Hi, newbie from Oz,sooo good to find you all!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by thestormyjourney, Mar 21, 2007.

  1. thestormyjourney

    thestormyjourney New Member

    Hi everyone,

    Just wanted to say what a relief it is to find this board, I have been searching for other sites for parents with children that remotely sound like mine but the worst I get is " My child wont eat vegetable, what can I do?" Pfft puh-lease, if that were the worst of my problems I'd be dancing on moonbeams...

    Sorry, excuse the sarcasm... lol

    Right now, I'm fed up with the school system, My eldest difficult child has been expelled once and suspended close to 25 times, all the while completely working the system to be able to stay home with me. He does whatever it takes to get himself suspended so he can be home. He has been on partial attendance (2hrs a day) for a yr and a half and has not had a full day at school in 2 yrs. I am sick of the site of him as he is constantly in my presence, even following me to the toilet..and his antagonism drives me to insanity.

    He is inelligble for what would normally be put into place here, (an SSP)because his younger brother attends one and they dont accept siblings and the other is for kids in an older age bracket than him. I currently have a Docs social worker meant to be doing everything she can to help me and both of my difficult child are seeing a child psychiatric, and have been for around a month now. The school is telling me basically I have to "sit tight" and try and put temporary measures into place until next yr when this school can take him (as he will be 10 and old enoguh to be accepted)...which is NEXT FEBRUARY!! HE LOVES IT as heis running the show and as part of his ODD loves that he has control of the situation.

    His father is a child in a mans body and is of absolutly no help whatsoever, but I have seriously had it and I know I will strangle someone soon. All this gets me sooooo down, just like it does you guys....there is so much more to say but at the risk of writing a 1000 page essay I will stop...lets just say any advice on medications or anything would be helpful.. and just to know IM NOT THE ONLY ONE!!!
  2. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Good morning lady from Oz! LOL!

    You have a full plate. I have 2 difficult child's too (actually should have been 3, but I saved my easy child before it got too far out of line LOL). I was divorced, doing it on my own for a long time. I completely understand how you feel.

    We have a wonderful lady that posts here from Australia, too. Her name is Marguerite. I bet she'll come along some time this morning with good advice. Our system here in the states is much different than where you are :smile:

    It's good you found us. You'll find loads of information just from reading the threads. I would suggest trying to find a good (reputable) psychiatrist. Not pediatrician, but someone experienced in childhood disorders. It'll be hard for you to improve your children without accurate diagnosis'es and medications. Yes, it's hard and it takes time, but things can improve.

    Sending gentle hugs,

  3. oceans

    oceans New Member

    Just wanted to welcome you. I don't know how the system works where you live. It can be difficult even to have one difficult child, and it sounds like you have to work with two! Good luck with getting in the special school. It is difficult when you do not have the correct setting for difficult child. 25 times is a lot of suspensions! I hope that you are doing things to care for yourself with all this going on. Take care!
  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good Morning "Stormy",

    So glad you found your way here. And, make no excuses with the sarcasm. It is somewhat amusing to hear what passes for stress with a easy child parent. And, unfortunately, that is what makes many easy child parents extrememly judgemental and noncompassionate.

    I totally understand about your difficult child self-sabatoging in order to stay home. My difficult child would love to be here. Not because he doesn't like school, but because he wants to be with me! Can you say run and get the scissors to cut the apron strings!!!!

    Again, glad you are here. We have a couple posters from "down under" who can relate and recommend on your system.

  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    G'day, Stormy. Welcome, you've found the place OK, I see... I do agree, this is the best place for REAL help and ideas, it's changed our lives. We're from Sydney too. Depending on where in Sydney you are, you can have a lot of help, or a nightmare, with the Dept of Ed Regional Offices. However, I've met a couple of local feisty ladies who have shown me the right person to call and the right words to use, to get action.

    Some immediate suggestions - we brought in a rule with suspensions/illness/anxiety/home for whatever reason - "School work during school hours". If the teacher didn't give us any, I made it up. Or I bought a book which I thought he could manage, and made him do it. Once he got a certain amount of book work done, I would reward him with computer time (only using educational software, although "Carmen Sandiego" is also fun). He is now studying via Distance Education, which has been brilliant for him. My son is also very bright, like yours, and what he actually does best with is challenge. By supporting and encouraging him to do challenging work, he is discovering a lot of inner strength. More importantly, he is finally catching up on all the work he has missed over the years, with his long absences.

