hi,i am new
- Thread starter lillians
- Start date
Hi and welcome!!
Boards are a little slow right now, with thanksgiving just passing. There are several forums that you can post in. This is the general forum, so you have hit the right place
There is also another forum for teen/substance abuse as well. You can add a signature at the bottom of your page, as I have on mine if you'd like so we can get to know you better.
So, how old are your children???
Boards are a little slow right now, with thanksgiving just passing. There are several forums that you can post in. This is the general forum, so you have hit the right place
There is also another forum for teen/substance abuse as well. You can add a signature at the bottom of your page, as I have on mine if you'd like so we can get to know you better.
So, how old are your children???
lillians
lillians
My children are 16 and 17, we have had them almost since birth,,,they do not drink but are diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/ nas--our 17 yr old also has tourettes,, but is pretty stable at least bright and peasant,our 16 yr old has an iq of 50 and has sveral doiagnosis,, one being odd-- and she is just so awful most days our brains are worn,, i hear about the no nonsense approach,and that for us now seems a tad silly as we havent a clue how to be no noinsense ,,at least to a high degree and her being 16,,,we are 66--me and 71 dad,, we are batting our brains out here as she opposes the slightest thing we say,,it does spill over into her outside life,, being in a segragated class isnt helpful,,in my mind but there are no options here other than home schooling---nope Occupational Therapist (OT) going to happen,,lol,thanls for responding it means a lot
DDD
Well-Known Member
Welcome. Glad you found us. Sorry you had to.
I'm a bit pooped so my greeting will be short. My husband is in his 70's and I am in my late 60's so I can relate to the added strain that comes with age
"senior" parenting. Are the teens your grandchildren by birth but your children by adoption or assumption? We have been raising grandsons. The oldest one we consider "ours" since he came home from the hospital to our home and has been with us 21 years. The younger one lived with us on and off until 8 years ago when he came here permanently. Now he
turned 18 and has chosen to live with his Mom. Yikes!
Do you have any support services or respite care to help you all survive?
Once the holiday is over I'm sure you'll hear from lots of people who have
dealt with similar issues. They'll be more helpful that I am. Just wanted you to know that your post has been read and you are welcome to post
as often as you like until you feel comfortable. Hang in there. DDD
I'm a bit pooped so my greeting will be short. My husband is in his 70's and I am in my late 60's so I can relate to the added strain that comes with age
"senior" parenting. Are the teens your grandchildren by birth but your children by adoption or assumption? We have been raising grandsons. The oldest one we consider "ours" since he came home from the hospital to our home and has been with us 21 years. The younger one lived with us on and off until 8 years ago when he came here permanently. Now he
turned 18 and has chosen to live with his Mom. Yikes!
Do you have any support services or respite care to help you all survive?
Once the holiday is over I'm sure you'll hear from lots of people who have
dealt with similar issues. They'll be more helpful that I am. Just wanted you to know that your post has been read and you are welcome to post
as often as you like until you feel comfortable. Hang in there. DDD
Hi Lillians and welcome! Glad you found us!
I would let school deal with the school issues. I know Canada's system is different than in the US, but they still have to do their best to educate her. If she has behaviors in school that are causing problems, I'd certainly work with them on how to handle them but I don't think I'd bring them home - meaning, I wouldn't give her consequences at home for stuff that happens at school, especially since it sounds like she's defiant at home over home stuff. Does that make sense?
At 16, is the school working on transitional living skills at all? Lifeskills - how to get a job, job training, voc. ed., how to open a bank account, etc. Here in IL, an IQ of 50 would qualify an adult for services for the developmentally disabled - is there an equivalent type of program in Canada? Supported living and employment? I realize she's not an adult yet, but (thankfully, LOL) those last 2 years do go fast and I think it helps a bit to know what services are out there as she hits adulthood.
Again, so glad you found us and welcome!
I would let school deal with the school issues. I know Canada's system is different than in the US, but they still have to do their best to educate her. If she has behaviors in school that are causing problems, I'd certainly work with them on how to handle them but I don't think I'd bring them home - meaning, I wouldn't give her consequences at home for stuff that happens at school, especially since it sounds like she's defiant at home over home stuff. Does that make sense?
At 16, is the school working on transitional living skills at all? Lifeskills - how to get a job, job training, voc. ed., how to open a bank account, etc. Here in IL, an IQ of 50 would qualify an adult for services for the developmentally disabled - is there an equivalent type of program in Canada? Supported living and employment? I realize she's not an adult yet, but (thankfully, LOL) those last 2 years do go fast and I think it helps a bit to know what services are out there as she hits adulthood.
Again, so glad you found us and welcome!
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
Hi Lillians, welcome!
Here's a warm fuzzy blanket and a cup of hot tea.
