How Can He Ignore This

[BusynMember]

Heck if CPS hears about difficult child because he hurt either your kid or stepdaughter, they will probably say you either have to leave with your kid or they'll take your child from you. You don't realize what could be at stake here. Again, this stepchild of yours is not your normal difficult child who went bad because he took drugs. He is seriously dangerous--the things he does are scary. If a grown man did those things, you would leave. Well, he's almost the size of a grown man. Get out before it escalates and YOU get into trouble. As one who lived with a scary kid, you have no idea what he does that you DON'T find out about...if we hadn't thrown out the child molester whom we adopted, they were going to take all the kids. Not that we needed any prompting. We didn't want a dangerous child around the other kids. You can NOT save all kids. Some, for whatever reason, can not be helped. We like to think no kid is hopeless, however there are some who can NOT be helped. Your stepson's best and in my opinion ONLY shot, if he even has one at this point, is in a controlled environment. I don't think he should EVER live at home. It' s not worth the risk to the others or to you. husband also seems to have something wrong with him. It goes beyond denial. He belittles things that are frightening and makes excuses...he needs as much help as his son...

 

[susiestar]

Forgot to add this:
It is an especially tough situation for you because you SEE the behaviors, the escalation, and the determination behind everything difficult child does. Having husband brush off your fears, and the therapist feed into this, makes you wonder if YOU are sane. Because how can a sane person think that difficult child's actions are "normal" or "typical teen"??

I know you love stepdau. But you cannot keep your children in this environment. You can't sacrifice your children on the altar of difficult child's illness. If husband and biomom (if she is in the picture) refuse to see the danger to her, well, you can only do so much about that.

But you MUST get your children out of this situation. Get stepdau out of it if possible, but if you have to leave her with husband while you get your bio kids out, then that is what you have to do.

You would have to ask child protection if you can keep stepdau as a foster kid or placement while husband pours all of his energy into "proving" that difficult child is not a problem. At the very least you need to report husband after you leave if stepdau stays with him. Because the violence will be focused on stepdau if you are not aroung for him to torment.

This situation totally HOOVERS!!

Please don't wait too long to get out. Not saying divorce husband, that is a call only you and husband can make. But get the kids out and yourself out. If you have to be a family of different addresses, well that is what it is. It seems to work for some of us.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. I hope you know the W in WSM stands for Wonderful.

do you know what you get when you turn MOM upside down? You get WOW!! Because that is what MOM's are!

 

[graceupongrace]

WSM,

I'm sorry that things seem to be escalating, and even sorrier that husband seems oblivious to the danger. The thing about difficult child taking and hiding more knives is very creepy, and as I'm sure you know, husband's yelling will not help. The stolen $ and the gameboy are small issues by comparison.

Be safe.

More hugs. (((())))

 

[DaisyFace]

Forgot to add this:
It is an especially tough situation for you because you SEE the behaviors, the escalation, and the determination behind everything difficult child does. Having husband brush off your fears, and the therapist feed into this, makes you wonder if YOU are sane. Because how can a sane person think that difficult child's actions are "normal" or "typical teen"??

O do I ever hear that one! It is very hard when the truly bizarre has become the norm in your household. And when the child puts on a good "show" for other folks and feels free to share their ugliness with you--it does make you begin to question your own sanity.

I do not blame husband too much, because it sounds to me like a man who is desparately trying to "fix" whatever is bothering his son so much that it is making him act this way. husband is probably suffering a good deal of guilt. Admitting that there is a problem with his son is admitting that he is a bad parent. He is hoping to be able to do or say something that will get through to the child and make everything better.

The thought of "abandoning" his son to the care of an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is probably enough to break his heart....

((((hugs)))) to your family tonight.

--DaisyF

 

[WSM]

I sense that you are all getting frustrated with me because nothing is happening to change anything. My kids don't want to leave, except for the one going to college, but he doesn't want us to divorce. I'm beyond frustrated, myself, I don't even know a word for it.

Last Friday husband went to difficult child's graduation. He heard nothing but how wonderful difficult child is. difficult child was voted by his classmates (abt 50 in the entire school--a day military school) as the one the rest of the school was most likely to entrust their lives with.

