His sense of entitlement has GOT to go..VENT LONG

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mstang67chic, Sep 8, 2007.

  1. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    OMG, I am sooooooooooo sick and tired of being sick and tired of difficult child's immense sense of entitlement. If he's not mad because we refuse to buy him something he wants (always something that he doesn't need. And as a side note, we quit buying things he doesn't leagally need because he destroys EVERYTHING) then he's mad because something didn't go his way. And guess whose fault it is every single time. Dear old mom. Just as it's always my fault when he's told no about anything, even when it's husband telling him no. Usually because husband, in his infinite wisdom, always forgets our previous conversations and once again puts the phrase "Mom thinks" or "Mom decided" into his refusals for whatever it is difficult child wants to do. Not that husband does it intentionally and not that he did it tonight, it just doesn't help my authority in the house. Oh....wait.......did I say MY authority? :rofl: I have NO authority with difficult child. Absolutely none.

    Tonight he started in on husband as soon as he (husband) walked through the door after work. I didn't hear what was being said but of course caught the snotty HER and SHE's being thrown about. The problem? I didn't take him to get his hair cut today. The same hair, mind you that literally has been every other day.....yes I want it cut, no, I like it where it's at. Every day for the past two weeks! When he brought it up to me today he moaned about how he has to nag me on the weekends about it because I'm never home during the week to get it done. Oh I'm sooooo sorry I'm working two jobs now. Of course that just produced more moaning and groaning. And of course, before I got the second job, it was moaning and groaning because we never have the money to do anything (i.e. things that HE wants to do because ya'll know it's all about him) I've had this job for all of 3 weeks. We have bills to catch up on, things that need paid, all of that before we start showing the benefits of extra money. But I'm sure when we do, we will be expected to do/buy/pay for things he wants and to heck with anyone else. God forbid husband or I actually buy ourselves decent clothes that we are both in need of. If we have extra money, he has a list of things that he NEEDS. I'm sorry but this child has destroyed almost everything he owns and I am DONE buying him anything we don't have to legally provide. DONE. He's currently sleeping on a mattress that was on the floor till he drug tires (TIRES!!!!) into his room to use as a bed frame. I have no idea where the bed frame to his bed is. The box springs were taken to the back yard last year and literally torn apart. The mattress is also slit from end to end on BOTH sides because he decided he wanted a couch in his room and tried to make one out of his mattress. Then he had the kahonas to tell us that he needed another bed. (This, by the way, was the SECOND bed he's completely destroyed). He complains because his door is hanging by one hinge. Am I fixing it (again)? No. He did it to begin with. He complains because his dresser is falling apart. Do I care? No. He was the one who did it. His clothes have bleach stains all over them. Am I buying him new ones? Nope. He's the one who poured regular bleach in his laundry. New shoes? Not after you cut them up. New jeans? No for the same reason. Clothes stink? Wash them. He stinks? Take a freaking shower.

    GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I'm just sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sick of his mouth, his attitude, his disrespect........basically everything. husband works retail hours for people who have absolutely no clue about how to schedule their staff so is usually working most of the time. So, as it has been for most of the 8 years that we've had difficult child, it's more me dealing with difficult child than husband. Again, not husband's fault but doesn't help my mood any.

    Our team, good people that they are, basically are no help. We all just repeat the same things over and over to difficult child and know it's all up to him at this point. We have all done everything we can to get through to him. I've had it. I spend the majority of my time at home in my room which of course causes rants about how SHE never does anything around here and always locks herself in her room. That would be because the few times I try to venture out into the rest of MY house, I either get run out of the room or treated like complete crap. When I do come out and do things around the house I'm constantly told how I'm doing it wrong. HA! This coming from the bright mind that used full strength CLR to clean his shoes and wound up burning a hole in my bath mat. I cook, he doesn't like it. I don't care anymore. Eat, don't eat. I don't give a rat's butt. At this point I do what I legally have to do. If there happens to be a (literally) nice minute or two of words from him, fine. I don't even care about that anymore. 99.8% of the time he treats me like poo and then "gets his feelings hurt" when he tries to tell me something "good" and I don't do cartwheels for him. I just don't care. I'm done and basically just counting down the days till he either turns 18 (March) or FINALLY gets his little backside through school (Jan. 2009)

    I expected to have a difficult time when we decided to adopt out of the foster system. No way of course, to know exactly how until we did it, but I knew it wouldn't be all smiles and roses. Did I think it would turn into such disrespect in my own home for years on end? NOT. AT. ALL.
     