So sorry about your kids. What a handful. I know all about ODD ... my son loves to argue with-everything, no matter how ridiculous. He once tried to tell me that potatoes were wheat.
Are you seeing anyone for counseling/therapy, to get ideas?
Here's a warm fuzzy blanket and a cup of hot tea.
So sorry about your kids. What a handful. I know all about ODD ... my son loves to argue with-everything, no matter how ridiculous. He once tried to tell me that potatoes were wheat.
Are you seeing anyone for counseling/therapy, to get ideas?
totoro
Mom? What's a difficult child?
Wanted to add my Welcome!
Do you have any in home supports set up. Or any type of Respite? Sometimes State/County Mental Health Services can lead you to help in this area.
Do you have Therapy for you and the kids? This can be a life saver it helps with direction and ideas for all of you.
Are the kids on any medications. Do they help in your opinions?
Again welcome and post anytime!
Do you have any in home supports set up. Or any type of Respite? Sometimes State/County Mental Health Services can lead you to help in this area.
Do you have Therapy for you and the kids? This can be a life saver it helps with direction and ideas for all of you.
Are the kids on any medications. Do they help in your opinions?
Again welcome and post anytime!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
The best treatment for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) kids is supervision. They have organic brain damage and, unlike other disordered kids, really can not learn from their errors or understand right from wrong. Consequences don't help as they have disordered cause-and-effect thinking and tend to forget things from day to day anyway.
I recently read a good article on adults with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE). They were relieved to learn why they can't seem to stay out of trouble. They were in highly supervised homes so caretakers could help them stay out of trouble. Without constant monitoring, they tend to abuse substances themselves, have babies, be unable to care for the babies and/or end up in jail. They really are very needy, and it is in no way within their control or their own faults. It is not useful to get stressed out that they continue to make poor choices--they can't help it. in my opinion the best solution is to look for safe, kind longterm care for them and understand that they are not "bad" kids or even "troubled" kids. They are brain damaged kids due to the choices of their birthmothers.
I recently read a good article on adults with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE). They were relieved to learn why they can't seem to stay out of trouble. They were in highly supervised homes so caretakers could help them stay out of trouble. Without constant monitoring, they tend to abuse substances themselves, have babies, be unable to care for the babies and/or end up in jail. They really are very needy, and it is in no way within their control or their own faults. It is not useful to get stressed out that they continue to make poor choices--they can't help it. in my opinion the best solution is to look for safe, kind longterm care for them and understand that they are not "bad" kids or even "troubled" kids. They are brain damaged kids due to the choices of their birthmothers.
Welcome. I am so touched to think of you at your age coping with so much energy (teens) with behavor issues. Definately keep asking around for ideas and learn what maybe available to structure their lives and give you windows of peace.
There maybe some way to also get help in your home too. Right now my family has home therapy in process and it gives a renewed focus to the relationship. The fact that relationship issues in real time are not as engaging to teens and challenge the
self centered search for fun does not in anyway make the time they are brought to the discussion and asked for co-operation and participation less improtant. In fact it is MORE important.
We all need clear cut plans that fit and can be acitively aplied that each person understands.
Try calling the school administration and asking about this suggestion of what
the "no nonscence" approach is? Who can explain It? Who can help you to devise a in home plan that works?
Frankly I do think that 16 can be like having a short iin the wiring of our kids for awhile. I hear from others that sometimes the situation improves. In my teen some days and moments I actually recognise the wonder person that I understand and get along with in that form that appears at other times possessed by an alien.
I hope you find so much that is encouraging and usefull and that does hear you
here. I am so glade I have some other voices with ideas that are in my home when I have a moment to check in.
Welcome. This is a Care Full place.
There maybe some way to also get help in your home too. Right now my family has home therapy in process and it gives a renewed focus to the relationship. The fact that relationship issues in real time are not as engaging to teens and challenge the
self centered search for fun does not in anyway make the time they are brought to the discussion and asked for co-operation and participation less improtant. In fact it is MORE important.
We all need clear cut plans that fit and can be acitively aplied that each person understands.
Try calling the school administration and asking about this suggestion of what
the "no nonscence" approach is? Who can explain It? Who can help you to devise a in home plan that works?
Frankly I do think that 16 can be like having a short iin the wiring of our kids for awhile. I hear from others that sometimes the situation improves. In my teen some days and moments I actually recognise the wonder person that I understand and get along with in that form that appears at other times possessed by an alien.
I hope you find so much that is encouraging and usefull and that does hear you
here. I am so glade I have some other voices with ideas that are in my home when I have a moment to check in.
