Homeless 46 year old daughter and a son in jail

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by jodiehooks, Aug 17, 2016.

  1. jodiehooks

    jodiehooks WEARY MOTHER

    So, here I am trying to mind my own business but finding myself obsessing about my son and daughter again. For now, it appears that things have calmed down. Son is in process of getting settled in a new place (prison), daughter is not communicating a lot which indicates to me that something has taken her attention away (who knows what or who), but as soon as either of them need help guess who they will call? I went to get my son's clothes the other day from the county jail and found 10 lbs. of stuff. Now I am the keeper of the belongings for both of them. My daughter who is not in jail makes no effort to retrieve her stuff and is living in an apartment that has no furniture in it, despite her bed being 500 miles away in my garage. Go figure.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Go on and live your life. I feel sad for youn At 66 its time ti let your middle age kids go...you cant save them. Indulge yourself.

    Worrying sixty years didnt do any good. Did it?

    Jump in an RV and travel, like we are going to do :) Be daring. You earned it.

    Its your life now. Dont waste the rest if it. Life is short. It keeps getting shorter. They will have to live without us one day. Meanwhile have a blast!!

    you choose your life. your kids choose theirs even if you dont like the choices. LIVE!!!!
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  3. jodiehooks

    jodiehooks WEARY MOTHER

    I am really trying and it is better. I am very thankful to have people remind me, it does help.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If you lived near me, I'd pack you in our RV for a road trip ;)
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  5. jodiehooks

    jodiehooks WEARY MOTHER

    And I would go, I love RV road trips!!
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh the keeper of the "stuff", yes I too have done this. I kept a box of clothes that belonged to my son for 5 years. 5 YEARS!!!
    I always thought "he'll need these someday" I finally donated them to Goodwill.

    I agree with @SomewhereOutThere , it's time for you to live your life. Find something you enjoy, find something you used to enjoy but stopped because you became consumed with the chaos of your children. Or find that big RV and hit the road :p

  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Jodi,

    You may need counseling to help you to stop obsessing over your middle-aged kids.

    It has become a habit that is hard to break, after close to fifty years!

    Don't miss out on the rest of your life!

    Use your money to do something good for yourself. Your son needs to work his program in prison and your daughter needs to figure out her own life without any more help from her mom. If you continue to rescue them, they won't learn to do for themselves. And they are not in any better situation, despite all the money, time, effort, and worry that you have spent on their behalf.

    You know that saying--stop doing the same thing over and over and expect different results? That applies here.

    So, today, Jodi, is a new day. Do something different!
  8. jodiehooks

    jodiehooks WEARY MOTHER


    I took advise, went camping last weekend. Unfortunately I became sick with bronchitis, which is unusual for me, I am normally very healthy. However it gave me a little time to reflect. I know many of us have been raised in a home where there was chaos, and I am one of those people. I said this before in this forum, but I do not know what it is like to have a life without major serious anxiety. From young up, I have had so many family crises, causing me to never relax. I thought about that over the weekend, and understand that I am advised to just go live my life, but how in the world do you know how to do that all of a sudden at this age? And I am also aware that I am at an age where I am worrying about social security and medicare and money just to keep myself from failing. I guess I am saying that this is a skill I never acquired and am trying to realize, and at times can manage to have moments where it can be ok, but not totally, there is always that feeling that the other shoe is going to drop. So being relaxed and not having the monkey on my back for very long is hard. I find it very painful to accept my childrens plight. On a good note, for now anyway, difficult daughter is doing ok and I think I am able to let go of her, and realize she will have to manage her own health and wellness. It seems my son is my major issue and I am working on the way I see him. I am trying to realize that when he gets out, there will be opportunities and help (? from where I don't know). I do tend to catastrophize and so imagine that he will again be on the streets, helpless and in danger. Why do we do this? Well, anyway I am working on these things and know that it is not productive to think like that. Old habits die hard.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand your plight Jodie, at our age, after many, many years of chaos and drama, turning that around is a monumental task. It does become habitual. We've created neuro-pathways in our brains, like a new road, only it's the road of fear........I look at it like I have to create a new pathway in my brain, I have to bypass the fear and keep on going. To do that, I've had to become aware of how my thinking robs me of joy, how my thoughts can be detrimental to my own peace of mind. The thoughts create the feelings of doom, so changing the way I think has been the most beneficial thing I've done. It's like a runaway train, my own thoughts can take me on a ride I don't want to be on......so my way out of that is....get off the train.

