Hope the rest of the day goes better

[JJJ]

I'm just so disappointed in husband and my feelings are hurt.

My grandparents (age 91!) were the first ones to arrive yesterday, I am trying to finish getting lunch ready and husband basically ignores them (he says hi, sits in the same room and pulls out the paper). So, from 30' away, I'm rushing lunch and trying to hold a conversation with my hearing-impaired grandparents. I even kicked husband's chair to try and get him to be nice. When I said something to him, he denied ignoring them!

I know my inlaws must think I am a total shrew as they only see me a couple of times a year and Christmas Eve is the only time they usually see me for any significant length of time. By the time they get here, they are lucky their son's head is still attached.

Last year, husband just whined about having to buy me a present. So, fine, I bought my own and gave them to him to wrap. Come Christmas, one is missing, I find it under the couch, still in the shopping bag. So not only could he not be bothered to shop for me, he couldn't even show enough respect to wrap the darn things.

This year he asked for a specific list of what to do. I gave him an exact list (1) take the kids shopping, buy XYZ, emphasize the joy of giving (2) wrap gifts (3) get things for my stocking, put in stocking after the kids are in bed on Christmas Eve.

THANK GOD that my mom put a couple things in my stocking and I added something because he FORGOT....AGAIN. Next year, he gets coal. With the boys literal thinking (and Tigger still believing). an empty stocking for mom means she's a bad mom. (Tigger made a comment that because I was getting a nicely wrapped present, I must be a good mom.)

Christmas should be about joy and giving but husband always, every year, hurts my feelings. And the worst part is that he just doesn't get it.

 

[lovemysons]

Oh Gosh JJJ, Geez...

I am so sorry that "husband" is not doing his part at Christmas.
Sending you gentle hugs and YOU ARE A GOOD MAMMA...It's dad that's in question!
Definitely "coal" next year for husband.

Thinking of you this Christmas Morning,
Love,
LMS

 

[JJJ]

Thank LMS ((hugs))

 

[SRL]

Good morning JJJ. I'm so sorry he's been such a disappointment (translation: big jerk). My experience with males who have little regard for needs/wants is that in the long run it's been healthier for me to adjust expectations than to sit around waiting for them change. It means giving up some dreams and changing the way I do things, but the tradeoff is that I'm not faced with year after year of unmet expectations and disappointment.

Next year maybe do away with all stockings for adults, or just pick up what you really want and making your own nice stocking would be the way to go. If this problem has been going on for years, maybe totally release him from buying and wrapping for you (he'll be shocked and wonder what's going on!). I'm not saying it won't hurt, but perhaps it would help you get to a better place when it comes to facing an annual letdown from a man who doesn't get it, and apparently isn't showing any signs of wanting to try and get it. Just some food for thought served with gentle hugs.

Also, I want to mention a book to you and anyone else who is facing gift giving/receiving disappointments. Gary Chapman has written a book called The Five Languages of Love which talks about how people give and express love and how that plays out very differently for people. For some people gifts are a very important aspect of feeling and expressing care but for others they really aren't a big deal. We tend to express care int he methods we'd like it to be expressed to us and often we miss the mark. For example, gifts are really meaningful to my daughter but I don't really care all that much, especially at obligatory holidays like Christmas and birthdays. I truly won't care if I don't have a present under the tree today (not because I'm better, just wired up differently) but she would be devestated so I make the effort to find something that will be really special for her.

Here's the book. There's a version for parents and children as well.
Amazon.com: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate: Gary Chapman: Books

I hope the rest of the day goes better.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Merry Christmas and (((hugs))). I would definitely do coal next year!!!!

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{Hugs}}} Tigger is right... you are a very good mom. I think SRL is right... next year you let husband know that he relieved from getting/wrapping/placing gifts for you EXCEPT taking the kids to get something for you. You'll be happier.

And you deserve to be happy!

 

[buddy]

Coal is a funny thought! But I guess Tigger would think Dad is a bad dad so not a good idea in real life. I know he may not change, but in a couple weeks, over a private dinner, I would talk about it. Once some of the anger is gone. Just me, I would feel like he needed to know my feelings. What he did with that information, well nothing I could do about that, but at least I would honestly tell him that it is not about the gifts, it is about feeling so dismissed and taken advantage of, and even if that was not his intention, that is how it feels when such simple requests are ignored. Yup, that would really hurt my feelings too. Usually someone helps Q get something for me or at school he makes a card. This year, nothing at all. I did get lots of hugs though. That was a wonderful gift.

I am with you... hoping the day goes better! Wishing you a blessed Christmas day with family.

