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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 661903" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Well, that is the thing with my sister. She seems so vulnerable, she cries huge tears at the drop of a pin, she cries loud and hard in front of everyone. What else do I know about my sister. She is very tired all the time. She talks like she has laryngitis when she is tired, so you will know she is at the end of her rope, coping-wise.</p><p></p><p>We had posted before about the manipulation involved when someone with beautiful eyes watches you while their eyes fill with tears.</p><p></p><p>Oh man, I am getting mad at myself for not having seen these things before. But...what was it I was supposed to be seeing. </p><p></p><p>Then, there is this other side, this other set of true things. These changes in her seem to have occurred either after her marriage or after my father died...after her last marriage, I would say. She has money, now. Maybe that has freed her to act openly. As I see her in this new, hard-eyed way, I see other things, strange hurtful things, she has done to me for all of her life.</p><p></p><p>Or maybe, I am the one seeing more clearly. It is likely that my sister has always been this way. I was just so focused on that family dinner imagery I had going on that I believed my way past what she did and right into ~ I don't know what.</p><p></p><p>The question becomes whether I love her or fear her. She has always had access to me; she still does. Only now, she is hearing things she does not want to hear and so, is not choosing to stalk or threaten or pursue me. I no longer agonize over how I will handle a call from her. It is true that I have been forever supportive of my sister. That is the essential change, here. That is the difference in the words I said during our last conversation. It is true that she was crying silently and misjudged her timing...so that was a manipulation, too.</p><p></p><p>Why?</p><p></p><p>Why doesn't matter.</p><p></p><p>The danger there would be that my mother will die in her care and I will never see my mother again and feel guilty about that forever and blah, blah, blah.</p><p></p><p>I am having trouble fitting things together around my sister. </p><p></p><p>My relationship to my mother, and my mother's relationship to me, is between myself and my mother.</p><p></p><p>It has nothing to do with my sister.</p><p></p><p>Except it certainly does seem to have everything in the world to do with my sister. Isn't that something.</p><p></p><p>And she did stalk and hurt my child; what aunt does that kind of thing?!? It was a kind of naming, for my sister to have done that to my daughter. That would explain why she then had to be certain I knew what she had done.</p><p></p><p>Right?</p><p></p><p>Because she did want me to know that she "knew".</p><p></p><p>Like it was a secret or something, when all either my sister or my mother would have had to do was to make a phone call. I think I was still taking their calls in that time....</p><p></p><p>It is hard to believe what I think I know could be true.</p><p></p><p>It is probably important for me to keep at this until, as happened with my mother too, I finally believe it.</p><p></p><p>I still keep seeing my sister's eyes fill with tears. I keep seeing her as such a pretty young girl. I see hateful things, too. Very bad things she did; very bad attitudes and behaviors toward me.... The same kinds of things going on now, now that I think about it. That same kind of ridicule and isolation and victimization.</p><p></p><p>Remember, "What would Cedar do?"</p><p></p><p>And they laughed and laughed about that; and my sister made sure I would know that my mother had been turned.</p><p></p><p>Why else would that happen?</p><p></p><p>Anyway. My conclusion is that there is something the matter with my sister. She hates me like a green eyed snake. If I were dead, she would do everything in her power to destroy my memory or change my story. She is behaving as though I am dead, now.</p><p></p><p>She is changing my story, now.</p><p></p><p>It is one thing to leave a situation alone. It is something wicked to do what my sister has been doing ~ especially when I add in the Wizard of Oz plaque, the "sisters online" group she was trying to start (the premise there being that sisters can be found anywhere). She wanted me to be part of the group; I was invited as she formed it. I did not participate because life is full and I had so little interest in "sisters" I did not know. It was supposed to be that each of the "sisters" would be loyal to one another in a business and in a personal sense. I don't know whether she found online sisters or not. If she did, I suspect they would have ulterior motives like my real sister does, too. They would deserve one another, if this were true. </p><p></p><p>My sister is forever looking for those kinds of guarantees. It echoes the "pact of non-exclusion". It echoes the fundamentalist Christian concept of no divorce in the marriage she entered into the last time. </p><p></p><p>But again, the sisters online thing ~ it was strangely insulting. I disregarded those feelings, like I always do for her sake. It could be true that sisters can be found in many places...but I think not. Friendships of the heart, love between friends is a right and true thing; something closer than sisters have, perhaps.</p><p></p><p>But a sister is a sister. Whether we love or hate or feel nothing for them, our sisters are unique in all the world.</p><p></p><p>Like everything my sister touches, the internet site was, of course, counterfeit from its inception.