"How can I screw my life up today?"

[Tanya M]

One thing I've learned from my Difficult Child life is that there will always be people who will be "willing" to help and they will, then my Difficult Child will burn that bridge and so on and so on.
Whoever chooses to help our Difficult Child well, that's their choice.
I can only imagine the girlfriends fathers reaction. Those life lessons can be tough.

 

[pasajes4]

He will be back before the end of the week.

 

[Lil]

I'd say grandpa will drive him crazy in all of 2 hours. Can I smile really wide at that part?

But not hours...minutes.

We were texting each other and his aunt at 5-ish. It takes about an hour to get from where he was to his grandparents house. I posted he was on his way there at about 6:20 - realistically, he was probably just there. He texted me at 6:47 already losing his mind!

He apparently had been lectured at length about "God's plan". He is an avowed atheist. They were telling him to get a job. He doesn't want to because the girl is supposed to get a place in just a few weeks and he'll go back to her.

I didn't see the texts until 9:00. My response: Your grandparents deeply believe and part of that is spreading their belief to the people they love. Live with it. (He'd already been advised by me that he best be respectful to his grandparents.) I further suggested that he should get a job. Worst care scenario, he'll quit right away. Best case, he earns some money, gets out of the house, and if he's really lucky, works on Sundays and gets out of church.

Or he can go to a shelter. His choice.

I also reminded him that these people accepted him into the family before Jabber and I even married and have loved him from day 1. So if he decides he has to go, be kind to them and do so gently.

He has not responded to my texts.

He will be back before the end of the week.

No! No! No! Shame on you for suggesting such a thing! I don't want him back until he's ready to walk into court and face the judge, admitting he ran and being ready to take what comes.

Jabber doesn't think he'll last two days at the grandparents.

I just want him to NOT be rude to the only people in the whole world who love him enough to give him yet another chance.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I think it may be really good for him! I doubt if his pot will go over well there. And my guess is they have old fashion values, such as "you give a man a fish, you feed him a meal. You teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime." (This is one of my favorites).

Yeah, my parents are definitely NOT the type to let him just laze around the house. If they let him get away with not getting a job, he WILL be doing chores around the house and going with them every time they volunteer...which is often! Mom and dad already went through this YEARS ago with one of my uncles who they basically raised. He made our son look like a go getter who wont even take aspirin!

That last sentence was a testament to my uncles drug appetite, not my son's.

 

[Childofmine]

Lil you son is learning that there is no one who will put up with an adult who doesn't work and doesn't take responsibility for very long.

Can you step back from this and just let whatever happens, happen? The grandparents are doing just fine. The girlfriends family has spoken.

Can you go silent and wait? He is away from you now. Feel the blessed relief of it and release him to whatever happens next.

Physical separation can be such a gift with dcs if we will claim it. It is a time for us but continuing to engage robs us of that gift.

I know it is very hard to do. You are walking the path---now take the next step of letting go.

The sooner you get out of the way, the better his chances.

Warm hugs. Take what you like and leave the rest. You can't save anybody but yourself.

 

[Lil]

Can you step back from this and just let whatever happens, happen?

The sooner you get out of the way, the better his chances.

I thought that's what I was doing? I don't understand how I'm in his way. I basically told him to suck it up. He can stay and work until it's time to go or he can go to a shelter. The rest is up to him. I won't be getting him, sending him funds, or anything else.

 

[Childofmine]

Lil, you are doing so great and making remarkable progress on this journey.

What I mean, specifically, is: go silent. No texting and no telling and no advising and no warning and no teaching.

You did all of that all his life, like all of us did....and he already knows. He knows everything you are saying already.

To be polite and kind to his grandparents. He knows this.
To get a job. He knows this.
All of it. He knows this.

Just go silent. If he texts you or calls you, can you perhaps say something like this:

No, honey. I'm sure you'll figure it out. I love you.

Just say that over and over and over again.

Something different has happened here. He isn't right up the road from you, doing the same things over and over again. Sometimes, that is all it takes to create a momentum change. Where more and more things can happen.

But as we all know, it's up to him. See what happens.

You're doing really great with a very hard situation. I say all of this gently and kindly. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Warm hugs today.

 

[Lil]

Well. Color me surprised.

The phone just rang...the boy. My stomach dropped and I said to Jabber, "Well so much for my night." But I answered, with my "No, honey. I'm sure you'll figure it out. I love you." firmly in my mind and on the tip of my tongue.

Not one request.

Not one complaint.

He was tired. Today he helped Grandpa by mowing the ditch between the yard (the 3 acre yard) and the roadway. Then he helped dig up two stumps, cut up wood with an axe, dug up flower beds and planted flowers with Grandma, and some other things I can't remember.

