Hi Newbie here. Venting hoping for advice/commiseration

[Trix]

I'm so at my wits end right now. Between another long job interview this morning, fighting with my husband over her Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation being during school hours and him not being able to keep our other two children so I have to take all three kids to Occupational Therapist (OT), My only weekly escape being gone (church) I'm not even that religious I just need a break sometimes. I am so stressed right now. Hopefully the Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation can at least offer some advice tomorrow.

 

[Trix]

You need to figure out WHY.
Did you ever ask her?

I have asked her repeatedly, during and after meltdowns she never has an answer if she even agrees to speak about it all. She often picks and item or task and chants it over and over and when given the item or the task is offered it does not stop the meltdown sometimes it makes it worse sometimes it has no effect at all.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Maybe Bizzy needs an Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation too.

Not joking here.
Your sig says he's developing anxiety and nightmares... and he's in grade 1.
I'd have called my difficult child a easy child in grade 1... except for the anxiety.
In reality, sensory and motor skills and auditory processing challenges were driving him crazy.
We had no clue. Back then, nobody knew about most of this stuff.
I'd be getting HIM evaluated too - at least at the Occupational Therapist (OT) level (it's usually the least expensive).

 

[Trix]

I feel like I am failing and fighting a losing battle. I have tried every form of discipline, bribery, question, lectures, and outright begging but nothing makes a difference even the medicine does nothing but knock her out and that only serves to make me feel like I am drugging my kid. To top it off well meaning family members telling me to use a switch or that I am letting her run our lives just make me feel like if I had done something differently in her earlier years I might have made it better or maybe I did something wrong and caused this.

 

[InsaneCdn]

make me feel like if I had done something differently in her earlier years I might have made it better or maybe I did something wrong and caused this.

Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/for...commiseration-52736/index2.html#ixzz2M2aQlxeb

STOP!

You did NOT cause this.
At least, you sure haven't given any evidence that you caused it.
I don't expect you used drugs and alcohol during pregnancy, or left her screaming and hungry in her crib for hours, or refused to hold and cuddle... yes, there are some things that "cause" problems.
IT ISN'T YOU.

Not that we can't learn different approaches and ways of parenting, that can make some difference. Being part of the solution is not at all the same thing as being part of the problem.

Has anybody suggested "The Explosive Child" yet?
That book really opened my eyes to the kinds of challenges these kids really have... and a different way to approach things.

 

[Trix]

Maybe Bizzy needs an Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation too.

Not joking here.
Your sig says he's developing anxiety and nightmares... and he's in grade 1.
I'd have called my difficult child a easy child in grade 1... except for the anxiety.
In reality, sensory and motor skills and auditory processing challenges were driving him crazy.
We had no clue. Back then, nobody knew about most of this stuff.
I'd be getting HIM evaluated too - at least at the Occupational Therapist (OT) level (it's usually the least expensive).

I hadn't considered that. She had night terrors when she was around two but those went away around four. She does not have any behavioral problems and her teacher thinks she might be gifted and wants to have her tested next year. She is very sensitive though and will cry if someone in class finishes and assignment before her. The nightmares usually revolve around something happening to me or one of her sisters. Sometimes the nightmares are about being chased or monsters. She bites her nails to the quick too.

 

[buddy]

At age 5 she may not be able to analyze then formulate that kind of an answer. Often they relate or answer what is happening at the time of the question. OR they have learned, when askeda question, especially WHY? I need to answer SOMETHING so I will say anything. Digging to the root of an issue, just may be beyond her at this point. Especially if it is how she always has felt, she may not recognize things like sensory problems. To her that is normal. Some kids are really good at explaining, but some only can if it is pretty concrete (I want it NOW).... and some can't really remember what set them off.

I had this amazing four year old one time. Her mom suspected Asperger's. SHe was developmentally on target except for more of a loner. She said to me one day when I asked if she wanted to come join us in an activity....
You know, just because I am alone does NOT mean I am lonely. LOL. I about died. She was absolutely right. Of course in the end it did turn out it also had something to do with her not really having the skills to get in there and participate along with some mild sensory things.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Buddy... at 5, my difficult child knew the answers. It was just that nobody at school would believe him. WE (parents) did, but we got shot down too. At 5, difficult child said: School is too noisy so I can't hear, and I can't do the work anyway.

He has... Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) (auditory figure ground) and Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD) (both fine and gross motor skills affected).

 

[buddy]

Yeah, some can for sure! But if they say I dont know I was just saying she really may not or she may, but can't put it into words.

Even Q had times when he would say things...as recently as a couple of weeks ago...he told a teacher that he just can't stop his hands, his body feels too much like moving. Pretty deep if you take it seriously. They were kind about it and helped him walk and calm down as much as possible. THey didn't treat it as an excuse.

 

[Trix]

STOP!

You did NOT cause this.
At least, you sure haven't given any evidence that you caused it.
I don't expect you used drugs and alcohol during pregnancy, or left her screaming and hungry in her crib for hours, or refused to hold and cuddle... yes, there are some things that "cause" problems.
IT ISN'T YOU.

Not that we can't learn different approaches and ways of parenting, that can make some difference. Being part of the solution is not at all the same thing as being part of the problem.

Has anybody suggested "The Explosive Child" yet?
That book really opened my eyes to the kinds of challenges these kids really have... and a different way to approach things.