</p><p></p><p>It is the same question: What is the win? It cannot be just my parents' house. Surely my sister could buy her own house. It is almost as though she wants to be king. That is the feel of it, in every way. And if we haven't noticed that she is king now, then she does and says the strangest things. That part, I absolutely believe. The part about wanting to be king, I mean. I don't know about those other mean things I said. Sister may not know a thing about the potential behest to the disabled grand; it is true though that my mother's feelings have changed most blatantly, and most shockingly, regarding this grand. And that while this change occurred after my father's death, it did not happen until my mother had been spending winters at my sister's for a few years.</p><p></p><p>And when the change happened, it was sudden and seemingly, irrevocable.</p><p></p><p>Could it be true that my sister holds that kind of power?</p><p></p><p>Here is a true piece of what happened with that grand: My sister and my mother both seem to have developed a thing about intelligence. Who is "smart". My sister is forever harping about my mother being so "smart". (As an aside: My sister has never been known for her "smarts". I don't know how that fits in here, but I am sure that it does.) Anyway, when my mother was telling me about how her feelings for the disabled grand had changed, <em>her rationale was that she should not have to spend time with people who were not "smart", who were not entertaining.</em></p><p></p><p><em>The brain power of the disabled grand was not, of course, affected by her physical disability. She is a beautiful woman with a full intellectual complement.</em></p><p> <em></em></p><p>Things are just such a mess in my FOO. Every time I write FOO instead of writing out Family of Origin, I think of nlj's post on the definition of FOO in Wales.</p><p></p><p>In Wales? FOO is female genitalia.</p><p></p><p><img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite9" alt=":eek:" title="Eek! :eek:" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":eek:" />)</p><p></p><p>It seems this way to me: My goal (our goal) is to define ourselves in relation to our FOO. (Hello, nlj :O) Once we have what feels like the truth regarding the motives and reward systems fueling the strange things that happen when we interact with our FOO, we can begin accepting the truth of our situations as children and can begin disregarding the things we were taught to believe about ourselves.</p><p></p><p>That is our gold standard, here.</p><p></p><p>It seems to me now that my sister plays a bigger part in what happens in my FOO than I have believed possible.</p><p></p><p>It may be that my sister really does do these things; that she really does somehow manage to make them happen. I mean, not that they are not happening, but that they are happening at my sister's behest. That seems impossible, and like a very bad way for a person (me) to think about someone else, especially a sister. I suppose it will have to be like it was when I was trying to figure out the value in the interactions I had with my mother: No compassion; not yet.</p><p></p><p>Daughter spent time with the family of the grand with spina bifida, and with that grand and her husband, on July 5th. The topic of conversation was my mother, and the strange things that have happened since my father's death.</p><p></p><p>I wonder what I am trying to figure out, here.</p><p></p><p>How could one person hold that kind of power? </p><p></p><p>Oh for heaven's sake. It's like I have never progressed at all. I am still wound around what the win could possibly be, in my FOO. (Hello, nlj.) </p><p></p><p>What could it be?</p><p></p><p>Where is the win when surely my sister has enough money to buy her own second home on whatever lake she wants? It cannot be the inheritance ~ not of the house, and not of any of the stuff. </p><p></p><p>So, what is it that motivates my sister (and my mother).</p><p></p><p>Well, it could be an alliance with evil; it could be the naming and creation of perennial victims (my brothers and me) to bolster the self. </p><p></p><p>In a way, that is what happened to David Peltzer. (A Child Called It)</p><p></p><p>That would mean everyone else has to be a victim, and has to be victimized and cannot be anything but victims. That would be a heady power to believe you held. If you were unable to exercise it against someone like me, you might instead believe gathering with your fundamentalist Christian cohorts to call down a ring of thorns or fire or whatever it was would be just a great thing to do.</p><p></p><p>Do you suppose that is it?</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>I wonder why I am thinking so much about my sister. I am going to follow it down. Change is happening here. </p><p></p><p>I am becoming so angry.</p><p></p><p>It feels like being pinched repeatedly by someone very mean. Like that mean little girl in that show about life on the prairie with that handsome Little Joe Cartwright whose real name I can't remember but, woo!!</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>That was a pretty man.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>And actually, that is exactly what my sister does do, and has always done.</p><p></p><p>Pinch for the meanness in it. </p><p></p><p>And just as is true of my mother, you do not love a sister enough to love her out of wanting to pinch you. Interesting that my sister would justify herself (her tiredness and martyrdom where my mother is concerned) based on the concept of "loving" her out of her dysfunction. For heaven's sake. She was using my own concepts against me and pinching me the whole time.</p><p></p><p>But, why.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>That is the guilt my sister is employing against my mother. And I saw it and I heard it and have even described so many incidents of it here...but I did not believe my mother harbored guilt over what she had done when I began this.</p><p></p><p>How extraordinary.</p><p></p><p>It looks like I will get this unraveled to my own satisfaction after all.</p><p></p><p>How important my longing for a sister has been to me. How my longing for that stupid dinner has impacted my life and belief systems since the beginning. Part of that was that if things looked beautiful and well done, I believed my mother would be able to relax and enjoy...and would be happy; and that is where I accuse myself, when things go so wrong.