How concerned should I be

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, May 25, 2011.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Not an easy subject to talk about. I know hyper-sexuality can be a part of bipolar.

    For awhile now difficult child has been touching husband and me inappropriately (psychiatrist and tdocs know this). Each and every time he touches husband or me we comment on how inappropriate it is. He always says it didn't happen or that he just "bumped" into us. This simply isn't true. We explain to him that it can be considered sexual harassment and that it needs to stop.

    Until now this has been confine to husband and me. Tuesday we received an email from his afternoon school (the alternative school) that he inappropriately touched the substitute teacher. She (the regular teacher) says she knows difficult child is touchy with-o meaning anything but he needs to understand boundaries (which husband and I totally agree with, however, I'm not so sure he doesn't mean something by it-if he doesn't why does he continue to do it).

    Then this morning we received an email from his morning school that difficult child has been inappropriately been touching his privates in front of others (with his jeans on). His excuse, "I have an itch".

    I don't want to blow this up into something it may not be but this really has me concerned, not to mention it is extremely uncomfortable for me when he touches me (it never lasts long but still is very uncomfortable).

    Any suggestions? Should I be doing something more? Should I not be as worried as I am?
  2. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Definitely a difficult topic! I don't know if this helps much but before difficult child 1 had the right dosage and combo of medications, when he was manic, he was hypersexual. He used to wear his jeans so low that his pubic hair hung over the top of them. He would use the bathroom and leave the door wide open. He also took showers and didn't bother to shut the door and would walk to his room naked. No matter how inappropriate we told him his behavior was and how uncomfortable I felt around him, he wouldn't stop. When his over the top inappropriate behavior was brought to his attention, he used to smile in this eerily weird way - Had me scared! The worst of this happened when he was 14.

    His psychiatrist and therapist knew about this too. However, as far as I know, he never touched anyone inappropriately or touched himself in front of anyone else. He talked to difficult child 2 and easy child/difficult child 3 using filthy language, describing what he wanted to do to a woman but that is as far as it went (or I know about). Finally, when he was given the right dose and combination of medications, all of his hypersexual behavior stopped.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this! You're doing what you can by letting your difficult child know how inappropriate his behavior is and by telling his psychiatrist,therapist. What advice has his psychiatrist/therapist given to you? To me, it sounds like his medications need adjusting. Sorry I'm not much help here! Just want you to know you're definitely not alone with this problem. Thinking of you ... SFR
  3. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    It is difficult, and I have been there with difficult child. She did not do too much inappropriate touching, but did a lot - and I mean A LOT of inappropriate comments, boy chasing, etc.

    I wish I had an answer for you. It is so hard to watch our kids do this.

    How long has he been doing this? Is there any -and I mean - ANY chance he was every sexually abused? (I get this question all the time about difficult child, and we are pretty sure she wasn't ... but the question always comes up).

    Keep as close an eye on him as possible. With difficult child, we monitored her internet, (spectorsoft - about $100 but worth it). Be careful of who he's with and when. You can't stop the inevitable (and we couldn't with her), but you might slow it down.

    I am so sorry. I know how you feel.

  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Based on his history, yes I would be concerned and I would act on it in whatever way necessary to get it addressed and treated ASAP. You don't want this to escalate any farther than it already has, in my opinion -- it's just too, too damaging for him and anyone else involved. The solution could be a simple as a medication adjustment, but whatever it is, do it now, not later.

    We had similar hypersexual problems like this with difficult child 2 when he was manic, and difficult child 1 when he was on the wrong medications. Thankfully, both difficult children are not having issues with this now (and hopefully it holds for a looong time).

  5. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I've not had hypersexual issues at my house, but I think you take this very seriously. You said that the docs know about it, how are they addressing the issue?

    This could be something extremely damaging to those around him. I mean those he offends and those who might have to live with the fall out. What if this sub had filed an official complaint? What if one of his classmates mentions his touching himself to their parent and they take it up with the school? I think being proactive is the key - the doctor needs a call right away since a change/adjustment to the medications seem to have an effect on this (according to those who have been there).

    Lots of hugs Sharon, I know this must be extremely difficult.

