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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 700970" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Alaska, and it's good to hear from you. </p><p></p><p>It sounds like you are doing great. You have re-focused your own life. I think that is the best possible thing for you...and for your three sons. Don't question yourself about that. The more you can step back from the daily "stuff" of your three sons, and the enabling from you and any other people in their lives slows down and stops...that is when they have a real chance to look in the mirror at themselves and realize their lives are on them. No one else but them. That is the best first day of their lives. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>These are important years for them, when they can find out what they are truly made of, and what kind of lives they want to live. We, as their parents, have to let them live their own lives, no matter if they make sense to us or not. Yes, this isn't what we hoped for, raised them for, or dreamed of, for them. But they are now grown people. Adults. They have a right to chart their own course. But they don't have a right to expect us to fund it. </p><p></p><p>Stopping the money is vital. As soon as you can, stop the flow of money. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Ah, I so get this. I actually thought a switch would be flipped and magically, one day, all of the lessons I had raised my son with would penetrate his brain and he would "get it." Overnight. That is NOT the way my son's progress has happened. It has been steady progress, but slow and many times he still thinks, says and does things that I don't get. He is growing up, finally, and he's behind his peers, but he's doing it his way. My job is to stand back, be supportive (verbally) and accept it. That is what I work on every single day. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Like Tanya said, you can't fix it. Nobody can, but each one of them. Yes, you enabled, and I enabled and we all did and still do at times, but that is what people do, until they learn not to. We did the best we could do at the time. Our errors (I believe enabling is an error) are not fatal errors. They are just delays for our precious DCs. The sooner we can stop enabling, the better off they will be. I have seen this as the absolute truth and I have found it to be true, but I was a very slow learner and I didn't believe it and I couldn't stop for a long long time. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there. We are here for you. Focus on your new husband and family and love your precious grown sons at a distance. That is the key.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 700970, member: 17542"] Hi Alaska, and it's good to hear from you. It sounds like you are doing great. You have re-focused your own life. I think that is the best possible thing for you...and for your three sons. Don't question yourself about that. The more you can step back from the daily "stuff" of your three sons, and the enabling from you and any other people in their lives slows down and stops...that is when they have a real chance to look in the mirror at themselves and realize their lives are on them. No one else but them. That is the best first day of their lives. These are important years for them, when they can find out what they are truly made of, and what kind of lives they want to live. We, as their parents, have to let them live their own lives, no matter if they make sense to us or not. Yes, this isn't what we hoped for, raised them for, or dreamed of, for them. But they are now grown people. Adults. They have a right to chart their own course. But they don't have a right to expect us to fund it. Stopping the money is vital. As soon as you can, stop the flow of money. Ah, I so get this. I actually thought a switch would be flipped and magically, one day, all of the lessons I had raised my son with would penetrate his brain and he would "get it." Overnight. That is NOT the way my son's progress has happened. It has been steady progress, but slow and many times he still thinks, says and does things that I don't get. He is growing up, finally, and he's behind his peers, but he's doing it his way. My job is to stand back, be supportive (verbally) and accept it. That is what I work on every single day. Like Tanya said, you can't fix it. Nobody can, but each one of them. Yes, you enabled, and I enabled and we all did and still do at times, but that is what people do, until they learn not to. We did the best we could do at the time. Our errors (I believe enabling is an error) are not fatal errors. They are just delays for our precious DCs. The sooner we can stop enabling, the better off they will be. I have seen this as the absolute truth and I have found it to be true, but I was a very slow learner and I didn't believe it and I couldn't stop for a long long time. Hang in there. We are here for you. Focus on your new husband and family and love your precious grown sons at a distance. That is the key. [/QUOTE]
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