</p><p></p><p>That my mother was not happy and that I needed to stay vigilant, to keep my focus on her emotional state and not on anything else.</p><p></p><p>That could be.</p><p></p><p>It was a lovely fantasy. I am happy that I did that, that I tried to see them and myself like that. You never do know. It could have come true. That it didn't doesn't mean it was wrong to believe in it.</p><p></p><p>But for heaven's sake, how many times does a person have to get pinched before she gets a clue that things are not working?!?</p><p></p><p>roar</p><p></p><p>Grrrr.....</p><p></p><p>Jerks.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 661903, member: 17461"] Well, that is the thing with my sister. She seems so vulnerable, she cries huge tears at the drop of a pin, she cries loud and hard in front of everyone. What else do I know about my sister. She is very tired all the time. She talks like she has laryngitis when she is tired, so you will know she is at the end of her rope, coping-wise. We had posted before about the manipulation involved when someone with beautiful eyes watches you while their eyes fill with tears. Oh man, I am getting mad at myself for not having seen these things before. But...what was it I was supposed to be seeing. Then, there is this other side, this other set of true things. These changes in her seem to have occurred either after her marriage or after my father died...after her last marriage, I would say. She has money, now. Maybe that has freed her to act openly. As I see her in this new, hard-eyed way, I see other things, strange hurtful things, she has done to me for all of her life. Or maybe, I am the one seeing more clearly. It is likely that my sister has always been this way. I was just so focused on that family dinner imagery I had going on that I believed my way past what she did and right into ~ I don't know what. The question becomes whether I love her or fear her. She has always had access to me; she still does. Only now, she is hearing things she does not want to hear and so, is not choosing to stalk or threaten or pursue me. I no longer agonize over how I will handle a call from her. It is true that I have been forever supportive of my sister. That is the essential change, here. That is the difference in the words I said during our last conversation. It is true that she was crying silently and misjudged her timing...so that was a manipulation, too. Why? Why doesn't matter. The danger there would be that my mother will die in her care and I will never see my mother again and feel guilty about that forever and blah, blah, blah. I am having trouble fitting things together around my sister. My relationship to my mother, and my mother's relationship to me, is between myself and my mother. It has nothing to do with my sister. Except it certainly does seem to have everything in the world to do with my sister. Isn't that something. And she did stalk and hurt my child; what aunt does that kind of thing?!? It was a kind of naming, for my sister to have done that to my daughter. That would explain why she then had to be certain I knew what she had done. Right? Because she did want me to know that she "knew". Like it was a secret or something, when all either my sister or my mother would have had to do was to make a phone call. I think I was still taking their calls in that time.... It is hard to believe what I think I know could be true. It is probably important for me to keep at this until, as happened with my mother too, I finally believe it. I still keep seeing my sister's eyes fill with tears. I keep seeing her as such a pretty young girl. I see hateful things, too. Very bad things she did; very bad attitudes and behaviors toward me.... The same kinds of things going on now, now that I think about it. That same kind of ridicule and isolation and victimization. Remember, "What would Cedar do?" And they laughed and laughed about that; and my sister made sure I would know that my mother had been turned. Why else would that happen? Anyway. My conclusion is that there is something the matter with my sister. She hates me like a green eyed snake. If I were dead, she would do everything in her power to destroy my memory or change my story. She is behaving as though I am dead, now. She is changing my story, now. It is one thing to leave a situation alone. It is something wicked to do what my sister has been doing ~ especially when I add in the Wizard of Oz plaque, the "sisters online" group she was trying to start (the premise there being that sisters can be found anywhere). She wanted me to be part of the group; I was invited as she formed it. I did not participate because life is full and I had so little interest in "sisters" I did not know. It was supposed to be that each of the "sisters" would be loyal to one another in a business and in a personal sense. I don't know whether she found online sisters or not. If she did, I suspect they would have ulterior motives like my real sister does, too. They would deserve one another, if this were true. My sister is forever looking for those kinds of guarantees. It echoes the "pact of non-exclusion". It echoes the fundamentalist Christian concept of no divorce in the marriage she entered into the last time. But again, the sisters online thing ~ it was strangely insulting. I disregarded those feelings, like I always do for her sake. It could be true that sisters can be found in many places...but I think not. Friendships of the heart, love between friends is a right and true thing; something closer than sisters have, perhaps. But a sister is a sister. Whether we love or hate or feel nothing for them, our sisters are unique in all the world. Like everything my sister touches, the internet site was, of course, counterfeit from its inception. It is the same question: What is the win? It cannot be just my parents' house. Surely my sister could buy her own house. It is almost as though she wants to be king. That is the feel of it, in every way. And if we haven't