Hi all, here's the latest...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemysons, Mar 16, 2007.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    After my hospitalisation in January, I wrote oldest difficult child a letter...sent to the SAFP facility. He recently wrote me back and sounded SO good! He was very supportive of me first off and concerned and then went on to tell me how he is no longer working in the kitchen...they Actually have him working with the counceling foundation. He is helping them facilitate client to councelor when the clients first arrive...how cool is that!

    And what a sweetheart. Here is some of what he wrote...
    "I want you to know you are one of the strongest women I know. My heart and world will always have a place reserved and dedicated to you alone. Along with me, G-d is always watching and helping (lol, he's right up there with G-d). He just works on a different time table than we do. But, how are you right now? Do you open up, to work on improving your conscious contact with G-d, each and every day? Is your home group being a healthy support group to you? Do you still remain open minded honest and willing on a day to day basis?"....

    I am SO pleased that oldest difficult child, is so obviously, EXACTLY where he needs to be. I was so scared a year ago when oldest difficult child allowed me to help him turn himself in for charges husband filed on behalf of himself and a client that oldest stole from...so scared that all the horrors of prison would take my oldest difficult child places he could never again rise above and have a chance. I was wrong. It took over 4 months in one downtown dallas jail and another 4 months or so in another local jail before he was finally transferred to the SAFP prison rehab down near Houston. It would appear...that it is "working" in his life. He also told me his projected date of release is Aug 5th. He then will be transferred to a half-way house and have many house requirements. I think he will live there for 3 months before he then is completely out again (still on probation for the remainder of his time-5yrs altogether I believe). He will also be expected to pay probation fees and restitution. What oldest difficult child does not know is that the restitution checks will be sent to husband. The clients insurance has already taken care of their losses. I think we (husband and myself) will take a watch and see approach before offering Anything to oldest difficult child once he's out. My hope is...he won't need us for "things". My hope is that he will spend quality time with us not want to "Use".

    On another front...
    Young difficult child, now 18, is not doing so well working for husband...surprise surprise, same ole same ole. He met with a recruiter and went to the downtown dallas station with him yesterday to take the entry test...passed with an 88% which is good. He will be gathering his important docs to turn in on Monday he says. Young difficult child says he can enter as soon as 2 to 3 weeks. No idea if this is actually true. To be honest...I think young difficult child still smokes marijuana at the very least so not sure how he will pass a drug test. In any event...he can't get up on time for work as it is and his girlfriend takes presidence over his first obligations.
    And...the other day, his girlfriend couldn't find her car keys. She ends up with her mother over helping her look for them. Young difficult child gets upset because her mother is over looking for them.
    Turns out...young difficult child tells husband that HE threw his g/f keys out of his truck window driving down the street in a fit of anger at her. Swell. His problem...His conscience.
    Young difficult child would like to think of himself these days as quite "manly" and fully responsible/capable...but other behaviors show otherwise. Detackk...I mean, Detach, lol.
    We will see what happens with the whole Army thing soon enough I guess.

    Thanks for reading this lengthy update...and easy child is still a easy child. I feel very honored whenever she trusts me with things she wont discuss/request advice from husband about...
    husband and I...I just don't know. I really don't. We shall see. I know we have both been unwittingly willing participants in a fairly unhealthy lead role as parents. I wouldn't know these things without all of the al anon meetings I've attended for the past year. I am accepting of my part however husband is not in the program, see's himself as "beyond the program of aa" and is fairly intolerant of new ideas/thinking/behavior.
    so...I just don't know right now about husband and I. It's estranged I feel. Sad...the kids (sons and their commotion) are no longer in our home, it's quiet and now I can "hear" the distance between husband and I.

    Hugs and care to you all...ain't for the faint of heart, body, mind, soul! smile...
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Ain't that just the way it goes, Tammy. It seems as soon as one problem seems to resolve itself, another rears its ugly head. I'm glad difficult child#1 is doing better. I'm sad that difficult child#2 (who is such the replic of mine) is not. I'm mad that husband (mine included) just can't see the role they've played in creating the dynmaics that is our homes. I think, as we move into the next phase of life, that of not being a "mommy"--we as women have to redefine our roles, and that sometimes scare the men in our lives. I will continue to grow and move forward---sounds like you are too. I hope that our dhs can handle who we are becoming.
  3. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member

    Glad to hear difficult child 1 is doing better, T. As for difficult child 2, he will have to decide if he wants to follow the right path, or end up where difficult child 2 went. I hope he makes the right decision for him.

