Hi I'm new to all this....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by fedupinMn, Apr 6, 2007.

  1. fedupinMn

    fedupinMn New Member

    Hi,

    I am new to this forum AND to the whole adhd, odd/conduct dis and chemical dependancy stuff. This is the last of 6...he is 14

    I really related to the title....this is spring vacation for us and I am single mom in wheelchair...have spent almost all of vacation locked in my room out of fear....

    We have had the court stuff, counselers, socail workers, crisis workers.....he is on probation for drugs and last UA failed. He is holding me hostage as the title says and daily life is becoming unbareable.....my "father" told me to give him to foster care.....

    The rages, violence, defience, at home and in the community...we are on the verge of losing our 4th apt in 3 years because of his behavior and destruction....I am sooo far in debt because of moving and fixing things he breaks in these aptments

    I found this forum looking up some of the many letters on his diagnosis....this has been going on since birth with him...none of the other kids where as bad....had some issues, but nothing compared to this....

    When he was running away last summer and fall it was the first full nites sleep I'd had in years...sad Huh? he's been in mental health units, rehab..ran from there, Sherifs youth ranch for consequence program and Juvy hall....going back at some point Occupational Therapist (OT) juvy for 2 days....probation doesn't do anything, socail workers don't do anything, police don't do anything....I don't know who elase to turn to...his "dad" isn't in the picture..

    I do try my hardest to hold him accountalble..have learned a little from 8 weeks of crisis counseling but that eneded last week, and still nothing from the social workers.....he scares me with his screaming, throwing stuff, threatening, and the blaming me for everything wrong...like rain...yup, I made it rain so he couldn't go out.....or so he says...

    went out yesturday and wasn't where he was supposed to be, came back with money, condom, cigs, and matches....called PO and nothing they can do...huh? I said? I swear he was on something...I don't know who to turn to.....thanks for letting me write this here!!!!

    I copy/pasted this here..was suggested by another member.....was hard to write it once...hope you all don't mind the C/P thing?!
     
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Welcome! I'm glad you found us, but sorry you had to.

    Sorry, but I have some questions before pointing you in the right direction for help: What is your son's diagnosis? What kind of doctor diagnosed him? Is he on any medications? Have the medications made things better or worse?

    Again, welcome. You've found a great site for lots of support.
     
  3. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    Welcome to the board.

    My difficult child is 10 so your issues may be a little different than mine (although a lot sound very familiar).

    I had some of the same questions as smallworld.

    The best thing you can do right now is read all you can. When I found this site years ago I felt helpless, but after reading and reading and learning all I could, I didn't feel so out of control. I had some tools I could use to at least feel like I could do something to help my son. And I also have a great support system I can go to when I feel like all else was failing and no one else understood.

    Linda
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. Sorry you're having such a hard time. I also am interested in the questions. Has he been assessed by a Child psychiatrist or neuropsychologist and what medications is he on or has been on? Ever been tried on a mood stabilizer, without stimulants or antidepressants? I think that, since you are in a wheelchair, and he is currently unstable, it's not unreasonable to look for an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement. He could probably be stabilized and helped, but, if you're that afraid of him, and he is so unstable that he is dangerous, then I would consider it. I wouldn't do foster care. They don't know any more than we do (I was a "therapeutic foster home"--we got no training, no support, no nothing). In his frame of mind he'd likely float from home to home. An Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is at least one place, not ten, and some are good (not all). If he is one drugs (I had a daughter who once was heavily into drugs) I think #1 is to get him off the street and that won't happen in foster care or in your home.
     
  5. fedupinMn

    fedupinMn New Member

    Hi and thank you I added a my stuff thing but don't know what all the short cuts to names are.

    We currently live in Minnesota far from family of any kind.

    I really don't know anyone here except my homemaker who is of NO help when it comes to 14 YO hurts out of good intentions and when talked to about it...well, nothing changes...like giving a drug addict cash behind my back....good grief

    A child psycologist diagnosed him as well as 2 trips to hospital crisis mental health unit with psychiatrists also....still don't know all the diagnoses....have asked socail workers but still waiting.....been almost a year since first hospital admission.

    Only medication tried so far is Strattera but made symptoms worse, aggression and rage was 100 times worse, was ordered by hospital and refilled by primary physician, still waiting for socail workers to get with it and appoint a psychiatrist for medications.....we're on medicaid...doesn't help the situation....I call them every couple weeks but nothing...it HAS to go through them....because of the insurance...can't get more medications until social workers get what ever they have to do done....need them for reffural to child psycologist....sigh

    He hasn't been physically abusive, yet, but has threatened 3 times in past year to be....but starts fires/burns things doesn't know why and I have service dog, dog is scared to death of 14 YO, he screams yells swears throws stuff punches walls light fixtures dog....follows me with threatening behavior till I just give up and hide in my room....I am afraid the day will come when he follows through with the physical violence.