I am not scrwing with you. I am not making this up.

He's so nice, so polite, so friendly, so helpful...

And that's the night husband found the three knives in his room: his desk, his hamper and his underwear drawer. Saturday we went to Orlando to look for a condo for the kids going to college. There were no incidents with the kids watching him, he stayed in his room with the alarms on the doors and the kids gave him a sandwich in his room at lunch and brought him Wendy's for dinner. We thought it best there was no question of him roaming the house. The bathroom is across the hall from his room and he was watched back and forth to it. No problems.

Next morning his sister woke up and there was corn syrup poured all over her floor, bed and feet. difficult child of course said, how could I get out? My window is sealed and there's an alarm on the door. This proves it's someone else.

(We have 1978 thin windows. For efficiency until next year when we can replace them we have very heavy thick plastic sheeting taped over the windows to the frame. Taped with a lot of heavy very sticky tape--it's ugly but it works)

husband believed him. I said again, "He's going out through the window and coming in the doors downstairs". husband wouldn't believe it. The alarm was on, it didn't go off, the window was sealed and he said, "I defy you to untape the window and retape it neatly". I said, "When it gets hot, the sun loosens the tape and it's easy."

Well, we tried in mid afternoon Sunday. I easily peeled the covering off. husband stood there saying, "Yes...but it has to go up the sides, not just the bottom...(then I did that)...yes, but the window has to open higher...(then I opened it all the way)...yes, but how can you get it resealed...(and I did that too)". So husband believes.

I'm thinking about calling DCF myself and spilling my guts. CPS which is a subdivision of DCF already has a huge file on difficult child because of all his abuse allegations. It's sort of scary because it's like walking into the Lion's Den, difficult child has accused me of being the cause of all his troubles, he's said I abuse him. And while we've been cleared, there was one horrible, terrible experience...we were quickly cleared but the CPS lady harassed and threatened us for a long time.

I am also worried that instead of taking difficult child out of the home, they will take the other two minors out of the home, my 15 year old and stepdaughter 9.

And if I talk to DCF I would like it to be 100% confidential, not even released via subpoena to the family, ie, my husband and difficult child. I'm worried he'll find out and it will be an ugly, ugly divorce in revenge, or difficult child will find out and take more direct revenge.

So I'm working this through. I have NO confidence in the system.

 

[WSM]

by the way: I think difficult child poured syrup all over daughter's room to try to prove for once and for all that it's not difficult child doing these things, like husband challenged him.

I also think the fact that he does so well at school, at a variety of schools, at daycare and summer camps indicates that difficult child is less mentally ill than assumed, as in mentally ill because of brain structure or chemical or electrical balance. If he can control it at school he can control his behavior at home...and he's choosing not to.

 

[DaisyFace]

WSM--

We are not frustrated with you. We are always here for you--without judgment.

((((hugs)))) again.

--DaisyF

 

[AnnieO]

Not frustrated with you - frustrated with the system that won't help you. I know how it is to have no faith in the system. I haven't said much because I don't know what to say, don't have any ideas that will help you!

I do have lots of hugs for you, though.

 

[gcvmom]

I sense that you are all getting frustrated with me because nothing is happening to change anything.

Frustrated FOR you and frustrated with your SITUATION. We cannot judge you and we don't.

difficult child's history alone is enough reason to suspect him of all the "mysterious" crap that's been happening. Continue to speak your truth to whomever will listen. Something good has to happen eventually to help you through this.

(((((HUGS)))))

 

[trinityroyal]

WSM, I don't think anyone here is getting frustrated with you.
I think a lot of us have lived through the horror of having an unstable and violent child in our home, representing a real and significant danger to our other children and ourselves. We're giving support and advice based on our knowledge of the system, and first-hand experiences.

If you're sensing any frustration in people's posts, it's at the fact that you're trapped in such a difficult situation, and that your husband seems to be wilfully blind to what's going on. Something that we can see so clearly at a distance, he seems unable to see or accept.

Like the others, I urge you to make the report to DCF, get your children out of there, and help your step-daughter as much as you possibly can. I also understand how difficult it can be to deal with the system, and that you really are walking through a minefield, given your past experiences with the DCF, and the volatile situation between you, husband and difficult child.

