Hitting

[lovelyboy]

I would like to know how you guys handle it when your kido hits or pushes you?
Yesterday my hubby saw my oldest son hurting his younger brother 3 times and after telling him to stop it my son got very upset with his farther and ran towards him and pushed my husband in the stomach...luckily my husband is still very big and strong, but unfortunatly as a automatic reaction pushed my son back and he fell....I got very upset and it caused a big upset between me and hubby. My son dis appologized to hubby and my husband also appologized to him and both had a great evening.
But I told hubby I think he must rather try and prevent such a situation and if it happens try and ignore it and discuss alternatives later but son must still be punished like loosing preveleges. My husband said he will try, but he will not allow my son to hit us!!!!
Today when my husband were out my son wanted to go and swim at friends, but because I don t know the parents said its against the rules to swim at strangers...he got VERY upset, started crying, begging, screaming...I stayed calm and said no....my little son got very scared, even the dog got scared!!!! Then my son kicked me on the shins and later hit with his fist on my forarm....I grabbed both his hands and in a calm voice said I will not allow him to hurt me....And that he was grounded....this made him stop hurting me but it went over into a almost meltdown....crying, roling on the floor, rocking, exct.
Later I said we can get a DVD, then he tested the bounderies again, wanted to get something with age restriction higher than 16 yr...I didnt give in.....
I keep on making excuses for him saying he has AS, exct, but hubby say that he is still a normal boy as well that needs to learn that you cant go around hitting people!
Any advice will be great!?
Thanx

 

[TeDo]

Sorry I can't offer any advice since I don't have this as one of the issues I have ever dealt with. Just sending {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} and letting you know you handled things beautifully. It IS up to the adults to teach the "right" way so what you said to husband was good.

 

[lovelyboy]

Since I've written the post I keep on thinking...why now? Why suddenly after 3 months, almost 4 months of almost no opposisional behaviour, all this? Could this be because his dad left today for work and will only be back in 3 days time...he is crying on and of for his dad....and his one best friend is emigrating on Tuesday...and his one friend is bullying him at school and he needs to see the psychiatrist tomorrow (he doesn't like it) and he needs to go for speech therapy assessment on Wednesday? Is all this AS related, for anxiety increasing or routine changing or is it some ODD reservising, but surely ODD can't be gone for 4 months and then suddenly reappair, could it?

 

[TeDo]

Sounds like he has a LOT of stressful, anxiety producing stuff going on right now, Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) or not! Kids can only handle so much at one time and he might need a lot of reassurance and "special treatment" right now. If you can make his time with you special and positive, maybe some of the behavior will lessen a little. I would reassure him constantly that you understand there is a lot going on right now and that you will do whatever you can to help. Maybe plan some special activites while Dad is away. It might help if he doesn't have so much time to sit and think about all that is going on. Just a warning though, sometimes kids don't even realize what is causing their anger so if he disagrees with you about that, just drop the explanations after that remain positive and upbeat. Good luck.

{{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} to all of you.

 

[whatamess]

I would not punish for outburts. The outbursts are a result of poor coping skills. I would work on prevention, keeping everyone safe during the episode and then teaching about coping skills during a calm time. The punishment after the outburst is probably escalating the situation. If we really believe these issues are a result of mental illness, disability, lack of skills, then we should be approaching this from a teaching rather than punitive standpoint (I do know this is much easier said than done, but I believe this is how these types of issues should be viewed).

 

[HaoZi]

I take it on a situation by situation basis. Open handed hit intended more for shock value is one thing, but when she's really going at me with fists, feet, and teeth, that's when it's time to wrap her up in a hold and hang on for dear life until she's too tired or her brain finally kicks into gear.

 

[Liahona]

whatamess has a point that everything needs to be done for prevention. husband also has a point. There are some behaviors that are not acceptable no matter what the reason is behind the behavior.

For example, my difficult child 1 in Sep. tried to hit easy child 1 with a piano bench. If he had succeeded he would have killed her. She is so small. Unacceptable behavior. The reasons he did it are 1. he is mentally ill 2. he was facing going to X's house where he is abused. difficult child 1 is so stressed he is hallucinating. He has very good reasons to take it out on others. I still can't allow the behavior. So I do everything to prevent the behavior again. difficult child 1 is on 24/7 supervision. His time right before something I know will be a stressor is packed with fun stuff to do. And when he hurts her he gets the natural consequence of not getting to be around his siblings for a time. This consequence does a few things it punishes so he and his sister both know exactly where Mama stands on the issue of difficult child 1 hurting easy child 1. It keeps him away from her so he has a chance to calm down without re-offending. He gets to apologize when he comes back. He has started to separate himself when he realizes he is escalating. So it is also teaching him a coping strategy he can use.

Part of the prevention we are doing is working with his therapists.

Yes, it seems that the more stress an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kid has the more likely they are to show more Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) symptoms.

 

[Bunny]

It sounds like your difficult child has alot of stuff going on that are causing him stress and anxiety. I know from my own experiences that my difficult child shows alot more oppositional behavior when he is in situations like that. But, I also tell him that just because he is anxious about something, it does not give him license to hit or punch anyone. I will punish him for the hitting, but not for the outburst. In my opinion, he has to learn how to deal with his anxiety and stress without hitting the people that are around him.

Pam

 

[DammitJanet]

This is my opinion and you can take it or leave it.

Your son doesnt have any diagnosis's that would make him unable to understand that violence is wrong. Yes, he is allowed to be angry, that is perfectly fine. What isnt okay is to hit someone else, kick someone else or to destroy anyone's property. In looking back, I also wouldnt allow all the cussing either. I was advised to put that on the back burner and I believe that was bad advice.

I think no matter what his diagnosis is, he should receive consequences for his actions. At 8 he is too old for spanking in most peoples opinion. (not mine but thats another story) So, I would recommend something like a time out or sending him to his room or taking away some privilege. He needs to know what he did is not allowed. No one in the outside world is going to allow him to hit, or scream and throw tantrums.

 

[buddy]

I totally agree with using an appropriate consequence. Even my kiddo who has triggers like seizures, still gets a consequence that is connected with the behavior. I do NOT hit him. Once I did spank when he was little...HUGE mistake. He is too "fight or flight" he just got so defensive and didnt' even connect it to the original behavior.

 

[KTMom91]

I agree with Janet on this one. None of the neighborhood kids will care what his his diagnosis's are or aren't, all they know is that someone who hits and pushes is not someone they want to play with.