinking about our experience to discredit our perception of what we have seen.</p><p></p><p>When I started this post I wanted to reassure you that at any point you could decide to see your family. If you read the Family Reunion thread there are very strong posts taking the point of view that puts the D C as the center of the dysfunction. </p><p></p><p>As I read them I felt that perhaps my experience with my own family made me too sensitive to the foibles of Jabber's and Lil's family. That I was too quick to see intent where there might not have been. That these people got caught up in something they did not understand, and they were the real victims. In other words, I began to see the Family Reunion as I would have if it were me with my family. And it was my fault or that of my son.</p><p></p><p>To believe the sister was an innocent victim when she allowed Lil and Jabber to drive off believing their child was safe, that there was no intent; believing the sister who dropped off the package, without even calling to the room, was an innocent victim, and the harm was not intentional; that the sister who realized that it was the wrong thing to bring Lil's son to her parents' home, yet did so anyway, without calling Lil and Jabber to problem solve right then; to tell myself that these were harmless decisions without real meaning or consequence. That the real problem after all is the D C. This is what I asked myself to do with my feelings about my sister, when she would do hurtful thing after hurtful thing. Doing this with my brain and heart was wrong.</p><p></p><p>So, I get back to what I wrote above: intent and vulnerability. There is always the opportunity to make another kind of decision about your family, my family. But we are always left with the question about intent and vulnerability. And what we must do to our perceptions and feelings when the two things clash.</p><p></p><p>I do not think any longer I would stuff it, bury my feelings about what I have seen in any interaction with my sister. I think I would confront it.</p><p></p><p>And I know already from long experience what the result of that would be. And it would not be good.</p><p></p><p>So as long as we live there is the opportunity to choose differently, as I did with my mother. It is a matter of interpretation whether my choice to do so was a good thing for me. I think it was. How could I think otherwise?</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 661449, member: 18958"] Dear Cedar A quick response to this. I have been reacting and responding to and reading the Lil and Jabber Family Reunion thread. I became teary and vulnerable reading at what happened. Others reacted ho hum, believing that this miscommunication and over-reaction was a normal part of family life particularly those with D C's. I think the difference between normal families and ours are two things, that I can think of now. 1. In our families their is intent either to abuse or intent to do terrible things irrespective of whether they are abusive or not. 2. In us, this repeated betrayal by those who have defined our world leads to an extraordinary vulnerability across the board, principally a mistrust of ourselves, mistrust of others and the tendency for self-blame. When I look at the paragraph I just wrote I find it stunning that I was able to have any relationship at all with my FOO. Which leads me to include the tendency towards using cognitive distortion to obfuscate our thinking about any distressing event involving our FOO to fog our thinking about our experience to discredit our perception of what we have seen. When I started this post I wanted to reassure you that at any point you could decide to see your family. If you read the Family Reunion thread there are very strong posts taking the point of view that puts the D C as the center of the dysfunction. As I read them I felt that perhaps my experience with my own family made me too sensitive to the foibles of Jabber's and Lil's family. That I was too quick to see intent where there might not have been. That these people got caught up in something they did not understand, and they were the real victims. In other words, I began to see the Family Reunion as I would have if it were me with my family. And it was my fault or that of my son. To believe the sister was an innocent victim when she allowed Lil and Jabber to drive off believing their child was safe, that there was no intent; believing the sister who dropped off the package, without even calling to the room, was an innocent victim, and the harm was not intentional; that the sister who realized that it was the wrong thing to bring Lil's son to her parents' home, yet did so anyway, without calling Lil and Jabber to problem solve right then; to tell myself that these were harmless decisions without real meaning or consequence. That the real problem after all is the D C. This is what I asked myself to do with my feelings about my sister, when she would do hurtful thing after hurtful thing. Doing this with my brain and heart was wrong. So, I get back to what I wrote above: intent and vulnerability. There is always the opportunity to make another kind of decision about your family, my family. But we are always left with the question about intent and vulnerability. And what we must do to our perceptions and feelings when the two things clash. I do not think any longer I would stuff it, bury my feelings about what I have seen in any interaction with my sister. I think I would confront it. And I know already from long experience what the result of that would be. And it would not be good. So as long as we live there is the opportunity to choose differently, as I did with my mother. It is a matter of interpretation whether my choice to do so was a good thing for me. I think it was. How could I think otherwise? COPA [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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