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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 662357" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I want to try something out on you. I have been thinking since an afternoon post by SWOT about my son's kindness to animals, and how she responded favorably to him and felt that kindness to animals was a sign of a decent person.</p><p></p><p>And then later on I worked hard on a post to Lioness on another thread, that got erased by accident. The gist of the erased post was that when my son became hostile to me in his teens I plummeted into FOO madness, basically a riff on Cedar's posts on the same thread. </p><p></p><p>And I described to Lioness that my relationship with my son had until that time been highly satisfying to both of us, and the last thing I had anticipated would his rejection; that I became enraged that he was treating as he came to. I described the horrible situation that I had become helpless in my own home, because my conception of motherhood at least how I wanted and needed to do it was one that consisted of kindness and devotion and nurturing and pretty things like that. Certainly not unhinged rage. Coming from the background I did I had nothing in me to fall back on in the sense of legitimate authority. So all there was with outrage and a sense of injustice that I was being treated as I was. And you all know how well that must of worked. And so I descended into FOO-madness. </p><p></p><p>As I became unhinged and completely impotent in my own home, descending into FOO-dom and despair, my son had become at once my oppressor and as if a motherless adult child. Because his real Mother me was no longer present. She was submerged.</p><p></p><p>While I may be exaggerating somewhat I am here to tell you there is some truth in this.</p><p></p><p>Now I am not taking 100 percent of the blame or responsibility, I am only taking my share.</p><p></p><p>And what I shared in the lost post to Lioness, was that I was finding a voice of authority with my son. That while this stronger and me-centered voice was still fragile and inconsistent I knew it was there. And that while I could become angry at my son, it was a specific and fleeting anger not the enveloping, disabling anger of before, where it felt and seemed as if I had in fact been taken over by what in Yiddish is called a Dybbuk ( the translation would likely be demon I think). Which is to say that I had climbed or was climbing out of FOO to once again become myself vis a vis my own son. And I think I also said in that post that I had found my way back to acting from my love for my son, which might be a little bit of a white lie.</p><p></p><p>And this most incredible and stunning idea has just flown into my head : My son is an extraordinary person. He is kind. He is sweet. He has stature. He has good character. (We must put aside here the fact that he lies, and seems to not want to or be able to work or study or otherwise grab hold of or sustain a meaningful goal; and of course, there are the conspiracy theories.) But I am not here in the middle of the night to tell you what you already know. Because my complaints of him have already carried the day.)</p><p></p><p>I will not heap on blame to myself, but I have for a number of years in a sense deserted this person I know to be good, because I felt at the time that he was not as I wanted him or needed him to be. It is not that I needed him to be this or that, or not-this or that. I needed him to act like he loved me. I needed him to reassure me that I had not failed. And nobody needs to tell me that it was not his responsibility to do that or could he. </p><p></p><p>But because I am who I am, I lacked the capacity to hold onto that conviction myself. I could not bear it when he did not seem to love me enough to show me that I was OK or more importantly treat me as such. And I know that was wrong.</p><p></p><p>I know that a sudden decision to look from eyes of love will not automatically eliminate that which has troubled me. It still exists and will exist.</p><p></p><p>Beginning 4 years ago or more, I began to force my son to take greater responsibility for himself. He could not do it. Instead of recognizing this, I continued to insist he do something that he might not have had the where with all to easily do without support. Some of the behaviors he chose were defensive from having to live in hostile circumstances, and because he may have lacked the personal resources to make better choices. </p><p></p><p>What I am willing to accept is that my behavior (FOO related) did not help. I think I fell into being angry with my son, due to fear, and a sense that I had failed him, when I had not. I blamed myself because that is what I have done and I still do. But less and less.</p><p></p><p>I think also I did not know what to do. I listened to other people who with their confidence seemed to know. It seems I had lost any semblance of confidence in myself as a mother.</p><p></p><p>I am not saying that my son did not learn important things these last four years. He needed to develop the incentive to back down some, and to meet me part way. He needed to learn that the world can be cruel. He needed to learn gratitude when it is not. He needed to learn the consequence of not taking responsibility, and the consequences of mistreating others. </p><p></p><p>But he needs his mother to love him and treat him with love. And for the first time in a long time I am feeling that my son is a wonderful person and that he can be. I am seeing the glass half full and not empty. </p><p></p><p>And I think this might be an important insight. Actually more than an insight because I think there might be a chance that I may be able to act towards him from this place, instead of the desperate and frightened FOO-self that I have been. And this was what I was trying to tell Lioness in the post of a couple of days ago, that there existed in her this choice. The problem was I had erred because I needed to first tell myself.