House rules and consequences for teens

Discussion in 'General Parenting Archives' started by -, Jul 21, 2000.

  1. Guest

    I am just trying to get an idea of what kind of house rules and regulations that everyone has and what kind of punishments or consequences are in place when the rules are broken. Notice I said when not if...lol. I am trying to implement something and need feedback. Thanks in advance for your help.

    janet
     
  2. Guest

    Well Janet I try not to make my rules too specific unless there is a specific problem. The main reason for this is that it gives more oppurtunities for a power struggle and does not allow the child to problem solve.

    Our House Rules:

    We take care of things that belong to each other. We all do our very best to be kind, honest, and sharing.

    We treat each other with respect.

    We try to help each other with problems.

    We all must work at being part of a family.

    We work to keep ourselves, others, and animals safe.

    If I see a behavior I do not like. I ask the child first to identify what he is doing. Next I ask him if it fits a rule. Then I ask him what he would do differently.

    Of course this cannot be addressed in the middle of a blow up. The child first must have control of themselves. Also, you must use this for your own errors and have the child help you problem solve. If a teen refused to cooperate you let them know that any of the extras in life that come with a family are not available to them until they follow the rules. You want a ride to the park? I am sorry you were not working to be part of the family...so I do not have to provide a ride like I would for a family member.

    I hope this helps, I still use this method with my teen.

    Always, donna
     
  3. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    well, here are the house rules that the social worker gave us when melissa was inpatient a few weeks ago:

    1) no physical abuse to self or others or to personal property. consequence: police will be called.

    2) no verbal abuse or screaming. consequence: go to room for 30 minutes. if teen will not go to room when escorted by parent, call the police.

    3) no running away (includes being somewhere without consent of parent). consequence: police will be called.

    4) room is to be kept clean. consequence: teen confined to room 'til room is cleaned.

    5) no truancy or skipping classes. consequence: call the police & notify school.

    6) no arguing & blaming or rude & disrespectful attitude. consequence: go to room for 30 minutes. if teen will not go to room when escorted by parent, call the police.
    **************

    my dh and i are not very thrilled about all this "call the police, my kid is arguing with me" stuff. yes, if she is physically violent or destroys property, we will call the police and if she runs away or is truant. but it seems like the social worker wants us to call the police constantly on this girl for every little thing. according to her, it would only take one or two times of the police showing up on our doorstep to shape melissa up. hmmmmm.....

    hope these rules help you a little.

    oh--i wanted to add that we've tried grounding & taking away things and privileges, but these consequences never change melissa's behavior. she has even told us that nothing will change her behavior!


    ------------------
    Melissa/14/ODD/mild ADD

    Angela/20/ODD as a result of drug use since age 13/kicked her out on 7/31/99 -- nice to us now

    married 25 years to original dh

    "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -- Matthew 11:28
     
  4. Guest

    Here's my take on the issue:

    Whenever I start quoting family rules I can see my GFG turn me off immediately, eyes rolling back into his head, chest heaving with sighs. It's a pretty normal reaction, I did it too. But in our house we don't have arguments about the "rules" and "punishments" anymore, and haven't for years.

    We have just a few major BLANKET RULES, each covering a multitude of sins. I think keeping it simple is they key to getting them to remember. Make it black and white for them.

    I have a short list of BLANKET rules, six of them. I have them posted in a number of different places around the house in addition to the kitchen and their bedrooms (you have to keep it in their faces). The kids have them memorized because I made them write them over and over and quizzed them until they WERE memorized with consequences for not cooperating. It's easy to do with a short list and to make it fun they can quiz each other.

    THE RULES ARE POSTED, and whenever there is a dispute I march the offender over to the list and point at the BLANKET RULE that has been breached, so he or she is without excuse. Here are my SIX BLANKET RULES:

    ASSIGNED CHORES WILL BE DONE DAILY/WEEKLY
    NO PHYSICAL OR VERBAL VIOLENCE
    NO BACKTALK OR DISRESPECT TO PARENT(S)
    NO STEALING OR LYING
    RESPECT THE PRIVACY OF OTHERS
    MOM (AND/OR DAD) KNOW WHERE YOU ARE AND WHO YOU ARE WITH AT ALL TIMES

    Most everything that you will have to address with your darlings will fall into one of the above categories.

