Holding steady. Rough seas, high winds...sailing along.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by scent of cedar, Oct 1, 2013.

  1. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Things have blown up, again. We don't know the whole story yet, but it involves three police cars, five policemen (On the bright side? We know now, at long last, just how many policemen are required to take my (120 pound soaking wet), jay-bird naked, difficult child daughter down.), an impounded truck, running away from a hospital stark, as has been mentioned, naked, and being transferred, by ambulance and in restraints, to a lock-down psychiatric unit in the same city where she spent the winter homeless.

    Attempted suicide, with anywhere from (6) to an entire bottle of, klonopin taken. According to difficult child, she was so upset about the two remaining children (who are living with their father) not being with her that she...took the klonopin, I guess.


    Then? Headed out, top speed and devil take the hindmost, in the truck the father of difficult child's second child bought her.

    Which is how and why that got impounded.

    She has a cut and blackened eye. Nothing as bad as what I saw on her last summer, but disturbing, nonetheless.

    New cell phone? Broke. I.D.? Lost. Remainder of money we were kind enough to give her? Lost, along with new driver's license. Though these things may (and I heartily hope they do) show up when difficult child gets the truck out of impound. Which we are not going to pay for and thank Heaven we gave her the amount of starting-over money we did.

    We purchased freedom from guilt with that money ~ which is just what I told husband when he didn't want to do it.

    Here is my question: Can all this be happening by chance? difficult child was a responsible, adult, math teacher with four children and a mortgage not so long ago. Is she throwing "things" away on purpose? Is she determined to go homeless, again? (Probably just after we leave to go South for the winter so I can really suffer the rigors of H*** about whether she has already frozen to death, or should I continue to worry.)


    On a lighter note, granddaughter has been invited to the Homecoming dance by "a tall, handsome, well-mannered football player with good grades and blue eyes." She is adjusting well to life in her new school. Prefers to stay there with her father's relatives, rather than transferring schools again to come South with us. No longer wants to live with either difficult child or her father. Plans to do Winter Cheerleading, seems to be handling all classes well. With the focus of the drama being on the naked, urinary-catheter-and-IV-line-tearing-out, psychiatric-unit-enclosed difficult child, no one is helping granddaughter shop for her dress.

    difficult child refuses to even think about it.

    She seems determined that this event in granddaughter's life is going to take back burner status. I am on slow burn over that....

    husband and I were saying last night that it is sad that an event of this nature, which would be a horrible crisis in another family, is such a mishmash of emotions for all of us.


    P.S. I have been doing a lot of calming, meditative things. My conclusion is that it will be funny things that gets us through this kind of crisis. I was even able to laugh with difficult child about the running around naked and winding up in the lock down unit of a psychiatric ward thing. I mean, it all seems so unbelievable! She didn't think it was so funny.

    Frosting on the cake is that the neighbor (for those who don't know, difficult child and someone visiting our home from another state at the same time difficult child called to come in off the streets have developed a relationship) is still in the picture, too.

    Truthfully, guys? This would make a sterling sit-com. Sometimes? I can't help but see it that way.


    Something tells me I won't be laughing long, though.

    I am making apple pies, today. Tomorrow, karate and then, into the city to volunteer to make pumpkin pies out of pumpkins grown by a city-sponsored garden. Yoga in the morning, and a Buddhist mediation on love that goes: "May I be well." Pause. "May I be happy." Pause. "May I be peaceful." Pause. "May I be loved." Pause. Then, you do the whole thing again for someone you love and then, for someone you dislike.

    Interestingly enough, I could have done the last two parts on difficult child ~ both of them.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    "Normal" people don't throw life away. Something else is at work... some form of MI or addition or something else, but... if she were in her right mind, she wouldn't do this, so... can we really say it is on purpose?

    But... Does it make any difference? She IS throwing her life away.
  3. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Oh wow, Cedar. Thinking and praying for you through this latest difficult child drama. What does the neighbor say?
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    in my humble opinion, she does not deem herself worthy of a normal life. I wish I knew why, but I suspect it is something she has done (or was done to her) that she can not get past. She must ruin herself to feel better about it.

    I am sorry for this latest event. So sad.
  5. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear this! Hopefully the someone who is in her life will see the reality after this last event.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Cedar, I am so, so sorry...........no sense can be made out of behavior which is skewered due to mental illness.............in addition to the fear and grief, we can't even rationally understand the behavior, it warps our brains to try.............

    Cell phones, ID's, impounded cars, money...............lost. You already paid your guilt money.............I found it hard to let go of keeping my difficult child on top of those things.................and ultimately, had to let go. Otherwise, you will be standing at the DMV, the impound lot, the Verizon store many, many times in the future.............

    Is it by chance? Is she throwing it away on purpose? Is she determined to go homeless again? Those are rational, intelligent, reasonable inquiries...................and completely unanswerable in the world your daughter lives in. Right questions.........wrong Universe.

    Here is what I've learned living on the perimeter of mental illness for a lifetime. This is not about YOU. This is not something you can control or fix. This does not fit into any kind of reality that you are familiar with and can understand and feel good about. Aside from manipulations for money or making you feel responsible or bad for some unknown or perhaps even made-up wrong doing, it is not about you. It is your daughter living out of a very different and not-track-able brain anomaly which she herself is unlikely able to explain or even understand.

    Whatever compulsions or delusions are suffered within her as a result of her bi-polar or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), that part of her has emerged larger then the rational part.

    For me? What has helped is to let go of my judgments and expectations that anyone in my family behave in "normal ways." I presume they are living out their lives the way they choose............... and I have had to learn detachment with each and every one of them. My daughter being the most difficult and heartbreaking............. but to stay sane, I have to place them all within a container of light and love and allow it to float away.

