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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 662429" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>YES. And compromised every value he was brought up with to do it, transforming himself into someone we hardly recognize. I am writing about my own son here too, Copa. Here is a piece of insight for all of us:<em> This is probably why we see our sons as the children they were before they fell. There is no resemblance between the grown man we saw coming through in the face of that young boy who was our son and the man our sons went on to become.</em></p><p></p><p>I was thinking about that just the other day, after a particularly disturbing conversation with my own son.</p><p></p><p>Just the other day.</p><p></p><p>Seeking, Copa next quoted a paragraph in which you described your father's silence. My father betrayed me, as well. There was something nasty in the air re: my mother. My sister was visiting at the time but I did not know then what I know about my sister, today. I had said nothing to D H about the strangenesses I had noted regarding whatever was happening between myself and my mom. One day, D H said something about not having heard from my parents in a while, and why don't I call and invite them for dinner. So, I said that I didn't think that was a good idea. D H poo pooed the whole thing. I called to invite them. My mother refused and told me that she had told me she was going to "do this". Then, she put my father on the phone. And he said they were not coming for dinner.</p><p></p><p>I was shocked into shamed silence.</p><p></p><p>This had never happened before with my father, either.</p><p></p><p>And my own father said: "Is there anyone else here you would like to talk to."</p><p></p><p>And I said no.</p><p></p><p>And we did not speak for five years.</p><p></p><p>Other than a call from my mother, who said: "This is between your father and D H. We can and should have a relationship without your D H in it."</p><p></p><p>And I said no.</p><p></p><p>And that was that.</p><p></p><p>At some point during those five years, my father had a heart bypass. I learned of it from my sister, who had taken to playing the role of family peacekeeper ~ and we see in her behavior since my father's death what the true dynamic was there. Anyway, I called the hospital to learn whether my father had lived through the surgery. Which sounds dramatic, I know. But all those issues were brought up by the potential represented by that kind of surgery. And my mother called me later that day. And I told her I already knew he had lived.</p><p></p><p>And she was so angry, Seeking.</p><p></p><p>And directed that I be given no further information, if I should call to ask about my own father.</p><p></p><p>Ouch.</p><p></p><p>When I inadvertently stumbled into my mother one day in a place I would never have expected to find her, she pursued me. She said things like, "I am your mother. <em>You need me."</em></p><p></p><p>I learned later ~ years later, that my mother had gotten all kinds of support for herself through presenting me as some heartless, misguided daughter married to an abusive husband who had destroyed her relationship to her child.</p><p></p><p>My mother.</p><p></p><p>What a piece of work.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Oh. I know where I was going with this. Your family may be kinder than mine. My mother was determined to isolate me, and enlisted my father to do it. My sister played her nefarious part. </p><p></p><p>So I don't know about that restaurant gathering. Copa is very strong. She could be right about attending. My D H would do as Copa suggested. It would break me to do that, to be there with them, with their contempt and their games that I don't understand but that they seem forever determined to win.</p><p></p><p>There should not be a win with family, should there?</p><p></p><p>If you do go, if I were going to do something like that, it would be well armed, and wearing my big girl panties.</p><p></p><p>What they are doing to you is wrong.</p><p></p><p>The part about your father going silent is chilling.</p><p></p><p>When I write about vulnerabilities to family of origin through the things that have happened to the children we love, these are the kinds of things that I mean.</p><p></p><p>None of this would ever have happened until the kids fell because I had long since left my Family of Origin behind and created my life very well. When the kids fell, when I could not help them no matter what I did, I came to live in what SWOT calls "emotional flashback". That is a horribly vulnerable place to be.</p><p></p><p>My family of origin moved right in on that weakness, on that hurt and confusion in me.</p><p></p><p>And I was without defense, because of my kids; because I could not know how to help my kids, and because I did not yet have this site.</p><p></p><p>I do not know why these things happen.</p><p></p><p>I do know you must find faith in yourself.</p><p></p><p>That is how you make it through.</p><p></p><p>Faith.</p><p></p><p>This is a betrayal none of us could be prepared for. If you were strong, if your son had not come home, none of this would be happening <em>because</em> you would be too strong for it to succeed.