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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 35976" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I know you're trying really hard, Kjs. The thing is, he's hit the typical teen stage to add it on top of everything else. </p><p></p><p>I'm wondering - it's fairly common for a lot of us, that our kids are worst for those they feel safest with. He's angry, he's depressed, he feels overwhelmed by everything that goes wrong around him (and when you're on the edge of adolescence, that's EVERYTHING - multiply it by anything from 10 to 100 for difficult child factor). But you have had a history of being close. he knows you love him unconditionally. part of him is testing that, part of him is using that (not necessarily in a deliberate way).</p><p></p><p>You talk about him lying - try to analyse what sort of lies. The "I didn't do it" category, such as when his 'friends' trashed things, or he says he's done his homework properly when he hasn't - are very different to more serious lies such as "my teacher is molesting me." I'm not saying that some lies are acceptable and others aren't, but if you have some understanding of why and when they're likely to lie, it's easier to put a stop to it by simply catching them out. Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids can generally lie with "I didn't do it" but they're really bad at lying with, "the bus driver said I was his best-behaved passenger, he wants to nominate me for an award."</p><p>Now I know your difficult child doesn't have a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) label, he has a BiPolar (BP) label, but there are similar distinctive characteristics. And I believe one of them is lying. </p><p>You need to ask yourself - is he lying to get himself out of possible trouble? or is he lying because he really believes things happened that way? Or is he lying because he is bored by the reality and wants to invent something more interesting? or is he lying for personal gain (not associated with fear of discovery or feat of punishment)?</p><p>These are different and need a different response. Simply punishing for lying - it won't help. Normal parenting techniques just don't work on some kids. You have a easy child, so you are capable of parenting well. This is just a kid for whom your previously established techniques are just not working right. You need to dig deeper, change tack, think outside the square, and somehow involve husband.</p><p></p><p>I hear you when you say that difficult child shows more respect to husband. You lay this at the feet of husband being more strict - you may be right, but it may be more complex than that. You say your easy child still wants you to help with his accounts - you are maybe too much of a pushover, and difficult child knows this. So it may not be strictness you need, so much as consistency.</p><p></p><p>You said you walk away from an argument. You need to keep doing this. You come back and it picks up where it left off - why? What would happen if you walked away again? Are you running out of places to walk to? (I know it sounds like I'm joking, but been there done that, it's only funny 20 years later, AFTER they turn out OK).</p><p>You say you think you should just leave - if the fight is continuing every time you walk back in, then if you keep walking away every time the fight begins again it will seem like you've had to leave for good.</p><p>What would happen? Think about this unemotionally. I suspect right now, difficult child believes you wouldn't REALLY leave, because you always come back. What if you left and simply didn't come home until the next day? What would happen?</p><p>I know what would happen if I did this - who would be in touch with the evening routine? Who would make sure difficult child got bathed, teeth got cleaned, meals were prepared, chores were done and life went on? In my absence I can see chaos, fighting, arguing and problems escalating, not quieting down as I'd want.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, sometimes this has to happen. If it doesn't ever happen, you get taken for granted, even by PCs. You need time for you. You're not well right now, you said - you need to GET well. What if husband, or difficult child, were as unwell as you are right now? Would they go to bed? Would you be feeding them chicken soup (or whatever)?</p><p>Talk to husband about getting yourself well, for now. If you need to put in a little organisation first, go ahead, but get yourself to bed and put yourself on the sick roster. If people are hungry, they can boil an egg.</p><p></p><p>I know I've put in a lot of questions - I don't know the answers, nor do I need to know them. You might not know the answers either, but you need to think about them, do some digging. To help solve this one, you need to be able to think creatively and laterally, and when you're not well you simply haven't got the mental resources to do this properly.</p><p></p><p>And about "the book" - the newer edition is very different. I must admit I'm still reading through it, but I'm still using the stuff from the old edition which I feel almost memorised. A lot of it doesn't help us, but a lot of it does. Then time moves on, there are changes, and I find that the stuff that simply didn't seem right before, now is exactly what we need.