How do I deal with a 27 y.o. C.D.D. who's moved back in to finish her BSW?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pks3636, Jul 17, 2010.

  1. pks3636

    pks3636 Guest

    After successfully throwing my deeply troubled 20 y.o. daughter out my husband suggested she return home after 5 yrs. away to finish her social work degree.(she takes 2 classes @ a time and still gets C's & D's. She's been a solid AA follower, nice person (in gen'l), works p.t., not good student with little or no genuine ambition to take her life seriously. By this I mean, to finish school well so that she can get into a grad school or land a career opportunity after graduation. My 21 y.o. is a senior in college & wants medication school. The other daughter. just got into Columbia U. grad school. But this one is still operating at a teenage level!!! I can't stand having her around anymore. She is just not making it in the real world...What to do, what to do?
     
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I would direct her to her college counselor for help finding a job so that she can get her own apartment.
     
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hi! Where has she lived for these last few years? Was she in trouble that the option of moving back home became a viable option?

    If she has been able to live on her own while attending school in the past, can't she do it again? Why did H want her to come back home?

    I personally would not care what her grades are-if she is passing and you're not paying for it, who really cares? in my humble opinion, what matters most is whether or not you and H agree it's okay for her to live home and, clearly it's not okay with you. That means the answer is no, or, if she has already moved back in, you give her a deadline and direct her for services that could help find work and an apt.
     
  4. I wonder if a college degree is something she feels she "must" do to keep up with the academically successful siblings.

    I know there are a large variety of many wonderful paths for a variety of vastly different people... not every successful person has to have a college degree to walk their path successfully.

    I know people who have struggled for years trying to complete a degree that they never wanted and only ever pursued it because they felt they "should."

    I also know diligent people who have seemingly plodded along for years part time (while raising the kids) toward amazing degrees to achieve "career success" as their own children begin leaving the nest.

    I've heard stories of ppl... (don't know that i've ever really met ppl...) who have fought against all odds to achieve academic success because of the passion that burned toward that goal despite being "academically challenged".

    It might do well to extend non-judgmental support regarding the (appropriate, non-destructive) "calling" she's feeling drawn toward.

    We explained to our difficult child-daughter that the world was her oyster... many wonderful options were before her... the only one that was not acceptable while she lived in our home was a part-time-job and a full-time-social-life. (guess what she consistently chose?) We needed to kick her out. Regretfully with our daughter-difficult child we ignored wayyyyyy too many "red-flags" of very concerning behavior before she had her Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) meltdown lashing out at us horribly.

    Your daughter is 27 and walking in recovery, and working part-time, and going to school part-time, all are admirable awesome things!!!

    You may want to consider drawing up a contract with your husband and daughter outlining your expectations of her behavior while she is a guest at your home. It makes sense to have her be a part of contributing to drawing up the contract, but you and hubby have final say regarding your home and its rules! Consequences for poor decisions should be spelled out clearly in the contract and you and your husband must be committed to follow through on whatever you decide.

    I have a disabled sister who is thriving since the family got together and established a contract outlining acceptable behaviors and consequences for unacceptable behaviors. ANNNDDDD she wasn't even living at my parent's house when we met with her to draw up the contract!!! She was just constantly manipulating everyone and no one wanted to be around her. She was not taking her Rx medications... it was a nightmare. She is still disabled, but she's doing remarkably better since the whole family (siblings and parents) joined forces to confront her manipulative behaviors and establish clear "if you do (unacceptable behavior) (appropriate consequence) will happen" written out and signed by all (agreeing to enforce.) That is the point where we can all pinpoint that her behavior made a drastic change for the better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :bigsmile:

    We offered for our 18 year old difficult child-DS to return home under a contract but he thought the concept was "too controlling" besides, he's living the "good life" playing baby to his "best-friend"'s mommy and daddy these days. Pays no rent, free food, travel... etc... his friend's parents are triangulated enablers and see NOTHING wrong with what they are doing, yet they are sitting very comfortably in their judgment seats wagging their fingers at how horrible we are. Lord, convict them!!!!

    Certainly at age 27 it's appropriate for your daughter to get a "grasp" of the fact that this is her life. There is nothing wrong with giving your daughter full-ownership of the full-consequences-and-rewards of her own choices.

    You and your husband need to stand boldly and united in your authority as her parents, and as the owners of your home. Your daughter will thrive as you lovingly take that stance.

    It really IS generous loving and kind to establish boundaries for your adult children!!!

    There is nothing mean about helping your children move toward bearing their own adult responsiblities.
     
  5. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Has she returned to the house already?
    Why would husband ask her back without consulting you?
    It's my experience that the mom's end up dealing with most of the problems. I would not be happy with husband. If she is there, then I guess you have to work things out
    so she follows the rules. If school is part time then she should absolutely be force to work and pay rent. A definite departure date would also be a good thing.
     
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