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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 656084" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I think this is what I mean when I post about bargaining. We fall through all the levels, all the layers of it. One day we awaken to ourselves again. We realize how alone we have been, shutting out so many things and choosing suffering instead. In a way, we are (I am) throwing a little temper tantrum instead of accepting what is.</p><p></p><p>Lost.</p><p></p><p>What is lost.</p><p></p><p>There is a certain amount of anger in that, for me. (I meant eyeless rage. Ahem.) But beneath that is the hurt. And beneath that is...me. I am still here.</p><p></p><p>Well, how do you like that.</p><p></p><p>Only now, I am not ashamed that I don't have a mother or a sister. I still have a little numb about where my kids have taken their lives, and a little hard breathing place at the heart of it. Okay, so that was a lie. I know better than to feel shame over these true things now, or to allow myself to go spinning off into that place I cannot stand up from over what has happened to my family.</p><p></p><p>A choice for me, then.</p><p></p><p>I would so much rather have been able to show off and be successful.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am considering this at some length. I mean, I know the answer is me. I am still stuck on "kinder". Maybe listening to KFCD without strict attention to detail is not how to do this.</p><p></p><p>I love the way things unfold for us, here on the site.</p><p></p><p>I need to pay attention.</p><p></p><p>"<em>my care, kindness, and devotion...and respect"</em></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think there is a time for us to do that. A time when the loss is fresh. It is a marker for us, as we go through it, to admit there has been a loss.</p><p></p><p>To face that is a big step.</p><p></p><p>We want to rush through it, to get through it, to not be the person with that loss as part of who she is. One day, there is compassion for ourselves. That is when we realize how often we hate or are ashamed of or desert ourselves in other ways. It took me such a long time to question whether it was appropriate to desert myself like that. It took longer still to realize those feelings were the punished feelings from when I was little. Broken is when it would stop. Or broken is when I would stop knowing about whatever came next. But if my abuser was wrong to do what happened in the first place, if it was wrong to treat me that way to start with, then treating myself that way now had no validity.</p><p></p><p>That was huge.</p><p></p><p>That was where "kinder" to myself came in.</p><p></p><p>In my life, I have been fanatic about kindness, about not hurting others and etc. Who knew how twisted that was, how it twisted around those initial hurtings.</p><p></p><p>And then, we get very honest. We become curious about our <em>selves.</em> About who <em>we </em>are. It feels like coming home.</p><p></p><p>We can (I can, anyway) only get there through going naked. No defenses. That is a very hard thing. Our defenses are so automatic we feel out of balance without them. But if we just sit with those times, just see, we survive them. Soon, we become hungry for that feeling, for that level of real.</p><p></p><p>Real is not something I was allowed. That is what is meant by breaking someone's spirit. Only the abuser's reality matters. Certainly, it matters more than the reality of the abused.</p><p></p><p>But so far I have not seen a time when I automatically do not defend, with humor or with mind chatter, or with those negative messages that play on KFCD. (It's a matter of degree ~ there is laughter, there is making sense of the situation...and there is performing, shielding, creating the experience instead of being present to ourselves within it.)</p><p></p><p>I think that is what acceptance is. I think that is what I am coming in to: Being present to myself within whatever it is that is happening.</p><p></p><p>I don't know what I mean by that.</p><p></p><p>I am not there yet.</p><p></p><p>But I am going there.</p><p></p><p>Like Nahn Tat ??? (the Vietnamese monk) said, when asked about anger and shame and the negatives we all are coping with: "It is a practice."</p><p></p><p>How we will create ourselves is a practice. We learn to cherish ourselves enough to be patient with our failings, to be gentle with ourselves when we succeed in something, instead of being greedy for more of that "famous" feeling.</p><p></p><p>Maybe that is what it means, to have an internal locus of control.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I do that, Copa. When new layers are breaking open, I only want soft, honest, clean, cotton clothing on me. Simple things. Denim; lots of white.</p><p></p><p>Bare feet.</p><p></p><p>But I am such a hussy with brightly polished toe nails. Echo, are you reading along?</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 656084, member: 17461"] I think this is what I mean when I post about bargaining. We fall through all the levels, all the layers of it. One day we awaken to ourselves again. We realize how alone we have been, shutting out so many things and choosing suffering instead. In a way, we are (I am) throwing a little temper tantrum instead of accepting what is. Lost. What is lost. There is a certain amount of anger in that, for me. (I meant eyeless rage. Ahem.) But beneath that is the hurt. And beneath that is...me. I am still here. Well, how do you like that. Only now, I am not ashamed that I don't have a mother or a sister. I still have a little numb about where my kids have taken their lives, and a little hard breathing place at the heart of it. Okay, so that was a lie. I know better than to feel shame over these true things now, or to allow myself to go spinning off into that place I cannot stand up from over what has happened to my family. A choice for me, then. I would so much rather have been able to show off and be successful. I am considering this at some length. I mean, I know the answer is me. I am still stuck on "kinder". Maybe listening to KFCD without strict attention to detail is not how to do this. I love the way things unfold for us, here on the site. I need to pay attention. "[I]my care, kindness, and devotion...and respect"[/I] I think there is a time for us to do that. A time when the loss is fresh. It is a marker for us, as we go through it, to admit there has been a loss. To face that is a big step. We want to rush through it, to get through it, to not be the person with that loss as part of who she is. One day, there is compassion for ourselves. That is when we realize how often we hate or are ashamed of or desert ourselves in other ways. It took me such a long time to question whether it was appropriate to desert myself like that. It took longer still to realize those feelings were the punished feelings from when I was little. Broken is when it would stop. Or broken is when I would stop knowing about whatever came next. But if my abuser was wrong to do what happened in the first place, if it was wrong to treat me that way to start with, then treating myself that way now had no validity. That was huge. That was where "kinder" to myself came in. In my life, I have been fanatic about kindness, about not hurting others and etc. Who knew how twisted that was, how it twisted around those initial hurtings. And then, we get very honest. We become curious about our [I]selves.[/I] About who [I]we [/I]are. It feels like coming home. We can (I can, anyway) only get there through going naked. No defenses. That is a very hard thing. Our defenses are so automatic we feel out of balance without them. But if we just sit with those times, just see, we survive them. Soon, we become hungry for that feeling, for that level of real. Real is not something I was allowed. That is what is meant by breaking someone's spirit. Only the abuser's reality matters. Certainly, it matters more than the reality of the abused. But so far I have not seen a time when I automatically do not defend, with humor or with mind chatter, or with those negative messages that play on KFCD. (It's a matter of degree ~ there is laughter, there is making sense of the situation...and there is performing, shielding, creating the experience instead of being present to ourselves within it.) I think that is what acceptance is. I think that is what I am coming in to: Being present to myself within whatever it is that is happening. I don't know what I mean by that. I am not there yet. But I am going there. Like Nahn Tat ??? (the Vietnamese monk) said, when asked about anger and shame and the negatives we all are coping with: "It is a practice." How we will create ourselves is a practice. We learn to cherish ourselves enough to be patient with our failings, to be gentle with ourselves when we succeed in something, instead of being greedy for more of that "famous" feeling. Maybe that is what it means, to have an internal locus of control. Cedar I do that, Copa. When new layers are breaking open, I only want soft, honest, clean, cotton clothing on me. Simple things. Denim; lots of white. Bare feet. But I am such a hussy with brightly polished toe nails. Echo, are you reading along? :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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