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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 661714" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>OK. I have gotten something FOO-related from that very long post I made. And it is this:</p><p></p><p>We already knew this:</p><p></p><p>When my son is suffering, I feel it is either my fault or my responsibility to fix, or both. And I cannot stand the feelings that come up.</p><p></p><p>When I am blocked from taking some constructive action...I go after myself. I am presuming here that I do so in response to the feelings. I think there must be a progression involved.</p><p></p><p>At first I just feel bad and go about my day as best I can.</p><p></p><p>Then, create a bad environment for myself, but not doing one good thing to make my day better. I feel bored. I feel self-disgust. In time, I have substituted myself as the problem at hand. No longer is it my son. It is me. </p><p></p><p>So this is the shift. I can do something about me. I can punish myself. I now have control. </p><p></p><p>The twist that has occurred is two-fold. </p><p></p><p>I have substituted myself for my son as the object of concern. </p><p>I have changed the affect from positive to negative.</p><p></p><p>This shift accomplishes several aims:</p><p></p><p>It turns passive to active. Which is to say, I can take action.</p><p>It punishes me. </p><p>In a primitive way, it saves my son. Because I have substituted myself as a victim, in place of him.</p><p></p><p>It seems clear to me why one would want to turn passive to active. That is, to be able to take action instead of waiting and worrying unable to do one little thing.</p><p></p><p>But the question that arises is why would I want to punish myself?</p><p>And that has to be looked at historically.</p><p></p><p>So I take action. I escalate I think or do something to bring myself down. </p><p></p><p>I scan my universe and hit on whatever crime I can find.</p><p>First I think it. Then I will actually act it out, like going after M.</p><p></p><p>But thing is, it is not only that I punish myself.</p><p></p><p>It is as if their is an imbalance, a disequilibrium in my psyche that I cannot tolerate. </p><p></p><p>It is almost as if there is a symbolic scale in my brain, and I set out to redistribute psychic weight between myself and whoever is the object of my concern. </p><p></p><p>When my son is distressed, and if I cannot do anything to ease my worries, this dynamic comes to have a life of its own, and I cannot continue as I am without some sort of psychic purge.</p><p></p><p>I give a pound of flesh, my flesh, to recreate balance. I do this by diminishing myself. By taking myself down. By insults and accusations, against myself and who I love, I attempt to dismantle what I have through my thinking. </p><p></p><p>By diminishing in my own mind and others, what I have, to the point of actually destroying it. Believe you me, if SWOT had not answered me, I would have gone on a rampage with M when he came home. And caused him unnecessary and undeserved hurt.</p><p></p><p>I begin to feel that I am or I am living in a way that is shameful and stigmatizing. (I have not discarded as significant, that I have chosen to live with and love somebody who is in a stigmatized class of persons; and that itself is a punishment.)</p><p></p><p>The thing is, with M I feel I have more, not less. </p><p></p><p>There are things to work on to be sure, but the whole of the thing is honest and truthful and dignified and respectful and healthy. </p><p>Even though I know that I have chosen a relationship that others might believe was wrong or improper. And even acknowledging that I may have done so for a reason...a psychological reason.</p><p></p><p>But back to the dynamic.</p><p></p><p>I begin to feel if I am living as if in an abusive relationship. That I am allowing myself to be abused. I feel shame. That I need to confess. </p><p></p><p>I am back to my past as a child. </p><p></p><p>And now I know I feel as if I am a small child with my father. And my mother is mad. And I know that one way or another I will be hurt. And I do not know what to do. It feels to be too much. I have no way out. I need to placate somebody. What do I do?</p><p></p><p>So, when my son is in distress, and there is nothing I can do, it feels like it was me.</p><p></p><p>And the only thing I can do is punish myself. And destroy what little I do have. Because that is only way I can cope with my feelings. Because I am a bad, bad girl. Because there is no escape, except for chewing off part of a limb.</p><p></p><p>So there we are.</p><p></p><p>Where are you Cedar? I hope everything is OK.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 661714, member: 18958"] OK. I have gotten something FOO-related from that very long post I made. And it is this: We already knew this: When my son is suffering, I feel it is either my fault or my responsibility to fix, or both. And I cannot stand the feelings that come up. When I am blocked from taking some constructive action...I go after myself. I am presuming here that I do so in response to the feelings. I think there must be a progression involved. At first I just feel bad and go about my day as best I can. Then, create a bad environment for myself, but not doing one good thing to make my day better. I feel bored. I feel self-disgust. In time, I have substituted myself as the problem at hand. No longer is it my son. It is me. So this is the shift. I can do something about me. I can punish myself. I now have control. The twist that has occurred is two-fold. I have substituted myself for my son as the object of concern. I have changed the affect from positive to negative. This shift accomplishes several aims: It turns passive to active. Which is to say, I can take action. It punishes me. In a primitive way, it saves my son. Because I have substituted myself as a victim, in place of him. It seems clear to me why one would want to turn passive to active. That is, to be able to take action instead of waiting and worrying unable to do one little thing. But the question that arises is why would I want to punish myself? And that has to be looked at historically. So I take action. I escalate I think or do something to bring myself down. I scan my universe and hit on whatever crime I can find. First I think it. Then I will actually act it out, like going after M. But thing is, it is not only that I punish myself. It is as if their is an imbalance, a disequilibrium in my psyche that I cannot tolerate. It is almost as if there is a symbolic scale in my brain, and I set out to redistribute psychic weight between myself and whoever is the object of my concern. When my son is distressed, and if I cannot do anything to ease my worries, this dynamic comes to have a life of its own, and I cannot continue as I am without some sort of psychic purge. I give a pound of flesh, my flesh, to recreate balance. I do this by diminishing myself. By taking myself down. By insults and accusations, against myself and who I love, I attempt to dismantle what I have through my thinking. By diminishing in my own mind and others, what I have, to the point of actually destroying it. Believe you me, if SWOT had not answered me, I would have gone on a rampage with M when he came home. And caused him unnecessary and undeserved hurt. I begin to feel that I am or I am living in a way that is shameful and stigmatizing. (I have not discarded as significant, that I have chosen to live with and love somebody who is in a stigmatized class of persons; and that itself is a punishment.) The thing is, with M I feel I have more, not less. There are things to work on to be sure, but the whole of the thing is honest and truthful and dignified and respectful and healthy. Even though I know that I have chosen a relationship that others might believe was wrong or improper. And even acknowledging that I may have done so for a reason...a psychological reason. But back to the dynamic. I begin to feel if I am living as if in an abusive relationship. That I am allowing myself to be abused. I feel shame. That I need to confess. I am back to my past as a child. And now I know I feel as if I am a small child with my father. And my mother is mad. And I know that one way or another I will be hurt. And I do not know what to do. It feels to be too much. I have no way out. I need to placate somebody. What do I do? So, when my son is in distress, and there is nothing I can do, it feels like it was me. And the only thing I can do is punish myself. And destroy what little I do have. Because that is only way I can cope with my feelings. Because I am a bad, bad girl. Because there is no escape, except for chewing off part of a limb. So there we are. Where are you Cedar? I hope everything is OK. [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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