High anxiety about kicking out child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Conflicted1, Dec 28, 2010.

  1. Conflicted1

    Conflicted1 Guest

    Hello.
    This is my first time here. I don't know if this is the right place to post.
    I am so distraught. I just filled out 30 day eviction for my son. Because of our State Law, if I want to do it legally, I have to give it to him today.
    Reason: being disrespectful;
    I can go into detail if need be; but this is the 2nd time. The 1st time last year, it was because of the same issue.
    I don't want to do it, but I feel that I have to if I want to keep any self-respect at all.
    Anyone here to chat/ help?
    I will help him find a place to stay, but last time he said he didn't want my help.
    Big blow-up 3 days ago.
    Any suggestions on looking for a place for him to stay? Shelter? Last time he said the rules were too strict.
     
  2. lmf64

    lmf64 New Member

    Hi, I'm glad you found us but sorry you needed to. I'm not much help with your particular questions, but wanted to let you know we're here and someone more knowledgable will be along soon.
    They will need to know a few other things ie, how old is your son, where (approx) do you live, does your son have any diagnosed disorders? Hold strong, you can make it through this.
     
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    How old is he? And can you describe the level of disrespect? Does he have a diagnosis for anything? Or is it something that you have never been able to get a handle on?

    I'm often around when others are not, because of the different time zone here in Australia. But I'm about to go out shopping with husband (hubby) so I'll be away for a few hours. Others would be asking the same questions, though.

    Hang in there. You have another 30 days to get through, at least.

    I'll be back in a few hours.

    Marg
     
  4. Conflicted1

    Conflicted1 Guest

    I just wrote this long response, gut wrenching and hit send. the error message said I was not logged in.
    short version
    His age:19
    Disorders: none officially
    Background: My ex-wife and I adopted him at 18 months old. We later had 2 natural born children. My ex and i divorced 3 years ago. He lived with her, then was kicked out by her because of disrespect and has lived with me since.

    He was kicked out by me last January. Reason: disrespect. He was gone for about 2 months; came back with my condition of treating those in my household with respect. He dropped out of school 12/2009. Blames mostly me.

    1st time kicked out by me: He missed curfue; coming in sometimes at 3 am.
    Hid stollen goods at my house. He stole from me, my new wife (1yr now :) ) and his grandmother; my mother. He sneaked in someone even after I told him not to. 3 times. After the 2nd or third time; I said I would call the police on this person if he did it again. My son allowed/sneaked him in again. That was the next to the llast staw. On phone, I asked him where he was, and he said, I'm not telling you; that was at age 17. That was the last straw. Before some of this happened; I bought him a car; price $1900 or $2000. Condition was he pay for insurance.
    He got it impounded for having paraphanalia in car. I paid $600 to get it out; (city regulation) . He didn't pay insurance and the car was on my policy. I took car away; He said I had no right; it's his car too. (If he drove and was on my policy I would be responsible and they would come after me. He lost his job; 5th by the way)
    3 weeks after that he got it impounded again because he let someone drive his car on a suspended license. I did NOT pay again. $2000 plus gone down the drain.

    He came back in Feb or march under condition he would be respectful.
    Now disrespect is here again.
    Shouting; cursing in our argument; put downs; walking up to me getting in my face as if to fight.
    If I don't do anything; I will have little selfrespect. No one should be talked to the way I was, and I'm his father who has been in his corner.
    I could go on.
    However, I have the eviction notice in my pocket and dread giving it to him; wondering if I am over-reacting but I have to do something.
    By the way, before the 1st time I kicked him out (and told him I love him, but based on his behavior, he has chosen to not abide by my rules; and has chosen to leave) he wrote on my car 'suck my...) I hope this does not violate any rules here.

    P.S. This is the short version.
    I love my son, but am hurting and feel I am at end of my rope.
     
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You may want to repost this over in the parent emeritus forum which is for parents of kids over 18. I am assuming your child is 18 or older.

    Some of the parents of older kids dont pop in to the General board often anymore.

    I will tell you that I have been told that to do it legally in my state you have to do the 30 day eviction too but of course, you can make life miserable for him and maybe he will just leave in a huff and you dont have to let him back in. I think there are other reasons you can do a 3 day eviction too or an immediate eviction. Cops should know. 3 day is if you suspect drug activity and immediate is for threats or actual violence.
     
