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How do I deal with the hurt
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 620308" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Lulu, it is so hard to understand how we got here. Looking back, I know I enabled my son, but I also know that he has the addiction DNA and brain chemistry. It is likely that he would have been triggered anyway, regardless of what I did or didn't do. </p><p></p><p>I know that I kept on thinking he was just immature, lazy, selfish, for a long, long time. I thought he would "grow out of it." </p><p></p><p>It has only gotten worse. Once he started drinking, that led very quickly to marijuana and then to prescription drugs, who knows what else he has done? My parenting (good or bad) had nothing to do with that. </p><p></p><p>He can't just have one or two beers, glasses of wine or anything else. He has to get smashed. </p><p></p><p>It does no one any good to spend time looking at the past, except to understand how to do better in the future. </p><p></p><p>I also have a son who hasn't gone down that road, and he grew up in the same house. difficult child was a much harder child to raise from the get-go. But they both had curfews, part-time jobs, responsibilities, we had family dinners, vacations, a mom who worked out of her home and was always around, etc. </p><p></p><p><strong>Lulu, none of that made any difference.</strong> </p><p></p><p>Let go the fact that you were not a perfect parent and perhaps you enabled your two sons. You also did the best you could at the time. Perfection is not the standard.</p><p></p><p>I do believe their age is a key factor. It's no accident that we are usually talking about kids/adults between 16 and 30. As we all have read the research, the brain doesn't mature until about 25 years old. A brain on drugs stopped maturing when the drug use began. For my son that was likely about 14 or 15. That is the maturity I see in his decision-making, maybe even younger. </p><p></p><p>One time a sheriff's department officer told me that I had about three or four more years of "this." I said: What do you mean? She said, "Well, that's about when I see a lot of these young men wising up and turning their lives around."</p><p></p><p>Is this true? I know one person on this site says that if the insanity is still going on after age 30 that it isn't likely to change. </p><p></p><p>Lulu, you are hurting so much right now, and I hear that. I am so sorry for your pain and grief and fear for your two precious sons. I get that as my son got out of jail last night and I don't know where he is right now. For me, today, that is just fine. </p><p></p><p>I am praying for you Lulu, for strength, and courage and most of all, for peace.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 620308, member: 17542"] Lulu, it is so hard to understand how we got here. Looking back, I know I enabled my son, but I also know that he has the addiction DNA and brain chemistry. It is likely that he would have been triggered anyway, regardless of what I did or didn't do. I know that I kept on thinking he was just immature, lazy, selfish, for a long, long time. I thought he would "grow out of it." It has only gotten worse. Once he started drinking, that led very quickly to marijuana and then to prescription drugs, who knows what else he has done? My parenting (good or bad) had nothing to do with that. He can't just have one or two beers, glasses of wine or anything else. He has to get smashed. It does no one any good to spend time looking at the past, except to understand how to do better in the future. I also have a son who hasn't gone down that road, and he grew up in the same house. difficult child was a much harder child to raise from the get-go. But they both had curfews, part-time jobs, responsibilities, we had family dinners, vacations, a mom who worked out of her home and was always around, etc. [B]Lulu, none of that made any difference.[/B] Let go the fact that you were not a perfect parent and perhaps you enabled your two sons. You also did the best you could at the time. Perfection is not the standard. I do believe their age is a key factor. It's no accident that we are usually talking about kids/adults between 16 and 30. As we all have read the research, the brain doesn't mature until about 25 years old. A brain on drugs stopped maturing when the drug use began. For my son that was likely about 14 or 15. That is the maturity I see in his decision-making, maybe even younger. One time a sheriff's department officer told me that I had about three or four more years of "this." I said: What do you mean? She said, "Well, that's about when I see a lot of these young men wising up and turning their lives around." Is this true? I know one person on this site says that if the insanity is still going on after age 30 that it isn't likely to change. Lulu, you are hurting so much right now, and I hear that. I am so sorry for your pain and grief and fear for your two precious sons. I get that as my son got out of jail last night and I don't know where he is right now. For me, today, that is just fine. I am praying for you Lulu, for strength, and courage and most of all, for peace. [/QUOTE]
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