  2. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Let me tell you just how much I understand this - kt & wm have this same sense of entitlement.

    Our classic response to "I need....." something that is going to cost an arm & a leg; something that the tweedles insist they cannot live without; something that if I don't immediately go out & purchase I'm in for a minimum 2 hour meltdown is "need or want". I then point out what is needed in our home versus the latest gameboy game or leopard skin shoes.

    And it makes about as much impact on kt & wm as your response to your difficult child.

    I'm sorry that you've had to deal with such little respect from your own son. It gets tiring.

    Here's to a calmer, quieter day tomorrow!
     
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I hear you. Luckily, we're starting to see the light at the age of 10, having adopted at birth. Sigh.
    I know what you mean by buying him only what you have to, because he destroys everything.
    We had to completely empty our difficult child's bedroom, incl. curtains and clothes, and make him earn them back one by one. He's got a bookcase, mattress, dresser, a light, school clothes, and some books.
    He had two alarm clocks but broke both of them last wk in the first tantrum he had in a long time.

    When our difficult child complained about food, we sent him to his room with-no food for the day, and then because we knew he'd melt down when his blood sugar dropped, I brought him a bowl of steamed white rice, a small glass of water, and two soda crackers for dinner. He said, "This is the best dinner I've ever had."
    It would have been funny if I hadn't still been so mad.

    If he's rude in the car, I've gotten out of line at fast food places and have been honked at, but have to prove to difficult child that if he's snotty, he will not get anything. Sometimes I go to Starbucks or McDonald's and get myself something and deliberately do not order for him. He will melt down, but since I'm actually setting it up, it's not that bad. If he's in a crummy mood and kicking the seats and throwing things, I pull over and get out of the car. (His friends encourage him to stop whatever he's doing but he doesn't get it, or if he does, it take up to 20 min., when the rest of his friends are using fantastic peef pressure to hasten the process.) The point is that I am in control and if he chooses to rant and rave and whine, that's entirely up to him, but it doesn't get him what he wants, and will also take away things he already has.

    Our child psychiatric told me many yrs ago to take trial runs to the grocery storer and PO with-difficult child to force him to learn to transition and learn that he's not in charge. It really worked!

    At one point, I had to list the things that difficult child was saying to me, incl. the expression on his face, and read it to him to make him understand what was going on. Then ea time he said it, I gave him one chance. After that, I lowered the boom.

    Tonight he was sneaking into my purse again to steal my cell phone. He's been taking it upstairs at night and playing with-it under the sheets. I couldn't undestand the fascination with-i, and why he had to lie.

    husband suggested that I delete all the games. Games? What games? Whoah. I searched that puppy and found two pp of games that connected online! Yikes!
    The really bad part is that when I caught difficult child red handed, he yelled at me! Amazing how they try to twist things around.

    He got sent straight to bed and he's on level one tomorrow.

    I don't know what you do in reg. to taking away privileges. Does he have a car? Girlfriend? Phone? Subscriptions svcs? I'd be thinking about natural consequences. Espcecially in reg to his attitude toward you.
    I put difficult child in "silent time out" in the car if he's badmouthing me. It took a few wks. of silence but I kind of liked it! Finally, he came around, and has learned to say constructive things about what happend in school, and about once a wk, actually asks me how my day went.

    Good luck! I know how hard it is. It can really get you down.
     
