Horrible day

[Kjs]

I was home sick. difficult child got up, as he walked by me(cleaning) he said, I am going across the street. I said WAIT. You just got out of bed. It would be nice if you could stay home for a little bit. And that was it. We both lost it, non stop for hours. He can make me cry with the hurtful things he says. I do reply with things I shouldn't. I asked him to clean his room and he threw a fit. I asked him to go over his homework with me...that was a disaster. He told me I was stupid and I don't know what I am looking at. However I looked in the book through the chapter and I can guarantee he did every single one wrong. He has 6 missing assignments. He turned three in but was given two back because he answered yes and no to problems that did not have yes or no answers.?????
He will not look over his work. He will not look at the book. Just tells me I am stupid. And easy child stands up for him.

I asked him every day last week to bring home his green folder. I asked for it yesterday. He said it is in dad's car. NOT.

I finally just told him to write down all the things he hates about me because I can't stand to hear them come out of his mouth anymore.

I went to the doctor. I had this little cough going on for a long time. Not bad just there. Finally Sunday night my chest hurt so bad I couldn't stand it.
Doctor said My lungs are full of fluid. Bronchitis for the least, more on the side towards pneumonia. Had a temp. Just wiped out.

Had him look at my knee that has been bothering me. I can walk and it doesn't hurt if my leg is straight. Cannot kneel and can't even touch it when it is bent. He said bursitis(?)..He laughed and said "housewive's knee". That should explain it. I am always cleaning.

I had every intention of going to work last night. It is our busy night. But I woke up early and was feeling even worse. I am hoping the medicine kicks in and starts working soon. I would like to feel better by the weekend.

How is it that I am actually afraid for difficult child to get up today. He hates his house, he hates me. I saw his cell phone. He had messages from about 6 different kids asking if he was ok. Two kids said "you can live here". Another said, "***, what is with her". So I am sure he texted everyone he knew and told them everything is my fault. sigh.

 

[smallworld]

K, when my son entered high school, we decided not to involve ourselves any longer in his schoolwork. It's his job, his responsibility, his life. Once we made that decision, all the tension in our house went out the window. And husband and I feel a whole lot better about ourselves and our relationship with our son.

Like your son, mine is very bright, but anxiety and depression get in the way of his making progress. He's definitely failing some courses, but it's not my problem. When he decides to access therapy and learn better coping skills beyond avoidance, he will begin to make progress. Again, it's his job, his responsibility, his life.

Feel better soon.

 

[crazymama30]

K, I think that smallworld hit it on the head. When kids are younger we need to stay on top of them to do homework. He is old enough to know the consequences, and I would give him nothing more than a simple reminder. Hugs, and hope you feel better soon

 

[jbrain]

I am in total agreement with Smallworld but I feel like you don't take our advice into account at all. We keep telling you to let him be responsible for his own homework and suffer the consequences but you never respond--it's fine if you don't want that advice, just let us know so we don't keep suggesting it over and over.

Sorry for your horrible day, it does sound awful!

Jane

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Kjs,

I hope the medications kick in soon and you're feeling better!!! It is tough enough dealing with an out of control difficult child - It is so much harder being sick at the same time...

I used to be involved in difficult children's school work. Then, after a very rough period, difficult child 1's therapist suggested that I take care of issues at home, let the teachers handle issues at school. For us, this turned out to be excellent advice. I couldn't do it all - Something had to give. Not having to deal with homework issues made our lives so much easier...

From personal experience, I found that the best thing I can do when things are really rough, is to ignore as much of my difficult children's behavior as possible. I will not argue with them as this only fuels the fire. Believe me, I learned this the HARD way!!! difficult child 1 enjoys, actually loves, a good argument. He lives for chaos. When it doesn't happen, he backs off, not always quick enough, but at least he retreats... He'll actually tell me that I'm "no fun."

It sounds like you really need a break from your difficult child. If you do something you enjoy just for you, it'll make dealing with your difficult child a bit easier. Nothing is worse than not being appreciated and having to take care of everyone and everything around you 24/7.

Just know, I'm thinking of you... Hugs... WFEN

 

[Andy]

The messages to/from "friends" remind me of Diva. She has got EVERYONE buffaloed into thinking that I am the worst mom in the world. It frustrates me when the parents of her friends seem to be involved in this thinking. She tells me that these "adults" agree with her that I am crazy. I have one adult who is encouraging her to purchase a plane ticket to fly to FL (from MN) to ride back with a friend (boy) who she really has a crush on but they are "just friends". This person says, "Oh, that is a great idea for you." Wonder how she will react when her young daughter is 18 and wants to do the same?

