His teacher is hitting my son

[Malika]

Thanks for saying I have a gift, but really, I think it's just that I had to find a way that worked, in a small-minded small village environment. I had to find a way to not only work with these people, but continue to live with them too. I fight back a lot more than most; too many parents in our village will either roll over and put up with stuff, or just move their kids out of area (and begin daily long commutes, we are isolated here). With so many other parents putting up with unsatisfactory practices, the rest of us had little chance to force change. But sometimes it worked. Always, however, in the small village environment, the best results can be obtained with "Let's work together to find some answers."

Yes, I think that's the way I'm trying to approach this problem right now. If I try to charge in like a bull in a china shop (my instinctive and temperamental "default setting" for this kind of difficulty), I am going to do nothing but ruffle feathers to no good end. I've spent a fair bit of time talking about how to approach this and after going over it with another French friend this morning, have a plan of action. I've asked to see the teacher Monday after school. I have for some time been meaning, and will take this opportunity to do it, to talk to her about hyperactivity and where we are with that - that J is seeing the psychiatrist, who has given the tentative diagnosis of ADHD and has given me certain pointers as to how he should be handled (negotiation rather than punishment, lots of praise and encouragement, etc). I want to offer her a little book I have about ADHD, with a section written for teachers, to read over the summer. In the context of this general conversation, which I need in any case to have and in which I am going to talk about how J is not really "naughty" because he is choosing to be and so should not be punished all the time, I will somehow - haven't quite worked this out yet - going to talk about how he is cowering in fear of being hit on the head and say that several people have mentioned this to me. I'm not going to accuse her directly. I want to make it clear in some coded way that it is known that it is happening. She will not want it to become general knowledge, I imagine. I want to give her the opportunity to stop of her own accord.
As for finding out about other schools - the only option would be in a large city about an hour away - there is no way to guarantee that I could get him into the alternative school I want for him. These run under the state system but can choose which pupils they want to take - parents have to make a case by writing a detailed letter and on the basis of that they make the selection... More to the point, though, I really hesitate about the wisdom of pulling J out of an environment where he is basically very happy. Believe me, he would be the first to let me know if he was unhappy there... Transitions are SO traumatic for him and he has already had so many, between three entirely different countries and cultures, that I would be foolish indeed to uproot him yet again. However... if the hitting does not stop, what else can I do? But first I have to try to change things organically, from within, as you have talked about, Marg.
Wish me luck for Monday

 

[HaoZi]

he would be the first to let me know if he was unhappy there... Transitions are SO traumatic for him

He also has no basis for comparison, he doesn't know that other schools aren't all the same, won't all treat him the same. Changing schools is scary transition for any kid, even normal transitions like pre-school to elementary, elementary to middle, middle to high school. The damage will only get worse if she persists in treating him like she does. How long before he starts cowering from any authority figure? Imagine if you're out with him and someone in a uniform approaches and his immediate reaction is to "duck and cover." If there's a custody dispute that cowering reaction can be blamed on you - for either causing it or failing to prevent it.

 

[Malika]

I agree HaoZi. It's why I say that my first plan of action is to talk to the teacher and make it clear that such punitive methods - without pointing the finger at her specifically - are not appropriate for J. If it then stops, all well and good. If it does not stop, we have to rethink. I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater...

 

[Marguerite]

Good luck for Monday. With all the ideas kicked in here, you now have enough to plan a wide range of alternative pathways. I like to have a wide range of strategies mapped out including the unlikely ones (such as throttling the teachers!) so if I have to take a sudden change in direction, it's easier.

Here's hoping Plan A works for you. I agree, fixing what is currently in place is always first choice.

Marg

 

[april1974]

Wow...that's aweful...

Can I share a story?(I know another story of min )

When I was in Grade 2 or 3 the teacher grabbed my bff by the ear and dragged her up to the school(we were outside) it just so happened(our school was next to the grocery store) her mom walked by and saw it....let's just say that teacher NEVER did that to her again...the mother(being a typical mama bear) went up one side of her and down the other in front of the entire school, the teacher went red and never laid a finger on anyone after that.

ps. We lived in a village only 400 people, the teacher was married to a police officer...but this mom didn't care, aint nobody touching her baby! And I know myself well enough if someone did that to my child I would react the same way.

I've heard you say lot's how you live in a small village but when it comes to protecting our kids...that takes priority...I say speak with her and tell her it's not ok and to keep her hands off your son. If you don't your son will think because she has taken him under her wing it makes it ok for her to abuse him...and it's not. ((((hugs to you))))

 

[Malika]

I've heard you say lot's how you live in a small village but when it comes to protecting our kids...that takes priority...)

The thing is that what constitutes "protecting" my son in this situation is actually more complex than meets the eye. He is happy and settled in his school; after some reflection, I feel that taking him out of it now would be violent in some sense and quite detrimental to his future development - that's just my intuition. So however I deal with this, it has to be by the rules and codes of the society and communit in which we find ourselves...

I am actually split. Part of me thinks that I will hedge the whole thing and give her a "coded warning". Another part (and I suspect this is what is going to end up happening as it is so much more in keeping with my natural instincts) is that I will talk to her very sincerely and honestly, without blame or attack, and tell her that I know she is hitting him on the head, that I feel it's very damaging to him and we cannot stay if it continues... the art will be to try to talk to her in a way that is non-confrontational and non-threatening.

I do feel rather sickened by what happens around abuse of any sort. It gets denied and those who speak out against it are villified... The assistant at the school to whom I spoke about it now studiously ignores me... Such is the way of the world.

 

[Marguerite]

I'm with the coded war ing, if you can do it. The more direct "Do not hit my child over the head again" can come if the coded warning does not sink in.

