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How did I not see detachment right in front of me?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 703255" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Mcdonna, just catching up here, and reading your thoughts about detaching from your own children and how that is different from every other person. I believe it is, profoundly. Like Tanya said, it's not "supposed" to be that way, and it feels just pure awful. We can detach from others more easily, even parents and siblings, even though that is hard, but our own kids is usually unthinkable. </p><p></p><p>At first. </p><p></p><p>I remember being in Al-Anon and hearing about detachment from someone in a meeting, and thinking, there is no way. No way. </p><p></p><p>And then reading about it and what it isn't and isn't. Still no way, for a long long long time. Until I was out of my mind over Difficult Child and there it was: The last thing to try. Detachment.</p><p></p><p>It didn't mean so many things I thought it meant, like ignoring them, and writing them off, and breaking off all relationship and never seeing them again.</p><p></p><p>In Al-Anon it's termed like this: Detachment with love. </p><p></p><p>And...one tool: mean what you say, but don't say it mean. </p><p></p><p>I learned how to say things clearly, firmly and directly...but quietly and without anger. That shocked the heck out of Difficult Child the first times I was able to pull that off.</p><p></p><p>I think today that detachment is necessary, to an extent, from every other human being in my life. I have a tendency to let feelings rule me. I can be impulsive when I feel deeply. I can get too involved and get into other people's business too easily. I don't like drama so I run from that now, but I can still pay too much attention to people when they have problems. Start to fix and "help." </p><p></p><p>Today, I have to realize and remind myself that I am separate from every other person. I am only truly responsible for me, and that's a full time job (plus some). I need to focus on keeping my side of the street clean. Again, a full time job. </p><p></p><p>One good way to start practicing detachment...is with boundaries. If you haven't read it, the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is excellent. </p><p></p><p>It's wonderful that you recognize that you have detached already from other people. You know what it feels like, and that is a major step forward already. </p><p></p><p>It's a process, and change takes time. And a lot of missteps. That is all okay. We are a work in progress, all of us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 703255, member: 17542"] Mcdonna, just catching up here, and reading your thoughts about detaching from your own children and how that is different from every other person. I believe it is, profoundly. Like Tanya said, it's not "supposed" to be that way, and it feels just pure awful. We can detach from others more easily, even parents and siblings, even though that is hard, but our own kids is usually unthinkable. At first. I remember being in Al-Anon and hearing about detachment from someone in a meeting, and thinking, there is no way. No way. And then reading about it and what it isn't and isn't. Still no way, for a long long long time. Until I was out of my mind over Difficult Child and there it was: The last thing to try. Detachment. It didn't mean so many things I thought it meant, like ignoring them, and writing them off, and breaking off all relationship and never seeing them again. In Al-Anon it's termed like this: Detachment with love. And...one tool: mean what you say, but don't say it mean. I learned how to say things clearly, firmly and directly...but quietly and without anger. That shocked the heck out of Difficult Child the first times I was able to pull that off. I think today that detachment is necessary, to an extent, from every other human being in my life. I have a tendency to let feelings rule me. I can be impulsive when I feel deeply. I can get too involved and get into other people's business too easily. I don't like drama so I run from that now, but I can still pay too much attention to people when they have problems. Start to fix and "help." Today, I have to realize and remind myself that I am separate from every other person. I am only truly responsible for me, and that's a full time job (plus some). I need to focus on keeping my side of the street clean. Again, a full time job. One good way to start practicing detachment...is with boundaries. If you haven't read it, the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is excellent. It's wonderful that you recognize that you have detached already from other people. You know what it feels like, and that is a major step forward already. It's a process, and change takes time. And a lot of missteps. That is all okay. We are a work in progress, all of us. [/QUOTE]
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How did I not see detachment right in front of me?
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