  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Sharon, this is something that we have not had to deal with, thankfully. I wonder if you need to up the ante, and when he does this whether or not he says it was an accident, (for lack of better word, sorry) have a punishment. Maybe not a stop the world, but something that definately shows that it is not ok. Still tell him that it is innapropriate, but take it one step further? My concern would be that as he gets older this could result in legal ramifications.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sharon, I am surprised that the school is so lenient with him honestly. Our school wanted to label Cory at 6 because he touched a little girl on the butt when swinging her. They said he was a pervert. Now why they thought it was so odd that a first grader would be able to grab the chains or just the seat is beyond me but they were livid that he actually pushed her on the back of her pants to push her on the swing. I said that they had to monitor him and never let him help on the playground again. Idiots.

    Luckily for us, all of Cory's hypersexual behavior was at home though I was terrified he was going to behave outside.
  8. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Yes Sharon, this needs to be addressed. It may be his age, however, combined with his diagnosis's this can & does get out of control. wm no longer lives here because of his sexual touches & kisses to kt & myself.

    Boundaries have been an ongoing issue addressed at school & in therapy. wm has had to learn boundaries in a very simplistic way .... walking up to a cane or stick in front of the person & then asking permission for a hug or a kiss. This has been worked on for 7 years now & it's just kicking in for wm.

    kt has been extremely hypersexual .... manic. Again, this has had to be addressed.

    The sooner difficult child learns boundaries & personal respect for others & his own body the better.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks everyone. I agree it needs to be addressed. We've been bringing it up with-psychiatrist for about 3 months, the same with tdocs. They all are concerned and tdocs are addressing it some but I get the feeling since it's only be husband and me (until now) that they aren't as concerned as they might otherwise be.

    I think I will make the call to let them know it is branching out to others at this time.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    We have "almost" been there done that and it is an uncomfortable issue. We lucked out that difficult child skirted the issue so there was little fear of repercussions. I'm hoping the medical people have suggestions or solutions. You're right. It has to be addressed to the best of your ability. Sending hugs. DDD
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It cannot be easy. PLEASE do not EVER question yourself when you feel strongly that something of a sexual nature is inappropriate. It if makes you feel uncomfortable in any way then it is VERY serious. This is triple true when it is your child. You have been dealing iwth this for a long time, and it doesn't seem like the psychiatrist is taking it as seriously as he needs to. Most women get many messages that if they feel uncomfortable with what someone says or does of a sexual nature that they are being too sensitive. Sadly we got this when we were very young, and it has stuck. We had to hug the relative that we didn't want to, to be "polite", we had to let them kiss us even if our instincts were screaming NO NO NO - or we were "bad" and we embarrassed our parents. Then we heard all about the various sexual assault cases where the victim was blamed. This is how our generation and past generations were socialized. I had a very rare mother who refused to make us kiss or hug any relative - and boy did she get grief for it. She has this "So what?" look that is perfect for the situation, but I still heard muttering about it at family gatherings if we had refused to hug or kiss someone. So doubting your feelings is natural, given what you were taught. But this is a major issue that you MUST trust your instincts on. Otherwise both you a dn difficult child are going to wind up in some really tough situations.

    Becoming a sexual predator is NOT overnight. It happens in steps, like rungs on a ladder. First rung is usually words. Talk about sex to make others uncomfortable or to get them to do something. My bro used this to control me - would say things about me if I didn't do what he wanted. Then touching inappropriately over clothes is usually next. it goes on from there. SOme tdocs put this inappropriate touching on a higher rung, though I don't know that it matters.

    One of the things you MUST work on is helping him see how this hurts others and that you know iti s NOT an accident. Even if it IS an accident there needs to be some consequence. You may even want to see if they have a group for young men/teens at the domestic violence center to help him learn about this. Wiz had to be part of a sexual offenders group when he was in the 4 month psychiatric hospital because the things he was saying to Jessie. He was on the first rung of that ladder and jumped off wehn he realized how it hurt people forever. Of course that only came about after the hurt came home to him because another group member didn't like what he said about J 'asking for it" and punched him in the mouth - and then I refused to press charges and asked if I could send a gift basket to the boy. I was joking about the basket, but only partly. It really turned difficult child's thinking around when he saw how uncool other males thought it was.

    PLEASE do not doubt those feelings that scream it is wrong wrong wrong when he touches you and husband that way. It is something he may end up in jail for - mroe and more places are trying juveniles as adults for sexual offenses - and some even put them in adult jails instead of juvenile facilities. A facility for sexual offenders is NOT a place you want your son. He also needs to know, in NO uncertain terms, that "just touching" the way he is with you can land him in a place like that.
  12. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I agree with susiestar's approach. I would also insist that the psychiatrist evaluate his medications as a spike in hypersexual behavior can be a manic swing.