Hoping for some clarity........

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by swilliamson79, Sep 20, 2010.

  1. Background: I grew up with a much older brother whom was ADHD, whom by the time I was in 3rd grade - he was living in the states coustdy casue he kept breaking the law and went the juvienal jail.
    Also my husband is difficult child stepdad, but husband is easy child bio dad.


    Well it's been a rough start to the school year again. Thinigs were going well at first then we started the downhill slide. It is the little things (always little things) and have been becoming more frequant. We have tried so many different things to correct behavior and nothing has worked but spanking. (I know that is a big debate too) anyway, my difficult child was spanked twice last week tues and thur I belive. Then he decided on Friday to call child proctective services again on us. He tells them that he got our permission to call and the we stated he needed them to pick him up cause he wasnt safe to go home. He told them that I said if they didnt take him and he came home i would spank him. WTF!!!!!!! Needless to say after the embarrissing trip to the school and stuff we has released to us. Only for the Child protective services to tell him it wasnt against the law to be spanked. Needless to say he went home with my parents.

    Now this is the second time CPS have investagated us with my difficult child and both times found nothing wrong. Last year we had the cop find him walking along the road to go to walmart to buy a video game.

    Over the past two years the lies have become more often ( to the point I dont ever belive hes telling the truth) and have become more complex lies. He's making up whole stories and tells them to everyone and they belive him. To the point he is make us look like terriable parents.

    With the recent events that have happened on Friday, I gave him the option to live with his bio dad or come home. He choose home, I stated the the rules wont change and I wont stop inforcing them. I got him into his psycharist tomorrow evening.

    Heres where I am having a hard time. These are my feelings and only my feelings.
    I feel that I shouldnt have to let my house fall apart cause some little boy wants to make up lies and state to complete stranges that he is being beatened at home. My husband and I have talked about sperating until difficult child is an adult. husband states if he leaves he will take easy child with him, so she doesnt have to go through all the unstability of difficult child and his behaviors. We wouldnt be getting divorced and would still spend time together as a family. Kinda like dating...... or difficult child bio dad said he could live with him (which we are meeting with him today and talk about difficult child and his behaviors) and which I feel ok with. I would also again remain in his life and spend time with him. I just feel like Im being punished for something, I just want my little boy back......the one whom used to be happy and liked me
     
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hello and welcome!

    Our difficult child too, is the most abused child on the planet. She has told teachers, other parents and the police that we keep her locked in a closet, beat her with chains, hit her until she passes out...etc.

    Our defense has been to make ourselves known to other parents, teachers, neighbors, school administrators and our local police. And because these folks know us, they are able to shake their heads at difficult child's stories. Last year, a cop told her she'd best thank her lucky stars for the parents she had and start towing the line regarding school and home. His lecture didn't help - but at least he never bothered to investigate the abuse stories or make a call to CPS. He knew difficult child was lying.

    I think with these kids, that's all you can do...
     
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    What has your son been diagnosed with? Is he on any medications? If so, are the medications making things better, worse or about the same?

    You can argue all the merits of spanking in the world, but is it really working if your son keeps getting into trouble? And I won't make any bones about it that I'm not a believer in spanking because all it teaches the child is that might equals right. Furthermore, where does "spanking" end and "beating" begin?

    Have you read The Explosive Child? It might be a better way to approach things than spanking.
     
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome.
    Boy, does your story sound familiar! You will have lots of company here.
    I will give you one bit of advice: if something doesn't work, don't keep doing it. You'll just get the same results. So, forget spanking. It's not working.
    It's just making difficult child call soc svcs.
    Use a carrot and a stick. He was walking to WalMart to get a video game? With what money? Is he stealing the money? Lock up everything. Your bedroom door, the desks, etc. Do you allow him to play video games or watch TV? You can lock those up as well. He has to earn their use. He will rage but if you stick to your guns, he will get used to it.
    I would also get a better assessment of him. I realize you are seeing a psychiatrist, but make sure s/he specializes in pediatric issues, as well as other issues such as Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)/autism.
    I don't know what to say about your spouse and daughter ... I understand the stress, but I think your son needs two parents. Just my 2 cents worth.
     
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, one more thing. Read The Manipulative Child.
    It will make you angry, because it talks about avoidance and how you learn to tolerate lying and rages just to get some peace for yourself, but in the end, the authors are right. It's a great book.
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It really sounds like you need a break from him. difficult children can wear you down and damage relationships and other children to an amazing degree. If he can live with his father for a while it might be a very good thing. Just make sure you stay involved. At age 10 this is not a decision that he should be allowed to make - where he lives should be decided by the parents. Kids should have input when they are mature enough to start understanding all of the complications of the decision, but most courts will say that age 10 is too young to make that decision, at least long term anyway.

    Has he ever had a complete neuropsychologist evaluation to figure out exactly what is going on with him? I strongly recommend this because there is likely to be a lot more going on than adhd. Most of us started out with an adhd diagnosis and later learned that adhd is a symptom of many other conditions. You can find neuropsychologists at children's hospitals and major university hospitals.

    I strongly recommend reading "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Fay and Cline. You can learn more about it at www.loveandlogic.com .
     
  7. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    If biodad has no younger children in his home, that may be the best option for everyone. The lies to CPS really bug me (due to Kanga, we had CPS out here 3 times in one year - one FULL investigation where they called everyone who ever met us and two mini-investigations, all unfounded but very stressful).
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would get a neuropsychologist evaluation. Sounds like a lot more than ADHD to me. Kids don't get born being bad. Usually they act out because they are frustrated and know they are different and are not getting the right kind of help. It can be a cry for help. Did you ex have any undiagnosed psychiatric or neurological problems (or do you suspect)? He may be gone but his genes live on in his son and influence his ability to act in a socially acceptable manner. Get the private neuropsychologist evaluation and I think you will find some answers.

    I also think you should stop the spanking. I mean, how hard was it and was it just a slap over his bottom or a beating to a bare butt? At any rate, he is ten and pretty soon a spanking will be moot...older kids don't respond to that and may hit back. I've seen it. And if they do, the parent who started it is also blamed and it becomes domestic violence, at least in our state.

    Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2010
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