Welcome. This is a Care Full place.
lillians
lillians
i so appreciate all your responses,, our eldest is on medications,, i still think he is off the wall,,lol but he feels the effects and is wise enough to recognise when he is out of whack,, our younger who years ago was diagnosed with odd as well as her other things,, is really where we are stymied,, there are few doctors here --and no choice,, our pediatrician says that odd is a garbage diagnosis and refuses to recognise it,, so no--medications,,she is quite sedentary and over weight,of course has few friends,,and isnt really nice to those who claim to be ,,and downright mean to us at home,she also tells stories,, lies if yu will i choose to call them confabulations,,she has one friend who comes here and is frightened of all of us,,she has told so many untruths,,we are now of course going thru the boy thing,, incapable of getting safety,, just now the boy--is slightly more challenged than she,, and lives in the next town,, they are totally at our mercies,, his parents and us,,which is a very good thing,,and i find her mean to him to,,,i think she has to be in control of something so ,, she does what she can,,in this town also they do not even seem to realize the notion of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS),, ok i guess i have rattled on enough for now,,,again thanks
General practitionsers, pediatricians, internal and family medicine are generalists: you need a child and adolsscent psyciatrists evaluation and possibly a full psycological evaluation and IQ tests.
The behavors are a window into how the brain is working.
"garbage pall" is not a medical opinion, it is a personal opinion the physician has.
Some well meaning medical practionars are not capable and are not able to match this type of issue. Belief is a right for a private person to have and it is not a reflection on nuro-medicine.
Try the public health nurse at the dept of health. Ask her where the nearest and options are for the proper clinical work ups.
What you really need are a clear idea of what is going on, even if it is "just"
whatever it is.
Sorry it is so difficult.
The behavors are a window into how the brain is working.
"garbage pall" is not a medical opinion, it is a personal opinion the physician has.
Some well meaning medical practionars are not capable and are not able to match this type of issue. Belief is a right for a private person to have and it is not a reflection on nuro-medicine.
Try the public health nurse at the dept of health. Ask her where the nearest and options are for the proper clinical work ups.
What you really need are a clear idea of what is going on, even if it is "just"
whatever it is.
Sorry it is so difficult.
Marguerite
Active Member
Hi, Lilians.
You describe your daughter as needing to be in control and this probably fuelling her being mean to people (and probably the lies).
If that is the case, then I think the alleged "no nonsense" approach is perhaps NOT going to work and could make things worse.
Often what people mean by "no nonsense" is, "let's be really strict, apply lots of controls and make sure we regiment every second of her day so she has no wiggle room to manipulate people or get away with anything she shouldn't."
A lot of us were raised this way - I know I was. The more you tried to assert yourself, the tighter were the controls on you. I was fairly easy child so I didn't fight against it too hard, I just rolled with it. But this either works fairly well, or fails spectacularly.
In my opinion, the reason it fails is because the child you are trying to keep a tight rein on, is a kid who himself feels that he has absolutely no power in his own life. A lot of their behaviours them from a need to control coupled with extreme anger and frustration at how confusing everything can be. Often they get oppositional purely from a desire to have SOME say somewhere. It becomes a "push-pull" scenario, where they get into such strong habits of automatically pulling in the opposite direction that they often react that way without even thinking about what is really happening. And we as parents get into the habit of being ready for this and increasing our tight grip on the reins. All this can only make it worse.
Think of a tug of war. You on one side, the kid on the other side. Now, if it is a really important issue that you're tugging over (say, there is a deep and dangerous chasm in between) then of course you have to go carefully. But if it's no big deal, think about what happens when you let go the rope. Even if it IS a big deal issue, easing your tug on the rope can often result in them easing their pull-back also.
What we did was to give the child back some control, in areas where it really was no big deal to us. For example, a child who wants to go play outside in the snow - if you stand in the doorway and don't let them past you until they've put on a coat, this (with an impulsive, easily frustrated child) will rapidly escalate to a screaming match with physical violence likely. Compliance? Unlikely.
But if you instead call to the child, "Do you want your blue jacket or the red one?" they are more likely to put on a jacket. But what if the child dashes out without a jacket? If you didn't make a big deal out of it, the child has no vested interest in sticking to his guns and continuing to refuse to put on a jacket out of pure stubbornness. He will quickly realise it's cold outside and will come back in to put on a jacket.
We often recommend "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It's a great book which can really help you find more effective ways to handle oppositional behaviours and other problem behaviours. It's not a cure, but it really can make a big difference. There is some good discussion on this book in the Early Childhood forum.
Welcome to the site.
Marg
You describe your daughter as needing to be in control and this probably fuelling her being mean to people (and probably the lies).
If that is the case, then I think the alleged "no nonsense" approach is perhaps NOT going to work and could make things worse.