    As for you, you sound so much stronger now and so much more able to assess the situation, but to stand back. That's a good thing.

    Sending hugs,
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    LMS, I see that the roller coaster ride is continuing for you.
    I am glad your older difficult child is doing better and that you have yuor easy child to add some balance to your life. Have you and husband tried counciling? Al-Anon is something we do for ourselves. If husband doesn't buy into it it isn't your problem. Eventually he may see that you are at a different level of acceptance and serenity than he is. Maybe then he will look at the program as something that might help him also. -RM
  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Katmom, I'm so please you are moving forward too. Sometimes, for me, it feels like 3 steps forward 2 back. I get off balance when I hear husband going on about..."Am I right, Am I right", Ugh. I can't stand it. I try and remember the "sick mans prayer" out of the Big Book. smile. He just Drives me Crazy! lol sigh...oh well. Good for you for being so healthy regardless of where your husband is at...it's still very slow for me in that arena.

    Thank you Deb...I too hope that young difficult child will make whatever knew decisions work for him rather than against. Who knows, the Army may be exactly what he needs. I don't know what's best for him at all times, that's for sure. Now, I like to think I do, smile. Thanks for the support and encouragement. Hugs to you too

    Thanks rejected mom. It will definitely have to be about attraction rather than promotion. husband simply doesn't believe in it, etc. And, when I had to be hospitalised a month or so ago...I think he used that as part justification for the program not working. Mind you...my problems seem to be thyroid, hormonally based, I think. I go to see a Dr on Tues about the Thyroid situation. Hopefully it will be taken care of soon. Thank you for the support and care.

    Lots of strong ladies here...
    take care,

    TYLERFAN New Member

    I am thinking about you and wishing you well.
    You are such a strong person. You are doing so well.
    Know that I am prayng for you guys.

  7. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the prayers, Melissa.
    HE is listening, I truly believe it. There just seems to come a time when our efforts only get in the way of His, ya know. That's what I'm coming to learn.
    Like you, I tried so hard to love away the "pain". Whatever it was...and now, I find that an addict, well that phenomenon of craving is even greater than maternal love. As hard as that is to admit. It means to me that what works with a easy child absolutely will not work with a sub abusing difficult child. They are wired differently from all I understand. The emotions, the feel goods the superhuman effects, the grandiose importance, feeling special and unique etc, other kids don't get this sensation when they take a smoke or take a drink etc. Ours get consumed and want more, more of everything, nothing seems to satisfy. They are extremely ungrateful of our best efforts...even strangely resentful at our efforts. And maybe, it's their way of saying, Release me to a G-d Consciousness. Release me to the realities of my choices...stop getting in the way, I don't want to have to hurt you.
    Isn't that odd sounding, but thats how I interpret Now what my difficult children have been doing all along.
    They never wanted to hurt me...but if they were swimming out to sea and all I did was take myself out further and further to try and catch them...I was going down too. I was Not going to get their attention that way, only get hurt in that process or worse and certainly Not gain any respect from them for it.

    I care so much for you all...I'm so sorry when I know how badly we hurt for them. But it is theirs, I have to give them a sense of dignity to face their choices and their consequences, unless their lives are in immediate danger. Which really...when weren't they? There are no easy answers for them but al anon sure helps me survive and know my limitations and my ability to now contribute in a healthier way, not perfect, just healthier.
    I hope I don't sound too long winded. I wish I had the cure...I would give it to all our sub abusing children.

    with love,
  8. Loris

    Loris New Member

    I'm glad you got that letter. I'm sure that meant a lot. I'm sorry young difficult child is having troubles. Sounds like easy child is doing very well. I hope you regulate your thyroid soon, that will help you a lot. Hopefully you and husband can iron things out, but it seems so common sometimes. been there done that, still there. It's hard. Take care of yourself.
  9. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Hi LMS! Glad you're able to stop in and join us again. You are so absolutely right about what works with a easy child doesn't work with a difficult child, and I really relate to your sense of what goes thru their minds...

    "Get out of my way, I don't want to hurt you" that strange resentment. Rings true for me with my difficult child. He said to me one time, "If you had just given me money and let me do what I wanted, none of this would've happened" He was in jail at the time. When he said this, I thought OMG!! Is he serious?! But now, looking back, I think I can put your spin on it, and see what he was trying to say, "If you hadn't tried so hard to stop me, I wouldn't feel so guilty right now."