noticed that she is king now, then she does and says the strangest things. That part, I absolutely believe. The part about wanting to be king, I mean. I don't know about those other mean things I said. Sister may not know a thing about the potential behest to the disabled grand; it is true though that my mother's feelings have changed most blatantly, and most shockingly, regarding this grand. And that while this change occurred after my father's death, it did not happen until my mother had been spending winters at my sister's for a few years. And when the change happened, it was sudden and seemingly, irrevocable. Could it be true that my sister holds that kind of power? Here is a true piece of what happened with that grand: My sister and my mother both seem to have developed a thing about intelligence. Who is "smart". My sister is forever harping about my mother being so "smart". (As an aside: My sister has never been known for her "smarts". I don't know how that fits in here, but I am sure that it does.) Anyway, when my mother was telling me about how her feelings for the disabled grand had changed, [I]her rationale was that she should not have to spend time with people who were not "smart", who were not entertaining.[/I] [I]The brain power of the disabled grand was not, of course, affected by her physical disability. She is a beautiful woman with a full intellectual complement. [/I] Things are just such a mess in my FOO. Every time I write FOO instead of writing out Family of Origin, I think of nlj's post on the definition of FOO in Wales. In Wales? FOO is female genitalia. :o) It seems this way to me: My goal (our goal) is to define ourselves in relation to our FOO. (Hello, nlj :O) Once we have what feels like the truth regarding the motives and reward systems fueling the strange things that happen when we interact with our FOO, we can begin accepting the truth of our situations as children and can begin disregarding the things we were taught to believe about ourselves. That is our gold standard, here. It seems to me now that my sister plays a bigger part in what happens in my FOO than I have believed possible. It may be that my sister really does do these things; that she really does somehow manage to make them happen. I mean, not that they are not happening, but that they are happening at my sister's behest. That seems impossible, and like a very bad way for a person (me) to think about someone else, especially a sister. I suppose it will have to be like it was when I was trying to figure out the value in the interactions I had with my mother: No compassion; not yet. Daughter spent time with the family of the grand with spina bifida, and with that grand and her husband, on July 5th. The topic of conversation was my mother, and the strange things that have happened since my father's death. I wonder what I am trying to figure out, here. How could one person hold that kind of power? Oh for heaven's sake. It's like I have never progressed at all. I am still wound around what the win could possibly be, in my FOO. (Hello, nlj.) What could it be? Where is the win when surely my sister has enough money to buy her own second home on whatever lake she wants? It cannot be the inheritance ~ not of the house, and not of any of the stuff. So, what is it that motivates my sister (and my mother). Well, it could be an alliance with evil; it could be the naming and creation of perennial victims (my brothers and me) to bolster the self. In a way, that is what happened to David Peltzer. (A Child Called It) That would mean everyone else has to be a victim, and has to be victimized and cannot be anything but victims. That would be a heady power to believe you held. If you were unable to exercise it against someone like me, you might instead believe gathering with your fundamentalist Christian cohorts to call down a ring of thorns or fire or whatever it was would be just a great thing to do. Do you suppose that is it? Cedar I wonder why I am thinking so much about my sister. I am going to follow it down. Change is happening here. I am becoming so angry. It feels like being pinched repeatedly by someone very mean. Like that mean little girl in that show about life on the prairie with that handsome Little Joe Cartwright whose real name I can't remember but, woo!! :O) That was a pretty man. *** And actually, that is exactly what my sister does do, and has always done. Pinch for the meanness in it. And just as is true of my mother, you do not love a sister enough to love her out of wanting to pinch you. Interesting that my sister would justify herself (her tiredness and martyrdom where my mother is concerned) based on the concept of "loving" her out of her dysfunction. For heaven's sake. She was using my own concepts against me and pinching me the whole time. But, why. *** That is the guilt my sister is employing against my mother. And I saw it and I heard it and have even described so many incidents of it here...but I did not believe my mother harbored guilt over what she had done when I began this. How extraordinary. It looks like I will get this unraveled to my own satisfaction after all. How important my longing for a sister has been to me. How my longing for that stupid dinner has impacted my life and belief systems since the beginning. Part of that was that if things looked beautiful and well done, I believed my mother would be able to relax and enjoy...and would be happy; and that is where I accuse myself, when things go so wrong. That my mother was not happy and that I needed to stay vigilant, to keep my focus on her emotional state and not on anything else. That could be. It was a lovely fantasy. I am happy that I did that, that I tried to see them and myself like that. You never do know. It could have come true. That it didn't doesn't mean it was wrong to believe in it. But for heaven's sake, how many times does a person have to get pinched before she gets a clue that things are not working?!? roar Grrrr..... Jerks. [/QUOTE]
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