The second teacher I mentioned (not Mrs W, the worse one) used to respond to any direct requests of mine by hassling difficult child 3 in class and warning him to not go telling tales to his mother! Thanks to my spies among the kids, I was wise to that one. I used the Communication Book to get my message home, and to also make it clear that I was learning of this NOT from my child, who was intensely loyal to his teacher.

A possible option for you, I don't know if your local school does this - in our country, most if not all schools encourage parents to volunteer in the classroom as unpaid support. It gives you (and other parents) the chance to see for yourselves. It also keeps the teachers honest. Generally the teachers welcome this involvement. At our village school, this last teacher of difficult child 3's would not allow any parent volunteers in her classroom. She had to allow therapists that I had requested and was paying for; however, when other parents tried to organise therapists (there was another mildly autistic child in her class the following year to difficult child 3) this teacher flatly refused. The parents could have insisted, but were too scared of her to insist. I think she allowed the therapists in difficult child 3's case because she knew I would insist; her refusal was unethical and unauthorised but she was VERY determined.

A direct approach with a teacher like this would have been met with denial. WAS met with denial, and a continuation of doing things as she felt was her right. She also worked on other school staff to do things her way. Teachers who did not, usually changed schools after a year or so. The principal was weak and wouldn't stand up to her.

A new principal began to bring change. The teacher felt the stress and I don't know what caused it, but one day she made some bad mistakes and the end result was, she was pushed pretty hard to take early retirement. Even though difficult child 3 was no longer a student there, I was still an active volunteer at this school and so was very much in touch with events. My departure coincided with the arrival of the new principal.

Never underestimate the value of volunteering where you can. I kept my involvement to an hour a week, but I made it useful. Malika, you could offer your services as an English-speaker, for example, to give the kids practice with speaking English in the more informal environment of the playground. It puts you in a position where you can at the same time, see what is going on. It develops your own spy network in the kids who will enjoy working with you. It also puts you where you can answer any questions other kids may have about your son - information is a great way to de-fuse hostility due to ignorance.

If you need to say things more directly, you can soften the blow and not seem to be just there to criticise, if you also have an offer of your help. It is also a lot harder for them to ignore you and treat you like dirt, if you re there being useful. This really works, I have seen it happen so many times in a wider range of situations! Not just this school, but other schools too. And even small private classes such as dance classes - the parent who was on the spot to ferry kids here and there, to open up the building before the teacher arrives, the keeper of the keys, always was given advantages over the others. It used to really annoy me, but I learned to work the system, as far as I could stomach it.

Marg

 

[Malika]

Yes, more good advice, Marg. Getting involved is some kind of key - I've done a little in the way of that, helping with the swimming and the school fete. And teaching English would be a great idea except that you get the feeling that the teaching is definitely a "hands off" area with this teacher. I could be wrong - that is the impression she has given me.
The thing is that I definitely don't see us staying in the village long term. I have given myself a year maximum to sort out the way ahead. I am so sickened/demoralised by the idle maliciousness of my immediate neighbours that it is all I can do to even stay that year... (Latest was an overheard conversation - I hear everything from my desk near the window! - between one neighbour and the nothing-better-to-do lady downstairs, as part of my house is on top of part of theirs, alas. She is outside clattering something metal about. "Did he break it?" asks one neighbour - I know immediately he is talking about J. "Yes - but what can you do? She lets him get away with everything!" the charming lady replies - thereby managing to badmouth J and me in one fell swoop! It is all lies; J has not been out anywhere unsupervised in the village for over two weeks... ) At the moment, I suspect we will go back to Morocco in autumn 2012. I do not want J to grow up feeling this exclusion and prejudice. And in Morocco he would become fluent in Arabic but continue to be taught in French. Three languages - a big advantage in his life.
So... I'm not too concerned about fitting right in with this village.
Another small dilemma - should I inform the parents of the other little boy who is being hit??

 

[Marguerite]

I'm not sure - how well do you know this other mother? Also, how would you phrase it? You would need to be very careful, because what you say is almost certain to get back to the teacher. You could say, "Have you noticed any changes in your son's behaviour? J has been very timid, cringing when I even raise my voice, and I was wondering if you have noticed anything like this in your son."

Then play it by ear. If she responds with concern, you could then say, "Someone told me, I'm not sure if I can credit it, that the teacher has hit my son as well as your son around the head. I really find it hard to credit, but given J's recent changes in behaviour, I am wondering..." then leave it to see how she reacts.

Marg

 

[Malika]

Well, I think you are better at this than I am, Marg I had actually thought just to go and tell her that J has told me (and because of the manner of telling I know it's the truth) that he and this other boy are being hit hard on the head... it hadn't occurred to me to do it another way! Your suggestion is more subtle and more intelligent... but will I do it? Not sure. Maybe I should wait to see what happens on Monday when I see the teacher. I think I'm partly curious to know what their reaction would be - I've talked to both the parents briefly, they are young, seem pleasant, interestingly she is a nursery teacher herself... It wouldn't surprise me if they weren't very concerned. But you never know.
I cannot exactly say J has been timid since He is never really timid. Outgoing, voluble and sociable kind of sums him up, from dawn to dusk... But he is cowering and protecting his head when people scold him sometimes... Not good to see.
Incidentally, we saw the speech therapist again. She told me (ha, ha!!) that she doesn't think he's got ADHD. Another one... He concentrates so well when she asks him questions - what a transformation from the first time we went to see her and when we saw the other speech therapist - and is so on the ball that she cannot recognise him from the other ADHD children she has had... She thinks he is anxious and his hyperactivity may stem from that, but says it is out of her field of expertise...
Sometimes I don't know what to think.