If adults would spend more time supporting the parents, these kids would find it easier to look for respect instead of more critism. Instead of, "Oh, poor girl" they should reply, "Your parents know what they are doing. You may not like it now but stick in there and try to work it out."

I am sorry you are not feeling well. When you are in pain, everything else is harder to tolerate.

Get better soon.

 

[aeroeng]

Back in my single days, when I had freedom, I took flying lessons. My flying instructor told me that there is only one person responsible for your happiness and that is you. Not your parents, not your husband, no employer or teacher, you and only you. Remembering this helps me a lot when difficult child gets like yours.

There is nothing I can do too insure he has a happy life. He must take the responsibility and the consequences, not me. I can provide opportunities, support, help, advice, medical attention, nagging ect. But, I can not control it. We also have issues related to homework. husband and I developed an approach together.

We will:
- Remind him daily to do it
- Set aside a special time and place for it
- Provide rewards for good grades
- Help him when he asks for it
- Offer help when he dose not ask for it
- Pay for a tutor if needed and effective

We won't:
- Continue nagging when it falls on deaf ears
- Make a huge deal of it
- Take responsibility for it. (That belongs to difficult child)

If he gets a bad grade, he gets a bad grade. We did all we could, and I know that.

difficult child can also say the most horrible things. He can be a vile, nasty, rude monster, and try as I might, that hurts. It is not fair. Wish I could make it better for both of us. I do hope your health comes back quickly. It is tough dealing with a difficult child when you can't breath.

 

[ML]

KJS,
We love you! Try to detach a little. You're a great mom.
ML

 

[1 Day At a Time]

KJS,

I want to second ML. You are a great Mom , and we do love you. It's going to help you tremendously to detach. So many things are out of our control as mothers - and homework is one of those things , especially when difficult children are past puberty. I suggest being available if he needs you and passing the baton on to him.

Get better soon! I sending gentle hugs.

Valerie

 

[KTMom91]

Around here, homework is solely Miss KT's problem. She only had to fail one class in order to get it together. The consequence of repeating that class plus taking PE at 6 am, scampering around on the field in the foggy cold, made a positive impression. If she asks for help, and behaves like a decent human being, I'm happy to help. Otherwise, she's SOL.

You can't fix everything, and you're going to end up in the hospital or worse if you don't start detaching. Pneumonia is no joke. And who really cares what his little friends say?

Please start taking care of you.

 

[TerryJ2]

Feel better! You need to take care of yourself.

 

[C.J.]

Here's something I learned from the "Love and Logic" series that was some of the best money I ever spent:

Child: "My homework is done. I don't need to study for the math test. My science project isn't due for three more weeks. There's only one F on my progress report, I can bring up my grade by the end of the semester. WHAT! They failed me - those teachers lost all my homework. There were "trick" questions on that test. I DID TO put in a lot of thought on that science project! Blah blah blah..."

Parent: "Good news! The school will be having classes for your grade again next year!"

At some point, especially by the time any of our kids are in high school, the responsibility must shift from teachers and parents to the teenage student. We need to provide the opportunity and support for the education, while the teenage student must provide the willingness to do the work.

Detachment here works wonders, too.

 

[Wiped Out]

Kjs,
I know how hard it is to detach over homework. Interestingly, I've never had a problem detaching from hw with difficult child. easy child is the one I have difficulty detaching but I'm doing it now about 90% of the time and it's true, the tension leaves. I figure, at this point, it's her responsibility. Don't get me wrong, I still get frustrated (the other 10% of the time) but I'm working on it.

I sure hope you are feeling better soon. Gentle hugs.

 

[Kjs]

Thank you all for your support. I do listen. Every single time. I take all of your advice to heart. I struggle because therapist(whom I really like) tells me to let him face consequences on issues that will not negatively affect him. However, School WILL negatively affect him and he tells me I need to stay on top of it. I try, then I just get burnt out and I stay out of it. It becomes an up and down situation. difficult child whines about school every single day. What bothers me the most - the absolute most is the fact that he lies to me. I think he honestly believes that HE should not have to do homework.

I am sorry if I complain of the same things. Don't think for a minute that I do not think about each and every reply. I do. I try to be strong like you all are. I think of you and wonder a lot what you would do in this situation. (you meaning everyone).

I wish I had your strength. And every time I read a reply, my strength grows. Hopefully one day I'll be as strong as all of you. In the meantime, I am trying.

 

[gcvmom]

I'm so sorry you're not feeling so good. And I'm sorry he's being such a toad. Blah.

Right now I think you just need to get yourself healthy and let go a little bit of difficult child's carp for now. His toadiness will still be there for you to deal with when you've got more strength and energy. Unfortunately.

