Holidays with BioDad and allegations of abuse???

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by troubledheart, Dec 28, 2009.

  1. troubledheart

    troubledheart New Member

    Here is a good one. My husband and I went on vacation the week before the Christmas holiday. I sent my son (against his wishes, first mistake) to see his bio dad for 5 days.

    Next thing I know, I am getting a phone call that the police were called on myself and husband because my AS kiddo decided to tell his bio dad that we abuse him. Punching, kicking, hitting, you name it, he said it. Loaded guns in our home, thinking we would use them to shoot him, etc. You can imagine my surprise on that phone call, it is outlandish and unreal to me that my AS kiddo would say that, let alone bio dad would believe him!! AND all of this without contacting me until after he had called the police. Needless to say, AS Kiddo admitted to bio dad that he made it all up because he wanted to go back with me. He thought it would make everyone mad and I would go get him.

    Now I don't know what else to do. We have talked with him, the police have been to speak with us, and is sending a report to CPS, and I have no clue what happens now. My AS kiddo talked to cops and told him he lied and why and they had a discussion on lying to get your way.

    I am definately talking to therapist on this one. Hopefully all will go okay when cps talks to us. I have all his diagnosis paperwork and doctor phone numbers, etc ready.....

    Has anyone went thru this????? I am super stressed out!
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    My husband was reported to CPS, too, but slightly different circumstances.

    He had been messing with one of those soft pellet air guns and it went off and hit easy child 2 in the butt. She either has no pain tolerance or is a drama queen (both quite possibly), she went to school and her mom's and told everyone her dad shot her in the butt.

    Of course, we get called by CPS.

    As it turned out, once CPS inteviewed her and she told them the details, it was dropped pretty quickly. They had to contact us and ask us for the story, which matched hers. And that was it. It was marked unfounded and dropped.

    But it didn't make it any less stressful to go thru.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I am crossing myself here in thanks because I am so glad that Cory and his little girls momma are so good about realizing that kids fall down and get hurt or we would go through more rounds with CPS! Everytime she got a boo boo someone would be calling. ugh.
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Hang in there. He was at his dad's place when he not only said these things, but freely recanted. So he didn't recant because of pressure from you.

    For now, be cautiously optimistic. Kids do this sort of thing, they sometimes give false reports especially if they don't fully realise the repercussions.

    Where did he get the idea to do this? AS kids usually don't invent this sort of thing, so I'd be thinking hard about where the ideas came from. Who does he mix with? What sort of school does he go to, are there problem kids there who are manipulative?

    I'd be tracking that angle down quietly. Think hard first, maybe (if you can) talk to a teacher about what they think, in terms of who has been feeding your difficult child with some silly strategies.

    Then when you can, talk to difficult child about putting into place a more appropriate way for him to express his anger and desire for you to pick him up.

    Hugs - if you are good people and good parents, this will be quickly demonstrated. It also will actually give you some insulation against future accusations.

  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    We went through CPS in a different way also. We had learned our oldest had been abusing our middle child. SHE hid it because he told her he would kill our youngest if she told. Since I caught him trying to kill her in the middle of the night, well, it was out. He ended in a 4mo psychiatric hospital stay and she got a lot of therapy also. To get the therapy we had to go to the pediatrician. Who had to report. There was a CPS report and investigation, as there will be with yours. You will end up OK, esp as he came clean to his dad before you talked to him, and to the police before he he spoke to you.

    I do encourage you to speak to a therapist to sort out your feelings re son AND his biodad, because I am sure you are very hurt.
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If I were you, I would use it as an opportunity to try to get additional supports in place. Speak to CPS and see what is out there through their agency.
  7. troubledheart

    troubledheart New Member

    I don't really know where he came up with the story. He is homeschooled (but just started a couple of months ago) because the school was not working with him, and the lying was getting worse and worse and worse for fear of being grounded/priviledge loss for not completing school work. The lying had almost subsided completely. I don't know if his bio dad and step mom came up with this or what happened. We haven't seen CPS yet, only the police. It is sooooooo stressful. The police already told us it will become unfounded and didn't know if CPS would need to do anything more than call us.

    We will definately be speaking with his therapists in regards to this. I have always said that my AS kiddo could be an actor as he can play any role at any time.

    I guess I don't understand. Maybe it is the mood disorder (possible BiPolar (BP)) that is in the mix with him. His neuropsychologist said it is the worst combination to have, but can be managable with therapy and patience. Unfortunately, he loses control and always has when he is around a lot of people, and at his bio dad's there are 3 other kids.

    I feel so bad for everything he is going thru now. He is being very very hard on himself, and we had a nice long talk (that I recorded) and it seemed to help him feel better.

    OOOOOOOOOOOOO what a week it was...I am looking forward to getting things back to normal!
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Do you have a decent relationship with bio dad?
  9. troubledheart

    troubledheart New Member

    I did until this incident. His wife, that is a completely different story. For some reason, she doesn't like me, I could really care less. She email blasted me last year about this time, stirring up trouble between me and bio dad. Telling me all kind of lies about bio dad and myself and our child. then wanted me to not talk to bio dad about any of it. HA.