    Oh, they think he might be bi polar but we don't know for sure yet...still waiting on socail workers to get stuff done...frustrating....!!!!!

    Did I answer the questions? If I forgot something please let me know? Thanks

    Oh, what's Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? The socail workers say the only option I have is theraputic foster home. Maybe because of my insurance?
     
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome,
    I'm sorry your difficult child is struggling so much right now. You certainly have a lot on your plate. If he does have bipolar he needs to be medicated for it. My difficult child is bipolar and can't take any medications that are stimulants or Straterra because they all make him more agressive. If he is bipolar he needs to be on a mood stabilizer and possibly other medications.

    Even though it's hard you also need to be sure to take care of you-do you get any respite? You sound so tired-like most of us when we first found this site. You will find much support here!
     
  7. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Fed up, I'm guessing you're looking at more than ADHD. If your difficult child (gift from God -- the child who brought you here) has bipolar disorder, a therapeutic foster home is not going to make a difference. Your difficult child needs the right medications and therapeutic interventions to help him. An Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is a Residential Treatment Center, where children/adolescents go to be treated for emotional disorders that can not be handled in the home. An Residential Treatment Center (RTC) program stabilizes them with medications and then works therapeutically to help them develop coping skills. If that is not an option, your difficult child at the very least needs to be seen by a child/adolescent psychiatrist (NOT psychologist) to treat him properly. Is there any way you can call the social worker every day until you get some action? You need help now.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I"m your neighbor in Wisconsin. I'm sorry you can't get better help with Medicaid--in Wisconsin it's easy to get good help, Medicaid or not. Your son sounds more like he has a mood disorder than ADHD or ODD and I'd REALLY be cautious about believing a CD diagnosis. It's very serious with a poor prognosis, and it isn't usually diagnosed until after 18. Often CD is misdiagnoed when it's really bipolar, and STraterra would make BiPolar (BP) WAY worse. Has he ever tried a mood stablizer without any stimulants or antidepressants? Straterra is an antidepressant. Do any university hospitals take Medicaid? In Wisconsin, they do and that's where we got the best help. in my opinion it's not a good idea to go the foster care route. We did foster care for a while. We were "therapeutic" too and got NO extra training. It basically meant we were willing to take "hard" kids. Your son, in his condition, would likely float from home to home, and you wouldn't retain as many rights to him as you are promised. If he has an undiagnosed/wrongly medicated disorder, it won't help him anyways. Good luck and keep trying!
     
  9. oceans

    oceans New Member

    I'm sorry things have been so difficult. I agree with the others. He is not stable and needs to be on the correct medication. If he is bipolar he will need a mood stabilizer. It sounds like you are not safe in your environment. I agree that he needs a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Is there a state hospital that has a sliding pay scale where you live? We have one here, and they also have a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Once you go through the hospital program, there is a chance to live in their Residential Treatment Center (RTC) after. They work with medication and providing a good structured environment. Check to see if there is a NAMI where you live. They can help you with support groups and know about services in your area.
     
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome. Sorry you needed to find us, but glad you did.

    If I am reading your post correctly your sons violent behavior
    has been going on for a year, he has been evaluated and yet the
    only medication that has been tried is Strattera?? He has been
    placed in multiple different environments and none of it has
    helped?? Most importantly both you and your dog feel threatened
    by him on a regular basis?

    I don't mean to be too blunt. Truth be known I am actually a
    fairly low key nice person who has been a child advocate for
    years BUT your son needs more help than you can provide. I think you should pick up the phone and tell "the system" that
    you love your son but can do nothing to help him without their
    professional help. I think you need to tell them that if they
    can not get him to an adolescent psychiatrist by the end of April that they need to line up a therapeutic foster home for him for May lst.

    That sounds pretty drastic, I'll admit. Your son needs help
    NOW (if it is not too late to break the destructive pattern) and
    it is easiest and cheapest for the system to let you deal with
    him. If he is placed in a therapeutic foster home the foster
    parents will be able to get help. They are part of the system
    and when they tell their supervisors that he must have help...I
    believe he will have the best shot at getting it.

    Obviously you have done a fine job of raising a large family. I
    read what you shared about your other children and that alone tells me that you are a caring, wonderful Mom. Your youngest
    boy has problems that are not your fault and that you can not
    solve. A number of people in our CD family have had to turn their children over to the system to assure that their kids got
    help AND that they remained safe. Give some thought to it. You
    deserve a more peaceful life. Sending hugs and a prayer. DDD
     
  11. fedupinMn

    fedupinMn New Member

    thank you all for the advice....I'm sooo glad I found this forum. I agree he needs help NOW...convincing the people at social services of that is another story.

    we have to have a refferal for EVERYTHING from them....I will ask on Monday if we have a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) program and if that is something medicaid can pay for....on a VERY fixed income since the car accident..all pennies accounted for every month.

