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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 661819" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Shame is a strange thing. Global shame...I am thinking here Copa about how harsh you have been with yourself in other conversations; I am thinking about the words you use to describe yourself physically, and how hurtful those choices of words have sometimes been. I am thinking about the quality of mercy, and about the number of times we have posted about your need to cherish and befriend yourself, and about honor and mercy for who you are, for all you have come through.</p><p></p><p>And all I have come through, and all SWOT and IC too, have come through.</p><p></p><p>Only you can know Copa, whether the deficits involved in your relationship to M outweigh the wonder of your relationship to M. The deficits are real. So is the wonder. </p><p></p><p>If M makes you happy, bless yourself and have him. If the nature of the relationship is such that you are questioning your commitment to it, then bless yourself and leave him. </p><p></p><p>I do know this, Copa. Shame and FOO issues play a part in how you see your relationship to M because they play a huge part ~ perhaps the defining part ~ in the way you see and cherish yourself. </p><p></p><p>If M is not honoring you, then he must leave. Healing FOO issues is a pain filled, confusing process. We are changing. We are learning to replace contempt and self hatred with honor for ourselves. It is a confusing process. We are no longer sure of who we are or of how we feel or of what we value. We require steady support, unconditional love, true respect.</p><p></p><p>Those are the things we require, now. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>He chooses this life, Copa.</p><p></p><p>If he were not happy, he would be doing something else. That he suffers is an effect of the lifestyle he chooses. We cannot change that. What we can do is maintain our healthy boundaries. We can find it in our hearts to love them where they are. We do not get to enable. Enabling will lead to loss of respect for us and for themselves. There is no love Copa, without respect.</p><p></p><p>Enabling destroys respect and turns our children into beggars and storytellers.</p><p></p><p>So, we don't get to enable. It would be better for us if we could learn not to punish ourselves for choices others are making.</p><p></p><p>I had to learn that.</p><p></p><p>It was hard, but I did it. You can, too. Sometimes, I just don't speak. </p><p></p><p>Respect that your son is making a choice to self destruct. Imagine yourself consoling the mother of a child your son's age with a terminal illness. It will help you to understand your situation more clearly Copa, if you can do that. </p><p></p><p>What is happening to you now is one of the scariest things that could ever happen to anyone.</p><p></p><p>None of this is easy. Give yourself credit for having survived it thus far.</p><p></p><p>We all should do that. </p><p></p><p>You knew when you adopted your child that his would not be an easy life. What you could never have suspected is that, once you got him safely through his childhood, the danger to him would come from himself.</p><p></p><p>How would you comfort a mother in your position, Copa? With compassion, but not pity. She would be a strong woman, to have survived all that she has thus far.</p><p></p><p>You would respect her for that, Copa.</p><p></p><p>This is how you must treat yourself. Admire yourself for your courage in fighting him for his own sake, Copa. Bless yourself for the way you love him and for your courage in letting him go.</p><p></p><p>I think there is no greater pain than watching our children self-destruct.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Maybe you don't feel you deserve to live; maybe, you are afraid to move ~ afraid to say or do the wrong thing. Maybe, you feel that you must be punished because he suffers and that is just the place FOO beliefs can get a toehold and overwhelm us, and once they do, they never stop until we are dead, literally or figuratively.</p><p></p><p>I was afraid like that about two years into daughter's acting out. I could not know what I had done, so I stopped doing anything. I stopped interacting in the same way with my son, too. He says to this day that I abandoned him. I was no longer sure of myself; I no longer felt the authority or validity of a mother.</p><p></p><p>How did I come back from that?</p><p></p><p>I didn't.</p><p></p><p>I created a life having nothing to do with children. I was scared to death when I had grands ~ so afraid that whatever I had done to my daughter and then, to my son, I would do also to them.</p><p></p><p>As I see it now, I did marvelously well as a mom at home ~ beautifully! But when the feedback was no longer bright, healthy children learning and growing well, I collapsed into FOO reality. Because, knives at the ready, they were waiting to pounce, those old belief systems. </p><p></p><p>Poof.</p><p></p><p>I was gone.</p><p></p><p>That is the enemy, Copa. FOO teachings and learnings.