How do I help you, my love?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Dec 15, 2007.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    HI all,

    Thank you all so much for your responses to my outcry for help with my depression, with my situation with Dude running away, with the positive thoughts and straight forward talk. You're really the best bunch of friends - caring, cautious with your words, informed.

    Today DF asked me if I'd like to go to the Sportsmans whorehouse. No that wasn't a typo. I just roll my eyes at his humor and got in the car. After 10 minutes of silence, he said "Darlin' I am so sorry that you hurt so much. I've been thinking about my own life and what I put my parents though and despite however bad I was or how much I embarrassed them, and regardless of the fact that I couldn't go home to live - I was always welcome and loved."

    I sat speechless. He continued "I know that the past few years have been hard on you. Taking care of me and my disability, not being able to do things like we wanted and this year in particular with Dude getting arrested, your stroke and health problems escalating - I know it's been hard on you. But I've been thinking about Dude a lot, and while I know that you don't want to go through putting up a tree, or decorating, I think because we are parents who love our son - we should at least try to celebrate Christmas together. Next year we may not all be together, you never know what can happen, and then how would we feel really?"

    I don't know why but the hot stream of tears just flooded out and I said "I'm so tired. And I can't say that I haven't thought about the fact that I've been really selfish about this whole deal. I just figured every year you're such a killjoy about the holidays, and Dude's probation officer said no, and I can't for the life of me figure out what is going on with me - I'm beyond sad, I've had depression, but this is like ultra-sadness."

    With that said we got to the sporting goods store, looked around and went to the grocery where DF started throwing stuff in the cart to make cookies, and I would take it out, and he finally said "You love to bake - bake. Do you want to get a live tree?" I said "You mean a dead tree? - No." He was doing his level best to be entertaining, and finally after we were in the car leaving there he said "I think we should have the boy home for Christmas - NOT all the presents or whatever - but the holiday IS the birth of our savior and he teaches us to forgive so maybe we'll be able to have it in our hearts to open our door to Dude and if nothing else - let him know we love him?"

    - I'll have to get back to you on how I feel about it all. Then he said "I know I've never made the holidays easy on you, but he's my son too and well, I think everyone needs to know they are loved...because someday I hope he'll pull his head out of his kiester and when he does I would like him to at least tell his kids - My folks always loved me no matter what, they didn't take me back into the house, but I was always welcome for a sandwhich and knew they never gave up on me. And I'm not quite ready to give up on Dude......(long pause) then I love you Star."

    So......anyway I'm baking. I'm working on Jolly - and I am so incredibly sorry if I made ANY of you sad. I think Jo G said I was the unoffical Ms. Claus of the board - I better start behaving like it huh?

    ho.........ho.....ho hohoh.....HOHOHOHOH ....HO HO HO......

    (author notes she did not say HO HO HO in the SPortsmans Whorehouse)

    Again - All my thanks
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    The tears are shedding here. What a wonderful, caring husband you have. I haven't said anything but I think he's right. Don't have the all out over the top Christmas. Just a have a nice, quiet one, maybe with one small gift for each of you. Yes, the odds are that Dude will mess it up somehow but don't do it for him. Do it for you and husband, because you will know you tried, you showed Dude your love regardless of his behavior.

    I know this is hard for you. We're both big Christmas people, so I understand how hard giving it up is. How much that hurts. You did what you felt you had to to do to survive this holiday. Well, now you have a chance to make it more of what Christmas is -- not the decorations or the gifts, but the caring, the loving, the thanks to Jesus, family. So, go for the kinder, gentler Christmas. It may be just the antidote you need this year.

    No matter what, we'll all stand behind you and hold your hand. If you truly can't take Christmas this year, even I understand that one. We're here with shoulders, arms, hands and several boxes of Kleenex.

    So, HO HO HO HO to you, dear one.
  3. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    It sounds like he's making some attempt. Personally, 'some attempts' happen in my house every other month, then it's back to the same ol'. It's taught me to be very cautious of words.

    Slowly (VERY slowly, which drives my friends nuts) I've started to take my own life back. I've set some boundaries which husband doesn't like. I just show him the door. The sad thing is he really is a great guy and I know he loves me dearly. But...he's a GUY. I feel like keeping a frying pan near me at all times to bonk him on the head when he goes into 'guy mode.' :hammer:

    Your husband's words sound sincere, and for your sake I truly hope they are. Enjoy your baking!!

  4. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member


    I just want to send you a big hug! and to tell you that I am thinking of you.

    With love, Esther
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Abbey -

    I shoot more than I cook - We went to the sportsmans warehouse to look for a nice pistol for me. Slap head I SHOULD have opted for La'Cucina and asked for a frying pan. Never thought of using one of those to get my point across.

