Horrible Visit

[JKF]

Just had the most horrible visit with difficult child at the psychiatric hospital. He's supposed to be released tomorrow so I went to visit him today with the hopes of reinforcing some of the things my husband and I expect of him when he comes home. Things such as no more stealing, no more lying, do your laundry....etc. Instead of listening to what I had to say he kept changing the subject and playing with these stupid little hackie sack balls. I kept trying to calmly explain to him that we need him to understand and agree to the rules of the house before he comes home. At that point he started to get agitated and put his hands over his face and refused to talk to me. I tried to stay calm and change the subject so that he could cool off a little but instead of cooling off he simply looked me straight in the eye with an evil look and said "I don't give a f**k anymore" and got up and walked away from me.

As I was leaving the nurse pulled me aside and asked what happened. I explained and she said plain and simple to call his clinician and request that he not be discharged tomorrow. She said "you know, he doesn't HAVE to be discharged tomorrow". In all honestly I'm a little relieved because I don't think he's ready to come home. He functions well there because he knows how to "play the game" but has no regard for any rules or expectations we have for him at home. We're not going back to how things were. He will either do as he's told or he will not come home. No more guilt here! I'm angry now!

 

[TeDo]

I am so sorry. Definitely call the psychiatrist right away. You are right, he is not ready to come home. It might be a good idea to have the conversation again but with a staff therapist or psychiatrist present. They can see for themselves how he reacts to your expectations AND they can back you up in front of him. Personally, I would make such a meeting a requirement prior to discharge. He needs to know that you aren't out of line and you are in charge. Good luck.

{{{{(((HUGS)))}}}}

 

[JKF]

It might be a good idea to have the conversation again but with a staff therapist or psychiatrist present. They can see for themselves how he reacts to your expectations AND they can back you up in front of him.

The thing about that though is that he will act like everything's fine in front of them. He will say what he knows they want to hear! He's very manipulative like that! We've already had one meeting last week with him, the psychiatrist, clinician, and CMO about the expectations at home after discharge. difficult child was there and acted all cool and calm. Like sure, no problem, I can do that. But he can't and he won't and he made that clear to me today. All my husband and I want is some peace and respect in our home! We don't ask a lot. Don't steal. Don't lie. Show respect. Not hard right? But difficult child thinks these things are totally unreasonable and that he should be able to do what he wants.

I just left a message for his clinician. I'm refusing to allow him to be discharged tomorrow. I don't care what they say! I'm his mother and I KNOW something is not right. He is definitely not ready to come home and in all honesty I'm not only scared for his safety but for ours as well. When he goes into one of his rages he's not all there and I'm afraid to be home alone with him at this point!

 

[keista]

Do they have observation rooms with 2 way mirrors? That way psychiatrists can observe without being there.

Positive thoughts with you on this.

 

[JKF]

I'm not sure if they have observation rooms there. Whenever I visit I sit in the "art room" with him. The nurse did see him storm out today so at least she knows something happened and hopefully documented it. That's when she recommended I call his clinician tomorrow. Have any of you been through this before? Can I request that he not be discharged? He's been in the psychiatric hospital a few times but that's when he was living with bio dad and step mom. This is really my first full blown experience with this whole thing and I don't really know how it works. All I know is that I have this strong gut feeling that he's not ready to come home and that he's a danger to himself and others. Most of his anger seems to be directed at me and also his little brother so I'm really scared for us to be home alone with him which we would be this whole week if he's discharged tomorrow. I can tell by his hostile attitude that if he comes home things will rapidly go downhill.

 

[MuM_of_OCD_kiddo]

You know what I see from the outside looking in? Power trip!

As you say, he knows how the play the game under observation. He knows [thinks so anyways] that he has the upper hand when he comes home and you are [in his eyes] powerless. He probably already spend the last week or two [or however long he has been there] in planning ahead on how to make you more miserable the next time around, how to be more devious or sneaky about it, and how to escalate the damage and misery in your home.

Turn the playing field upside down and reclaim your power! By refusing to let him come home - and making it clear why he is not coming home and putting the responsibility for that decision where it belongs - you'll pull the rug out from under him. All of the sudden he will realize that you DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HIS CR*P, and that you have choices too. You do have a younger child to protect, and as much as I hate it for your older one - at 17 he is nearly an adult and his choices reflect the outcome of his future. The sooner he gets that part, the better for him [getting that through to him may be a hard row to hoe, and you may not succeed]. I'd say if he is so unwilling to adjust to living in your home, then look at alternatives for him to go to. Youth Challenge, Job Corp, whatever these programs are called in your area are places for alternative placement as well, if he is mentally well enough to survive there.

Sometimes you just gotta do, what you got to do, no matter how hard or how much you hate it! Hugs!!!

 

[Wiped Out]

You can definitely request he be discharged. Hopefully they will listen. A lot often has to do with insurance. The insurance companies want to get them out asap.

Mostly the times my difficult child has spent in the psychiatric hospital the doctors listened and tried to extend his stays. One psychiatrist did not. He ended up back in the psychiatric hospital the next day for violence. Sigh...

