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<blockquote data-quote="ready2run" data-source="post: 412413" data-attributes="member: 11339"><p>i don't think you have failed.... these things take time to play out. your daughter sounds like me at her age. i was horrible. i never knew why but i felt this rage and anger at my mother, like i hated her and i would do anything to get away from her rules and her trying to force me to do things her way. once i started drinking i could not stop and no one could stop me. i also live in ontario and my parents told me if i thought i was so grown up and didn't want to follow their rules i could leave at anytime. i know they were trying to use reverse psychology, but i left. i got pregnant and had my oldest child when i was barely 17. i managed to stay sober and clean while i was pregnant. after that i fought hard to stay sober most of the time. other times i was back into the overwhelming feeling of hate and needing to escape(mostly from my mother who i now know was only trying to help) i definitely agree that you and her father should both be attending al-anon meetings if possible or some other co-dependancy group which it sounds like he needs more than you do. their tough love methods may just be what your daughter needs to get herself back on track and if not, you will learn to keep yourself from inadvertantly causing more harm than good with good intentions. i was in and out of rehab and it was hard but i did it so i know it can be done. she will most likely need to hit some kind of bottom to open her eyes and see the reality of what she's doing. for now, from what i've been through, trying to put a tighter leash on her will only make her fight back harder and feel alienated, although i don't have a parents perspective on this so i can't say not to get totally strict and lock her up. i would want to do that too, i'm sure. you can't really keep her from over-indulging once she is of age, if that's what she wants to do. i think giving her information would be the best way to help, in my opinion. make sure she knows her family history of alcoholism. give her written proof that these things are hereditary. give her information on the difference between social drinking and over-indulging, and on how to identify if she may have a problem(AA checklist is corny but effective). make sure she knows that she can come to you if she needs help in that aspect without being afraid of punishment. and then she will need time. maybe lots, maybe not so much. that is if she is already addicted, which for teens can happen much faster than with adults. also, consider that while she may be going to a bit of an extreme, she may just be doing normal teenage stuff. </p><p>i'm sure my mom felt like a failure as a mother when i went through all this stuff but none of it was really her fault, although she did kind of drive me away she didn't mean to. it's too early to tell how she will turn out in the long run. i think once we get past a certain age and lose our rebellious fight for individuality we all start to settle into who we are going to be. that is when you can see as a parent all the good you have done. hope you find something that works for you and for her. there is alot of help out there for addictions if she decides she wants to take it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ready2run, post: 412413, member: 11339"] i don't think you have failed.... these things take time to play out. your daughter sounds like me at her age. i was horrible. i never knew why but i felt this rage and anger at my mother, like i hated her and i would do anything to get away from her rules and her trying to force me to do things her way. once i started drinking i could not stop and no one could stop me. i also live in ontario and my parents told me if i thought i was so grown up and didn't want to follow their rules i could leave at anytime. i know they were trying to use reverse psychology, but i left. i got pregnant and had my oldest child when i was barely 17. i managed to stay sober and clean while i was pregnant. after that i fought hard to stay sober most of the time. other times i was back into the overwhelming feeling of hate and needing to escape(mostly from my mother who i now know was only trying to help) i definitely agree that you and her father should both be attending al-anon meetings if possible or some other co-dependancy group which it sounds like he needs more than you do. their tough love methods may just be what your daughter needs to get herself back on track and if not, you will learn to keep yourself from inadvertantly causing more harm than good with good intentions. i was in and out of rehab and it was hard but i did it so i know it can be done. she will most likely need to hit some kind of bottom to open her eyes and see the reality of what she's doing. for now, from what i've been through, trying to put a tighter leash on her will only make her fight back harder and feel alienated, although i don't have a parents perspective on this so i can't say not to get totally strict and lock her up. i would want to do that too, i'm sure. you can't really keep her from over-indulging once she is of age, if that's what she wants to do. i think giving her information would be the best way to help, in my opinion. make sure she knows her family history of alcoholism. give her written proof that these things are hereditary. give her information on the difference between social drinking and over-indulging, and on how to identify if she may have a problem(AA checklist is corny but effective). make sure she knows that she can come to you if she needs help in that aspect without being afraid of punishment. and then she will need time. maybe lots, maybe not so much. that is if she is already addicted, which for teens can happen much faster than with adults. also, consider that while she may be going to a bit of an extreme, she may just be doing normal teenage stuff. i'm sure my mom felt like a failure as a mother when i went through all this stuff but none of it was really her fault, although she did kind of drive me away she didn't mean to. it's too early to tell how she will turn out in the long run. i think once we get past a certain age and lose our rebellious fight for individuality we all start to settle into who we are going to be. that is when you can see as a parent all the good you have done. hope you find something that works for you and for her. there is alot of help out there for addictions if she decides she wants to take it. [/QUOTE]
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