  4. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I get this more often from my PCs than my difficult children. The sense of entitlement and that they don't get all they "need" when what they truly mean is what they "want". My youngest difficult child feels this way, but has yet to really verbalize it, he shows it more in anger. I think his teen years will be extremely difficult. He too destroys everything we own and he owns, so I'm sure I will get to the point you're at some day. Right now my difficult children share a room and it is down to dressers and beds. I had too many problems with them stealing and destroying, so we took everything out of their room. No toys, no books, nothing to write with especially (because artwork was always on the walls) and so on.

    I'm sorry it's so hard right now!
     
  5. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I hear ya. It gets old fast.

    easy child does the same thing to me about work and difficult child does it about "needing" stuff. Every single day she's asking for something else. Then she'll make a deal...she really wants this so she'll get it instead of that. Then she forgets that she makes that deal and accuses me of lying to her...saying that I would get her something and I didn't get it.

    It makes me want to hide, too.
     
  6. weaselqt

    weaselqt New Member

    I totally understand! My difficult child is doing the same stuff to us right now! He is 15 and expects to get EVERYTHING he wants. I think he has a hidden notebook of everything my daughter has received and at what age because he will say "I am getting such and such for Christmas this year because my sister got it when she was my age." I am getting such and such for my 16th birthday because my sister got such and such when she turned 16. He is only 15, birthday in March, and already telling us what kind of vehicle he wants for his 17th birthday because his siter got one for her 17th birthday! ARGH!! She got LUCKY because we were able to trade in an old truck to get her car - a Ford Escort. Oh yeah, He CANNOT get anything other than a truck because he is too tall to fit into any little car!

    I feel like giving up at times too. It doesn't help us when the counselor tells him to think of his own consequences and rewards for certain things he does, etc. and he IMMEDIATELY says he will want a cell phone this month. He doesn't NEED a cell phone. His sister got her cell phone AFTER she got her job - she got her car for her birthday - but we told her she will get to drive it when she has a job to pay for insurance and gas. I really can't see where difficult child will be able to get or KEEP a job - let alone drive a car!!

    I'm sendng hugs - and letting you know I am there with you!

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}
     
  7. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    That's just it. He doesn't really have much in his room, no cell phone, no girlfriend and he never goes anywhere even games or dances at school. What do you do to someone who doesn't really have or do anything?
     
  8. guest3

    guest3 Guest

    "entitlement" a new word to add to difficult child II's list.

    difficult child II is always warned b4 we enter a store that I am not buying him anything, the n we get in there, and surpirse, he wants something. We actually are going to the mall with the in home therapist this month, so she can witness this behavior 1st hand.

    difficult child II has beamed innocent bystanders in the head with Gameboy games and shoved shopping carts into my ankles on more then one occassion.

    It should be interesting (the mall trip)
     
  9. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    OH I jsut understand that so much. Funny how that can work. And I don't mean the kind of funny to make you laugh. We have hashed and rehashed the difference between what is a want and a need. In one ear out the other.

    I truly love it when they start out with the I know you won't get it for me but I need (fill in the blank). Well you got it with that kind of a request. So many others.

    Beth
     
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    When my difficult child was 2 years old, she announced at the grocery store that she "needed" chocolate ice cream.

    Twenty years later and she still has a hard time differentiating between needs and wants. :hammer:

    She's finally figuring it out now that she has to pay her own rent and bills.

    ~Kathy
     
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Mstang, we thought that, too, but finally figured out that it was video games, baseball and football, and the trading cards that go with-them. It took us many months. Just keep trying things. The thing that makes him go ballistic will be the main trigger. It will also help you keep your sanity, because while he's railing, you'll be thinking, "Yaaay! We found his trigger!"
     
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    If you need a consequence, maybe TAKING him to the dance or game or whatever? Telling him ahead that if he does X he has to go to Y with you? Won't be fun, but might work. It worked for my difficult child. If you won't do X, you and I will go to the dance TOGETHER> He hated danaces, so did ANYTHING to avoid going!!!!

    But it sounds like you are at the point that he can veg in his room until his birthday. Can't say that is a bad thing either.