 

[JJJ]

After the miserable failure of his buying gifts for me (even after giving a very specific list, including the store names, he still messed up all but one gift (a shirt the piglet picked out). My main gift was suppose to be a bunch of beads so that I could make necklaces. Each kid was suppose to pick out a pendant for me. The ONE THING I asked him to be sure was to NOT get any plastic beads/pendants. Every single one is, yep, plastic. And the pendants from the kids are from the cheap plastic section -- and, of course, I don't want to hurt their feelinsg so now I have to figure out how to make a necklace with these guady baubles so that I can wear them and tell them how happy I am that they picked out such pretty things.

I've tried lowering my expectations. I've tried buying the gifts myself and just having him supervise the wrapping (no fun and he couldn't even handle that). Thank God for my mom. She had each kid pick out a few things for me from a "store" she set up in her basement. They were so excited to give me their stuff! I've already spoken with my mom and next year, I am just giving her the cash and she will take my kids shopping and help them pick out gifts for me. If husband wants to get me something from him, he can pay attention to me during the year and figure out a gift that would make me happy. If he can't be bothered, I'm not wasting any more hurt on it!!!

Of course, husband loves the gift I gave him and is already using it (a bluetooth keyboard and case for his iPad) and he was thrilled with the gift from my parents and grandparents (a garage door opener so he doesn't have to get out of his car to open the door every day -- our old one broke almost 2 years ago).

 

[ThreeShadows]

I'm sorry JJJ, they really are aliens. I've been married almost 40 years and he still is clueless about so many important things. We have spent multiple thousands in therapy, trying to get "IT" right. It's ironic that medications have helped more than talking therapy.

Many gentle hugs!

 

[buddy]

So those of you who own one of those male partners? Do guys like this really not see at all that while they are getting fantastic gifts, their wife/girlfriend/partner is sitting there with nothing from them? Or do they just not want to admit they goofed up...have to save face. I am sorry JJJ, I know you are saying you are going to let it go but I can imagine it does smack a little. I am sure he loves you in his own way but it would be nice if he could show it from your perspective as you did for him with the keyboard.

 

[DammitJanet]

I think some of them just dont see it. I have been telling Tony that I want this particular ring for the last 8 years. It is the forever ring. It is the one that has the three diamonds in a row that stand for yesterday, today and tomorrow. I dont expect a huge ring. Just a small one that might cost two or three hundred. Jamie got one for Billie and they havent been married 5 years! I was so ****** off when I saw that he had got her that ring, you cannot imagine. I showed Tony that ring and practically blew a gasket at him. The entire trip home from Jamies house I ranted to him about that ring. 5 hours!

Tony's answer is that he doesnt believe in jewelry anymore because years ago he got me this ring at a rock store we went to and he bought me a ring and I didnt wear it. Ummm, it was made out of nickle that turned my finger green and the stone was an uncut rock that hadnt gone through all the processes to make them pretty stones. I think you know those rock shows.

Now I dont get really wow gifts for him but I try to get gifts he will use and like. Last year I got him this commercial grade meat grinder he had been begging for. Along with some jeans that were flannel lined and some warm shirts for work. This year he had been telling me he needed coveralls for work and some of these new pants that are made from firehoses. I also got him some sweat shirts that have references to deer hunting on them and a warm hat.

I get one thing that I had to specifically tell him and it didnt cost him much. It was blue tooth head set. Now this one was a special but he could have thought of at least something else. I think I am gonna start talking now...lol.

 

[JJJ]

I'm sorry JJJ, they really are aliens. I've been married almost 40 years and he still is clueless about so many important things. We have spent multiple thousands in therapy, trying to get "IT" right. It's ironic that medications have helped more than talking therapy.

Many gentle hugs!

I really wish husband would try medications but he doesn't see the problem.

He also took the "pendants" that the kids picked out for me, put "To JJJ From Piglet" etc on them and PUT THEM IN MY STOCKING.

a) the kids don't call me JJJ, they call me MOM
b) stockings are from Santa and we still have a child who believes
c) in the chaos of the day we didn't open our stockings until after the kids were in bed, so the whole point of pick out something special for mommy was lost as they didn't even see me open them

 

[JJJ]

husband did better at my sisters. He actually volunteered to help and peeled all the potatoes. We also forgot some stuff at home and he ran back and got it without fussing at me. He also didn't try and get us to leave early. He knows he screwed up. I think he truly, truly does not comprehend what he is suppose to do.

While he has no diagnosis, never needed one as he is very smart, he has some strong Asperger traits even though he probably wouldn't qualify for the full label. Probably why he really gets Eeyore.