I don't think anyone is suggesting divorce or any long-term decisions at this point. What we're suggesting is that you find a safe haven for yourself and your other children, and leave husband to figure out how best to manage difficult child, since that seems to be his sole focus at the moment. If/when husband realizes that difficult child needs long-term care in a controlled environment, then you may be able to reunite your family under the same roof.

If you're able to do nothing else, please take Susiestar's suggestion and have a bag ready in a safe place with all the essentials you need, in case you have to flee in a hurry. In addition to medications, doctors' contact information, etc. I would also recommend keeping a copy of all documentation you have relating to difficult child and his issues. If you keep a log, pack a copy. Keep a copy of the drawings you mentioned. Anything you think you might need.

I'm so sorry. The situation really seems to be escalating.

Trinity

 

[CrazyinVA]

A suggestion: can you put alarms on his windows? That seems like a simple solution to the "how could he possibly get out" question.

With all due respect, the decision whether or not to leave is yours, not your children's. Only you can decide what's best for them, and for you. I know it's tempting to want to ask their opinion in all this, but I'd just like to urge caution in discussing this with them... it may make them feel partly responsible for whatever decision you make.

Hang in there. Vent when you need to. Many hugs to you, this is a really tough time.

 

[BusynMember]

by the way: I think difficult child poured syrup all over daughter's room to try to prove for once and for all that it's not difficult child doing these things, like husband challenged him.

I also think the fact that he does so well at school, at a variety of schools, at daycare and summer camps indicates that difficult child is less mentally ill than assumed, as in mentally ill because of brain structure or chemical or electrical balance. If he can control it at school he can control his behavior at home...and he's choosing not to.

Ted Bundy was a very charming man. So are many psychopaths. Part of the description is superficial charm. So your stepson can fool his classmates. That's not so odd. Regardless of what my kids thought, I'd make an adult decision to leave.

 

[Marguerite]

I also think the fact that he does so well at school, at a variety of schools, at daycare and summer camps indicates that difficult child is less mentally ill than assumed, as in mentally ill because of brain structure or chemical or electrical balance. If he can control it at school he can control his behavior at home...and he's choosing not to.

I think you've got it exactly right.

A thought on the alarm front - can you put something in place, even short-term, WITHOUT telling husband or difficult child? Say, borrow a movement-triggered infra-red camera and install it downstairs to catch any movment either coming in the downstairs doors or catching movement near the stairs. Make sure it is silent, you don't want to alert anyone to being "caught" and give them time to cover their tracks and destroy the evidence.

If/when challenged on why you did it, you can point out that if difficult child is telling the truth, then the secret footage should help clear him by finding the true culprit. After all, it is always possible that the Jolly Green Giant is breaking in every night to pour maple syrup through the bedrooms...

difficult child is getting very cocky over this. That would worry me. He's been challenged, "Of course it's not him, we've got him pinned down in his room every night," when in fact that alone is a challenge, to get out, do damage then get back inside to cement his alibi. But by doing this, he knows YOU suspect, and he knows you know about the kives. it's his way of saying to ALL who fear him, "This time it was syrup. next time, or ANY time of my choosing, it could be another glutinous, sticky substance such as blood. So behave, don't do anything to upset me. If you have secrets, keep them. I can hurt you any time I choose."

This is sociopathic behaviour.

If you put something in place and tell husband, he is too likely to let it slip to difficult child and not tell you that difficult child knows. This would then undermine ANY benefit from it all and probably lead to the camera being sabotaged. Or difficult child staying put.

If you do get the camera and difficult child finds out (or even if he doesn't) - maybe consider changing its location from time to time. Make sure the camera can be well hidden and has a wide angle of view. Bookshelves are good, with a cable going to the VCR or some other recording device, somewhere else. You don't want the sound of any servo or drive to alert someone in the dark to the "Candid Camera". A clock is a good cover because a lot of clocks have some motor noise inside.

Test it out well, in an empty house. If you get any useful recorded info, copy it FAST then keep the copies safe and away from home. In your work locker is a good place.