  6. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Guest

    I think Janet is right about finding more parents that can relate to your situation in the Parent Emeritus forum, so I moved the thread.

    Hang in there Conflicted1.
     
  7. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I have been exactly where you are right now. It was a horrible tme in all our lives, to put it mildly, but it had been horrible for so long there was no other choice. I had a friend at the time whose 27 year old son was living in his house, on his sofa, not working and this is what I saw was the future for my own child. We kicked our son out after he broke down our door and I had to get a restraining order against him. He saw what the cold , real world was like at that time. He saw. He lived with friends and had to work (the horror) just to live in some bedbug infested flop-house. He got kicked out of the Marines before he even got to bootcamp. He had to learn the hard way...some of our kids have to learn the hard way. It is sad and painful as a parent. Now my son is a union carpenter, he works with my husband. My husband will lay that kid off in a heartbeat if he doesn't bust his butt at work and he knows it. He has a work ethic now, he has responsibility now. He is not mature, and always learns the hard way. But he is moving forward and I am happy about that. Your son may have to find his own way, maybe appreciate all you do for him by your stopping what you do for him. I know it's hard, but you know what to do. Be strong. Hugs and peace for your hurting heart.
     
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We just called the police last night to have our 19 year old difficult child daughter removed. She has an alochol/drug addiction and was in rehab for 60 days and outpatient for 5 weeks. Relapsed immediately after leaving outpatient. When she got out of reb=hab we gave her conditions for living here, staying sober/straight, working the program, saving money to get her own place and pay for the car we took away from her two years ago for having alcohol in it. She broke all rules.

    We will not let her have the car because she is on our insurance and we are responsible financially. I called our state insurance board to find out if we could remove her from our policy and get her own and they said no, as long as she lives here we have to keep her on ours. She cannot get her own insurance until she has a permanent address of her own. She is considered a youthful driver in our household.

    It was a gut wrenching thing that we did last night. Neither husband or I got any sleep and we are sick about it. She stayed in a hotel last night but has no more money and we have no idea where she is or how she is eating. by the way we adopted her at birth and have a biological daughter five years older who is nothing like her, graduated form college, has a good job and would never put a drug in her body ever.

    I know what you are doing is difficult but you deserve to have a life without the disrespect of your son. He is now an adult and needs to learn what it's like to act that way. I asked our police if I needed to evict difficult child and they said not as long as she hasn't been paying rent. I know it's different in every state. Hopefully he will find a place of his own.

    Nancy
     
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I have also been where you are now. No question it is a gut wrenching heartbreaking place to be. We did not have to do the 30 days, I ended up going and talking to the police and arranging for them to show up and serve our son a no trespass order. We also had the situation where our son would obey none of our rules, none. What I came to realize is by letting him live here, blatantly disobeying our rules which were reasonable and simple, that we were sending a message that you can get along in life and not obey the rules. In fact that is not true.. Out in society if you disobey the rules eventually you end up in jail!! I wasn't doing my son any favors by letting him keep getting away with the stuff he was doing. Plus we knew that drugs was part of the problem. It was hard. He ended up staying with a friend most of the time, although did try camping in the woods. In any case he learned the hard way that continually breaking the rules does not work. After several arrests and several court dates for a lot of stupid petty stuff they revoked his bail and he went to jail. That was so heartbreaking for me. BUT two weeks in jail showed him that he really did not want to spend a lot of time in jail. It showed him that like nothing else could. At that point we did get him a lawyer because of the long term consequences of the charges..... and we worked with the lawyer, with the court and had some tough conversations with our son. He ended up pleaing and going out of state to drug rehab. He has been there almost 3 months and is doing really well..... and here at home we have all gotten some very much needed respite. I am not sure what is going to happen but I am very clear that we will not live like that again. So what he is doing to you is more than disrespect.... I think of disrespect as mouthing off... but he is breaking rules over and over again. That is showing a total disregard for you and your family and I agree you don't want to live like that, and you should not have to. So I hope you go ahead and give him the eviction notice.... and keep coming here for support. A lot of us on the parent emeritus board no exactly what you are going through.
     
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    You deserve respect in your home. You're not asking for the moon, you're simply asking him to behave like a responsible respectful adult. Your house, your rules. He is no longer a child, he needs to learn to be a man.