    Hugs,

    Susie
     
  13. wethreepeeps

    wethreepeeps New Member

    Sigh. difficult child is the same way. He wants *everything* easy child gets, even though she is really technologically proficient and I trust her with electronics you wouldn't give just any ten year old. He ruined christmas this past year; he got everything he asked for, but had a tantrum because she got a DS and he didn't. This is the same boy who throws his gameboy on the floor when he loses at a game, leaves it outside overnight, etc etc.

    She has a degenerative genetic disorder, and he resents all the things she gets that she'd give anything to not need. He whines that she gets to ride in a wheelchair and he has to walk everywhere. He has to eat my "nasty" food and she just gets to drink ensure. He sneaks her ensures constantly.

    he's on his third bed, and will not get another one. two he ruined by urinating on them, and the frame for this one he stripped the screws out by bouncing and rocking on it. So now he's on just a mattress. he can't have a dresser or nighstand because he steals from around the house and hides things in the drawers. His toys go in a rubbermaid tub that I take away each night so he doesn't get out of bed and play in the middle of the night, then refuses to get up in the morning for school.
     
  14. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Vent away!!! I totally understand!!! My difficult children are the same way!!! :grrr: :grrr: :grrr:!!!

    I'm with you - When my difficult children destroy things, that's it - I don't replace them. Although, I've been known on occasion to replace a destroyed item (something that is really needed like a pair of shoes) and wrap it as part of a birthday or Christmas gift... Although this isn't really good advice as my difficult children NEVER seem to learn from their mistakes :hammer: Their skulls are super THICK :grrr:!!!

    difficult child 1 took a major "TANTRUM" when it was time to shop for new clothes for school. So, as a result, he is wearing worn out things that are almost too small. Too bad... He'll survive...

    I'm counting down the days with you!!! Believe it or not, I know we'll get to celebrate eventually... WFEN
     
  15. Kathie In NY

    Kathie In NY Member

    Your difficult child and mine would be a perfect match.She is hounding us for a car.Nevermind she quit her job and has depleted her bank account.In her world gas and insurance must be free. Oh yeah-no permit or license yet either-not into studying for a test.
     
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I do wonder sometimes - this "need" for things, constantly is something I saw in my adopted niece; to a lesser extent in my adopted nephew. Both were adopted in their first year but both were delayed adoptions due to neglect and probable abuse. The girl especially was incredibly competitive with her younger sister, always had to have EVERYTHING. This continued into teens and actually got worse - she would even get angry with herself for her jealous rages and demands. But it didn't stop her - she would take her sister's things constantly. The younger sister would buy herself some sheet music - the older one would HAVE to learn to play it first, even if it meant hogging the keyboard (and the music - not even hers).

    Clothes, toys, music - everything, the older one had to have not only the same, but ALL of it.

    My sister finally told them they were adopted, in their late teens. My nephew was relieved, because he hated his adoptive father and said "at least it means I'm not related to that *******."
    My niece was told in a gentler fashion (ie appropriately) and said she felt it explained a lot about herself - the early neglect, the malnutrition - could it be why she was always a desperate hoarder of whatever she could lay her hands on?

    She is a bright girl, she has her own kids now and is a child care worker (hence - trained in matters relating to children and their care) and is still looking for answers. She is now close to her sister and her mother (my sister), they all still live in the same town.

    I saw something similar in my oldest friend's brother. His adoptive parents could indulge him in anything he wanted, but weren't foolish about it. On the one hand he never seemed to value anything but would be careless with it; on the other hand, he always wanted more. He was never satisfied, even though he was given far more that I ever had - my friend's family were wealthy, mine were definitely not. But I would see this boy with his pile of toys, crying for something he still didn't have.
    He ended up turning to crime to get what he wanted. He could never get enough, so he took to stealing it - not only did it put the material possessions in his pocket, it took them away from the owners, so for him it felt like win-win. His adoptive parents had to disown him in the end - he was a legal adult by then, but they had done everything they could, from the time they first fostered him when he was 6. They tried to help him, they really did - but it just couldn't work, he had been too badly damaged.