Often what people mean by "no nonsense" is, "let's be really strict, apply lots of controls and make sure we regiment every second of her day so she has no wiggle room to manipulate people or get away with anything she shouldn't."
A lot of us were raised this way - I know I was. The more you tried to assert yourself, the tighter were the controls on you. I was fairly easy child so I didn't fight against it too hard, I just rolled with it. But this either works fairly well, or fails spectacularly.
In my opinion, the reason it fails is because the child you are trying to keep a tight rein on, is a kid who himself feels that he has absolutely no power in his own life. A lot of their behaviours them from a need to control coupled with extreme anger and frustration at how confusing everything can be. Often they get oppositional purely from a desire to have SOME say somewhere. It becomes a "push-pull" scenario, where they get into such strong habits of automatically pulling in the opposite direction that they often react that way without even thinking about what is really happening. And we as parents get into the habit of being ready for this and increasing our tight grip on the reins. All this can only make it worse.
Think of a tug of war. You on one side, the kid on the other side. Now, if it is a really important issue that you're tugging over (say, there is a deep and dangerous chasm in between) then of course you have to go carefully. But if it's no big deal, think about what happens when you let go the rope. Even if it IS a big deal issue, easing your tug on the rope can often result in them easing their pull-back also.
What we did was to give the child back some control, in areas where it really was no big deal to us. For example, a child who wants to go play outside in the snow - if you stand in the doorway and don't let them past you until they've put on a coat, this (with an impulsive, easily frustrated child) will rapidly escalate to a screaming match with physical violence likely. Compliance? Unlikely.
But if you instead call to the child, "Do you want your blue jacket or the red one?" they are more likely to put on a jacket. But what if the child dashes out without a jacket? If you didn't make a big deal out of it, the child has no vested interest in sticking to his guns and continuing to refuse to put on a jacket out of pure stubbornness. He will quickly realise it's cold outside and will come back in to put on a jacket.
We often recommend "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It's a great book which can really help you find more effective ways to handle oppositional behaviours and other problem behaviours. It's not a cure, but it really can make a big difference. There is some good discussion on this book in the Early Childhood forum.
Welcome to the site.
Marg
lillians
lillians
we lived in bc for years where the children were diagnosed abd treated in childrens hospital seen by their finest,, there is in maple ridge bc one of the few places where a child can be diagnosed ,, , we actually worked eeven at home with a phsycologist he used to come to our home,,, we saw the physychiatrist at childrens hospital every 4 months ,, there was where all medications were prescribed ,,or reccommended to maple ridge dr,,, dr asante,, and dr diane fast,,i thank you for telling me what i thought i knew about no nonsense approach for her we did take courses in bc re behavoiur managements,, but now as she is older,, it seems our frustrations are in place and what we thought we learned,,lol goes down the tubes, we also had the benefit of a wonderful Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) support group,, here we need to travel far,,
Star*
call 911........call 911
Lil'
Just wanted to add my welcome to the family. It's a good one -
.
You may want to post in the Teen Forum for substance abuse to get further more specific help.
Sounds like you have all been through the mill and back. You'll get great support here. And a laugh of two along the way -
Signed
HRM
Star.... - so very serious.
Just wanted to add my welcome to the family. It's a good one -
. You may want to post in the Teen Forum for substance abuse to get further more specific help.
Sounds like you have all been through the mill and back. You'll get great support here. And a laugh of two along the way -
Signed
HRM
Star....
- so very serious.
Critter Lover
New Member
Hi lillians! Welcome to the forum. The people here are great on support. I have not been here long but they sure do give me "warm Fuzzies" when I need it the most.
mamabeardefendinghercubs
New Member
all I can say to you is that i am so glad that you found a place like this to come and share the people here have been so amazing and helpful.. I am deeply touched by your story as I can only imagine how hard all of this must be on yourself and your husband going through all of this when by rights you should be looking forward to happier and more stress free times.. I admire your courage when faced with all of these things... its always nice to hear another persons story and to realise that your not alone in all of this... for as different as all of our children are tehy definitley have somethings in common .. its really nice to meet you
lillians
lillians
its been a journey i can tell yu from police cars to meltdowns,, and learning what a dumb b--ch i am lol,,, my humour has actually increased as i would die without it,,our older children --all in their mid to late 40;s do not like to be around us and see what takes place here,,and what we actually turn our backs to while we sort out if this is one we want to battle over and a lot is not!!!!
SearchingForRainbows
Active Member
I just want to add my welcome too and let you know I'm glad you found us. You definitely have your hands full!!! I think Marg has given you some excellent advice. As Star mentioned, I think you should post in the Substance Abuse forum. I'm sure you'll get some great advice there.
Stick around. Lots of great people here. WFEN
Stick around. Lots of great people here
. WFEN