    Many of our kids have to learn the hard way in order to learn anything at all. It's the hardest part of parenting an adult child. Swooping in and rescuing them usually does far more harm than good, unlike when they were little kids. So we often find ourselves walking a tight wire of how much help is too much.......

    Your son blew his first chance, came back and blew the second chance. If he were my son, where he went would be his problem, time for him to figure it out for himself. He's not listening at this point anyway.

    Welcome to the board. (((hugs)))
     
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    The reason I asked, "what kind of disrespect?" is because often, we need to be specific in our definitions for our kids. "Disrespect" can be so subjective.

    In the absence of a clearly defined disorder, you could be looking at drug problems, or simply someone who is just plain angry and doesn't know how to deal with it. A sense of entitlement coupled with resentment would bring what you describe. You can't fix it by dictating to him because that is not what he respects. You need to command respect, not demand it. yes, you have a right to be respected in your own home (and for your possessions as well as those of others, to be respected in your own home). But he clearly doesn't get the message the way you are sending it.

    A book we recommend here a lot is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. OK, your son is no longer a child. These methods still work. I've used them on education departments, on shopkeepers, on all sorts of people. It's collaborative problem solving. Your son is an adult; you need to respect him, even while he is disrespecting you. Now, that does not mean you have to become a doormat - oh dearie me, no. But a classic (short) example - we had a fight with difficult child 3 last night. husband walked past a crowded table and something fell off. He said as he passed, "difficult child 3, please pick that up for me. It only fell down because of your stuff there."
    OK, two things wring with that - difficult child 3 didn't see anything drop, and he thought it was a general instruction to tidy up bis stuff - too general an instruction. Next thing wrong - difficult child 3 was totally absorbed in something else and simply did not hear his father.
    Next - I walked out, stepped on the object and broke it. It was husband's iPod charger. So who was in the wrong?
    If we focus on guilt and blame, we can lay blame in all directions. However, I then got angry with difficult child 3 for not seeing something on the floor and picking it up. Now, I should have known better - difficult child 3 really doesn't notice. If he had picked it up, it would have been a red letter day, worthy of announcement to the skies. So by chiding difficult child 3, I started a fight form which there could be no positive outcome. Nothing learned, nothing changed. But now difficult child 3 was angry and feeling picked on, because he hadn't knocked the thing down and he hadn't stepped on it.
    The way I spoke to difficult child 3 - it was disrespectful. But I was angry. I could have handled it better. But we do this often as parents. Also, difficult child 3 is 16, your son is older.
    However, while difficult child 3 was shouting at us, we WERE able to say to him, "We are not shouting at you. Please do not shout at us."
    difficult child 3 went on to say, "I'm only shouting at you because you shouted at me first."
    Now, I currently have laryngitis - shouting is a physical impossibility! It was a matter of difficult child 3's perceptions - although really, it wasn't fair of me to chide him, his conscience was screaming loudly at him and that was what he was responding to. As I pointed out that I could not have shouted, he got a sheepish grin and realised I was right.

    You model the behaviour you want from your child (or the person in question).

    That said - there is a lot that he your son doing that would be a dealbreaker in most homes. You have two options - kick him out (ie remove the offender) or lock up your belongings (secure them form the offender). Both methods are barrier methods - putting a barrier between the offender and what he is damaging/stealing. It's much the same as putting up a childproof gate at the top of the stairs when you have as toddler learning to walk. You can't trust the toddler to not fall and be injured, so you put up a barrier. When the kid is 10 years old, you don't expect to need the barrier.

    Sometimes we need strategies in place even when "at their age" we don't expect we should. And sometimes we have a child who is wayward despite all our efforts.

    Something that is screaming at me about this right now - he is adopted. There has been some discussion on this in General, other parents have been having similar problems with an adopted child kicking over the traces and a few parent members have posted their own adoption experiences. Have a look, it might give you some perspective.