A lot of family members tell me I spoiled her. I take an AP approach that most of my family does not understand and thinks is hippy nonsense because of cloth diapering, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping and gentle discipline. I have seen that book suggested several times. I think I'll wander over to Amazon and check for a kindle version. My Attachment Parenting style is totally at odds with my husband's Authoritarian parenting style.

 

[BusynMember]

I have asked her repeatedly, during and after meltdowns she never has an answer if she even agrees to speak about it all. She often picks and item or task and chants it over and over and when given the item or the task is offered it does not stop the meltdown sometimes it makes it worse sometimes it has no effect at all.

Does she repeat often? That is an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) trait. Guessing that she'll get that as one of her diagnosis. at least down the road. My son's first language was repeating stuff, even stuff he heard on TV. Sometimes he used to repeat entire cartoon episodes. He was a good mimic and had and still has a great memory! It would have been impossible for him to have answered why he had meltdowns though. He mostly just pointed and made sounds or echoed until he was 4 1/2. Even now, though, at nineteen he has trouble talking about his feelings and why he does things, although he does not act up anymore. That stopped shortly after interventions started.

Sensory issues usually go along with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). My son had Occupational Therapist (OT), PT and social skills in school...it didn't cost us anything. He got a lot out of it. He used to wear a weighted vest and jump on a small tramp in school during PT time.

Remember that an Occupational Therapist (OT) can not diagnose something like Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). It's not her field. Let her do her job and just diagnose what she understands.

 

[InsaneCdn]

You can't ask during a melt-down.
In fact, melt-down level items weren't easy to get answers on because they so often are an accumulation of other stuff, and not really related to the final "trigger" event.

But... the teacher's note... what is "really" going on in school?
Doesn't sound like melt-downs there, just... lack of focus and lack of productivity.
She "might" be able to give you a clue.
Or maybe you could observe in the classroom (I was a regular volunteer)

 

[Liahona]

You could ask for a fuba in her classroom. That is where someone else comes in and just watches and takes notes. This is helpful for finding out what is coming before and after the behaviors. The goal is to find out why kids do their behaviors.

How did the appointment go?

 

[TerryJ2]

Just checking in to see how the appointment went.
I, too, noticed that you had typed that you has asked her during rages, what was the cause. Don't do anything during a rage. Wait an hr or so and then quietly ask. There's a little window there called a "teachable moment." But it will never happen during a rage. It's just throwing more empty words at a kid who's already overwhelmed.
So sorry about your family telling you to use a switch. Like that would do any good!

 

[Trix]

The appointment went over and they still didn't finish so we have to go back for further evaluation. she was not very cooperative. I have an IEP meeting tomorrow o I will absolutly ask about a FUBA (Is that a technical term?)

Her repition is more one word over and over like she will say hungry for an hour but even if you offer her food she just keeps saying it or she will say sleepy even laying in the bed she keeps repeating it until she falls asleep?

They gave me a little white brush to use for sensory work at home and I am getting some small toys and filling a container with beans or rice and putting little toys in it for her to dig for. When she would not do any of their other tests those things calmed her down and eventually got her to work on the other stuff too.

 

[Trix]

Yeah the switch thing is so not happening they used to do that to me when I was a kid and I despised it. I don't see how that could do anything but make it worse.

 

[InsaneCdn]

You won't know until they finish their testing and evaluate the results but...
Boy does that sound Aspie/Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) to me.

The 'word' thing? she gets "stuck".
The sensory stuff. The overload/pushback/won't cooperate stuff.

Will be interesting to see what they come up with.
If it IS "on the spectrum"... then classical parenting techniques must go out the window. Spectrum kids need a different kind of parenting entirely.

 

[Trix]

You won't know until they finish their testing and evaluate the results but...
Boy does that sound Aspie/Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) to me.

The 'word' thing? she gets "stuck".
The sensory stuff. The overload/pushback/won't cooperate stuff.

Will be interesting to see what they come up with.
If it IS "on the spectrum"... then classical parenting techniques must go out the window. Spectrum kids need a different kind of parenting entirely.

I'll try anything at this point. If they will just point me in a direction that might work. She just has the oddest responses. Take all her toys away and make her room pretty much bare and she just laughs, Time outs she goes off into lalala land or sits and chants, spanking either result in that didn't hurt/laughing or screaming and hitting/kicking inanimate objects. At this point if they tell me to let her take a bath in birdseed I'll give it a shot as long is it isn't dangerous

 

[buddy]

The word thing can be a stimulant and also can be a form of echolalia....it may have started by immediate repetition but now be delayed echolalia, my son also has many words and sounds he says over and over. Some are little sing song noises (be-back-a-ewe-ya) he echoed from a peer in third grade and continues to sing daily on and off.

Echolalia and verbal stims can be a symptom in people on the spectrum. (Other conditions too).

The law mandates positive behavior interventions. First step is to try to find out what the behavior is communicating, or what the function of the behavior is. To do that it's standard to do a functional behavior analysis. This term can vary a little. The FBA first defines the behavior of concern, then it is documented in different ways including observations and interviews with you and teachers....and other significant people (day care, docs, etc). The behavior plan then should be designed to reach Appropriate functional behaviors which can replace the negative behaviors.

So, you can ask to have a functional behavior analysis done. Just like any evaluation, put the request in writing and get a receipt so deadlines for responses and completion can be monitored.

 

[Trix]

Thank you. I will write that down to remind myself to bring it up at her IEP.