    Ah, perspective....I am grateful those times are behind me.

    (((Hugs))) to you my friend.

  10. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi Loris and Ponygirl!

    And the latest!!!
    Young difficult child is very serious about this whole Military deal. The kid actually wrapped his arms arms around me the other night and sobbed as we sat on my front porch step. He doesn't want to "go backwards in life". He told me he had no idea how hard adult pressures were...
    He has a girlfriend who he fights with all the time. She plays the victim and he said he is "not an abusive person", while crying. He said that she only wants to bring in around a 100 dollars a week and then sleep or hangout most of the day, not picking up even around their place. He will be left with most of the bills and rent, etc. He feels so responsible and it's overwhelming that's why he says he wants to join the military. He also owe's husband now for the truck which husband purchased for 6,000 dollars.
    Young difficult child claims that he will be spending the night in Dallas Wed, placed in hotel by recruiter and will "swear in" on Thursday. I have no idea how much of this is realistic but he was with the recruiter again yesterday and had his important document: GED, SS Card, Birth Certificate etc to turn in.
    I just don't know what to think but I am not stepping into the middle of this decision, it is his to own.
    Now, mind you, 2 weeks ago young difficult child was struggling to get up and be at work on time and having on again off again problems with his girlfriend, then dad said he was taking the truck away and I think young difficult child just decided to go to the extreme with the whole Military option. Dad was ONLY going to take the truck away for 4 days and suspend him from work ONLY for the rest of the week however, husband did not get that part out before young difficult child decided the Military looked promising. I hope that made sense. Anyway, I am a bit disturbed that husband was not clearer and a bit disturbed that young difficult child has taken this extreme decision into account. Though, whats done is done and we shall see.
    It's not a BAD thing to join the military, I just would like it take be all about young difficult child and not other things. I tried to let young difficult child know this while we sat together. "I hope you are doing this because it is your decision and good for you alone", that is mostly what I said.

    I must admit...the problems in our lives these days pale in comparison to the double duty nightmare that was a daily part of life a few years ago. Some here remember what that was like for me and my family. Thank G-d it really doesn't last forever. In fact, I get so bored these days, lol. That sounds slightly sick doesn't it. Anyway...one day at a time. I have to be mindful that I never know what is coming up next just because life is relatively calm on this day. High Drama and intensity seems to be a prominent feature in the lives of our sub abusing difficult child's. I hope one day to see...it smooth out. less drama even more serenity and lots of sobriety time. They both know where the help for their issues is so that's their adult business.
    OMG...I never thought I'd survive til both of them were 18 years old. I am so grateful for this day...I do have ALOT to be grateful for, they are both alive and trying.

    Hugs to all of you, thanks Ponygirl and Loris for the replys.
    Oh, one other thing..easy child dyed her hair last week. I'm trying real hard to be good about it! NOT to react, just let this phase passssssssssss. And I'm now (today) trying to look at husband as a man doing the best he can. I find myself comparing him to the men who have gotten help in the same program I attend and that is probibly NOT a good thing.

  11. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Hi LMS. 88% is good, but I have to say that the Army may (or may not) be good for your difficult child. It used to be that you went in, and that was it. You either did well on your own, or they broke you down and built you up against your will. These days, though, it's not quite like that. I know of at least three people who went in (two Army, one Marines) hoping to "change their lives" because they were incapable of making the change on their own.

    Unfortunately, they couldn't hack boot camp. And in true difficult child style, found the quickest way out of boot and back home. The military these days is less apt to take on or keep "project recruits" because they realize what kind of baggage they bring, and how damaging such people can be to any unit they end up with.

    Ultimately, your younger difficult child will have to make the same decision in bootcamp that he would have to make at home - do I really want to change my life? If he does, there's no better place to start than bootcamp (for some folks). If he doesn't, he'll find a way out, get home, and will probably be in a worse funk than when he left.

    And beyond that, if he acts out really bad in bootcamp to "get out", they'll send him home with a very unflattering paper trail that will follow him for years to come.

    Sorry for not being more upbeat, but I wanted to give you some straight poop on going into the military. Please make sure you talk this over with your husband and your difficult child. If it works, it could be very good. If it doesn't, it could be very bad.

    Hope it works out for the best, for you and yours.