    Have them sit down with you and work out appropriate consequences for each child based on these rules (age appropriate punishments). Present the final list of consequences to each child and have them SIGN THE LIST. This takes the responsibility for the whole thing pretty much off you and puts it on them where it belongs.

    Give them a copy of their signed consequence list along with a copy of the BLANKET RULES so they can hang them on their bedroom doors. You must keep the rules in their faces and also be certain that they are memorized. Five rules is easy.

    You are no longer the bad guy. It's all in black and white RIGHT THERE. Since they had input on the consequences and agreed on them when they SIGNED THE PAPER, they will not have a bucket to stand on. Periodically go over the consequences list as they get older but NEVER CHANGE THE BLANKET RULES.

    The key is to not muddy up the water by adding more and more and more rules, or being wishy washy and changing consequences to fit the deed. Once you start doing this your kids know you can be manipulated and you have lost the war.

    Keep it simple: If the act falls under one of the blanket rules, it gets the agreed upon consequence, period. No lengthy discussions, debates and arguments. And when Mom says it falls under a certain blanket rule, IT DOES. PERIOD.

    In addition to their bedroom doors, I have "The Rules of the House" and the lists of consequences posted prominently in my kitchen.

    This will really help to tone down the fighting, screaming, hostility, badgering, frustration and manipulation.

    Paula
     
  5. Guest

    Well the rules for our house are the same as they have always been for everyone in our house except that gfg didn't think they applied to her AND I didn't enforce them with her. They are the same rules that anyone would have in any house, job, school etc...

    They are:

    show respect to others (this includes all backtalk, yelling, eyes rolling and improper body lanquage)

    no lying

    no stealing

    follow all curfew rules

    parents will know where you are and with who at all times

    and no breaking the rules which may be the above but also include any discipline put into effect by breaking the above rules.

    Currently using the Riley method for GROSS infarctions on above rules for my gfg. She is not allowed to use the phone or to see some of her friends that I have deemed unsuitable. I did this out of desperation that she was a danger to herself and made the wrong choices. The friends that she can no longer see are those that ignored my requests that they NOT call my home for my daughter until I said they could. They chose to call anyway so I changed the rules to do not call ever!!! This is the best way of telling whether or not they are decent friends - when an adult says no - THEY MEAN IT - IF YOU CAN'T FOLLOW THESE RULES THEN YOU DO NOT RESPECT AUTHORITY. (just an example here as far as decent friends go I have a pc who is currently in trouble for something and I told his friends not to call and guess what THEY HAVEN'T EVEN TRIED - IT HAS BEEN 3 WKS!!!!) I have phoned the police to file charges for telephone harassment. It can be done.

    My gfg is hardly in prison. I allowed her to get a job. She works alot and is happy with it. She is also voluteering 1 day a week and she plays volleyball with decent kids 1 day a week. I also allow her to spend time talking with the girlfriend next door WHO DID NOT CALL MY HOUSE WHEN SHE WAS TOLD NOT TO.

    We have a long way to go of course and this is not by any means the answer to everything but it instills order back to our house like it should be.

    Kathy
     
  6. Guest

    hiya,, it's RED! lol ...
    Janet, I think I mentioned sitting down and writing a contract about the rules, and the punishment for not following the rules and have the kids sign them,,, They know WHAT the rule is, WHAT the punishment is..
    Mali's first thing punishment is having to write the "rule she broke" and something like "I must show my mother and father respect, and do what they ask me to do"..... She has to write the whole sentences 10 times.... I have found out that when she starts to write in her frustrated temper tantrum way, by the end of it,, she is calm, able to get along with us much better..!! So it seems to be working to help with the meltdowns too!!
    Good luck gal,, I'll be thinking about you when I'm in Charleston this weekend... sun, surf and seafood, and a bed to sleep in... ahaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh... sound so nice! Take care Buddy, I luv ya..!
    Sandie in SC (if Connie gets on chat this evening (jakes mom) ask her if she got my emails,, I"ve also made a post directly to her here on the board...
    talk with you Monday morning... Looks like you've got some real good advice in the other replies, hope you can find something that works. We are looking forward to meeting your boys next weekend.. tell cory Hi for us.. (whatta good lookin guy!) see ya...
    Sandie in SC
     
  7. Guest

    Hi Janet!