    Two other resources - "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Get a copy from the library, or have a look at the Early Childhood forum where there is a long thread detailing how this works. I eventually bought my own copy but because there was a new edition coming out I had to wait months for it, so that's why I say grab a library copy first.
    Second, and I'm suggesting this with no real understanding of his diagnosis - just for the sake of curiosity, go to http://www.childbrain.com and look up their Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. He may not have anything like it, but I've found just doing the questionnaire can help 'gel' your concerns and thoughts on your child. You may totally rule out anything like Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) but it might give you other ideas to follow up. It's not an official diagnostic test, it's just an informal screen, but you can print the results and take them to your child's doctor for their opinion.

    Have a look also at the forum dealing with education issues. Although the US is different to us, in a lot of Special Education areas it is very similar. I don't quite get what you've been told - I think you might be getting 'had' by whoever at the school. or it may just be that school - is it a private one? A government school especially has a legal responsibility to help with a child who has problems like this. There is no rationing system allotted to families; no triage mentality; it's another kid needing help. He should be eligible for an IEP regardless of IQ and regardless of anything to do with siblings. difficult child 3 had an IEP in mainstream, with maybe the highest IQ in the school (including staff).

    I'm only going to be on erratically over the next few days, my daughter is in hospital recovering from getting her appendix out today, but I'll be watching for your posts.

  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Marg (who is a "pro" on your system, has offered you a great deal of good advice). I'm popping in to offer you my welcome.

    I hope we can help you through this journey - take it a step at a time. :flower:
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Stormy!
    Here's a cup of tea.
    You do sound frustrated. So sorry about your school system.
    ...and about your ex.
  8. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Welcome Stormy! No real words of advice but wanted to add my welcome. (won't eat veggies??? snort! If only that was all we had to deal with! lol )

    This site is a wonderful source of support, guidence and advice. Although there are a lot of differences in the systems here and in Oz, Marg will be a good resource for you. She is the ultimate Warrior Mom of Oz!!! :warrior:

    Welcome again!
  9. Alisonlg

    Alisonlg New Member

    Welcome to the board!

    Won't eat veggies! LMAO! I must say, sometimes I like to dillude myself into thinking that's the extent of my worries for a few breif moments in time, just to see if I believe it...LOL...but, as we know, it's the least of our worries, right?

    I hope you find some help soon. :::Hugs:::
  10. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    Adding my welcome also....sorry you had to find us.
  11. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    Hi Stormy! :smile: Marguerite has pretty much said what I would have, so I'll just ditto her. She's given some good points to get started with. My difficult child was/is one who hated school, and when all his troubles started in grade 2 the school made the mistake of sending him home every time he acted up. difficult child, who also is very smart, figured it out quick - hate school + don't want to be here + act up = get to go home. I also make it boring to be home, he's not allowed to do anything but schoolwork, or worksheets I give him, or just sit on his bed and do nothing. He's found it's better to go to school and able to hang out with a couple friends than get sent home and sit in his room (took a few years to get him to this point though). I hope you can get something figured out for your difficult child so he can be successful.

    Again, welcome to a wonderful site. :flower:
  12. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Welcome Stormy-
    Isn't that why we are all here? Our children won't eat veggies!!! :hypnosis: If only... We'll sorry you have had to find us. We will offer you lots of compassion and some good advice from the heart. Some funny stories hopefully!!! This is the place for defiance...

    Sending hugs :flower:
  13. thestormyjourney

    thestormyjourney New Member

    Awww thanks so much Ladies!!! Your warm welcomes have put the biggest smmile on my face in a long time, I feel so much at home with other Mothers who know exactly what it's like, as I have no friends around here who are in anywhere near similar circumstances.

    Marg, I'm currently out at Campbelltown, around 45 mins out of Sydney. I have a DOCS Early Intervention worker (a new one which has been assigned to my case as my other one decided she wanted to further her career in management instead of case work) so now I feel like I'm starting all over again in terms of her suggesting and trying things that have already been done. She is meant to be chasing the Dept of Ed for me as difficult child 1's Principal is an arrogant &*^$& who gives me the same spiel in hopes I'll go away and stop annoying him. Also his psychiatric is trying her best to pull strings with who she knows inthe Dept of Ed but bloody hell everyone's got better things to do and everything takes so long! ARGH!!

    As for making him do work when he's home, he absolutly refuses and rips it up! There are consequences in place when he is at home such as no tv/ds/computer but he'd rather sit in his room and do nothing, maybe read...he is EXTREMELY defiant and the most stubborn child. There is nothing else I can take away from him...his room has been stripped and he has nothing in there except a bed and a few books, so its not like he's playing games or anything. He is extremely lazy, although very bright, and anything that required a little effort is just not even attempted. He has been out of a normal school, 6 hr day for so long, and even a 2 hr session at school,his teacher (who is behviourally trained) has to really pull out all stops to keep him in line.

