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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 662419" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Oh, good for you, Seeking. They hate being defied. It is scary to stand up to them and to the status quo until we have had to stand up to our kids. </p><p></p><p>After that, standing up to our families of origin, if that is what is required, becomes nothing more than a choice.</p><p></p><p>My family of origin has not taken these changes well, either.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I am learning that means I am on the exactly correct path. They, these people who abused and hurt me when I was defenseless, or when I believed in them or thought they at least were willing to try to love me, are so upset that I am saying true things right out loud instead of justifying things I should never have allowed.</p><p></p><p>And I am so happy about that.</p><p></p><p>roar</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Oh, Seeking. I am so pleased and happy you are here, too.</p><p></p><p>We are all healing at a remarkable pace.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My take on it is that you are correct. Something is badly amiss. Think of the timing, here. Difficult child is having a hey day. He is manipulative and well spoken and they love him, too. He will use them and you know this. He will destroy you to get to them.</p><p></p><p>My heart hurts for you, Seeking. </p><p></p><p>My son has done this.</p><p></p><p>I imagine he made these same accusations he does to me, justifying his failures through blaming us. Because we have each found understanding and compassion for ourselves and for the other parents on the site too, we forget how unique an experience it is to be understood.</p><p></p><p>Our families do not understand. In their secret hearts, they blame us for what has happened to our kids as surely as we would do the same if the situation were reversed.</p><p></p><p>It helped me survive it the kind of shunned feeling, to think like that, to remember that.</p><p></p><p>My heart does hurt for you, Seeking.</p><p></p><p>That was a hard time, for us.</p><p></p><p>Our son wanted to move home, too. We had said no, too. He went to D H extended family to visit. And the rumors spread. And I can taste the taste of that to this day in my interactions with them.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>When things became so unbalanced in my family of origin (which had nothing to do with either child in the same way it did with our son and D H extended family), I emailed my brother with my reasoning regarding not meeting my mother to welcome her home or taking any responsibility for her loneliness. I expected no quarter and received none. In the email, I told my brother he would always have access to me.</p><p></p><p>There has been no response. This is the second summer.</p><p></p><p>I did the right thing.</p><p></p><p>Both in calling my mother on her behavior, and in refusing to continue with the staus quo, I did the right thing.</p><p></p><p>There are times when that is all we can do.</p><p></p><p>The right thing.</p><p></p><p>If you go to the gathering, there will be the feeling of vindictiveness, and there will be the feeling of some secret, some open secret.</p><p></p><p>So, don't go.</p><p></p><p>Like we tell ourselves regarding our kids, we have time. We have time to draw a deep breath. We have time to name our situations.</p><p></p><p>We have time to choose something strengthening instead of toxic.</p><p></p><p>Do that good thing instead.</p><p></p><p>I can only say what I did: Take the high road, and take it alone. all this will be clarified in time. It is a putrid mess, right now. Don't breathe that air. </p><p></p><p>Was it usual for sister-in-law not to ask for clarification regarding your request? To me, that response means: I'm on your side. As in, this is really bad, and I am on your side.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry this is happening. It was excruciating, when it happened to us.</p><p></p><p>It helped me to remember that it is my choice to choose love; my son (or my daughter) are adults who will choose as they will. Nothing to do with me, whether they love or accuse me. A further, deeper, more shaming still level of loving an addict. They forget, and they blame.</p><p></p><p>And they use other people, and you son will use them now if he can.</p><p></p><p>And that will shame you too, in the end.</p><p></p><p>And actually, none of what they are doing now is the extended family's fault. They are, as D H family did too, responding as though your son were himself. They are responding as best they know to "truths" told by someone desperately focused on getting their sympathy and then, their money.</p><p></p><p>I wish this never happened to you.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you posted here.</p><p></p><p>Together, we have been helping one another decipher and face terribly hurtful things. We are stronger, more centered; we are better mothers and wives and people from what we have shared and from how we have grown through sharing and witnessing for one another.</p><p></p><p>Welcome, Seeking, with all my heart.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 662419, member: 17461"] Oh, good for you, Seeking. They hate being defied. It is scary to stand up to them and to the status quo until we have had to stand up to our kids. After that, standing up to our families of origin, if that is what is required, becomes nothing more than a choice. My family of origin has not taken these changes well, either. :O) I am learning that means I am on the exactly correct path. They, these people who abused and hurt me when I was defenseless, or when I believed in them or thought they at least were willing to try to love me, are so upset that I am saying true things right out loud instead of justifying things I should never have allowed. And I am so happy about that. roar Cedar Oh, Seeking. I am so pleased and happy you are here, too. We are all healing at a remarkable pace. My take on it is that you are correct. Something is badly amiss. Think of the timing, here. Difficult child is having a hey day. He is manipulative and well spoken and they love him, too. He will use them and you know this. He will destroy you to get to them. My heart hurts for you, Seeking. My son has done this. I imagine he made these same accusations he does to me, justifying his failures through blaming us. Because we have each found understanding and compassion for ourselves and for the other parents on the site too, we forget how unique an experience it is to be understood. Our families do not understand. In their secret hearts, they blame us for what has happened to our kids as surely as we would do the same if the situation were reversed. It helped me survive it the kind of shunned feeling, to think like that, to remember that. My heart does hurt for you, Seeking. That was a hard time, for us. Our son wanted to move home, too. We had said no, too. He went to D H extended family to visit. And the rumors spread. And I can taste the taste of that to this day in my interactions with them. *** When things became so unbalanced in my family of origin (which had nothing to do with either child in the same way it did with our son and D H extended family), I emailed my brother with my reasoning regarding not meeting my mother to welcome her home or taking any responsibility for her loneliness. I expected no quarter and received none. In the email, I told my brother he would always have access to me. There has been no response. This is the second summer. I did the right thing. Both in calling my mother on her behavior, and in refusing to continue with the staus quo, I did the right thing. There are times when that is all we can do. The right thing. If you go to the gathering, there will be the feeling of vindictiveness, and there will be the feeling of some secret, some open secret. So, don't go. Like we tell ourselves regarding our kids, we have time. We have time to draw a deep breath. We have time to name our situations. We have time to choose something strengthening instead of toxic. Do that good thing instead. I can only say what I did: Take the high road, and take it alone. all this will be clarified in time. It is a putrid mess, right now. Don't breathe that air. Was it usual for sister-in-law not to ask for clarification regarding your request? To me, that response means: I'm on your side. As in, this is really bad, and I am on your side. I am sorry this is happening. It was excruciating, when it happened to us. It helped me to remember that it is my choice to choose love; my son (or my daughter) are adults who will choose as they will. Nothing to do with me, whether they love or accuse me. A further, deeper, more shaming still level of loving an addict. They forget, and they blame. And they use other people, and you son will use them now if he can. And that will shame you too, in the end. And actually, none of what they are doing now is the extended family's fault. They are, as D H family did too, responding as though your son were himself. They are responding as best they know to "truths" told by someone desperately focused on getting their sympathy and then, their money. I wish this never happened to you. I am glad you posted here. Together, we have been helping one another decipher and face terribly hurtful things. We are stronger, more centered; we are better mothers and wives and people from what we have shared and from how we have grown through sharing and witnessing for one another. Welcome, Seeking, with all my heart. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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