    I don't know, I just want this **** over. I have nothing to hide and just wish that CPS would hurry up and get the investigation over so we can get on with things.
  10. troubledheart

    troubledheart New Member

    And another tidbit of history. My son usually only sees bio dad 1 time per year, maybe 2 times. He was in the military. He knows son's diagnosis, has lot of the mood stuff on family tree. He doesn't stay involved at all with son. There will be no more forcing my son to see bio dad.
  11. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I was just going to suggest if bio dad was a constant in the picture with a good relationship with you, that perhaps you should not *not* make your son go there...but I'm not sure what I would suggest in your shoes.
    But do think about it...he lied to get what he wanted, and in the end, he'll get it (no more having to go to bio dad's, which also may mean no more breaks for mom).
    Only you can decide that one, as I don't know at what level your son functions at, but I certainly wouldn't make the connection for him that action A (lying/involving CPS) results in action B (not having to go to dad's).
  12. troubledheart

    troubledheart New Member

    That definately makes sense to me. We have a lot of issues to work on now. He is not functioning at a high level at all when it comes to social skills. I am just super frustrated. I will not cut contact off at all from his father, but will definately monitor the situation completely. Not sure what I will do when it comes to him going to another state to visit again. That will be something we will have to figure out later, with his therapists help.
  13. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    My wee difficult child has been suspended from school several times now. Only this last time was he actually aware, tho, of why he wasn't going to school.

    The last thing we want him to figure out is that he can purposely act like that and get out of school (he likes school, so it wouldn't be something he would normally do, anyway...but, in a pickle? If he knows that gets him out of a tight spot? You betcha he would). So far, its been rages beyond his control...but again, a connection we don't need him to make.

    Good luck. Its so hard to know what to do and when. And often its not what's right or wrong but what's the bext shade of gray.
  14. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    Wow, ambersue, what a nightmare. I, too, had a short-lived experience with CPS, totally different circumstances except that difficult child was the trigger and it was a ridiculous and stressful situation.

    I'm guessing due to your circumstances that you may have had a family law attorney at some point. At the time I had my crisis, I'd already been through my divorce and so had an attorney as well, and a very good relationship with her. I contacted her, and she intervened, calling CPS to discuss the case and relay the circumstances. When they said they still needed to interview me, she told them that would be fine but that she wanted to be present. Just asked them to let her know when and where.

    The whole issue then disappeared. I was never interviewed.

    I realize you should be in good shape with CPS, because you didn't do anything wrong. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong either, but I also felt more secure having the back-up, because I consider any contact with CPS to be an adversarial situation and a risk. I was very happy that they considered me to be not worth the trouble when they found I had an attorney. My perspective in dealing with any government entity is that you have at best a 50-50 chance of being connnected with an intelligent, competent individual, who then often controls your fate at least temporarily.

    Given all the angles of your case, I'm thinking it could be a good idea to maintain a link with a family law attorney anyway. To open or re-open that relationship based on this incident shouldn't put bio-dad on defense but could be useful "insurance" for you to have the established contact.
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2009
  15. troubledheart

    troubledheart New Member

    Did you get any kind of notification that it was dropped and over? That is my question at the moment, is that the police told us that the report would be filed with cps and deemed unfounded, and he didn't know if they would be in contact with us or not. I could care less if they come over and interview all of us, i just want to know when it is over. i don't want to call them and ask either, and put a light on myself like I am worried. But I am honestly stressed out. I am just overwhelmed and tired I think. Even though we just came back from vacation for 10 days, it wass the worst time I ever had.

    I don't have an attorney in my state. I have only lived here for 3 years, maybe I should get one. I have never needed it, but I have a bad feeling about this situation with his bio dad and his wonderful wife.
  16. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    No, I don't remember receiving any type of notification, but I was fortunate to have an established relationship with a top-notch attorney, and really, once I knew she was on it and telling me not to worry, I quit worrying about that particular angle. Besides, difficult child had me hopping over all the issues that prompted the CPS involvement to begin with, so that served to distract me from CPS. Over time, it just became obvious they had dropped it.

    Yes, I think that particularly since your anxiety level is where it is, it could be worth your while to at least schedule a legal consultation or two. Usually an initial consultation is very affordable--or even free--and it might give you some peace of mind and an open link for later if need be.
  17. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Amber, I know it's frightening and stressfull but try to stay calm. I haven't been in that position but have heard many stories here that are very similar to yours. All that I remember were pretty easily and quickly resolved. I think in your case with the police believing that it's unfounded, they will tell CPS that when they make their report. That can go a long way to what CPS decides and they may not even speak to you or your son but they still may. Given the circumstances though, I would think it would be deemed unfounded almost immediately. Also, most people who have been through this have said that they've received some sort of written notification of the results, sometimes in addition to a verbal notification. If they only verbally notify you, you are well within your right to ask for it in writing.