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Holidays & Trauma, Holding Both
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 673563" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I just could not get myself to a place of gratitude or thankfulness yesterday. I just couldn't do it. I was able to take some comfort in that imagery of holding both trauma and gratitude, but I could not manage to actually feel it, or find a place to balance in it, except for briefly, through making an effort not to behave like a jerk. It was so strange and difficult a holiday. </p><p></p><p>Then, during clean up, the mood broke. Just like that.</p><p></p><p>Could it have been anticipation of trauma that was creating that in us? Not only old trauma, but anticipation of new. There was a jaded cynicism to my emotional reality yesterday that was unusual for me.</p><p></p><p>It still hurts me a little bit when I think about what it was like. </p><p></p><p>And it was so strange that it broke just like that, between one breath and the next, almost. During cleanup. So, I was wiping up the kitchen floor, the very last piece of cleanup, when it broke.</p><p></p><p>It was ten o'clock at night.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>This part is edited in.</p><p></p><p>So, after cleanup was done, I was reading, and decided to begin sending gift certificates to the kids for turkey or for whatever their holiday dinner would be. I berated myself for not having thought of it sooner, but found it comforting as a balm on that angry place I had been balancing around for the past few days.</p><p></p><p>So, these feelings really are about balancing trauma and gratitude, and make me scared silly about Christmas. I think part of it has to do with accepting things as they are.</p><p></p><p>Hope must have kept me afloat, before.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 673563, member: 17461"] I just could not get myself to a place of gratitude or thankfulness yesterday. I just couldn't do it. I was able to take some comfort in that imagery of holding both trauma and gratitude, but I could not manage to actually feel it, or find a place to balance in it, except for briefly, through making an effort not to behave like a jerk. It was so strange and difficult a holiday. Then, during clean up, the mood broke. Just like that. Could it have been anticipation of trauma that was creating that in us? Not only old trauma, but anticipation of new. There was a jaded cynicism to my emotional reality yesterday that was unusual for me. It still hurts me a little bit when I think about what it was like. And it was so strange that it broke just like that, between one breath and the next, almost. During cleanup. So, I was wiping up the kitchen floor, the very last piece of cleanup, when it broke. It was ten o'clock at night. Cedar This part is edited in. So, after cleanup was done, I was reading, and decided to begin sending gift certificates to the kids for turkey or for whatever their holiday dinner would be. I berated myself for not having thought of it sooner, but found it comforting as a balm on that angry place I had been balancing around for the past few days. So, these feelings really are about balancing trauma and gratitude, and make me scared silly about Christmas. I think part of it has to do with accepting things as they are. Hope must have kept me afloat, before. [/QUOTE]
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