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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 662430" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>The thing is Belle is what can you do? Except talk to him honestly, I mean. But even that, he does not have to listen to you.</p><p></p><p>If I had to summarize what I think your concern is it is this: </p><p></p><p>SON, I stayed with your Dad too long. It hurt me and it hurt you. Because I fear you came to believe that this is the way relationships are. They are not, at least, they should not be.</p><p>I worry that because you saw me mistreated by your father, and because he mistreated you, that you feel you do not deserve better. And that makes me sad. I know that your choices about relationships are yours to make. But I have to tell you that what I have seen of your relationship with xxx, I am concerned. I just want you to know that I value you and hope that you will find in marriage the respect and the care that I know you deserve, as do I.</p><p></p><p>Something like this is direct but not accusatory. I do not know if you should talk to him or if this would be the right tack to take. Others will chime in and I am curious what they will say. </p><p></p><p>I see that a lot of what you are feeling could be guilt. Guilt is only good if you learn from it to change directions. Wallowing and self-blame are not constructive. Your son is responsible for his own life now. What he does with it is his responsibility, his choice and his opportunity to learn through mistakes and successes. It would not be right on your part to get in the way. Your son sounds competent and able to decide on his own. </p><p></p><p>Like all of us you have to separate our what is FOO and what is the appropriate response of a mother of an adult child. Nobody can do this except you. Why not try to write a letter to him (do not send it) and go through it with two highlighters. One color is FOO and the other color marks the voice you choose.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 662430, member: 18958"] The thing is Belle is what can you do? Except talk to him honestly, I mean. But even that, he does not have to listen to you. If I had to summarize what I think your concern is it is this: SON, I stayed with your Dad too long. It hurt me and it hurt you. Because I fear you came to believe that this is the way relationships are. They are not, at least, they should not be. I worry that because you saw me mistreated by your father, and because he mistreated you, that you feel you do not deserve better. And that makes me sad. I know that your choices about relationships are yours to make. But I have to tell you that what I have seen of your relationship with xxx, I am concerned. I just want you to know that I value you and hope that you will find in marriage the respect and the care that I know you deserve, as do I. Something like this is direct but not accusatory. I do not know if you should talk to him or if this would be the right tack to take. Others will chime in and I am curious what they will say. I see that a lot of what you are feeling could be guilt. Guilt is only good if you learn from it to change directions. Wallowing and self-blame are not constructive. Your son is responsible for his own life now. What he does with it is his responsibility, his choice and his opportunity to learn through mistakes and successes. It would not be right on your part to get in the way. Your son sounds competent and able to decide on his own. Like all of us you have to separate our what is FOO and what is the appropriate response of a mother of an adult child. Nobody can do this except you. Why not try to write a letter to him (do not send it) and go through it with two highlighters. One color is FOO and the other color marks the voice you choose. [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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