</p><p></p><p>I do not know what I should do with this or should do. Nor can I do anything much because he has not called me and I do not know where he is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 662357, member: 18958"] I want to try something out on you. I have been thinking since an afternoon post by SWOT about my son's kindness to animals, and how she responded favorably to him and felt that kindness to animals was a sign of a decent person. And then later on I worked hard on a post to Lioness on another thread, that got erased by accident. The gist of the erased post was that when my son became hostile to me in his teens I plummeted into FOO madness, basically a riff on Cedar's posts on the same thread. And I described to Lioness that my relationship with my son had until that time been highly satisfying to both of us, and the last thing I had anticipated would his rejection; that I became enraged that he was treating as he came to. I described the horrible situation that I had become helpless in my own home, because my conception of motherhood at least how I wanted and needed to do it was one that consisted of kindness and devotion and nurturing and pretty things like that. Certainly not unhinged rage. Coming from the background I did I had nothing in me to fall back on in the sense of legitimate authority. So all there was with outrage and a sense of injustice that I was being treated as I was. And you all know how well that must of worked. And so I descended into FOO-madness. As I became unhinged and completely impotent in my own home, descending into FOO-dom and despair, my son had become at once my oppressor and as if a motherless adult child. Because his real Mother me was no longer present. She was submerged. While I may be exaggerating somewhat I am here to tell you there is some truth in this. Now I am not taking 100 percent of the blame or responsibility, I am only taking my share. And what I shared in the lost post to Lioness, was that I was finding a voice of authority with my son. That while this stronger and me-centered voice was still fragile and inconsistent I knew it was there. And that while I could become angry at my son, it was a specific and fleeting anger not the enveloping, disabling anger of before, where it felt and seemed as if I had in fact been taken over by what in Yiddish is called a Dybbuk ( the translation would likely be demon I think). Which is to say that I had climbed or was climbing out of FOO to once again become myself vis a vis my own son. And I think I also said in that post that I had found my way back to acting from my love for my son, which might be a little bit of a white lie. And this most incredible and stunning idea has just flown into my head : My son is an extraordinary person. He is kind. He is sweet. He has stature. He has good character. (We must put aside here the fact that he lies, and seems to not want to or be able to work or study or otherwise grab hold of or sustain a meaningful goal; and of course, there are the conspiracy theories.) But I am not here in the middle of the night to tell you what you already know. Because my complaints of him have already carried the day.) I will not heap on blame to myself, but I have for a number of years in a sense deserted this person I know to be good, because I felt at the time that he was not as I wanted him or needed him to be. It is not that I needed him to be this or that, or not-this or that. I needed him to act like he loved me. I needed him to reassure me that I had not failed. And nobody needs to tell me that it was not his responsibility to do that or could he. But because I am who I am, I lacked the capacity to hold onto that conviction myself. I could not bear it when he did not seem to love me enough to show me that I was OK or more importantly treat me as such. And I know that was wrong. I know that a sudden decision to look from eyes of love will not automatically eliminate that which has troubled me. It still exists and will exist. Beginning 4 years ago or more, I began to force my son to take greater responsibility for himself. He could not do it. Instead of recognizing this, I continued to insist he do something that he might not have had the where with all to easily do without support. Some of the behaviors he chose were defensive from having to live in hostile circumstances, and because he may have lacked the personal resources to make better choices. What I am willing to accept is that my behavior (FOO related) did not help. I think I fell into being angry with my son, due to fear, and a sense that I had failed him, when I had not. I blamed myself because that is what I have done and I still do. But less and less. I think also I did not know what to do. I listened to other people who with their confidence seemed to know. It seems I had lost any semblance of confidence in myself as a mother. I am not saying that my son did not learn important things these last four years. He needed to develop the incentive to back down some, and to meet me part way. He needed to learn that the world can be cruel. He needed to learn gratitude when it is not. He needed to learn the consequence of not taking responsibility, and the consequences of mistreating others. But he needs his mother to love him and treat him with love. And for the first time in a long time I am feeling that my son is a wonderful person and that he can be. I am seeing the glass half full and not empty. And I think this might be an important insight. Actually more than an insight because I think there might be a chance that I may be able to act towards him from this place, instead of the desperate and frightened FOO-self that I have been. And this was what I was trying to tell Lioness in the post of a couple of days ago, that there existed in her this choice. The problem was I had erred because I needed to first tell myself. I do not know what I should do with this or should do. Nor can I do anything much because he has not called me and I do not know where he is. [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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