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How do I get husband to agree?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 187241" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>You know - Your rant was pretty cookie cutter. There are a lot of us here who could just take out GFGI and burning the house threat, and difficult child 2 and the moving away threat. Then throw in being lonely and you'd have a number of us here. </p><p> </p><p>(self included) </p><p> </p><p>I love my DF. The man has been through hell on earth with me and my son - my son, is his son. Not by blood, but by love, patience, and the annoying ability to step in and tell me NO regarding my son. I like to be right SOMETIME, but with my son? Alas - exhale.....it seems I think with my heart, forgive too easily, and then I sit around wondering WHY everyone else is so put off when I say "Let's do this with Dude, or that." </p><p> </p><p>I too suffer from terminal flip-flop halo disease. Outta sight, outta mind, absence makes my heart grow fonder, and I only had a grand puppy and cried about not seeing her. I can't imagine what fresh hell it is to not see your grand child. BUT in that same thought it did occur to me </p><p> </p><p>a.) your husband has a RIGHT to protect you - because he does love you, protect himself and protect his house. IRREGARDLESS of how you feel now - and what you "feel" YOU WERE beside yourself and with good right at that time. Ask yourself this - If a neighbor kid had done the same thing would you be able or WANT to forgive him? </p><p> </p><p>b.) your husband won't allow your son to come to the house with your granddaughter. BUT - that doesn't stop YOUR SON from calling you, meeting in the park, McDonalds, going places with his wife.....and what you are NOT seeing in that is YOUR SON is STILL hurting you. And .....he knows it. If he was trying to get help for his anger- and did figure out "Hey you can't make idol threats about burning a home down." - he could STILL allow you to see the baby - just not at your home. He would make it work. He's using his daughter to "get" at you. And he's using your hurt as a weapon against his dad or step dad. So what you don't read between the lines here - Your son is still manipulating - other wise he'd call you and say "You know mom, I'm still good and angry about what went on - but I don't want your granddaughter to miss out on knowing you." - THAT could happen EVEN IF your husband said NO to the come near the house thing.....but your son still .......(Halo? - not so much) </p><p> </p><p>c.) As far as your difficult child 2 - It's always ANYWHERE BUT HERE with these kids. OMG for as many times as Dude went away and then came back and went away and came back with bigger more grandiose promises of how he'd behave IF he could just....(fill in the blank). And he would tell me about the dangers......told me so much when he really WAS in danger I allowed him to stay and ignored his CRY wolf. (group home we had shut down) and instead of seeing THAT as WOW I really cried wolf - HE to this day will make snide comments about how we LEFT him there in Nastytown. Um - whatever.....I do get that you feel he is in danger -but what danger? Again same cookie - DF told me that he will MOVE OUT if Dude ever shows up, gets thrown out or comes knocking on the door. I know we can not live together - and sadly I would join the ranks that say "Here's the # to the Salvation ARmy shelter." and probably never see or hear from him again. I love my son - I do not love the chaos. </p><p> </p><p>So before you go making plans to bring difficult child back - remember a few things about difficult child's - </p><p>he says he'll do anything and that will WILL WILL wear off</p><p>he won't be spending time with YOU - he'll be with that girl or off with friends....he's a Jr. in HS. He's not going to hang with you and he won't be your pal. I thought this last time with Dude we could at LEAST be buddies once a week - we used to love to shop and go have lunch even if it was McD's in the car. And now? I'm good for 2 things - bailing him out with my knowledge and cash.....and computer time. </p><p> </p><p>Sad reality - this year - Mother's Day wasn't even on the map with him and that was AFTER I paid over $800 in fines to keep him out of jail from charge #1. And put up our house and land - for bond for charge #2. Yeap, yalp, yalp - there's my reality - no Mother's Day and he asked me how to fix a spider bite on my birthday and then mumbled in a depressed voice - happy birthday. I still made him a cake, got a card, presents.....and now because I won't let yet another of his DOGs come live at my house - I'm back on the poopie list. </p><p> </p><p>I had hoped for a little better than the poopie list and to be told that I START everything and make him miserable. </p><p> </p><p>Think long and hard about this - right now? YOU HAVE the ability and freedom to GO and Do - You can /could join something to get you out once a week to have something to look forward to. Suggest a date night with DF. Take him bowling - take him to a bar......I have no good ideas but we could all help you with ideas if you want. </p><p> </p><p>DF told me about Dude that if I keep bailing him out when he does something and then changes his mind - I'm not helping him to grow up. And as angry as it makes me - to say - he is right. </p><p> </p><p>Call your x - the 2 pills? i think are an attention seeking behavior. It certainly got your x's attention didn't it? THe night Dude swallowed an entire bottle of tylenol while we were waiting for the police after he was the lookout for the home robberies? I looked at him, watched him down the bottle - and said very calmly - "I'll tell your Dad to ask the cop to call an ambulance." and just walked out. Later Dude mentioned that I was so calm while he was trying to kill himself - and I said "Life goes on." You want to take your life today - there is nothign I can do - it is your life. I'll miss you, but I won't stop breathing - or something like that and to this day he hasn't tried anything dumb like that again - that or running away. Because we just didn't LOOK for him - we let the police look for him - it made him angry. I thought - huh - look at that . </p><p> </p><p>REally think about this hon - it's tough and it hurts and I know you miss K, but............Dude ain't no angel either. Currently he's Pimping puppies. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/faint.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":faint:" title="faint :faint:" data-shortname=":faint:" /> - ack! </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 187241, member: 4964"] You know - Your rant was pretty cookie cutter. There are a lot of us here who could just take out GFGI and burning the house threat, and difficult child 2 and the moving away threat. Then throw in being lonely and you'd have a number of us here. (self included) I love my DF. The man has been through hell on earth with me and my son - my son, is his son. Not by blood, but by love, patience, and the annoying ability to step in and tell me NO regarding my son. I like to be right SOMETIME, but with my son? Alas - exhale.....it seems I think with my heart, forgive too easily, and then I sit around wondering WHY everyone else is so put off when I say "Let's do this with Dude, or that." I too suffer from terminal flip-flop halo disease. Outta sight, outta mind, absence makes my heart grow fonder, and I only had a grand puppy and cried about not seeing her. I can't imagine what fresh hell it is to not see your grand child. BUT in that same thought it did occur to me a.) your husband has a RIGHT to protect you - because he does love you, protect himself and protect his house. IRREGARDLESS of how you feel now - and what you "feel" YOU WERE beside yourself and with good right at that time. Ask yourself this - If a neighbor kid had done the same thing would you be able or WANT to forgive him? b.) your husband won't allow your son to come to the house with your granddaughter. BUT - that doesn't stop YOUR SON from calling you, meeting in the park, McDonalds, going places with his wife.....and what you are NOT seeing in that is YOUR SON is STILL hurting you. And .....he knows it. If he was trying to get help for his anger- and did figure out "Hey you can't make idol threats about burning a home down." - he could STILL allow you to see the baby - just not at your home. He would make it work. He's using his daughter to "get" at you. And he's using your hurt as a weapon against his dad or step dad. So what you don't read between the lines here - Your son is still manipulating - other wise he'd call you and say "You know mom, I'm still good and angry about what went on - but I don't want your granddaughter to miss out on knowing you." - THAT could happen EVEN IF your husband said NO to the come near the house thing.....but your son still .......(Halo? - not so much) c.) As far as your difficult child 2 - It's always ANYWHERE BUT HERE with these kids. OMG for as many times as Dude went away and then came back and went away and came back with bigger more grandiose promises of how he'd behave IF he could just....(fill in the blank). And he would tell me about the dangers......told me so much when he really WAS in danger I allowed him to stay and ignored his CRY wolf. (group home we had shut down) and instead of seeing THAT as WOW I really cried wolf - HE to this day will make snide comments about how we LEFT him there in Nastytown. Um - whatever.....I do get that you feel he is in danger -but what danger? Again same cookie - DF told me that he will MOVE OUT if Dude ever shows up, gets thrown out or comes knocking on the door. I know we can not live together - and sadly I would join the ranks that say "Here's the # to the Salvation ARmy shelter." and probably never see or hear from him again. I love my son - I do not love the chaos. So before you go making plans to bring difficult child back - remember a few things about difficult child's - he says he'll do anything and that will WILL WILL wear off he won't be spending time with YOU - he'll be with that girl or off with friends....he's a Jr. in HS. He's not going to hang with you and he won't be your pal. I thought this last time with Dude we could at LEAST be buddies once a week - we used to love to shop and go have lunch even if it was McD's in the car. And now? I'm good for 2 things - bailing him out with my knowledge and cash.....and computer time. Sad reality - this year - Mother's Day wasn't even on the map with him and that was AFTER I paid over $800 in fines to keep him out of jail from charge #1. And put up our house and land - for bond for charge #2. Yeap, yalp, yalp - there's my reality - no Mother's Day and he asked me how to fix a spider bite on my birthday and then mumbled in a depressed voice - happy birthday. I still made him a cake, got a card, presents.....and now because I won't let yet another of his DOGs come live at my house - I'm back on the poopie list. I had hoped for a little better than the poopie list and to be told that I START everything and make him miserable. Think long and hard about this - right now? YOU HAVE the ability and freedom to GO and Do - You can /could join something to get you out once a week to have something to look forward to. Suggest a date night with DF. Take him bowling - take him to a bar......I have no good ideas but we could all help you with ideas if you want. DF told me about Dude that if I keep bailing him out when he does something and then changes his mind - I'm not helping him to grow up. And as angry as it makes me - to say - he is right. Call your x - the 2 pills? i think are an attention seeking behavior. It certainly got your x's attention didn't it? THe night Dude swallowed an entire bottle of tylenol while we were waiting for the police after he was the lookout for the home robberies? I looked at him, watched him down the bottle - and said very calmly - "I'll tell your Dad to ask the cop to call an ambulance." and just walked out. Later Dude mentioned that I was so calm while he was trying to kill himself - and I said "Life goes on." You want to take your life today - there is nothign I can do - it is your life. I'll miss you, but I won't stop breathing - or something like that and to this day he hasn't tried anything dumb like that again - that or running away. Because we just didn't LOOK for him - we let the police look for him - it made him angry. I thought - huh - look at that . REally think about this hon - it's tough and it hurts and I know you miss K, but............Dude ain't no angel either. Currently he's Pimping puppies. :knockedout: - ack! Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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