Mally,
I am sorry to be chiming in here late, but read the posts and replies and think you need a pat on the back.
First of all - it's very hard to parent a child as a single Mom. It becomes even more taxing on us and our children when we dont' have that tag-team ability.
Between the lines I hear some doubt. Not a lot, more wonder-doubt than anything else. Like - I wonder if putting her in a lock down facility will benefit her. And ya know - I have been there done that with my son. And I said "Well, you can't seem to get along ANYWHERE else - so yeah - let's send him there.
How was it? Good and Bad. The good side of it - was that from THAT day forward including Department of Juvenile Justice - he would rather sit in jail than be sent to a locked facility. Why? It was scary as heck. The kids that are in there - aren't just there - THEY are "not there" Know what I mean?? And I'm not insulting anyone if their child is in a locked facility - I'm talking about a true honest to pete, mental hospital for teenagers. The kind where if you start to whine about "I have no cell phone" the kid next to you says "Shut up - my father thought I was his girlfriend and my grandma beat me, and my Mother is a prostitute." and it was the truth.
The bad part about it? Dude really didn't 'belong' there - he was of a higher thinking ability than to actually be in a permanent psychiatric. lock down facility - and misbehaving got you a shot of thorazine. He got 2 - I guess he'll try anything once twice if he liked it. The staff was a joke. They added to the aggrivation of his disorder by taunting and teasing. We did have tapes reviewed and had him written up, but ultimately AMA (againsta Medical Advice) or in layparents terms - Against Us Getting More Money This Month - took him out due to severe weight loss and depression. Also we were told the place's school was accredited (points toward graduation) and that was a big ole fat lie. We brought him home after his begging stopped and we're able to maintain a life without stress for about 2 weeks. After that ? WOW!!! While I was glad I took him out of THAT placement - and was glad he DID learn that it CAN GET MUCH MUCH WORSE from a group home or Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - his behaviors continued to be outrageous.
Currently - and as cold as it may sound? You have peace. NOW is a time for YOU to leave her where she is - and GET YOURSELF together. This is typically a huge problem because by the time you get a smidge of time for yourself you are SO freaking worn out - you can't begin to actually DO the things you NEED to do in order to educate yourself and get some therapy for yourself so you CAN deal with and learn HOW TO live with a kid like ours.
My best advice - Tell her you need her to stay where she's at. When the but why's start? Tell her - history tends to repeat itself and she's done absolutely nothing to change it - so YOU are going to. In the mean time - she's safe, she's not without supervision, she's being fed, and while it inhales violently to be the parent of a kid in jail - I also made the choice to leave Dude in. I hoped/wanted to believe/prayed it was THE THING that stopped him from being him. And you said she's been in 15 times in 4 years? For how long? I think she would benefit from a nice long stay - while you get your ducks in a row and figure out from here HOW will this child in 2 years time be able to move out, be on her own, self sufficient and earning money to pay for her own bills. WHERE will she live - you only have 2 years....that's not a lot of time to get her either IN an assisted living situation in your area - or to make some solid rules and have the moxy to stick to them IF you ever bring her home.
See I VERY VERY VERY much would love nothing more than to bring Dude home. For good - and be the voice that guides him into adulthood. But that is a dream I've had to let go of. NOW my dream for him at 17 - looking at possibly 15 years in prison soon for a false accusation with NO diploma, NO job skills and serious disorders - but not SO serious he can't do for himself - a place to live, a means to get by, and how to get along with the world. Currently I am the thing that gets ALL the hatred spewed at. Me - the one that does everything I can, loves him unconditionally despite whatever - I am the one that is "a turd on a cracker" in his life - unless he wants something.
He did leave our home after the therapeutic lock down, and we put him in another Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - he got his jaw fractured at the new Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and ended up coming home. The Residential Treatment Center (RTC) said he needed to be back at the lockdown - they couldn't contain him (that actually in a sad way made ME feel better because I felt like I had let him down with all the placements - but it was his choice to misbehave and not take advantage of the help he was given) so from our house it went down hill in 12 weeks - (felt like huh - 12 weeks is a LONG time before it fell apart - and my DF told me I was turning a blind eye to A LOT) he eventually got arrested - we left him in Department of Juvenile Justice, he got out went to court we said NO we are NOT taking him home. They sent him home anyway until a group home could be found and I SWEAR to you - he was NOT out of the VAN from court/Department of Juvenile Justice and he was ALREADY acting like a poop. ARGH. So we suffered through that for 3 months - and finally they put him in another group home that was AWFUL - we had IT closed down, and he was also accused of a crime which like I said he's looking at 15 years - attempted burglary - he didn't do it - but.....so we took him from jail - (we really DO believe he did not do it and can prove it) and brought him home - and then found a therapeutic foster home through Mentor, Inc. (check into them in your area)
He's doing the best he's done anywhere, and makes his own therapist appointments, and is still 100% lazy - but he's able to get along with others. Which in itself is great. He still doesn't want much to do with us, and mostly calls when he needs money - for court fines etc. The money he earns he spends on junk - I've offered him to come to our home and WORK for some money - he said no way - he wasn't doing THAT.
But my long winded thought here was - you have your sanity, peace and quiet - it is PRECIOUS. WHY would you want to give that up? I sure don't. Yes, lord I love my son with all my heart - but it's nice to be able to swallow water and keep it down....and to know but not know where he is and that he IS having to learn how to grow up and be on his own.
I guess this answers your question about how long a post huh? It's either me or Marg....and I think dreamer - we have much to say. lol
I hope something in here helps. Seriously - find a good psychologist that you like and feel you can build a relationship with over the next few years. If you have no money - mental health can not turn you away. You owe it to your self to get your good mental health under control. How can you possibly expect to do good things for your daughter when you can't find a moment to come up for air with her behavior?
She's not a bad kid either - she's just a kid who has skewed views on how HER life should be - it takes A TON of LOVE and a TON MORE of knowledge and TIME to help them change.
Hugs
Star
