Hoping PE Parents will Help...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DaisyFace, Jun 8, 2011.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

  2. compassion

    compassion Member

    DF, In my experience, boundaries and detatchment is what I find I need for ME. I find I must look at what are my responsibities and do those to the best of my ability.Examples include what I could honestly afford to pay for food. Keeping her in school (online classes) was huge for me so I made sure she was doing a bit each day. medication adherence for her has also been huge. My difficult child has not lived at home since she was 15 and I found she wanted the perks of a loving devoted family without following the rules. I had to get very clear and still do about my time and money boundaries. She finds other enablers including dad and brother but I am taking care of myself a lot better. I am currently pretty exhausted and need to keep implementing those self-care boundaries. They include times I am available on the phone, I am very clear about money boundaries, and what I can do, like give rides.
    My daughter is day 26 clean and sober (drug test this Friday). She has been working 8 days now. She is finshing up high school. I am emotionally and physically exhausted and I need to honor that. I no longer try to expalin to others including t-docs but look for people that can validate and support me and my limits.
    Helps have been Al-anon, FA (online), CABF (online), Nami, and my church (for general faith support: I do not share details). I have a t-doctor I talk to once a month that is for me. She has been with our family for 3 years. I try to take really good care of myself, get enough rest, get chiro adjustments, and massages and have time for myself. Compassion
     
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hmmm well in my humble opinion stripping her bedroom at age 16 will probably only infuriate her more and push her to this other mom's house. We have a neighbor who allowed difficult child to come htere and stay anytime she wanted to get away from us. She stayed there two months when we kicked her out in February and she drank and smoked pot every day and never went to work or class. She ended up losignher job, flunking out of community college, and begging us to come home. She is now in a sober home and has been there for two months. This family has interefered in our family too many times. Just last week we called the police to report their son ringing our doorbell and banging on the door in the middle of the night. If this family wants to let her live there fine, but then they can deal with the fallout.

    But your difficult child is underage. This mom has no right to interfere. If you dont; mind her staying there a day or two to cool off, fine. But if it were me I would call this mom and explain that you do not want difficult child using this as a way to be irresponsible.

    Nancy
     
  4. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    What Compassion has said SOUNDS RIGHT TO ME!
    Set up boundaries and limits.
    However, since she is 16, I'm not sure what the law says regarding your rights and it would be wise for you to know. Do you have a legal representative you can double check with?
    If drugs are involved, you can also ask about the Marchman Act. This will mandate her to get drug treatment and it might be a la the gov't....free of charge. It will literally force her to go.
    Yes, I would consider striping her room down to the basics and provide her with essentials. Determine the necessities like food, shelter, clothing, education, doctor's visits and medication.
    I would NOT give her an allowance with the POSSIBLE exception of a small allowance IF AND ONLY IF she does something very much needed and very much defined in the home. If it is not done or done in a half.... way, then DON'T reward her with money.
    All of this will be up to you. Super duper hard to enforce, but my guess, super duper important that it IS enforced.
    I would make certain things a requirement to live in the home: no drugs, no breaking the law, a reasonable curfew, no cursing or threatening, school or GED preparation class followed by the test.
    Do this in a calm manner. If she can't abide by the rules, you can suggest that she find another place of residence. You might consider writing this all up in a form of a contract and have her sign it. Tell her that you would like her to live in the house....which comes with not only the necessities of life, but certain "extras," like maybe cell phone, computer and TV. TEll her, if she can't abide by the rules and choses to act inappropriately, then she choses to break the deal.
    As appropriate...PLEASE take her to see the doctor and see if she might need medication and/or birth control if you have not done so already. Consider taking her to a therapist (but only if she is willing to go, etc.)
    I would help with medical issues and necessities of life if she is at your home.
    Try to get your emotions out of this...I do think it is likely to be of some help.
    Love the idea of YOU getting support from FA, NAMI and the like.
     
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think birth control would be something I would be willing to pay a difficult child for. Not the pill because it is way too easy to skip one or take them at the wrong time (if you don't take them at the same time every day, within about a 1 hour window, the pill currently in use is too low a dose to be effective. 1 hour oversleeping or forgetting could result in a child is too big a risk to take, in my opinion.)

    Maybe offer her twenty or fifty bucks to get the depo shot every three months. If she is late getting the next shot the amt is cut by ten bucks a week until she gets it might be a good arrangement/incentive. It would be a lot cheaper than raising a grandchild, paying difficult child's hospital bills and doctor bills, and a whole lot less worry and conflama for YOU.

    I would strip the room to make it someplace she does not want to return to. I would also make the rules, and insist that if she is not living in your house every night then she must call before coming over and be very polite while she is there. No taking ANYTHING with-o asking as it is no longer her home, no dropping in, no showing up under the influence of anything, respectful behavior and if you say it is a bad time then she cannot come over.

    Whether you drag her back or allow her to stay with the other family, take her house key away. It would be very tempting when she is angry with you to come over and steal or vandalize. It would also be easy to come in with friends when you are not home and to rob you blind. You have to make sure she has a place to live. even if she lives with you she does NOT have to have a house key.

    Make SURE the other mother does NOT allow her to drive and does NOT sign for her to get temps or anything else. because as her custodial parents, if she has an accident it would be YOUR liability not this other mother's. Whatever happens, communicate your wishes and intentions to this other mother face to face and follow up with a letter sent return receipt requested. Then file that receipt away so that if something happens and they try to blame you,.then you can say No, we agreed to this and you had written notice of the agreement. In the letter put a clause that says if she does not contact you with changes/problems or refusal to accept difficult child living with her within thirty days of the receipt of the letter than the agreement is in force. This will protect you legally from the mom saying she didn't know or didn't agree. A court will say she could have changed it or declined the responsiblity but chose not to by not contacting you.
     
  6. april1974

    april1974 New Member

    I'm not sure I'm a Warrior Mom, but I do have a daughter that took us for a roller coaster ride for 4 long years! I responded more in your link.
     
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Thank you so much for weighing in on this one!

    Compassion--

    You make an excellent point...I hadn't thought about boundaries and doing what is best for ME (and the rest of the family) - but I think you're right. That should be a priority.

    Nancy--

    Yes, this woman is "interfering". Luckily, she does have a few standards - her house is not a "flop house".

    Nomad--

    I like the idea of signing a contract before she even thinks about coming home. And no worries - she has the birth control implant.

    Susie--

    Birth control - check. No house key - check. And as far as learner's permit goes? She cannot get it unless a parent signs AND provides proof of insurance. Once an underage teen has a permit or driver's license, the parent has the right to revoke it at any time, for any reason - they simply notify the state that the teen no longer has the parent's permission to drive.
     
  8. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    If she's staying there, no coming home at all. None of this abuse toward you or the other family members. When she has her few days to cool off..then she can come back, none of this in and out, then you set the rules. She can earn her allowance, or she doesn't get money. Don't give her ANY while she's at her friends' house.
    And she will expect things like her "stuff", so she'll want to come back. Don't let her until she's back to stay. Don't make things easy for her...there needs to be a new sheriff in town or this will happen over and over again. Set stricter rules, whatever rules were in place...well, now there are consequences, now things are even tougher. Her job at her age is to go to school, no more running off to a friends house where she can "par-tay" and do as pleases. Or she will do this next year, never graduate possibly and ruin some good chances.
    Don't ler her back or give her anything. She'll hate that. And won't want a repeat. I would have a "discussion" with that mom, this is an underage child.
     
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