</p><p></p><p>That is why we are doing this good work we are doing here on this thread. To eradicate their rules and their teachings and even their memories, and replace them with healthy and real things.</p><p></p><p>It is working. We are doing so well.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 661819, member: 17461"] Shame is a strange thing. Global shame...I am thinking here Copa about how harsh you have been with yourself in other conversations; I am thinking about the words you use to describe yourself physically, and how hurtful those choices of words have sometimes been. I am thinking about the quality of mercy, and about the number of times we have posted about your need to cherish and befriend yourself, and about honor and mercy for who you are, for all you have come through. And all I have come through, and all SWOT and IC too, have come through. Only you can know Copa, whether the deficits involved in your relationship to M outweigh the wonder of your relationship to M. The deficits are real. So is the wonder. If M makes you happy, bless yourself and have him. If the nature of the relationship is such that you are questioning your commitment to it, then bless yourself and leave him. I do know this, Copa. Shame and FOO issues play a part in how you see your relationship to M because they play a huge part ~ perhaps the defining part ~ in the way you see and cherish yourself. If M is not honoring you, then he must leave. Healing FOO issues is a pain filled, confusing process. We are changing. We are learning to replace contempt and self hatred with honor for ourselves. It is a confusing process. We are no longer sure of who we are or of how we feel or of what we value. We require steady support, unconditional love, true respect. Those are the things we require, now. He chooses this life, Copa. If he were not happy, he would be doing something else. That he suffers is an effect of the lifestyle he chooses. We cannot change that. What we can do is maintain our healthy boundaries. We can find it in our hearts to love them where they are. We do not get to enable. Enabling will lead to loss of respect for us and for themselves. There is no love Copa, without respect. Enabling destroys respect and turns our children into beggars and storytellers. So, we don't get to enable. It would be better for us if we could learn not to punish ourselves for choices others are making. I had to learn that. It was hard, but I did it. You can, too. Sometimes, I just don't speak. Respect that your son is making a choice to self destruct. Imagine yourself consoling the mother of a child your son's age with a terminal illness. It will help you to understand your situation more clearly Copa, if you can do that. What is happening to you now is one of the scariest things that could ever happen to anyone. None of this is easy. Give yourself credit for having survived it thus far. We all should do that. You knew when you adopted your child that his would not be an easy life. What you could never have suspected is that, once you got him safely through his childhood, the danger to him would come from himself. How would you comfort a mother in your position, Copa? With compassion, but not pity. She would be a strong woman, to have survived all that she has thus far. You would respect her for that, Copa. This is how you must treat yourself. Admire yourself for your courage in fighting him for his own sake, Copa. Bless yourself for the way you love him and for your courage in letting him go. I think there is no greater pain than watching our children self-destruct. Maybe you don't feel you deserve to live; maybe, you are afraid to move ~ afraid to say or do the wrong thing. Maybe, you feel that you must be punished because he suffers and that is just the place FOO beliefs can get a toehold and overwhelm us, and once they do, they never stop until we are dead, literally or figuratively. I was afraid like that about two years into daughter's acting out. I could not know what I had done, so I stopped doing anything. I stopped interacting in the same way with my son, too. He says to this day that I abandoned him. I was no longer sure of myself; I no longer felt the authority or validity of a mother. How did I come back from that? I didn't. I created a life having nothing to do with children. I was scared to death when I had grands ~ so afraid that whatever I had done to my daughter and then, to my son, I would do also to them. As I see it now, I did marvelously well as a mom at home ~ beautifully! But when the feedback was no longer bright, healthy children learning and growing well, I collapsed into FOO reality. Because, knives at the ready, they were waiting to pounce, those old belief systems. Poof. I was gone. That is the enemy, Copa. FOO teachings and learnings. That is why we are doing this good work we are doing here on this thread. To eradicate their rules and their teachings and even their memories, and replace them with healthy and real things. It is working. We are doing so well. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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