How do I fight the guilt???

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by branbran, May 21, 2007.

  1. branbran

    branbran New Member

    Im a glutton for punishment. I became a memeber of this site a few days ago, looking for some relief. I was feeling pretty down, utterly wiped out and depressed. So I got what I was looking for. I have been feeling pretty good for the past few days now. (I really believe - due to this site!!) So now what to I do with the guilt? I feel bad for feeling good!!!! If I catch myself laughing or enjoying a moment here and there, I remind myself that my daughter is suffering and I have no business being happy for any amount of time. UGHHH. I hate that. I know logically I deserve to have some peace. I am a good mom and have done so much for my difficult child. She is in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)., she is safe and now is the time I should take advantage of the peace I have in my household. So why cant I?????? I dont think I know how to not worry, I dont know how to be stress free anymore. Its like something isn't right if something is right. Am I making any sense at all? HELP!!!!!
  2. judi

    judi Active Member

    Hi there - I'm the queen of woulda,coulda,shoulda and please take it from me - its not worth it. You have a right to your life too. In order for you to be able to give to your daughter, you've got to be okay. Take care.
  3. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I get yelled at by my husband, therapist, family doctor, mother in law, best friend! Everyone, I have not had a day to myself in... I couldn't tell you. I eat, sleep, breathe, you name it for my g'sfg! While I am a single Mom for a week at a time... it makes it hard. My anxiety makes it difficult as well.

    I am working on a babysitter... I know I need some me time. So saying that, it is OK to feel OK... you can still take care of your family, and be happy. I learned to not feel guilty, now I need to learn to give myself time...

    All of these things are hard... I think they most likely ebb and flow considering how our g'sfg are doing, and then we get to learn all over again.
    It is like learning to relax, when a medication is actually working!!!

    Good luck and be kind to yourself!!!
  4. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    branbran, okay your daughter is suffering? Come on, they don't chain them to the walls anymore....only kidding. She is doing okay, she's in a safe place, she knows the system because this is her 3rd time there. She is probably figuring out the system already. She's getting three squares and has a bed...she's fine!

    Now on to you...Do you have a time machine? No? Well, guess that means you can't go back and do things over, so lets just move forward. Is your guilt helping you cope with life? No? Its just boggin' you down, so sit back and take YOUR life back. You have been on hold for a long time. From your signature it looks like you have a 6 yr. old and I'm sure your guilt is not impressing him one little bit...

    I say all this with a saucy attitude, but my meaning is you have to move forward and there are other people in your life who need you, your daughter must take a few steps on her own. YOU are the only person you foot in front of the other...there you go, moving forward in your life....
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    There is no reason for you to feel guilt. If your daughter had diabetes and needed to be in the hospital to get her condition stable would you feel the same? Because honestly it's the same thing. Your daughter has a neurobiological disorder, bipolar, at this time she is in hospital to treat (and I assume hope to set her on a path to stability) this condition.

    When psychiatrist explained it to me this way it changed my whole outlook...for myself as well as for N.

    There is no reason for you not to laugh, joke, kick back and have as good a time as the day allows. It helps relieve the stress, and aw heck it's good for the soul.

    And honestly, the hospital is not a horrible place. difficult child is safe, well cared for, and even she could have a good time if she were to decide to. The only complaint N ever had about the hospital was with the other patients. And staff kept them in line pretty darn well. Of course difficult child probably doesn't like it. Who would? But that isn't reason for you to feel guilt. She is there because that is where she needs to be at this time.

    I used to do the guilt, the woulda coulda shoulda thing too. All it did was make me miserable.

  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Guilt, in my humble opinion, is a useless & draining emotion. We can't go back & second guess every decision we've made on behalf of our difficult children. There is no parenting manual for this type of situation.

    Let go of the guilt - let yourself enjoy the happy times, grieve along with the sad times. Our children are not for the faint of heart & are a roller coaster of emotions.

    Take time for you.
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    This period of time, while difficult child is being cared for, is a very good time for you to take care of YOU. When one is caring for a difficult child, they do not have a lot of time or energy to take care of themselves properly. Utilize this time. You and difficult child will both feel better when she returns.

    And laughter is part of taking care of yourself. So give yourself a break.
  8. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I used to feel that way too--how could I be happy if my dtr was unhappy? I have gotten over that and one of the things that helped is that our kids need us to be strong, stable, mentally healthy people--it is the best thing we can do for them. To have a parent who is depressed or falling apart does no good for anybody.

    Also, we are separate people--when we are enmeshed with others we take away their rights to be responsible for their own success and happiness. Do you really want to place that burden on your dtr--that unless she is happy you can't be happy? That makes her responsible for your feelings and that is too big a burden for a kid.

    Hope this helps a little--know it is hard--
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I remember father in law and his brother cracking macabre jokes the day their mother died. They loved her dearly, but were being practical as well as trying to cheer each other up by referring to the crematorium people as "the arson squad".

    Consider your current good mood to be therapeutic, to help you cope after so much trauma and depression.

    It's OK to smile and laugh, sometimes it's all we can do. People see us joking and laughing in our household and wonder how we can - I tell them if we didn't laugh, we'd cry. And then we would be really boring, sad people.

    Humour is healthy. Being happy is healthy. Even when life is tough - humour makes it easier to cope.

    If there are no catastrophes looming, if the current set of problems are beyond your control right now, if life is just ticking over while you wait for the other shoe to drop, then smile while you can. It will recharge your batteries faster, for when you need to get back to work.

    Consider this current good mood to be your coffee break in your long journey through your difficult child's childhood. We all need our coffee breaks.

  10. ALogan3

    ALogan3 New Member

    One way to look at it is, why punish your son to a life of misery because his sister is miserable.
    He needs some normalacy in his life. Normal people are happy.

    Take this respite. Renew your whole family. Happiness is renewal. Laughter is the best medicine.

    Guilt serves no purpose. It is the devil robbing you of your life. Find the humor. And when difficult child comes back home try to keep that attitude because humor can defuse alot of situations with difficult child's!

    I am so glad you are feeling happy!! :smile:

    Have a great day!!
  11. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    She is in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)., she is safe and now is the time I should take advantage of the peace I have in my household.

    right. of course it feels so not normal. I can only tell you she is there because of her actions not yours.
  12. branbran

    branbran New Member

    You all are so wonderful. Thank you so much for your words of comfort. You are all right!!!! I do deserve happiness and so does my son.

    It has only been a few days since I have been frequenting this site, but I feel as tough I know all of you, as though I belong here. Thank you for that.

    Good thoughts and hugs to all!!!!!!!!!!
  13. sweepymom

    sweepymom New Member

    you can't feel guilty for feeling good. I wish I could feel good. Each and every night I sit down and have a good cry in order to feel just ok but good never passes my way. So don't feel guilty feel lucky. Lucky that you have someone to talk to. All I have is this site if I don't want to talk to my kids about what's wrong. That's hard cause 8 is always asking me what is wrong. I just tell him that I have a headache,or cramps. He's to young to know whats going on in the real world...
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?