    But how could anybody know? People just weren't told the full background in those days. I was there for the whole process, I know how much effort went into that young man - and he did try, too, he really wanted a family to belong to and knew he had a good, loving home at last - but maybe underneath was the sense of "all this could go away in an instant, it's only an illusion."

    My niece was malnourished in infancy. I've known others who had similar experiences as infants, due to being born in war-torn Europe. And they had similar issues with needing to HAVE everything. One man was gentle, loving, he'd overcome the monsters from his childhood, he thought - and turned into a hysterical monster when his wife cooked potato soup. Turned out that that's what his mother fed him (made from rotten potatoes, all they could get) and it was all they had to stay alive. Even made with gourmet ingredients, to this man it still smelt of that appalling smell of rotten potato, the nightmare of his very early childhood.
    My father in law was a POW in WWII but was never that insane over potato soup. He would turn his nose up at it (similar reasons - they had to make do and often had bad food) but because he was an adult at the time, it didn't seem to have that unreasonable effect on him. Trauma during childhood, even very early childhood, can leave much deeper scars than we ever did credit in the past.

    Not that this justifies this behaviour - nothing justifies it. But it also shows what we are up against sometimes. When it runs that deep, it's very hard to deal with.

    Marg
     
  17. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I didn't have time to read all the other responses but can I ever relate. Both easy child and difficult child have this sense of entitlement that drives me crazy!
     
  18. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Both of my difficult children do this. I think many PCs do this, too. Currently, Son NEEDS another IPOD. He bought himself one last year with xmas and birthday money, and then forgot to take it out of his pocket when he put his pants in the laundry. Well, I didn't check pockets that day, and guess what? IPODS don't work anymore after taking a ride in the washing machine.

    Son DEMANDED, right there and then, we get in the car, and go to the electronics store, and buy him a new one. And when I wouldn't, threw a tantrum. He still whines and moans about it. I turn a deaf ear.

    Daughter does it to a lesser extent now. But, a few years ago? Oy! :slap:
     
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This kind of makes me feel nostalgic...lol. My boys really dont do this much anymore. Cory can still do a version of this on occasion but not so often.

    However I will never forget the shopping trip from Hades when he was about 14 or so and we were both going through medication trials to get regulated. It was interesting to say the least!

    He wanted a pair of timberland boots. No...he NEEDED a pair of Timberland boots! The ones he wanted cost somewhere in the vicinity of $125 and I was not paying that much for a pair of boots for him to walk around in when his lil rear couldnt even manage to stay in school! Heck they looked like work boots from Walmart for $35 and his father wore the ones from Walmart to work all day long in construction.

    Cory was whining about getting these boots and I was fuming, saying how there was no way I was getting them. I found a cheaper pair on the clearance rack for about $50 but they just wouldnt do. They werent the "right" color. Thats when I lost it. I had a fit and stormed out of the store yelling and screaming about how if anyone was stupid enough to pay that amount of money for a boot then they should go dig ditches or work a hard day on a construction site in them...lmao.

    Needless to say the boots didnt get bought.
     
  20. peg2

    peg2 Member

    I can totally realte to everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!My 17 1/2 yr. old son,though, might possibly have bipolar disorder, which I am just beginning to realize. So, in that case, nothing will work on him. Needs a psy.evaluation. but won't go anywhere with me,probably needs medications. Almost an adult, so I can't force anything. Has anyone ever filed charges against your darlings....my husband did(step-dad) last week as my son threw a chair, charged with attempted simple assault and disorderly for calling us both names, me on the phone(f***ing :censored2:) and him in person. I'm glad, think I will ask Judge or juv.conf.committee to stipulate a psychiatric evaluation. That's the only way I will get it done(maybe). I truly believe he is bipolar and I am so.....upset if that is the case. He tinks he is entitled to everything, whatever happens to him is all my fault too. Doesn't think he has a disorder.
     
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