Hoping That He Learned A Lesson

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Bunny, Aug 9, 2012.

  1. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    difficult child never does well when I spring things on him, so I told him yesterday morning that his Gram and I were planning on taking him and easy child to the beach today. He said that was a great idea. After I got home from football practice with difficult child around 8:00 pm I reminded him that we were going to the beach.

    Then the tantrum started.

    We were going too early in the day (which he had been told him the morning and said that it was fine with him, but suddenly he's not happy about the time?). Why doesn't anyone think about his needs when plans are made. I'm not going because no one thinks about me. easy child says that he still wants to go, so I told difficult child that if he refused to go that was fine, but I was still going to take easy child, which made him angrier. "So you're picking easy child over me - AGAIN!!" I tried to explain to him that I wasn't picking one over the other. He is choosing not to go when he is more than welcome to come. Then he tries to switch tactics. He tells me that I have to make one of my kids unhappy - which one is it going to be? I told him that there have been many times when Zach was the one who was disappointed because he was throwing a fit, or refused to do something and maybe it was his turn to be disappointed so that he knew how it felt (all the while he's screaming at me, and I'm doing my best not to lose my cool and yell back because I know that makes things worse).

    Apparently, seeing that he was getting nothing out of me, he then turned on easy child. The two boys like to have "sleepovers" in each others rooms and they were going to sleep in difficult child's room last night, so he decided that because easy child was choosing the beach over him, then he won't let easy child sleep in his room. Now, he's in in room, door locked and I hear him screaming and throwing things. I go downstairs and call my mother in law and she suggested going a little later in the day. I hear difficult child come down the stairs while I'm on the phone with her and I asked him if we left a little later, say around 11:00 am, would that be better for him. He agrees and all seems to be right in his world.

    He gets up this morning and picked up right where he left off. Now because we're going later, which means that we're getting home later and going right in the midde of the day messes his whole day up. This was a 7:00 am, so I wanted to throttle him. I got up, showered, dressed, and he's still carrying on. Finally I turned to him and said, "difficult child, what is your problem? You were very happy about going to the beach yesterday when I first told you about it. You had a fit about the time, so Gram and I rearranged our plans to make you happy, and you're still complaining! What's the problem? Do you not want to go?"

    Finally he admitted to me that he really didn't want to go to the beach, but didn't want to tell me that because he thought I would be angry with him. I was calm, but really I was so angry with him. I've been realy lax with him over the summer about stuff like this. I have not made him to places where he didn't have to go. I asked him why he thought I would force him to go to the beach, because all that would do is make is a miserable trip for everyone because he would get bored (which is why he said he didn't want to to go) and then start harrassing me about when could we go home.

    So, he decided to stay home, and told easy child that he was going to stay home but that mom and Gram were still going to take him if he wanted to go, which of course, he did.

    I told him that if he had just TALKED to me and told me that he didn't want to go he would have saved all of us alot of grief and aggravation starting the night before.

    All I can do is hope that he learned a lesson from this.
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Aaaargh! I agree, all he had to do was talk with-you. These kids ... Sigh.
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Frustrating! Glad you were able to get to the bottom of things.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Had to go back and read your signature...
    He has a diagnosis of "anxiety disorder".
    Any chance of some secondary depression thrown in there? Because... that tends to cut into communication, which compounds problems really fast.
  5. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    That sounds so familiar! difficult child 1 thinks he knows what's going to happen so he acts a certain way. When the REAL reason comes out (usually in a blurt in the middle of a meltdown), I simply tell him thank you for telling me and react in a way he doesn't expect no matter how I would have normally reacted. Does that make sense? I want to teach him to simply tell me the real reason but I am also trying to teach him that he's frequently wrong when he predicts without coming right out and pointing out he's wrong because that makes things worse. Not sure if that would work with your difficult child but just thought I'd throw it out there.
  6. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    He said that he knew all along that he didn't want to go, but was afraid to tell me because he thought that I would be mad at him about it because I made the plans to go. But I told him that I made plans to go to the beach because I thought he wanted to go. Once he got that I was not going to be mad at him about it, he was fine with my taking easy child and allowing him to stay home.

    Tedo, that's what I was hoping to do, but in my own way. I want him to understand that he can talk to me about things without fear that I'm going to be angry at him. I would rather him tell me that he doesn't want to do something, rather than take a sulky teen who will make the outing miserable for everyone. Then I WILL be angry!