In other words, Grandma and Grandpa worked his butt clean off.

Also, he said Grandma may have found him a job - construction labor! LABOR! My kid is the single laziest person I've ever met and he is talking about digging trenches for utility conduits!

He said, up until he had to go, his visit with the girl was all he'd hoped it would be and he seems to adore her. She certainly does him! He still plans to stay until he can move in with her. He said she's going to get a paycheck tomorrow and one in two weeks, then turn 18 at which time he'll hopefully also have a paycheck and that should be enough to get a place together. "They don't care how they live as long as they're together."

Yeah. It's all fun and games until someone gets pregnant/evicted/heart-broken.

But the point is...he actually sounded happy! He was tired and sore but he was actually in a good mood. Trust me when I say this is RARE.

Could this actually be a turning point? Not holding my breath, but it was really something to hear.

 

[pasajes4]

Take it as it comes.......anyway it comes.

 

[Echolette]

I'm glad you had a good-feeling phone call, Lil and Jabber.

 

[Childofmine]

Yahoo! Mark this day in your calendar. He had a really good day today.

May there be many more. Nothing like hard work to get your mind right.

Praying the construction job happens!

Go grandma and grandpa!!! I say yahoo again!!!

 

[BusynMember]

Actually, I think every word you wrote is very positive and, yes, it could be a turning point. A turning point is when they suddenly have a change in their point of view and start having goals and, ultimately, becoming independent.

Love Jabbers parents!!!!!!! Go, go, go!!!!

Good on your Difficult Child!!!!!

 

[Jabberwockey]

Love Jabbers parents!!!!!!! Go, go, go!!!!

Me too! Thing about my parents, especially my dad, is that after raising 7 kids of their own and my uncle they pretty much have parenting down to a science. I don't remember my dad EVER raising his voice. He just spoke to us and when he was done, you were heartbroken that you had disappointed him. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I can only hope and wish to be half the man my dad is.

The whole preachy thing, our son will either survive it or learn to talk to them about the bible, whether he is interested and believes or not. And as bad as we make it sound, its not like they will hover over him every second until he professes his faith. They will just have discussions from time to time.

 

[BusynMember]

It won't kill him.

My hat goes off to a wonderful family, Jabber. You are so blessed.

 

[InsaneCdn]

The whole preachy thing, our son will either survive it or learn to talk to them about the bible, whether he is interested and believes or not

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has had to survive a boss like this - not about "faith" but about some cause that the boss believes in, and I may not necessarily see it the same way. There is an important life skill here - knowing when it is in your own best interests to shut up and play along.

 

[Jabberwockey]

No SWOT, it won't kill him. And yes, I am!

There is an important life skill here - knowing when it is in your own best interests to shut up and play along.

Oh dear GOD does he ever need to learn that skill!!!! He will keep talking, saying the same thing OVER and OVER again because, in his mind, the only way to understand him is to agree with him! He has been grounded several times because he was doing this and I told him "One more word of ANY kind and you're grounded!" almost immediately followed by "But!". Yeah, sometimes you just shut up and do what you're told no matter how stupid it may seem to you.

 

[Lil]

My hat goes off to a wonderful family, Jabber. You are so blessed.

I quite agree. Jabber and I were both blessed with wonderful parents. Sadly I lost mine in my mid-20's. From the day Jabber's parents met my son, when Jabber and I started dating when he was 4, they were grandma and grandpa and treated him just like the other grandkids. They'd have done so even if Jabber had never adopted. He's not the first grandchild to have "issues" and I've never seen them treat any of them differently than the "perfect" kids.

 

[Lil]

Yeah, sometimes you just shut up and do what you're told no matter how stupid it may seem to you.

He gets a bit of that from me. I tend to argue. I told someone recently when they said something about me knowing everything (I think it was a trivia type thing), "I admit, I'm not always right. I just argue the point until the other person gives up."

Hey, I'm a lawyer!

But my son got all the argumentativeness and none of the discretion.

 

[Jabberwockey]

He's not the first grandchild to have "issues" and I've never seen them treat any of them differently than the "perfect" kids.

And have probably been a major factor in helping those nephews remove their heads from the rectal area. I don't know this for sure but we all go to Mom and Dad when we hit something we don't know how to handle.

 

[SuZir]

Sounds like staying with grands for some time would do world of good to him. Simply regular lifestyle, being up at the morning, doing some physical work, eating in regular times and going to bed in reasonable hours can work almost wonders with some troubled people if they do not have serious substance dependency or mental illness (even for milder metal illnesses, like mild/moderate depression that and some exercise have been shown to be more effective than medications.)

I hope he doesn't wear out his welcome too quickly, because the plans he has with a girl don't sound too plausible.