Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Honesty and common decency
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 111069" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>jt & at, </p><p></p><p>Welcome to the Board - Great place, WONDERFUL people, good food - and occasionally someone will just make you laugh. </p><p></p><p>I have spent the last 11 years trying to help my son change his stars. I, like you and your wife have done everything I could think to help him, put tools in his path to facilitate change. But I spent the LAST year in therapy learning how to detach from him. He's 17. </p><p></p><p>In my heart, he's a kid, a good hearted kid. He's bright, likes to make you laugh, cares for others. He loves his Mom, appreciates what his step-dad and myself have done for him, isn't bitter about his life or circumstances, and sees now that I have done without for a long time to put him where I thought he would get help and guidance. </p><p></p><p>In reality - he's a self-centered, narcissistic, ME first person, who could give a hang about me if I'm injured, knows how to manipulate people like no ones business, a petty thief, sneak, and NOTHING is ever good enough. Hes' NOT going to respect me, he's NOT going to respect my home, my life, my animals, my possessions - he's going all out for #1. And maybe some day I'll get a scrap. </p><p></p><p>So - with those realities in mind - I set about detaching from him. Detaching does NOT mean you stop loving and caring or praying for your kid. It just means you level the playing field a bit, stop enabling them, stop making excuses to the world for their behavior and choices, and go about making a life for you and your wife and the years you have left. </p><p></p><p>YES it stinks, YES INDEEDY it hurts, NO the pain doesn't go away fully. But every day from the 1st day you reclaim your life and vow not to be a victim of an ADULT child's antics and behaviors - YOU come closer to peace. </p><p></p><p>They have their own road to follow. They have their own mistakes to make, and if one of those mistakes is blowing you off after an expensive wedding - and you haven't after 3 years, a grandfather's death and the rest that you didn't post here? I encourage you and wife to find a therapist, and give it at least 5 months before you say "This isn't working" Tell the psychiatric specifically that YOU and wife need to learn HOW to detach from your difficult child. </p><p></p><p>It will be the BEST money you have spent - you will find out things about each other, and ways that ease the pain for the transition that was a choice she made. </p><p></p><p>We're also dealing with a similar situation with DF's grown 26 year old daughter. All I will say is "She IS her Mother's Daughter." (mom is schizophrenic) and she's raked my DF over the coals about a 3 year marriage that ended in divorce 23 years ago for the last Christmas, and the last grandchild too. </p><p></p><p>I get where you are coming from - we just found out about 3 1/2 year old granddaughter. </p><p></p><p>Hugs</p><p>Come here often , but seriously get some professional help about detaching from these kids - every penny you spend on it will be worth it. </p><p></p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 111069, member: 4964"] jt & at, Welcome to the Board - Great place, WONDERFUL people, good food - and occasionally someone will just make you laugh. I have spent the last 11 years trying to help my son change his stars. I, like you and your wife have done everything I could think to help him, put tools in his path to facilitate change. But I spent the LAST year in therapy learning how to detach from him. He's 17. In my heart, he's a kid, a good hearted kid. He's bright, likes to make you laugh, cares for others. He loves his Mom, appreciates what his step-dad and myself have done for him, isn't bitter about his life or circumstances, and sees now that I have done without for a long time to put him where I thought he would get help and guidance. In reality - he's a self-centered, narcissistic, ME first person, who could give a hang about me if I'm injured, knows how to manipulate people like no ones business, a petty thief, sneak, and NOTHING is ever good enough. Hes' NOT going to respect me, he's NOT going to respect my home, my life, my animals, my possessions - he's going all out for #1. And maybe some day I'll get a scrap. So - with those realities in mind - I set about detaching from him. Detaching does NOT mean you stop loving and caring or praying for your kid. It just means you level the playing field a bit, stop enabling them, stop making excuses to the world for their behavior and choices, and go about making a life for you and your wife and the years you have left. YES it stinks, YES INDEEDY it hurts, NO the pain doesn't go away fully. But every day from the 1st day you reclaim your life and vow not to be a victim of an ADULT child's antics and behaviors - YOU come closer to peace. They have their own road to follow. They have their own mistakes to make, and if one of those mistakes is blowing you off after an expensive wedding - and you haven't after 3 years, a grandfather's death and the rest that you didn't post here? I encourage you and wife to find a therapist, and give it at least 5 months before you say "This isn't working" Tell the psychiatric specifically that YOU and wife need to learn HOW to detach from your difficult child. It will be the BEST money you have spent - you will find out things about each other, and ways that ease the pain for the transition that was a choice she made. We're also dealing with a similar situation with DF's grown 26 year old daughter. All I will say is "She IS her Mother's Daughter." (mom is schizophrenic) and she's raked my DF over the coals about a 3 year marriage that ended in divorce 23 years ago for the last Christmas, and the last grandchild too. I get where you are coming from - we just found out about 3 1/2 year old granddaughter. Hugs Come here often , but seriously get some professional help about detaching from these kids - every penny you spend on it will be worth it. Star [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Honesty and common decency
Top