    What a great idea! Hope this one goes for a while cause it will be great to see all the ideas that we are trying to use in our homes!

    Right now the rules in my house are pretty lax! Only PC at home! There are a list of chores for her to do and if she chooses not to do them then she doesn't get paid! I leave the choice to her tho! Some weeks things get done and some they don't but I am not going to stress about it!

    Curfew is a big issue though in my household. I expect her to be where she says she is going and home at the time I designate!

    Things will have to change tho when the boys come home so I will watch this post for ideas! LOL!

    Carol
     
  8. Guest

    Dear Janet,

    I note that you wanted house rules for teens. I found that these differ greatly from rules of younger aged kids. We had to simplify the rules for our gfg - my dh and I wrote them out and then fine tuned them with her. Allowing her imput gave her the impression that she was included in the process. We also kept them fairly simple.

    1. All chores must be completed and approved by one of the parents (her idea of complete and ours were worlds apart!) or NO allowance was paid out. Note: we started out with a point system, but scraped that when she asked how much $$ would she not get paid if she skipped a certain job.

    2. Her room and bathroom were to be thoroughly cleaned once a week - parents had the right to implement an additional cleaning session if the rooms exceeded board of health guidelines. This was easy as she didn't share either room and she was the only one who used them - no one wanted to anyway!! She did her own laundry so if she didn't have clean underwear - that was her problem. She was confined to her room until cleaning was complete.

    3. Telephone rules: 2 phone calls/day for 20 mins each. If she wanted more phone useage, then she could get a job and pay for her own phone. Phones were locked up when we were not home. This seems extreme but this resulted from severe phone abuse on her part - caught her taking the den phone to her room and staying on it all hours of the night. Violations resulted in a phone blackout. Caller ID solved many problems, I didn't answer the phone if her friends called - just let the machine pick up.

    4. Parents must know when, where and with whom you are going out with - had a spiral bound book that she was to put entries. This avoided the argument "I didn't say I was going with Brandy to the Mall" when she was caught with someone else/someplace she shouldn't have been. Punishment was grounding and police would be called if she took off and she would be reported as a runaway.

    The past few years, The Blond's rules got to be less and less as it put too much stress on me. Policing her took every ounce of energy and she was a spiteful :censored2: and would do some mean and ugly things that it was hardly worth getting into arguments with her. I finally accepted that telling the truth was not something she was familiar with. She lied about everything - I truly feel she is pathological. I didn't even require respect - just a civil tongue.

    Less is more in this case. My mental state overrode teaching her to take on her responsibilities. I don't think of it as giving up, but feel I had surrendered to the inevitable and accepted that she wouldn't do one more thing than what she wanted to do or felt she would get away with. We all have our limits - you must figure out what yours are.

    I'm a firm believer in Natural Consequences. I never worried about her homework - she took whatever consequences the teacher doled out. Her grades were her problem.

    Don't know if this helped, but every family has it's own limits and requirements.

    JT
     
  9. Guest

    I tried the lists of rules and stated consequences , unfortunately, with me and dh it worked , but my sister felt it was too much work and prefers to yell , not enforce consequences , and just b*tch to me. SO , I don't have posted rules. He's 13 , he knows right from wrong , and I brook no excuses anymore( I now think my name is a low muttered version of "stupid" LOL)When he does something annoying or is fighting w/his sister or aunt i just say, "is that how you want to be treated?" and do not allow another word from his mouth. maybe I'm wrong , but right now , it works

    ------------------
    me-36 stressed out sales manager
    DH 51 part disabled(heart) 3 years as hubby , just now back to work /importthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif
    GFG 13 boy put in legal system by ME ODD depression
    pc 9 girl in gifted program
    56 year old sister - on disability due to clinical depression(SEVERE) and arthritis
     
  10. Jerri

    Jerri Member

    Hi all!

    This is a good idea.. but I can hear it now.. GFG's WORLDWIDE in major rebellion saying:
    " where is the hell did you get that crazy idea? " LOL

    We have 2 rules:

    1. Be safe

    2. Be respectful to self and others

    Everything falls under those two, and punishment is never really set in stone, and is not given immediatly.