    I have "The Explosive Child" and am currently around half way through it, it's a fantastic book so far and I'm looking forward to finishing it.

    I did the questionnaire, it said 39, no Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD).

    Not sure what an IEP is, but hes had a teachers aid and every kind of assessment done by the school. I do feel like they are not doing ABSOLUTLY everything they can, even though they are making out like they are.

    This has gone on for so long I am so drained from the whole thing and find myself just running out of puff to keep pushing for what I know he needs.

    His Father is one of those "He doesn't have this and he doesn't have that, he doesn't behave like that for me" kind of attitude..guess he thinks I'm making up ODD and there is no such thing..

    At the moment my difficult child 2 is doing fairly well at his behavioural school, except yesterday he got 10 warnings which means he is excluded for one day....so lucky me I get to have both difficult children home on Friday...yipeeeeee I CANT WAIT.

    You ladies are the strongest, most amazing women I have ever encountered (I have been lurking here and reading a little bit) and I am so greatful to be a part of this community...

    Stormy (Renee)
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    OK Renee, some protective advice for you, and this is coming from someone who has good reason to feel paranoid about the 'Net at times: don't use your real name in your sig, and don't mention location too publicly either. PMs are good for sharing that sort of stuff, but you need to lie low as far as anything identifying is concerned, especially if you need to slag off at Dept of Ed or schools or teachers. I've had DET people track everything I write, especially when it gets published in hard copy locally. They pass it around.

    That said, I do know Campbelltown,very well. I went to high school there, so did husband, whose family lived there most of his formative years. We met travelling the trains to the city. My eldest daughter, easy child, did her degree in Occupational Therapy out there and worked at the hospital next up the train line in to the city, as well as doing time in local Community Health Centres (so she has worked with a lot of health professionals in your area and knows many others). She's now moved to our favourite national capital. You and I are a local call away (unless you are a lot further out, south or west). PM me if you want to make contact. I can't promise a lot apart from someone to talk to, but it's always a help.

    Sounds like tomorrow won't be a good day to talk, not if you've got your hands full. Would he do educational stuff on the computer? Computers are non-judgmental. Also, what are his best subjects? If you give him work in those areas first, it may open the door a bit. Also to bear in mind - ODD rarely travels alone, there is likely to be some other underlying disorder complicating the picture. ODD is a label that Aussie schools in particular like to throw around, because it absolves them from having to try too hard. I mean, what can you do with an oppositional kid? But a kid who is bright - he is likely to have a VERY keenly developed sense of justice and will think the world is being really unfair to him. It takes very little mismanagement by adults in authority to have a kid like this yelling, "Foul!" What has worked for us - giving time to change tasks, and making sure he understands why we are doing what we are doing, or why certain things are expected. We have no punishments other than natural consequences (ie if you don't tell us you finished the ice cream last night, then clearly we didn't know to buy any and you miss out tonight, as do the rest of us.) And this is working for us, big time. If he fails to get his work done for school, then his teachers are disappointed in him and his goal of doing well this year (to show all those teachers in his past who thought he was a waste of time, and to show all those kids who called him dummy and retard) is at risk of going out the window. I remind, rather than nag. But to begin with - we used maths (his favourite subject) and computer tutorials relevant to the gaps in his knowledge. The only books permitted during school hours were similarly, relevant to his education. And if he goofed off and did nothing - those hours got added to the end of the school day. The only escape was to go to bed and go to sleep. Going to bed and lying there awake - read this textbook, son.

    I also give him choice, where possible, in which school activity to do. And I reward for making an effort. It was amazing how fast things turned around, but it took a lot of intensive supervision and sitting on my hands and mouth for a while. I learned to lead by example, and NOT react using his own behaviours back at him.

    Hope this helps. I'm glad you've connected with us.

  15. wolonfab

    wolonfab New Member


    i am in c'town and i have a scary child too......, my goodness there is someone else who knows whats its like,,,,,,

    if you ever want to meet for coffee...... i am the woman who will battle heat, snow or rain for a break and a chat.......my son goes to a school in ctown too...the second and they all are as bad as each other........

    feel free to pm me if you ever want to meet up... my difficult child is 6 next week...... and has tried all the drugs your oldest has... then slit his wrists..... enough on me.......

    chat soon