YOu may never need to use it. But just knowing you have it can give you a sense of security, in the same way that HIM knowing he's cheating your security system, is giving him.

It's not what you know, however, but the use to which you put that knowledge that defines how sane it all is.

Marg

 

[WSM]

So Sunday night we are arranging temporary alarms towards the window, placing two motion detector ones so he can roll over in bed and get to the door with-o setting them off, but can't go near the window.

(husband does have a camera that he wants to secretly install in the room, but he's had it for about 6 months and hasn't done it yet--I'd rather have alarms that stop the behavior before it happens than have a picture recording the behavior after the 'crime' has been completed. Both are great tho).

We tried it this way and that, can he go under? husband tested it. Can he walk on the desk and lean down? Can he approach this way or that? Can we hear it from our room? With the TV on? With the TV and air conditioner on? Can it be heard from outside?

You should have seen difficult child's face. He was fascinated and there was a very small slight satisfied smile on his face. Beyond creepy. I was satsified with how the alarms were set and went downstairs. difficult child said to husband: "I can get to the window this way."

husband had him try it out and it set off alarms.

I thought that was very bold. He's telling us that already he's trying to figure out how to get around it. husband even knew it. "He'll figure a way around it, but for now it will have to do."

What do you want to bet when difficult child does figure a way around it, husband will say, "But there's no way...."

I pretty much think this marriage is over, it's only a question of when we move out. I get a substantial raise next spring, maybe housing prices will improve by then.

 

[AnnieO]

WSM - If you've decided you are going to leave, waiting for next spring may be too late.

I know what it's like to not have the financial resources. There is help. I know this, not from personal experience, but from friends. Call a domestic violence shelter nearby and ask. They know what to do and who to call.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts & prayers. And - {{{{{{{{HUGS!}}}}}}}}

-CD

 

[trinityroyal]

WSM, I'm with StepTo2 on this one...

Perhaps while housing prices are still terrible is a good time to look for cheap housing, at least on a temporary basis.

Your gut is giving you very strong vibes that something terrible is going to happen. Don't wait around to be proved right, get out while you still can. Start quietly making whatever arrangements you need to, and then bolt.

Many hugs to you,
Trinity

 

[BusynMember]

If you don't have a relative or friend you can stay with (and I understand that--I wouldn't either) maybe look into low income housing or an apartment for right now. You can always move. At this point in time, difficult child is getting worse and worse, all but telling you that he will defy you. Meanwhile, hub is as much of a problem as the boy. I can't believe he didn't admit that his son poured the syrup. Who does he think did it? Casper the Friendly Ghost?

Talk to the domestic abuse shelter. Talk to a church. Find a way to get your younger son out of there. This kid is going to hurt somebody very badly one day, and you don't want it to be your child. (((Hugs)))

 

[Marguerite]

Even if you are not a battered wife afraid of your husband, if you are even considering leaving eventually, then plan your exit NOW. I watched an episode of Oprah where a woman descriibed how she survived her husband's attempts to kill her, a big part of it was her exit plan.

In your situaiton, it is difficult child I would be afraid of, even if he wants you gone (because you're wise to him) he would still want to show you that you can't do anything without him "giving you permission". If he finds out and wants to stop you from leaving, he will do it, I suspect, just to show you that he is in control.

The exit plan - you stash copies of paperwork (bank statement copies, insurance/registration/social security copies) away from your home. Have a bag packed with essentials, spare cash etc. Have stuff packed for the kids also. But have the stuff away from home, away from anywhere that difficult child or husband is likely to find it. Don't leave it in your car. At work is a good idea, or at a friend's place (providing it is somewhere that husband or difficult child don't visit). Hopefully you will never need this level of safeguard, but simply knowing you're working towards this could help you feel you're gaining back some level of control.

At the same time you can keep tabs on where you could live in the short-term as well as medium to long term. Maybe for the first few days a friend will put you up. Plan things like school (thankfully, the new school year is a little way away, it buys you time). Work out your schedule.

It's easy to say, "Get out now." But too often if you leave hastily, leaving behind stuff you should have taken with you but in your impulse, you forgot - then you are VERY likely to go back, often because you have to.