    What you consider "throwing her life away" seen out of the "normal" reality most of us live within, to your daughter, similar to my daughter, may see it as throwing the wrong life away to get back to the real life she needs to be in, on the street, with her "family." I have come to believe, for many folks with "different" wiring, living in "our world" is extremely taxing and takes a huge toll. I think it feels better to be among folks who have no "normal" expectations of you when you know you can't fulfill that.

    My daughter has nothing to say to her own daughter, can walk right by her, never ask about her, never see her. But, when her cats are involved, they are her "family." She will do anything for them.This is not the reality I live in. But, this is the reality she lives in. I can get really angry and upset about that and and be "right" about it...............who wouldn't agree with me? I AM right. However, I am not living in that world, she is. In that world, this is all okay. So what difference does it make that I am right? It doesn't change anything. Right and wrong don't count here, this is the Outer Limits. Remember that show? At the beginning they said they had control of your TV, it was fuzzy and rolling..............just like the difficult child world, they control it. It's fuzzy and rolling. I have to turn the TV off, that's the only way to deal with it.

    Should you continue to worry? That is a great question. What I am doing is literally everything possible to not worry, to keep my mind occupied as you are with your calming meditations, your yoga, your volunteering.................. so occupied that there is no room left for useless and time consuming worry that goes nowhere. Whatever is going to happen with our daughters is going to happen whether we worry or not, so until that day when we get that dreaded phone call..................we may as well make every attempt to live as wonderful a life as we are capable of having. That phone call may never come and then when we are 85, we will look back and say, "she's still out there doing the same thing and I have now wasted the last 20 years waiting for the other shoe to drop...........it didn't drop.................there WENT my life." She will have lived her life. But we may not have lived ours.

    Our daughters have decided, in unison, to on some level check out of 'normal' reality and move through their worlds without the constraints society places on them. That is the choice they are making. From whatever reality they are living in, that is their choice. We can't change it. And, I made it clear to my difficult child that I am no longer financing this lifestyle choice.............little by little, for me, I have pulled out almost entirely now. To the degree that I've done that, my life, oddly, has improved significantly. I do not advocate this, I am just sharing my experience. It's a long journey home.

    I am not sure I know the entire story Cedar, however, once your difficult child gets out of the hospital, the kids who've been staying with her may be placed in a more safe and stable environment which sounds as if would be better if your difficult child were not directly involved with them...........and perhaps she will go stay with your neighbor, at least for now.

    Remember the story about the farmer and his son, as I attempt to do myself every day.............this adventure is going to go up and down and sideways.............trying to figure it out, trying to make sense of it, trying to fit it into someplace where WE can feel okay about it is an exercise in futility......................

    What I noticed first about your post Cedar is that the desperation, fear and a certain level of angst are missing. You sound more accepting. This is good. Acceptance is good. I am landing there myself more often, it beats the hell out of devastation. So, you are changing and growing as your difficult child continues with her behaviors. Remember that. You have changed.

    I am sorry for this turn of events. I know you were starting to get used to the calm................it will get calm again.............don't follow your daughter into the insanity anymore........................it's a ride we just can't survive.

    You and your family are in my prayers.................sending you thoughts of peace and serenity............
  7. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    hugs to you and difficult child
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thinking of you this morning Cedar, of your daughter and your husband too...............sending you all hugs and hopes for peace of mind and calm seas..............
  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending supportive thoughts and hugs your way. Sigh....if only the peaceful times lasted longer.
  10. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    husband and I are doing better, today. It means a lot to know you are all out there. Thanks to everyone who posted, and to everyone who read along and held a good thought for us. Outcome on this one was...more money. husband and I are probably playing a game with one another, in that when he says no, I convince him to say yes. When I (finally) say no, he says "Yes. But this is the last time and I don't care if I never hear from her, again." The same thing happened with difficult child son. Once I gave up, husband was full speed ahead.

    Which is an interesting observation about how a couple finally stumble their ways into true detachment.

    I hope.

    Recovering, your post about love was so comforting. It stayed with me and finally, into my quote card file it went. I really like it.


    Here is an interesting thought. I am always talking about those moms who seem so strong and self-centered that their kids have no choice but to be healthy. If they do fall apart? She is able to leave them where they are without a second thought. She does this without condemning either the difficult child or herself. Just like that lady I know who talks about her difficult child as not having a pot to p*** in or a window to throw it out of. She's disgusted? But it has nothing to do with her ~ anymore than the success of her other children has anything to do with her.

    I think I understand now how that kind of love works.

    That is what your quote about love is teaching me, Recovering.

    Unconditional love is a trap for the perfectionally oriented. (I just made that word up.) While it's a great goal, it isn't a realistic one, and it sets us up for denial.

    Such a journey.

    Oy vey.

  11. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Hi Cedar, it's Tryagain. I only surface every few months but was having a rough day and decided to come to the forum. Misery loves company, LOL, so I will commiserate with you and my forum peeps. I read your post and I am so sorry. My daughter has disappointed me again, too- I thought she had matured and was believing things she said, but today found out it was all pack of lies. She had even invented a job with great detail, even asking me to mail her black pants and shirt for the job! I heard many stories about all the tips she was getting and how she loved the job. I called the place today -and they did not know her. Wow. There are other lies but I will not go into that. She is six hours away which has turned out to be a blessing, but you never know when they're going to boomerang back home as you are experiencing. Sending prayers and good thoughts your way.
  12. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Hi, tryagain :O)

    What would we do, without one another and this site?