    We reserve the right to think about consequence, and I think half the time that is worse part of punishemnt for them... not knowing LOL

    But there is always a consequence.

    Of course mind you, we have to be creative because our GFG already dosent have TV or video games ( hasnt / wont in over 3 years lost them permanenetly ).

    So we try to use natural stuff...

    EX: GFG was in BR the other day, and didnt lock door, I had arm full of towels, and thought everyone was out doors... anyhow I "caught" him sitting on john and he had all 50 dixie cups spread out in front of him on floor.... use side down.

    OK... please dont ask me "what was he thinking or why" .. because I have realized that with these kids... reason is NEVER EVER involved LOL ( he says he was looking at all the different pics LOL )

    So.. for 3 days he cant close the bathroom door! I threw out all the cups ( gross can u imagine drinking out of one after GFG had had them on floor while doing his duty? )and he lost the " priveldge " of privacy.
    Cant be trusted to be behind a closed door, ( this falls under safety and respect to others ) then he wont be behind closed door.

    I want you to know that child is doing what normally takes him hours in miliseconds! LOL

    Will it scar him emotionally forever? who knows... but I doubt it. Will he feel he has no rights even to privacy? Yes I hope it does!

    ( this is where I usually rant about the lack of rights and privacy in prison... I have seen more convicts penis's than I could ever count without a calculator )LOL

    Anyhow my .02 for what its worth!

    Hope everyone has fun with this thread.. to me it feels like were conspiring against them... and thats just plain cool!

    Hugs N Love!!!

    Jerri

    Will he screw with the dixie cups again?

    I doubt that too! LOL
     
  11. coafarr

    coafarr New Member

    I found that the rules needed to be very specific or she would always find some excuse.

    Rule: If she goes anywhere, she needs to let me know where she is and a phone number as well.
    Consequence: If she doesn't do this, she cannot do anything with friends the next day or night.

    Rule: Has 8pm curfew on weekdays and 9pm on weekends.
    Consequence: Not allowed to be with friends the following day or night.

    Rule: Has to attend school.
    Consequence: If she misses school, she is grounded for the weekend.

    Rule: Disprect, saying mean & hurtful things.
    Consequence: Phone taken away for 1 day. (This one is really hard on her!)

    Rule: Running away or being physically agressive.
    Consequence: Call the police.

    This child for the past year has been hospitalized for suicide attempts, was running away, became more and more agressive, resulting in assault charges. These rules were difficult at first but are now almost a non-issue. My little one has not run away since May and not threatening it, has not had any suicide attempts since January and I am able to hug her again. The attitude has quite a ways to go, but hey, can't have it all at once!

    I stick to what I say, don't let up (give an inch, take a mile). She seems to be much happier lately. In her case, it really helped have things spelled out. Thanks.



    ------------------
    13 yo daughter, was taking 500 mg depakote & 40mg Celexa. Have switched to 300 mg Serzone.
    me, single mom
     
  12. Guest

    I think this is a great idea....

    Let's keep it around for awhile.
    I really have nothing to add at this moment since everything in my house is screwed up right now. But, I would like to be able to sit and really read these replies. I may learn a thing or two or three.......
     
  13. Guest

    My DH and I we discussing our take of the Riley book last night and an interesting
    metaphor occurs to us. If you imagine
    a road course with orange cones where
    you must navigate the cones. With ODD
    children you are the cones, they are the
    car navigating around your stability
    (predictable punishments). As Riley puts
    it our job as parents is to let them
    know the limits, it is their job to
    test them, but stay within them (PC)
    anyway. It became clear we must become
    the car, have the GFG become the cones we
    steer around. (being predictable and
    creating an environment for trust).
    We are learning to become creative in
    our punishments remembering with our teen
    BOREDOM is our weapon.
     