 

[JKF]

The one thing going for us is that the psychiatrist agrees that he needs a higher level of care. She feels that he can't function in the home and said that at our meeting last week. At the time my husband and I were willing to give him one more chance at home after he was released from the psychiatric hospital in the hopes that things might somehow improve. When I went to see him today I explained that to him and told him that the way things were was very unhealthy for all of us and that things will change if he wants to continue to live with us. I tried to explain what we expected from him and that's when he shut down and walked out on me. He's very hostile and angry and refuses to accept any responsibility for the situation. I just hope when I talk to the clinician tomorrow she will actually listen to my concerns and help me by either keeping him there for a longer period of time or helping me find a suitable Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

 

[katattak]

Sending Hugs... It drives me nuts that they can be so manipulative and work the psychiatrists and nurses.

 

[JKF]

I just got off the phone with his clinician and explained that I don't want him home because I strongly feel he's still a danger to himself and possibly us. She told me that if I refuse to pick him up that she will have to call DYFS and tell them he's been abandoned. She said what she suggests is taking him home and then bringing him back if things escalate. I don't understand why they won't just keep him there instead of discharging while they know he's unstable. The nurse even told the clinician about the visit yesterday and the clinician is suggesting he was just acting like that to "sabotage discharge". I feel so alone and hopeless. No one wants to help me and I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm literally sick to my stomach right now.

 

[DDD]

I'm sorry. Do you have a journal or a file showing all the interventions that have been tried, reports from the medical professionals etc.? If not start placing it all together so you have your own record of his abnormalities and proof that you have sought help repeatedly. Sending hugs. DDD

 

[JKF]

I have his history from the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) he lived in for 4 years. It basically explains his life situation but doesn't have any detailed info on his treatment, progress, lack of progress, etc. difficult child has always been the way he is. Since he was a little boy he would steal, lie, throw fits, etc. It's just gotten worse and worse over the years. His bio dad and step mom put him into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at age 13 where he stayed until the age of almost 17. He was released to us this past May and it's been literal HELL for us here ever since! The clinician at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) basically guilted us into bringing him home in May. She said why not give him a chance and that mother's are supposed to at least do that for their children but she has NO IDEA what it's like living with a child like him. It's non stop insanity. I just feel hopeless. I've tried everything and nothing works and I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

[TeDo]

She told me that if I refuse to pick him up that she will have to call DYFS and tell them he's been abandoned.

Maybe you should call DYFS yourself and tell them why you don't want him home and ask them for help.

She said what she suggests is taking him home and then bringing him back if things escalate.

You could always let him come home today and take him back the SECOND anything negative happens (or have the police take him if it is out of control). Do not allow him an ounce of leeway before you take him back there.

{{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} to you. I am sooo sorry. It hoovers when the "professionals" fall for difficult child bull.

 

[keista]

Ditto Tedo. While you're talking to them find out what options you have and the ramifications of all your options.

((((HUGS)))) and strength.

 

[Cheerwyn]

Oh dear, what a difficult situation.

Is it possible to set up a camera/recorder in your home to document his behavior? Not sure about consent/recording laws (or if that would even apply if your son is under 18) but some overt (or covert) taping may help get him into a higher level of care and protect you and your family.

 

[timer lady]

I have refused to pick wm up from the hospital with the same threat hanging over my head. I didn't care ~ I wasn't charged with abandonment. wm wasn't discharged until a bed opened at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) 6 weeks later.

I hope you can find a decision that works for your family.

 

[jennd23]

Can you talk to the same nurse about what would really happen if you didn't pick him up? I can't imagine they'd turn him over for abandonment. I hope you get something worked out.

 

[JKF]

I just want to thank everyone here for the support! Coming on here and reading all of your advice and knowing that I'm not ALONE helps so much! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

You could always let him come home today and take him back the SECOND anything negative happens (or have the police take him if it is out of control). Do not allow him an ounce of leeway before you take him back there.

This is exactly what I plan on doing! And I have a feeling it will be sooner than later. difficult child is obsessed/addicted to video games and electronics. He either steals the electronics outright or steals money so he can buy them. Since this is a major problem we cleaned every single piece of electronic equipment out of his room yesterday. No PSP, no IPod, no motherboards, no computer parts, hard drives, etc. All he has in there are the necessities and some books and art supplies in case he's "bored". In addition, he will have no access to our computer since every time he uses it he tries to figure out a way to get things online illegally. I know the second he sees his stuff gone and realizes we mean serious business he will freak out. Probably not tonight since he's not being discharged until 7 pm but definitely tomorrow after my husband leaves for work and he's alone with me. That's when he tends to have his fits and rages because he thinks it scares and intimidates me (which it does) but I will no longer put up with it. The second it happens I will be one the phone with the cops.

 

[TeDo]

Good for you!!! You might be surprised that he does throw a fit tonight when he sees all his stuff gone. THAT would tick off anyone and with a difficult child it's worse. Be prepared to call 911 SOON after you get home. I may be wrong but it wouldn't surprise me. More {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}}

 

[katattak]

HUGS.
Stand your ground.
Also, DCFS HAS to document all calls. Better to call them today and make them aware of the risk to your family. Them if you have to call the cops you can tell them DCFS has been notified. DCFS may just help to begin with.