    I had that childhood of fear and chaos too.......it's a lifelong issue and it has kept me stuck in the future trying to avert disaster...like you I've worked hard to change the patterning. I think it's a continuing work in progress where we use the tools we know that work.....for me those tools are staying right here in the present moment, not running in to the future trying to figure out how to control it and recognizing when those fear thoughts invade my mind and shifting them into gratitude. Elkhart Tolle and Pema Chodron have helped me with that. Books like The power of now & A New Earth by Tolle and Comfortable with Uncertainty and Places that scare you by Chodron.

    I do a lot to stay present in the moment, making sure I eat right, exercise, get enough sleep.....the basic things which many of us can miss when we are focused on others. Along with the basics, meditation, some kind of practice of mindfulness which suspends the overactive mind filled with fear thoughts, yoga, Tai Chi.....even a short break from the relentless thinking can do a world of good. For me, the overthinking is what brings me down so I do a lot to stop that. I think many of us who come from chaotic backgrounds share this trait.

    I'm glad your daughter is doing better.

    Hang in there Jodie.....one thing you can try anytime is to go on Youtube and search guided meditations for peace of mind, anxiety, worry.......listening to those can help to detach you from the fearful thinking....each little step makes a big difference.

    Sending you a hug......be very, very kind to yourself.
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It's like anything, you start slow, you start small. The first thing is to want to change. It's like someone who has never run, they start out walking, then jogging a little, then they start running and before you know it they are running a marathon.
    Find one thing that you like or something that you would like to try. Have you ever gone to one of those painting classes? They can be a lot of fun and you don't even have to know how to paint. Go for a walk in the park, feed the ducks. Rearrange your furniture. Buy yourself some flowers. Join a card club or start a card club.
    You start with little things to fill in where the chaos once was and as you go along you fill in more and more and before you know it the chaos will be replaced with much better things.
    Hang in there Jodie. You can get through this.
  11. jodiehooks

    jodiehooks WEARY MOTHER

    Tanya, you are right about doing those things. Actually I have a very full life, I play guitar and have many friends and am very active, excersizing, cooking, gardening and other fun stuff. I love my life, except for the pain of knowing my children do not have a good life. Always though, in the back of my mind, or in the evening when I am sitting watching television or relaxing, I agonize over the plight of a son whose life has been so damaged that at age 47 his chances to ever have what I consider a normal life, is now going to be a horrible journey. I know it is his fault, I understand that he is responsible and that his future is his, but parents suffer seeing the offspring struggle and fail. I often think of and wonder how mother/fathers of convicted murders like Jeffery Dhamer have managed to contain their grief. I guess in my obsession over him, my fears come out, like I wonder when he is released where and how he will live, and in my mind I see him still living in the shed, freezing, starving and alone. Since I joined this forum I am trying to turn that around and tell myself that there are other possibilities for him and that it could be that he will find resources that I have no knowledge of and manage to some degree to recover a life that would not be too bad. But there are good days and bad days. As I have said in prior posts, my history of obsessing comes from childhood, parents who created stress in the home, alcoholic living, depressed mother who never took control and allowed others to create a totally dysfunctional life. As a child I worried a lot, prayed a lot and when my prayers went unanswered I lost faith in people and God. I have always had problems with being tense and nervous. My children made it much worse as now I worry that I will have another death from lifestyle to deal with or have to be forced to stand by and watch them live on the streets. But as I said, I am trying to regain some form of belief that things can change and that I can let go and not feel that if I do, someone will die or starve or something terrible. I am very grateful for all the support I have found here and welcome all the comments even when I am being told stuff that is harsh, it does help to know others are out there who have suffered as well and understand. I have been sick for about a week and am trying to get over that and have not been able to post as much, but am feeling better today.