((((HUGS))))

 

[jbrain]

I know you really like the therapist but do you think his advice is right when he says to let difficult child face consequences on things that won't affect him negatively? I think with our difficult children it is absolutely necessary for them to face negative consequences. My dtr's therapist says to "validate but don't compensate." He says to validate her feelings but don't change the situation for her. In this case it would mean validating her feelings that she hates homework, she can't do it, she can't turn it in, whatever her feelings are about it. Nevertheless, she will fail the classes if she doesn't do the homework--that's just a fact--no need for me to get upset or nag--it is what it is. I could say something like, "gosh, it really hoovers that you hate doing homework and that you feel you have to lie about it" and then let the consequences take effect. I can even sympathize with her that she failed the class--must be so frustrating, etc.

We too had a therapist for difficult child 1 who encouraged us to make all sorts of concessions to difficult child instead of putting the responsibility right back on her. difficult child had the therapist wrapped around her finger and also had the therapist convinced she might not be able to ever live independently. The therapist pretty much had us coddling difficult child because of her emotional problems. Now I know that there are plenty of tdocs who don't know what they are doing and I would follow my own gut. I used to think because they were the professionals that they had to know more than me.

I'm sorry if I made you feel bad--I don't mean to add to your problems! Hope you have a better day today and I hope someone else will respond who is better at expressing their thoughts!
Jane

 

[timer lady]

kjs,

When a therapist (that is no longer under our employ) insisted that we keep on top of school things for the tweedles we finally had to put our foot down. We informed him that the 10 minutes of homeword assigned wasn't worth the hours of tantrums (wm) & 5 hours of meltdown (kt) every single night & that husband & I refused to continue.

kt & wm's consequence wasn't about the grade - they didn't care; to this day they seldom care. It was about losing field trips, recess time, gym. Whatever was "fun" to them.

difficult child is himself negatively impacting his education along with his relationship with you. Is this really worth it?

Take care of yourself - sounds like you need more than one night off work to recover.

 

[Josie]

While failing in school obviously has a negative consequence, unless you think he will just not finish high school, I don't think it will ruin his life. He might not get into the college you prefer, but if he gets himself together, he could still get a college degree and job, etc. If he still needs you to supervise his homework, how will he do in college anyway? If you plan to supervise him in college or if you don't think he will go to college, how will he do at a job without you? It's better to face the negative consequence now than later when it will matter more.

I don't mean this to be harsh. These are just some thoughts I had about difficult child 1 when she had a bad grade last fall from not doing her homework. I have never had to supervise her homework and didn't want to start when she was in the 7th Grade. In her case, we ended up offering a financial incentive for all A's that was large enough to get her motivated to do her work. There wasn't an underlying reason for her not doing her homework. She just didn't see the need to do it when she could still get "good enough" grades without doing it.

I have found a tutoring place for difficult child 2 that helps with study skills and organization. She goes 2x weekly and can bring homework there. They gave planners to the others in her group and will help the kids stay on top of their assignments. The goal is to teach them how to do this not just monitor them. Maybe your difficult child would benefit from something like this, too.

 

[DaisyFace]

KJS--

What struck me about your post was your opening line:

"Wait, difficult child. It would be nice if you could stay home for a bit.".

I may be way off-base here, but it sounds as though you have put so much of yourself and your sense of self-worth into your role as a mother, that you need the children and their attention and approval in order to feel good about yourself. That's why difficult child is able to hurt you as badly as he does--his approval has become too important to you.

And as far as texting to friends---I'm sure that we ALL complain to our friends about somebody who is frustrating us....and the answer we are looking for is not "Yea, but they're right and you're wrong"--we look for our friends to agree with our point of view. So forget about the text messages....those are his friends and they are going to stand by him because that's what friends do.

As to the homework--are you really pushing the homework because it is important to him? or because it is important to you? And if it is not important to him now--how will your reminders and staying on top of it make it important to him?

I think you have gotten yourself into a bad habit with difficult child...and it has given him way too much power over your emotions, your state of mind, and your sense of well-being.

While you are re-cuperating from pheumonia (poor thing!!)...take some time to be SELFISH! For your own good!! Then we you are feeling better, get your focus off of being a good Mom and re-direct your attention toward something broader....such as being a good citizen...or being more active in your church....or something like that. It will do wonders for your self-esteem.

Feel better!

--DaisyF

 

[lizzie09]

quote:::::::

I may be way off-base here, but it sounds as though you have put so much of yourself and your sense of self-worth into your role as a mother, that you need the children and their attention and approval in order to feel good about yourself. That's why difficult child is able to hurt you as badly as he does--his approval has become too important to you. .....................

I hope you are having a better day KJS.
I would be guilty of the above not with my difficult child but with one of my PCs
and he does manage to hurt me badly. Back off if you can....not easy at all to do..I know. I do so understand what you are going through
look after yourself..