That's why if you can plan, and get your stuff together carefully and safely, you have a much greater chance of eventual success. But you do need to do it quietly, secretly, safely, to avoid being sabotaged. And sabotage can come from surprising places. A woman who split up form her verbally abusive boyfriend and who was beginning to get her life back together, was invited to her girlfriend's place for a chick chat and coffee. But when she got there, she found her ex-boyfriend waiting there for her "to talk" and girlfriend looking smug and helpful. Girlfriend went out and left them alone, with the result that they got back together. The woman has now been married unhappily for 25 years, it's been a struggle. She never would have expected her friend to do tihs; friend had listened to a lot of tirades about the ex, had been sympathetic and supported her in the break-up. It's highly likely that girlfriend's motive in setting up the meeting, was she got sweet-talked into it by the ex and girlfriend was probably thinking to herself, "I'll do what he wants and set up the meeting but I'm sure it won't work; when it doesn't work, he will be grateful to me and I can comfort him, he will be mine. He will have to admit that he gave it a good try but she has moved on." But it didn't work (if that was her motive) - and neither of them is now talking to this woman. She lost both of them as friends.

So be careful who you trust. You need a good friend in this, just make sure ahead of time that they are strong enough to withstand questioning, will keep your secrets in the face of keen interrogation and will be your go-between if necessary. It can be a lot to ask a friend but if you look, chances are you'll find someone.

There's probably nothing wrong with husband being aware of your plans, except that I doubt he can keep secrets from difficult child, and that (I suspect) would not be good, if he found out.

It's a difficult call for you to have to make.

Marg

 

[jbrain]

Hi WSM,
have you read the book "The Sociopath Next Door"? I don't know if your difficult child is a sociopath or not but this book is really an eye opener on what they are like. It is not uncommon at all for them to be very charismatic and to do very well in life. It is very hard to identify them unless you are being affected yourself by them. And then you wonder if it is you that has something wrong since no one else can see it. If they are in a position of power (such as psychiatrist or CEO, etc.) they get great pleasure from manipulating people like puppets. They are often very charming and people just love them!

I am so sorry you have this to deal with.

Love,
Jane

 

[DaisyFace]

WSM--

You may be tired of hearing from me by now.....but I cannot even tell you how much you and your family have been on my mind and in my prayers lately. Part of this, of course, is the many similarities I have noticed in our situations.

This morning, a couple thoughts jump out at me that I think are important--

Marg-- I love your posts. I think you are very wise and have many good insights. Unfortunately, if you have ever tried installing survellience equipment in your home, it is pretty hard to conceal cameras and motion detectors in a home without the occupant noticing. It's probably different when you are trying to catch a nanny behavbing badly, because they are not familiar with your house.

Second, trying to outsmart the motion detector is typical teen stuff. My son has a motion detector that was part of a "Spy Gear" set he received as a gift. He and his friends will play for hours trying to get past the detector. So the fact that your stepson wants to challenge the machine is not, in my opinion, a symptom of anything.

The next thing that occurs to me as I have read the many descriptions of what has been happening in the home:

Where has difficult child been getting the syrup?

So many of us have our kitchens under lock and key....I cannot believe that any syrup would even be permitted in your homne at this point--much less freely available in the pantry.

And when difficult child pours syrup all over the place--who cleans up that mess?

I'll bet it's not difficult child--I'll bet it's YOU!!!

This child may not be a sociopath as much as he is an ABUSER. He is ABUSING you by playing games that cause you extra work, cost you extra money, and make you look foolish in front of other people (including his father). And he is LOVING it.

I will bet there are no consequences whatsoever for difficult child treating you like dirt....

Perhaps the best thing to do is leave (not necessarily permanently)--but do not go back until your husband and his son can treat you with the respect you deserve. You are not the maid that cleans the messes, nor the servant that does all the hard work, nor the mule that carries all the burdens.

I will bet that as soon as you leave, difficult child's freaky behaviors stop. After all, if he cannot get a rise out of you....what is the fun of pouring syrup around?

Just something to think about....

Please take care of yourself and your children.

--DaisyF