</p><p></p><p>We made it through, Seeking. We are here, and still standing.</p><p></p><p>You will, too.</p><p></p><p>But it is going to be a hard thing.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Oh for heaven's sake. I still have 44 messages to go to catch up with everyone.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 662429, member: 17461"] YES. And compromised every value he was brought up with to do it, transforming himself into someone we hardly recognize. I am writing about my own son here too, Copa. Here is a piece of insight for all of us:[I] This is probably why we see our sons as the children they were before they fell. There is no resemblance between the grown man we saw coming through in the face of that young boy who was our son and the man our sons went on to become.[/I] I was thinking about that just the other day, after a particularly disturbing conversation with my own son. Just the other day. Seeking, Copa next quoted a paragraph in which you described your father's silence. My father betrayed me, as well. There was something nasty in the air re: my mother. My sister was visiting at the time but I did not know then what I know about my sister, today. I had said nothing to D H about the strangenesses I had noted regarding whatever was happening between myself and my mom. One day, D H said something about not having heard from my parents in a while, and why don't I call and invite them for dinner. So, I said that I didn't think that was a good idea. D H poo pooed the whole thing. I called to invite them. My mother refused and told me that she had told me she was going to "do this". Then, she put my father on the phone. And he said they were not coming for dinner. I was shocked into shamed silence. This had never happened before with my father, either. And my own father said: "Is there anyone else here you would like to talk to." And I said no. And we did not speak for five years. Other than a call from my mother, who said: "This is between your father and D H. We can and should have a relationship without your D H in it." And I said no. And that was that. At some point during those five years, my father had a heart bypass. I learned of it from my sister, who had taken to playing the role of family peacekeeper ~ and we see in her behavior since my father's death what the true dynamic was there. Anyway, I called the hospital to learn whether my father had lived through the surgery. Which sounds dramatic, I know. But all those issues were brought up by the potential represented by that kind of surgery. And my mother called me later that day. And I told her I already knew he had lived. And she was so angry, Seeking. And directed that I be given no further information, if I should call to ask about my own father. Ouch. When I inadvertently stumbled into my mother one day in a place I would never have expected to find her, she pursued me. She said things like, "I am your mother. [I]You need me."[/I] I learned later ~ years later, that my mother had gotten all kinds of support for herself through presenting me as some heartless, misguided daughter married to an abusive husband who had destroyed her relationship to her child. My mother. What a piece of work. *** Oh. I know where I was going with this. Your family may be kinder than mine. My mother was determined to isolate me, and enlisted my father to do it. My sister played her nefarious part. So I don't know about that restaurant gathering. Copa is very strong. She could be right about attending. My D H would do as Copa suggested. It would break me to do that, to be there with them, with their contempt and their games that I don't understand but that they seem forever determined to win. There should not be a win with family, should there? If you do go, if I were going to do something like that, it would be well armed, and wearing my big girl panties. What they are doing to you is wrong. The part about your father going silent is chilling. When I write about vulnerabilities to family of origin through the things that have happened to the children we love, these are the kinds of things that I mean. None of this would ever have happened until the kids fell because I had long since left my Family of Origin behind and created my life very well. When the kids fell, when I could not help them no matter what I did, I came to live in what SWOT calls "emotional flashback". That is a horribly vulnerable place to be. My family of origin moved right in on that weakness, on that hurt and confusion in me. And I was without defense, because of my kids; because I could not know how to help my kids, and because I did not yet have this site. I do not know why these things happen. I do know you must find faith in yourself. That is how you make it through. Faith. This is a betrayal none of us could be prepared for. If you were strong, if your son had not come home, none of this would be happening [I]because[/I] you would be too strong for it to succeed. We made it through, Seeking. We are here, and still standing. You will, too. But it is going to be a hard thing. *** Oh for heaven's sake. I still have 44 messages to go to catch up with everyone. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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