  14. addie

    addie New Member

    Must print and keep this when it's finished.
    For now - well, until school was out and still in place in a way, apart from the usual stuff about lying and stealing and violence and name calling etc:
    Just my real teen - the 16 yo - it's a contract:
    Must attend school - no skipping.
    Must do homework assignments on time.
    Must show respect to all others in the house.
    Must not leave the property without permission.
    Must not leave hip hop music around - keep in his room.
    (Think there are a few more - but .....)
    IF ANY OF THESE ARE NOT COMPLIED WITH ALL PRIVILEGES ARE REVOKED.
    They are:
    One hour on the phone per day.
    One and a half hours in town unsupervised each week.
    Three hours at the home of a friend if the parents are there and I can talk to them.
    Three hours on the computer during whihc time homework will be done if computer needed for it.
    (But this was a kid with a record of drugs, theft, truancy, running away, etc. So simple rules only.)


    ------------------
    Ontario, Adoptive/therapeutic foster mom, supportive dh
    3 adoptees: 14 yo m, ADD/?ADHD, Ritalin; 12 yo f gfg, ODD, LD, sp.ed.,Risperidal & Dexadrine; 10 yo f PC with opp.def.beh; Adopted at 4, 4 and 2.
    2 foster: 12 yo f, ADD, LD, sp.ed, Dexadrine; 16 yo m, ?bi-polar, no meds.
    2 part-time voluntary: 19 yo m, Paxil; 18 yo m, PC.
    3 dogs, 4 cats, all help with therapy
    "Tomorrow is another day."
     
  15. Guest

    This is so interesting everyone. Thanks for taking the time to answer. I really have gotten some good ideas. I like the simple covering all basis rules. Now....how bout putting our thinking caps on and help me come up with some workable consequences. Here are the particulars about our family. Both me and Dh work full time outside the home so there is no one home during the day with the lil darlins so any consequence during the day has to be self imposing. Of course this will be easier once school starts in a few weeks. Here are the rules I think we will go with....and the possible consequences I can think of....please add to them or tell me I am crazy and they wont work.

    Rules...
    1. All chores will be completed daily.

    * If chores are not done by the time parents get home from work then child will do them then and get no tv, phone, or computer time that day or the next day.

    2. NO PHYSICAL OR VERBAL VIOLENCE

    * child will be sent to room for the rest of the nite.

    3. NO BACKTALK OR DISRESPECT TO PARENT(S)

    * got no ideas
    4. NO STEALING OR LYING

    * got no ideas

    5. RESPECT THE PRIVACY OF OTHERS

    * do sentences about respecting the privacy of others

    6. MOM (AND/OR DAD) KNOW WHERE YOU ARE AND WHO YOU ARE WITH AT ALL TIMES

    * grounded to the house without the opportunity to go anywhere but to school for one week.


    Ok...as you can see I dont have alot of ideas. No wonder my kids are messed up. LOL. I kept thinking to myself...send them to their room for everything but that wont work. Lets see...they have no bikes. They do have a sega game. The dont have much else in the way of toys or games. In fact I dont think they have any cause they either lost them or broke them. Their favorite activities are playing on the internet and talking on the phone. Jamie also has some friends he goes to see and cory would love to do that but no one trusts him to go to their homes so he is stuck. Any ideas or questions please ask.

    Thanks in advance.

    ------------------
    Janet L.
    3 boys
    14 yr old gfg, bipolar with moderate mania and psychosis and Conduct Disorder. On 1500 mg depakote a day and 5 mgs Zyprexa
    16 yr old, ADHD-doing ok
    19 yr old, AG but LD, PC
     
  16. Guest

    I think this thread is great. It is so nice to see all the different ideas and know that there is something here for all of us. I would like to archive this when it is complete so would appreciate it if someone would remind me if I forget.

    Keep up the wonderful ideas.
     
  17. Eileen

    Eileen New Member

    With our kids all the rules apply to everyone but our gfg dosnt think so. We have done everything from grounding to loosing the car privilages to taking away her job then we even had to call the police but nothing seemed to make a difference. It is a matter of finding some thing they love and giving them rewarsd and punishements. Good luck.
     
  18. Blondie

    Blondie New Member

    Well, Janet, teen-dom is a whole set of special challenges, isn't it? IMO all teens are gfgs -- at least periodically, and some of them, CONSTANTLY! Lol...