    We can't go to Phsyciatrist without their refferal....still waiting...I will try calling more, although it is tough, they seem so annoyed when I do that...

    When my difficult child..thanks for the explination...:) was in rehab the counseler there wanted him to have a phsyciatric work up at our local hospital...the counseler felt my difficult child was misdiagnosed but difficult child ran from program before we had a chance to have it done...sigh so now we have to go through the social worker..mental health program....they say who can go, how it gets paid for, where they go, ect....

    difficult child isn't able to stick with "programs" unless he CAN'T leave...he finds ways to run....

    no respite...heard the social worker mention it, but once again, still waiting....I know they are over worked and under paid but it doesn't help the frustration level when life and difficult child gets tough!!!!

    thanks everyone...I will call monday and tuesday ect....maybe if they get sick of me....?
     
  12. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Hi fed up,
    I sent you a pm, please click on the flashing read mail icon at the top of this page to read it.
     
  13. fedupinMn

    fedupinMn New Member

    thanks tiredmommy....I found the pm and submitted the name change...do you know how long it will take? and if I will get an e-mail or pm about it? I have to duck out of here when difficult child gets going so might not see a pm....

    Thnaks for the kind welcome everyone!!!
     
  14. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    The name change went through on the board side.
     
  15. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Call everyday if you have to. The squeaky wheel gets the oil - even if it is only to shut it up.
     
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree. Call every day if you have to!!!!

    I was born and raised in MN, by the way. I miss it, but I don't miss the weather.

    Good luck. Your life sounds pretty miserable. I'm glad you've found us here.
     
  17. fedupinMn

    fedupinMn New Member

    Well, spent the better part of the day being the squeaky wheel...

    NOW they won't do a placement of ANY kind....unreal....I know it's about the money!!!!

    Yesturday my difficult child kicked me while having a temper tantrum..hit my bad knee and blew it pretty bad..I have pins, screws, ect holding the thing together.So now I can't drive...

    "They" are saying we have to start with the least invasive tech. first, like in home therapy, since most of the stuff they have is "too old" last fall stuff, like a rehad reccommendation for a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and psychiatric evaluation...didn't even know it had been done...seems since my difficult child is 14 I don't get info, "his rights" but yet I "HAVE" to set up another...4th one...rule 25 assesment for CD for him even though his PO told my difficult child when we were in court to just go down stairs and make the appointment but difficult child refused....then I get lectured about holding my difficult child accountable for his actions???????

    BUT they are basing his diagnosis on a pshc evaluation from 2004 which doesn't even apply now and was done by a psycologist....so no medications.... and he has gotten MUCH worse since....I am livid!!! This makes NO sense to me at all!!!!

    Anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? We have gone the in home therapy route, private counselor, crisis adolecent mental health admissions, twice, rehab..which he ran from, the Sherrifs Youth Ranch, a consequence program, and Juvy for 2 days....but all too long ago..all this has been done within the last year.....

    The socail worker kept asking me why I thought he'd be medication compliant this time? I told her that maybe, since I wasn't the only one reccommending an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement, that my difficult child could be missdiagnosed..they, rehab, thought maybe bi-polar...and therefore if we found the right medications he might take them....I was just brushed off big time. No one is taking me seriously and they keep coming up with excuses why they can't do things to help my difficult child.....grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

    I just don't have the fight in me left....I am emotionally and physically drained!!! Even my service dog is scared of my difficult child. NOONE IS LISTENING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


     
  18. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    What county are you in? Has difficult child been SMRT'd? I live in MN & have some resources for you to pursue (if you haven't done so already) depending on the county in which you reside.
     
  19. Liahona

    Liahona Active Member

    You can do this. Take time to regroup then squeak away. You've got friends and a wonderful support group here.

    Its hard to brush of data. Keep records. difficult child blew out your knee. Write it down. And send it to social worker. This is what I'm living with. I write down every thing I can about difficult child 1's behaviors and send it to therapist. I try to do the behavior journal once a day. Sometimes it actually happens once every few days. But it helps him see what behaviors are happening at home and if anything is helping.
     
  20. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member


    What would happen if you called the police and pressed assault charges for the damage to your knee? Would they take him to juvie and then you could refuse to let him come back into your
    home?

    I know that sounds scarey but it sure seems to me that you have
    to do something drastic AND asap. DDD
     
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