High drama, but no drug use. Still hard...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Feb 12, 2008.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, my daughter has been calling me lately sobbing about her boyfriend. He's a nice young man, nothing super-special, but at least he's a homebody, has a job, and doesn't do drugs or drink much. Lately he has told my daughter that he wants to be free. However, he still wants them to hang around and be great friends. Daughter is distraught as she loves him very much. Now I wouldn't really care--breakups happen all the time and young people get over it--however, daughter is highly emotional and very upset. I had to talk to her for two hours yesterday to calm her down and to encourage her to change her life a little bit (she said the normal difficult child "I hate my life.") I told her she couldn't control boyfriend, but she could control herself, and that maybe one little thing at a time would make her feel better about herself, like going to dinner with other friends, male and female, instead of hanging with this guy all the time. I was so exhausted when I got off the phone. Talking her down is not easy, but she was listening.
    The good part about the phone call is I'm sure she hasn't started using drugs again. She mentioned not wanting to go to parties because of the drugs and drinking and "I'm just not that person anymore." And she admitted she has trouble meeting people sober because she's shy. She is lonely. I asked her to come stay with us in Wisconsin, but she feels obligated to work at the candy store she manages until at least after Easter, then we'll see.
    It was hard to watch her destroy herself with drugs. It's almost just as hard to see how difficult it is for her to make friends and find that elusive self-esteem without drugs. And I'm furious at her boyfriend for "playing" her. Yes, she's old enough to tell him she doesn't want to see him again, but she DOES. I wish he'd cut her off completely and let her heal instead of saying, "I'm not sure if we're in a relationship or if we're just friends." That makes my daughter nuts. :greedy: These kids don't necessarily stop struggling just because they quit drugs. Daughter is so shy it's hard for her to reach out for counseling or group, but I've been talking to her about it a lot while she listens.
    I guess this is just a vent. It was so hard to listen to my daughter, who has tried so hard to be a good, responsible person, still struggling with the very issues that got her starting drugs in the first place. My mommy heart hurts for her. At least she'll talk to me!!! Thanks for being here, friends.
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    My heart just breaks for her. And for you; I know this is hurtful for you to watch.

    Lots of times guys (and gals) think they are doing the "dumpee" a favor by staying friends, as though they could not live a day without them in their life. Phooey. And if your daughter was on top of her game, she'd have told him to go fly a kite. But she is fragile so that is hard for her to do.

    She needs to meet some sober people. Whether she gets out to a meeting or to a counselor, she has got to get out of her rut.

    She will be my prayer for the addict who still suffers this week. many hugs.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, he's both acting like they're still together, and telling her they aren't, driving her nuts. My daughter has been with him for five years now and they are very close. This is killing her. I wish she could tell him to jump in the lake, but she can't. Or won't. She's very pretty and men hit on her all the time, but she wants to only be with him--I've been encouraging her to widen her horizons.
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{MWM}} Sending lots and lots of hugs filled with strength to you (and exgfg).

    No one can make her give him up except her in her own sweet time, we all know that. But I think it's great that she calls you and you're able to be there for her.

    I hate ex's who say "we can still be friends and hang out and with the same people and stuff" because we all know that is often more painful that just being kicked to the curb. I would be angry at the boyfriend for playing head games with her, not so much dumping her, Know what I mean??

    Anyway, I will keep your sweet daughter in my prayers this week that she lean on those who genuinely care for her and garner the strength to kick HIM to the curb!!
  5. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    MWM, your daughter is in my prayers as well. This is such a hard situation.
    There was a book that came out several years ago called He's Just Not That Into You (or something like that), which seems to describe this pattern.

    The guy has itchy feet, but doesn't want to move on until he's found a definite someone else, so he strings the girl along. Not because he means to hurt her, but just because he is focused on himself and his needs, and not hers.

    I agree that your daughter would be better off to walk away at this point. And, that might help raise her self esteem. BUT it's one of the hardest things to do, especially with 5 years under her belt.

    {{{{{Hugs}}}}} to you, and to your daughter. Hope you both weather the storm unscathed.

  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    At least your daughter has her wise mother to talk things over with, that's something. Actually, that's alot. She's a lucky girl that way.

    I have a personal theory that drug/alcohol abuse stunts a person's emotional growth. easy child has some catching up to do. There are gonna be snags and bumps, maybe a few mountains to climb. But I think she'll get there. Most especially with a warrior Mom like you in her corner.

    It's that inbetween stage that's hard to watch.