    My House Rules are short, sweet, and very, very simple. They are the same basic principles by which Mother raised us (and about a jillion foster kids) -- and Grandmother and Grandaddy set them up that way for their kids,too....Come to think, Mother's siblings all seem to have raised their own kids by those guidelines, sometimes in very adverse circumstances. Hmmm.... Which means, I suspect, that they have stood the test of time pretty darn well. [​IMG]Although they may sound excessively simplistic to some, I'll explain a bit later why they have endured and why I still firmly believe that they gave me a better handle on Rotten Kid -- and my other two kids too -- than I may have otherwise had. (They also work really well, for the most part, with nephews and other assorted munchkins -- RIGHT PICO?? Lol...!)

    Rule # 1: You will have nice manners. This means using courtesy in your dealings with other persons. Family members are included in that.

    Rule #2: You will tell me the truth. No matter how appalling it is. Lying dishonors you and demeans the other person (see Rule #1).

    Rule #3: You will not sulk or whine. It is beneath you; furthermore, it is the second tactic -- secondary only to lying -- that will absolutely guarantee a negative response to your current wishes, desires/expectations/demands.

    ***With all the above goes the general principle/overview, often reiterated: I am your parent. It is up to me (inherently part of the job description), to make certain that you are safe and healthy, and that you have the opportunity to grow and learn and receive the proper care; to reach your full strength as a contented , fulfilled human being.
    Therefore, it is my responsibilty to make decisions about your wellbeing, which I feel are in your best interests. If I am uncomfortable with something you would like to do, or with an activity you have already perfomed which is unhealthy for you, then I AM OBLIGATED (!!! Sheesh my kids hate this part!) by my love and concern for you to say: a) I'm not comfortable with this.b) I do not believe it's in your best interests. Therefore, I cannot condone it, and IT'S NOT OKAY WITH ME! c) I believe you respect yourself enough to understand the above reasoning. You are always free to express your opinion and your ideas to me; we may both learn a lot from this exchange of ideas. BUT: even though you may disagree with me, you do realize that the privileges you have, and the enjoyment you get from other activities, are a result of my belief that you will exercise good judgement in those situations. Don't prove me wrong.

    I often find it necessary to temporarily "disengage" from the situation ("We will continue this discussion later; I need time to think a bit.") so that I can get my ducks in a row and remeber what the goal is here -- *correction*, not *retaliation*! Sigh...

    Like many parents, especially those of teens and pre-teens, I am a committed believer in "Natural Consequences". When violations occur, sometimes what dh and I end up doing -(well, mostly me, but dh is at least more supportive --Thank GOD!-- than he once was) -is having a conference with the offender.

    -The extent and the circunstances of the infraction are briefly laid out. Then I'll ask the culprit for her perception of the rule(s) she's broken right now; how she views the infraction.
    - She is told, calmly but very soberly, that we are disappointed in her, and that we feel disrespected.
    - Also, that a major reason for this disappointment, is that she is a better person than her behaviour is currently showing. If needed, a few examples of this are given.
    - Then we move into "The Penalty Phase", sigh. [​IMG] Everybody's least favorite portion of dealing with consequences of bogus behaviour. Since the teen has already evinced a clear understanding of what the infraction was and what it entailed, I will sometimes ask if *she* can think of an appropriate, consistent, (and ENFORCEABLE! Lol!) consequence for the unaccpetable behaviour. Doesn't always work, of course, sometimes we get the defiant ol' "I still don't see why you guys wouldn't let me..."(fill in the blanks) In which case Mom says:
    - "I realize what you're saying to me, Mousie. (Or Bug, or whomever). But I believe if you think about it a bit, you WILL understand; you're a bright kid. *However*!! Even if somehow you *never* really understand, the fact remains: This is the decision we have made; you violated that, and therefore it is up to you to deal with the result."

    Not to write an encylopedia or anything but: As regard the basic Rules above, if you think about it, they're actually pretty comprehensive and allow for lots of problem-solving, criteria measuring, and application of principles by the kids. Rule #1 doesn't permit disrespect or discourteous behaviour -- whether it's to strangers, teachers, or family members.And it encompasses items right down to basic etiquette,table manners, not butting into/interrupting other people's conversations, and so forth.
    Lying --nuff said. We had a go-round this spring wiith my 14 y.o. that really took the cake: Lied to me, lied to friend's father, then lied to me about lying about it!! Sheesh! It did not get her anything good... [​IMG] Lying is pretty much the cardinal sin in my book.
    Whining and sulking -- well, it drives me nuts and is the LAST way to get what you want in this house! Plus it, too, doesn't get you anything good except "Go to your room until you can be civil; this discussion is over."

