his ex is off the charts

[Jena]

lol ok your response made me laugh, yet with-me it's a bit more. Yes most def it should be, yet with-me i have a real issue in certain areas, i dont' want to redirect this post into the other realm lol. Let's just say that I too can be quite the handful at times.

so, what do u think about the other stuff? and yea there's alot to be said for "and how does that make you feel" that the T's should be spouting out!

 

[Andy]

I like the one Saturday a month as family day. That is going to help with so many areas. Just don't make it all about you! (ducking and going to corner - just kidding - I know you will put the kids first.).

(still giggling)

 

[Steely]

What are your other options for the well being of the kids?
Call CPS?
husband take the kids?
or...........????
Just be sure to run through all your options before you make a decision this gigantic. It would be life changing for every single person involved.

On another note, I am pretty sure husband taking the kids would make ex even more prevalent in your life. She would be calling every 5 minutes to check on the kids, or tell husband how to do something in regards to the kids, etc.

I am sending wisdom your way............
Sorry this is all so stressful for you.

 

[Hound dog]

Think long and hard before taking those kids on, what it will demand of you and boyfriend and of your relationship, financially, physically, mentally, and emotionall. You're right, that sort of step is HUGE. I'm not saying you guys shouldn't do it. I'm saying think it thru and don't make a rash decision just because of wanting to protect the kids. If you do this, you and boyfriend want to make certain you can make it work without becoming a nitemare for all of you and it ripping your relationship to shreds. Make firm ground rules, make plans for all situations you can think of beforehand so you're not caught off guard should such situations arise.

Hugs

 

[ML]

I agree with DL. Make sure this is what *you* want, Jena. One thing I've learned over the years with blended families is that you truly do lose that opportunity of being number 1. As the kids grow older the priorities shift and you could possibly get that spot eventually, just not with young kids involved. *You* have to put you first. No one else will. *You* have to put your kids and yourself first. Taking on these kids will make this very hard. I'm not sure it will be good for your kids. On the other hand, you deserve to be happy and unless you're happy and teach them by example they won't learn how take care of themselves either. I do know that you're a strong young lady and that you can do anything you set your mind to. Just make sure it's what *you* truly want. Don't put his kids before yourself or before your kids either. ML

 

[jbrain]

Oh, Jena,
please do think this out carefully. Your said your dtr was cringing at the thought of his dtr being there all the time. Please put your own children's welfare 1st--please do what is right for them, you are their mom and must look out for them. My younger dtr has been damaged by living with her older sister who is a difficult child--I just can't imagine what she would have done with a difficult child we brought into the house.

Take care,
Jane

 

[Jena]

thanks guys so very much for taking such time and thought to respond to this crazy and unexpected situation.

That was my first thought was his ex calling constantly i told him i cannot and will not survive under that type of unnecessary drama. that is the reason we would take the kids to lessen the drama. i said there should be set times they can call their mom. he's kinda stuck on they can call when they want. yet he does agree that she cannot call everyday she'll have set days to call.

she'd have to take them every other weekend when my difficult child goes with-her dad and easy child would stay home with-me to get some her and me time. i would want his ex to also take her kids the other weekends on a sat night adn return them sunday night to give me and mine time alone.

there would have to be a set routine in place, kids would have to be told what that routine is and consequences if the routine is not adhered to. charts, charts and more charts. the only thing that makes me nervous is his older one.

she has been known to be quite difficult to handle. she thinks it would be a party here and it would not i run a tight ship during the week. i told her you think it would be all fun and games yet it would not. we have a routine and we stick to the routine. it is alot because if she got violent in anyway with me cops would be called and boyfriend would have to understand that i would not tolerate any type of aggression in my home.

it's so hard to understand what happens on their end. i've seen her kick up here and boyfriend doesn't always handle her well either in my own opinion that is. i'm not saying i'm perfect far far from it. yet at the end of the day i wouldn't tolerate any carp from her. that means stealing, physical or verbal aggresion, etc.

what else can we do at this point to protect them? hmmm boyfriend said last night during our first beer that he hada long talk with-her and told her she has to change. i said you and i both know that will not happen. she has had years of being verbally abusive to them and you and a few times physically abusive to them yet flying right under the radar.

my first and foremost concern is always the girls, mine that is. i know my daughter would have a very hard time with it yet i told him she'd have to have her own room bottom line. i think difficult child would be ok only because she mostly looks forward to them coming yet as of late hasnt' been too happy about their arrival simply because she is very vigilant about our new home and she hates it when their rough on things and rip things apart or damage anything. she is protective of her home.

i'm not saying i'm going to do it. i'm going to talk to my kids when i think this is more of a realistic thing that will happen and see how they feel. yet truth is if it came down to my girls really not wanting it him and i would have to split. i coudlnt' force it down their throats and i couldnt' tell him not to take custody of his kids due to mine not wanting them.

ooh so complicated. why can't his ex just be an ok mom? why oh why?i really got in over my head with this entire deal.

 

[Hound dog]

(((hugs)))

ooh so complicated. why can't his ex just be an ok mom? why oh why?i really got in over my head with this entire deal.

You very well may have. But it most certainly won't be because you didn't give it one heck of a try.

I'm so sorry you're having to go thru so much.

 

[Steely]

Out of the bias of my own heart........I encourage you not to do this.
You are taking on being these kids new mom, when you are not sure boyfriend is even going to remain in your life.
I do not think this is a good choice for you or your kids - and you and your kids have to remain number one in all of this.
Sorry, I just felt compelled to say what I feel.
Hugs.

 

[donna723]

I agree with Steely, you'd be getting yourself into a real sticky situation here. None of my business, but are you and the boyfriend planning to marry at some point? At least that way, you'd officially be a stepmom. Steely's right - you would become the mother figure for these children and they would become dependent on you for all those things that a child looks to a mother for. And somehow, being their "fathers girl friend" doesn't sound very permanent, even if you have a wonderful relationship.

If he were to go to court to try to get custody of his children, the court might see it that way too. He wants custody of the kids but he works all the time so his "girlfriend" will be doing most of the actual parenting! Not that I don't think that you could do it, and not that I don't think you could be a wonderful, loving influence on these kids, I'm just playing devils advocate here. But it's something to think about.

 

[Jena]

Steely i always appreciate your candor, you know that with-me blunt is best. I do see your point. Him and I aren't on great ground. obviously i'd ofcourse be with him and we'd take this on together. i have a few valid concerns as i stated. Donna - he wouldn't go to the courts, he'd simply talk to his ex and see if she'd just give them to him than he'd go to the mediator to have her change the decree. Marriage, i don't know i'm still afraid to. i know sounds crazy i can take his kids on yet not marry him. hmm yup i have issues lol. yet alot of ppl chose to live together and not marry.

 

[donna723]

I have nothing against unmarried couples living together. I just mean that if you and their father are not on really solid ground as far as your relationship goes, it would be very damaging to these kids for you to become their mother-figure and them to become dependent on you and then something happens and you and their dad end up going your seperate ways.