    You understandably love your son, but probably don't like him much right now. You are right to try to make him accountable - this is what being an adult is about. But you need to be very clear and concrete in your explanation, as well as completely consistent. The car - I would have got it out of impound and then sold it to pay for the fees. Any time you haver an agreement with him, put it in writing and you both sign it. The car - it should have been in writing. OK, 20:20 hindsight. But be clear, be specific, be concrete and keep your cool. Stay quiet and calm even if he is shrieking at you - there should only be one person behaving badly, and that is him. It is not weakness to stay quiet and calm, it is the ultimate in strength. It also give you the most powerful position in the argument - "I do not need to shout. What I have to say is so important, the words alone are strong enough. If you choose to not hear then I will put it in writing. But these are the rules - everybody who lives under this roof complies with the same rules."

    Stick around here, get your wife to lurk here or post here too. It really helped me and husband get on the same page far more effectively 9and we thought we already were as effective a team as possible - we upped the ante!)

    Marg
     
  12. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    I can only add that you're doing the right thing, my oldest son (19) has been out for almost 6 months now, he came back briefly but was out again within 2 weeks time. It may take these kids a long time to get it, but the less we support their bad behavior and habits, the better off they'll be. Hang in there....I am told it gets easier.
     
  13. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Hi, I too have been where you are, except I never got to the eviction stage. My son(19 now) was in and out of group homes since age 12 and when he turned 18, I decided to give him a chance, as he was not an adult other than legally. Wouldn't do anything!!!! No work, no school, hang out with friends all day. That was bad enough, but the text messages and intense phone calls(over 50 in one day) was the last straw for me. I had to get a restraining order(February 2010). The disrespect was domesctic violence, nothing physical, but not acceptable. He was out of control and the text messages got me the RO. He would not leave me alone, text after text after text, it was not normal. I had given him an opportuinty to get help, but wouldn't do it. Was with friends, but kicked out in September, homeless, picked up by police,said he would kill himself, so hospitilized for 3 days, in shelter for a week, hated it and then homeless again. My oldest son(25) took him in because no one else could. Still no treatment, and giving him somewhat of what he gave me, but no DV. Got a seasonal job, license and car but I'm not sure he is paying my oldest son much money. Still threatens to pack up and be homelss(and things are ok), so that is the untreatred bi-polar talking.
    Anyway, I am devastated and I have no answers as to how to get through it. He is my youngest child and I love him, but you can not be mistreated and it WILL NOT STOP unless you do something drastic. No one deserves to be abused, in any form, so you must give him the noitce and see what happens. If he gets violent, then call police. I am depressed a lot but in therapy and might ask him if he wants to join me this month. The holidays were hard but I do not regret my decision. Still, I am sick over it and can not really live my life like I should. It is so sad but this is what I have been dealt, so I must deal with it.
    Good luck and remember, you can not be abused, you don't deserve it.
     
  14. clive

    clive Clive

    So many wise words of advice here. I think maybe I don't post very often about my particular situation because, all I have to do is look on here and I will find someone who is going through pretty much the same things, at any given time! Like "Conflicted" I have a 19 year old, in my case a daughter, with many of the same issues. We've kicked her out, let her back in, several times, had her in many different counseling/therapy scenarios, and I think maybe things are gradually improving. But they still backslide sometimes. Sometimes it's a bit of a balancing act, you try methods that you've been advised to use, or that make sense, and they don't always work, so you try another approach.

    Hopefully some sense will be knocked into your son's head – figuratively that is, not literally (well not too literally), and he will realize the value of having a family that loves him and care about his welfare.
     
  15. Bean

    Bean Member

    Hello and welcome to the forum.

    Your "short version" says it all. At least to me, and probably to a group like this.

    I have a 19yo daughter. Kicked her out. She was caught stealing money from me. That, on top of all of the other things (disrespect, inability to follow house rules, using, etc.) - she was out. Period. I caught her, told her to give me back whatever she had, and she was out. I can still see her walking down the street with her purse and cellphone. I can still hear the phone calls, What am I going to do? I hate you!!! I'm going to kill myself. This is a bunch of ****. -- I can hear it all. That was this summer. She has not been invited back to live here.

    It was really tough. When I saw her, she didn't look well. When I talked to her, I knew she was using. But when she was with us, she was using, stealing and worst of all - destroying the stability of the house (I have 4 other children, not to mention a marriage that I'd like to stay in).

    Don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself. Support your child when they are doing healthy things. Just because they don't live there doesn't mean that they can't come for dinner, or a visit, but as an adult, they should be towing the line, being a productive member of the house - or out on their own, making their own rules.

    Best wishes.
     
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