    Good luck hon. E-mail me if you want. I think they ought to give all of us mothers with teenagers The Distinguished Service Medal, The Purple Heart (one for each teen!)and Hazardous Duty Pay...and Combat Badges!! Lol...
    Love,
    Blondie
     
  19. Guest

    What Blondie said!

    OK. I DO have my own version, too! Three years ago, when FUZZ went into the children's psychiatric inpatient unit the first time, they had us fill out 22 pages of stuff. On the top of page 11, there were exactly two lines of space where they asked us to list all house rules! Now, I was so frustrated by that, I went ahead and finished the rest of the intake paperwork and then went back, by which time another forty minutes had elapsed, and I was able to define our expectations succintly enough to fit their space. (I assumed they presume if a kid is there, the parents have no rules???)

    Well, I boiled it down to this:

    The Ten Commandments, and wash after you pee.

    Now, you may think I jest, but you know what? I can't think of anything a teen can do that can't be covered by at least one of the Ten commandments. Especially Honor thy father and thy mother. I really like that one!!!

    My kids have also had Blondie's take on lying drilled into them. Fuzz even told someone in group therapy a week or two ago, "The ugliest truth is better than the prettiest lie." Yes!!! ///////

    Consequences: Like most, it depends on the kid and the situation. Like Jerri, there are times when I had to put Fuzz on such a short leash that he was sure he would be retired before he ever got any privacy. You know what? He respects his privacy now. And me, as well.

    Natural consequences work really well. Had to pull one of those the other day on PC. He hadn't done his chores. What's new?

    He asked if he could go somewhere. I simply said, "No." And that was all.

    A while later he asked why.

    I said, "As long as you ignore what I want, I will say 'No' to whatever you want."

    Well, knock me down and mow my grass. He got it. And it will probably take some more of it before he develops the habits I am expecting, but you know what? He really does like being allowed to go places and do things. And when I ground a kid, he knows it cost him more than he got out of it.

    I don't want a kid calculating whether the price is worth paying for the infraction. If he has to think about it, the consequence is not adequate.

    Just my nasty opinion. But then, Fuzz is not through adolescence yet, so don't paint me an expert!!! LOL!!!

    But Blondie is right. There are certain core values, however you dress them up, that are essential. And if the kid has those as a foundation of who he is, and how we all expect him to be, then the rest is bells and whistles.

    If he doesn't have those, the rest isn't going to matter to him anyway.

    love
    pico

    PS. I think this will be archive material in a few days, whaddaya'all think?
     
  20. BIGBLUE

    BIGBLUE New Member

    This is a great post.....I just wonder for those of you who have a gfg like mine who has absolutely no friends, and therefore never a phone call or a request to go somewhere that would be a good privilege to take away, what do you do??? My husband and I just had a problem that arose and the discussion was about what do we do.... every time we punish one of us ends up punished as well as we usually have to ground her to inside the house and one of us has to stay here with her. She is just not completely trustworthy to leave alone by herself for more than an hour or so. So what do we do?? I have taken the computer privilege away as she loves to surf the web, with me sitting by her of course so nothing bad comes up. But other than that we are really stuck. No job so no $ she can contribute when she has broken something or destroyed something. Anyway has just been an ongoing problem since 6th grade that we still haven't conquered.thanks




    ------------------
    15 yo adopted gfg,diagnosed with ADHD age 4,on ritalyn for several years. Then diagnosed with severe learning disabilities at age 7. depression, rages and anxiety kicked in at age 10. Has been on Clonidine,Imipramine, Paxil. Now on Adderall 30 mg bid, Dexedrine 5 mg bid, Prozac 10 mg at night and Buspar at menstrual time.
    9 yo adopted son, pretty much pc, but having lived with his sister, who is not genetically related has gotten "some" of her acting out genes at times.
    me...45 yo RN,Paxil 10 mg whenever I can think to take it.
    DH 47 who is still in somewhat of denial
    copperdawg and tiger the guinea pig.

    my constant admonition.....I am my child's best and sometimes only advocate