</p><p></p><p>I seriously suggest you see a psychologist, or therapist of some sort, who can work with both you and difficult child. I suggest you mainly, because of both your past closeness to difficult child, and the current focus of his conflict. While you're laid low like this you need help from outside. </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 35976, member: 1991"] I know you're trying really hard, Kjs. The thing is, he's hit the typical teen stage to add it on top of everything else. I'm wondering - it's fairly common for a lot of us, that our kids are worst for those they feel safest with. He's angry, he's depressed, he feels overwhelmed by everything that goes wrong around him (and when you're on the edge of adolescence, that's EVERYTHING - multiply it by anything from 10 to 100 for difficult child factor). But you have had a history of being close. he knows you love him unconditionally. part of him is testing that, part of him is using that (not necessarily in a deliberate way). You talk about him lying - try to analyse what sort of lies. The "I didn't do it" category, such as when his 'friends' trashed things, or he says he's done his homework properly when he hasn't - are very different to more serious lies such as "my teacher is molesting me." I'm not saying that some lies are acceptable and others aren't, but if you have some understanding of why and when they're likely to lie, it's easier to put a stop to it by simply catching them out. Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids can generally lie with "I didn't do it" but they're really bad at lying with, "the bus driver said I was his best-behaved passenger, he wants to nominate me for an award." Now I know your difficult child doesn't have a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) label, he has a BiPolar (BP) label, but there are similar distinctive characteristics. And I believe one of them is lying. You need to ask yourself - is he lying to get himself out of possible trouble? or is he lying because he really believes things happened that way? Or is he lying because he is bored by the reality and wants to invent something more interesting? or is he lying for personal gain (not associated with fear of discovery or feat of punishment)? These are different and need a different response. Simply punishing for lying - it won't help. Normal parenting techniques just don't work on some kids. You have a easy child, so you are capable of parenting well. This is just a kid for whom your previously established techniques are just not working right. You need to dig deeper, change tack, think outside the square, and somehow involve husband. I hear you when you say that difficult child shows more respect to husband. You lay this at the feet of husband being more strict - you may be right, but it may be more complex than that. You say your easy child still wants you to help with his accounts - you are maybe too much of a pushover, and difficult child knows this. So it may not be strictness you need, so much as consistency. You said you walk away from an argument. You need to keep doing this. You come back and it picks up where it left off - why? What would happen if you walked away again? Are you running out of places to walk to? (I know it sounds like I'm joking, but been there done that, it's only funny 20 years later, AFTER they turn out OK). You say you think you should just leave - if the fight is continuing every time you walk back in, then if you keep walking away every time the fight begins again it will seem like you've had to leave for good. What would happen? Think about this unemotionally. I suspect right now, difficult child believes you wouldn't REALLY leave, because you always come back. What if you left and simply didn't come home until the next day? What would happen? I know what would happen if I did this - who would be in touch with the evening routine? Who would make sure difficult child got bathed, teeth got cleaned, meals were prepared, chores were done and life went on? In my absence I can see chaos, fighting, arguing and problems escalating, not quieting down as I'd want. The thing is, sometimes this has to happen. If it doesn't ever happen, you get taken for granted, even by PCs. You need time for you. You're not well right now, you said - you need to GET well. What if husband, or difficult child, were as unwell as you are right now? Would they go to bed? Would you be feeding them chicken soup (or whatever)? Talk to husband about getting yourself well, for now. If you need to put in a little organisation first, go ahead, but get yourself to bed and put yourself on the sick roster. If people are hungry, they can boil an egg. I know I've put in a lot of questions - I don't know the answers, nor do I need to know them. You might not know the answers either, but you need to think about them, do some digging. To help solve this one, you need to be able to think creatively and laterally, and when you're not well you simply haven't got the mental resources to do this properly. And about "the book" - the newer edition is very different. I must admit I'm still reading through it, but I'm still using the stuff from the old edition which I feel almost memorised. A lot of it doesn't help us, but a lot of it does. Then time moves on, there are changes, and I find that the stuff that simply didn't seem right before, now is exactly what we need. I seriously suggest you see a psychologist, or therapist of some sort, who can work with both you and difficult child. I suggest you mainly, because of both your past closeness to difficult child, and the current focus of his conflict. While you're laid low like this you need help from outside. Marg [/QUOTE]
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