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Holy Cow This GIRL!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 608353" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>I see parenting as a life long task, because relationship with adult child is still very different from other relationships. But that of course is much matter of semantics. When kids grow up, the big thing that changes is, that you have no similar power over your child like when they were younger. But some influence is still there and of course every relationship is always two way street. So I don't see it all insignificant how you relate/behave/parent your adult child.</p><p></p><p>I have difficult child parents, and I also had grandparents who were more positive parenting influence for me. None of it came insignificant after I turned 18. In fact the worst hurt my dad has caused me happened when I was closer to 30 than 20. And I simply wouldn't have survived without some parenting I received from my grandparents when I was already adult. Also my mom being better in parenting an adult daughter than the child not only made our relationship much better before she died, but gave me something truly invaluable. </p><p></p><p>Because of that, I do put a lot of care also to what kind of parent I want to be to my sons now they are reaching adulthood and from this point on. And not only from the point of view of how it makes me feel but very much from the point of view how it makes them feel. Let's face it, they are two person I love the most in this world. It is important to me, how I make them feel, just, and more so, like it is important to me how I make my husband, close friends etc. feel. Of course I'm a person whom I have to look from the mirror when brushing my teeth, so it is also extremely important, how it makes me feel and there could certainly be situations, where I would need to put ability to look myself in the mirror first and how my loved ones feel second. But that doesn't make their feelings insignificant. </p><p></p><p>There may be a day in future, when we all have to accept our children are who they are and there is nothing we can do to it and just try to make ourselves happy. I'm not nowhere near that point with my kids. I can't make decisions for either of them or change them, but I can still model behaviour, have an active role in my relationships with them, provide them support and help they need etc. And yes, help them find a path to make some much needed changes. I think you Dancerat are still in that place with your kid too. MWM, I believe, have kids with whom she is in that place and kids, she has had to let go. So different perspective.</p><p></p><p>When kicking your son and her girlfriend out, and staying with the boundaries you decided, you are trying to speed up and guide your son to find a path to healthier lifestyle. It may work or it may not, but it is indeed one of the few ways you can try to help him come to those realisations. But because those realisations are not ones he wants, he is likely to try to find every possible loophole to get around it first.</p><p></p><p>By the way, I understand very well not wanting to yell. I don't like it either for many reasons. It really isn't something I want to model to my children, it is not a way I want to treat my loved ones, it makes me feel bad about myself, makes my head hurt and my face ugly splotchy red and pink. It really doesn't give me any pleasure to behave like that to those I care for. Not even when I'm angry at them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 608353, member: 14557"] I see parenting as a life long task, because relationship with adult child is still very different from other relationships. But that of course is much matter of semantics. When kids grow up, the big thing that changes is, that you have no similar power over your child like when they were younger. But some influence is still there and of course every relationship is always two way street. So I don't see it all insignificant how you relate/behave/parent your adult child. I have difficult child parents, and I also had grandparents who were more positive parenting influence for me. None of it came insignificant after I turned 18. In fact the worst hurt my dad has caused me happened when I was closer to 30 than 20. And I simply wouldn't have survived without some parenting I received from my grandparents when I was already adult. Also my mom being better in parenting an adult daughter than the child not only made our relationship much better before she died, but gave me something truly invaluable. Because of that, I do put a lot of care also to what kind of parent I want to be to my sons now they are reaching adulthood and from this point on. And not only from the point of view of how it makes me feel but very much from the point of view how it makes them feel. Let's face it, they are two person I love the most in this world. It is important to me, how I make them feel, just, and more so, like it is important to me how I make my husband, close friends etc. feel. Of course I'm a person whom I have to look from the mirror when brushing my teeth, so it is also extremely important, how it makes me feel and there could certainly be situations, where I would need to put ability to look myself in the mirror first and how my loved ones feel second. But that doesn't make their feelings insignificant. There may be a day in future, when we all have to accept our children are who they are and there is nothing we can do to it and just try to make ourselves happy. I'm not nowhere near that point with my kids. I can't make decisions for either of them or change them, but I can still model behaviour, have an active role in my relationships with them, provide them support and help they need etc. And yes, help them find a path to make some much needed changes. I think you Dancerat are still in that place with your kid too. MWM, I believe, have kids with whom she is in that place and kids, she has had to let go. So different perspective. When kicking your son and her girlfriend out, and staying with the boundaries you decided, you are trying to speed up and guide your son to find a path to healthier lifestyle. It may work or it may not, but it is indeed one of the few ways you can try to help him come to those realisations. But because those realisations are not ones he wants, he is likely to try to find every possible loophole to get around it first. By the way, I understand very well not wanting to yell. I don't like it either for many reasons. It really isn't something I want to model to my children, it is not a way I want to treat my loved ones, it makes me feel bad about myself, makes my head hurt and my face ugly splotchy red and pink. It really doesn't give me any pleasure to behave like that to those I care for. Not even when I'm angry at them. [/QUOTE]
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