    (just kidding)

    I've used a frying pan. :slap:
  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Star---glad DF did something nice for you!! Hopefully, Dude will one day realize what he is doing to his life and stop the madness. Until then you can love him, spend time with him, without accepting his nonsense. difficult child now knows that I will take no more---23 days of no communication while stuck in county spelled it out for him. Except for some minor setbacks---he's been good since then. He knows if he is not, he's gone again.
    Last year he spent Christmas up your way and we picked him up and went to my sister's in Newberry. He got some socks, a shirt, and a pair of shoes---a lot less than his usual haul. He never gripped. This year, he is so excited about Christmas. It's like he is 6 again. He has shook and rattled all the gifts trying to guess what they are. can detach, regroup, and rebuild when they are ready. Take it slow. Do what you are comfortable with.
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Aw for crying out loud.

    Every DAY one of you is going to make me cry??

    Mrs. Claus, my left one.
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh major tears!!!!!!!!! MAJOR!!! You give me hope Star, you give me hope in finding that amazing man of my dreams. What an amazing DF!

    I have to agree with everything he said - and if you can find the strength - I think he is right in all of his advice. Take this night to breathe, think, and find some peace - and hopefully you will wake up in the morning able to know exactly what direction to go.

    by the way, are you taking anything for the depression? Have you seen a Dr? I could not function with-out my Lexapro, and it sounds as if you may need a little boost to get you out of this slump.

    Big HUGS...........and please give DF one for me as well for being such a gem.
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    my two left feet thaz why I wearz bukitts fo shouz

    Willow, anti-depressants have a habit of working for a while very well, then tend to give me suicidal thoughts. We do have a call into the psychiatric. to see if he can work with us on his fee.

    Good suggestions though. Thank you for thinking of me.

  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    What a great guy you've got there. I'm wiping the tears from my eyes so I can type.

    It's so obvious how much DF cares and loves both you and Dude. Being male and all, I'm sure it wasn't so easy for him to talk to you like he did. But I'm glad he did.

  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Way To Go, DF. Keep it simple. Aim for no regrets. Yeppers...that
    sounds "right" to me, my friend. :bravo: DDD
  12. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Tears also. That seemed like a story to me. It is the most wonderful heartfelt thing I have ever heard that made so much sense. It is so nice to see our husband's have feelings and actually acknowledge them. Thanks for that post. :christmasgift:Sometimes we know our husband's are hurting but they dont show it like we do. It is just so nice sometimes to see them show it or talk about it.
  13. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Everywoman - I just have to reply toyour post to Star - My difficult child used to get a big haul for christmas also. It was the favorite time of the year - presents fromGrandparents, aunts, uncles, parents, etc. Then he started to sell things that we bought him - big things - hiking boots - Timberland boots, coats, etc. It was so sad for us that we had given him nice gifts and he sold them for drugs - so we had to scale back and get him the same things but maybe not the best brand or sometimes at Goodwill. It is so sad to think that you are cautious of what you get them - I am sure he got "good" drugs for the stuff he sold. We have been cautious ever since. Today he sits in jail. It is is second Christmas in jail. I am sad but I will make it.
  14. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Frying pan is inches away right now. It really does wonders. :smile:

  15. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    DF is a KEEPER!

    What a sweetie. It takes a very caring man to try to have that talk with you. He wants you to be happy and yet was also sharing his own feelings. Yup, a keeper!
  16. Paris

    Paris New Member

    I think that's a great idea your husband had. I really, really hope it turns out to be a very Merry Christmas for the three of you. I'm sure it will : )
  17. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member

    This is great news, Star!

    When things were at their worst for us, that was what I aimed for, too. Trying to imagine what I might wish I had done, or how I might wish I had behaved, believed, or treated myself or others in years to come has helped me to center and go on many a time.

    Sometimes, Star?

    That was all I had to guide me.

    It was enough.

    No regrets.

    And of course, there are always regrets ~ but let it be because you made a clear-eyed choice.

    It is never wrong to love someone.

    When person to person contact is too hard, the simple intent to love will make all the difference for everyone involved.

    Intending to love, however chaotic the moment at hand, sets our intentions and changes our perceptions of place and power.

    I am glad you are feeling stronger now, Star.


  18. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I think that is the best holiday gift you will get this season! Bravo for DF.
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Barbara -

    That is the most deep explanation of projective thoughts I've ever heard. Thank you so much for your wisdom.

    -I think it's going to be okay, somehow - we'll get by.

    Thank you EVERYONE for your kind words, insight, heartfelt wishes, tears, laughter -

    This was a very healing time -
    Much appreciation for each and every one of you

  20. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member