How do I let these things happen?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterbee, Jul 8, 2008.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Ok. So you know how when you don't feel good you really stress over things that are normally just normal stress, but all of sudden they become huge and you can't stop thinking about it and you can't breathe?

    I'm really stressing about money. In that I have none. Ok. Not none. But very little. Close enough. easy child has gone through $100 in gas in the week that he's been home. 2 fill ups. I filled up one time the entire 3 weeks he was gone. His birthday is Wednesday and my mom said she was going to get him a Best Buy gift card. I told her to put gas in the car instead. Seriously. He hasn't worked since he's been home. His first day back is Wednesday which means he won't get paid until a week from Friday. He's killing me. I'm going to end up having to take the keys, but I really don't want to have to do that. I know he'll pay me back when he gets paid, but in the meantime we need stuff, too. So, that's one thing I'm fretting about tonight.

    The other -

    easy child's girlfriend's mom has decided that I'm her new best friend. I really don't want to be. Really, really. And she's pretty darn close to being emotionally abusive to girlfriend if not just outright so. easy child's friends threw him a surprise party for when he came home (last Sunday the 29th) and she invited herself. It's a bunch of teenagers. The only reason I was here is because I live here. She ended up not coming and that ended up being a whole huge freaking fiasco that ended up in her daughter and my son both in tears on my son's first day home. Nice welcoming, huh.

    girlfriend's mom called me today. I really didn't feel good and really didn't want to talk to her and didn't answer the phone. easy child did, though, so I had to talk to her. Sigh. And apparently I'm having a birthday party for easy child on Wednesday. Imagine my surprise.

    I wasn't planning on doing anything special. He had the surprise party with about 10 or so kids (they were in and out) and he's had 2 friends here since. Dan has been here all but one night (told him tonight I was going to start charging him room and board) and B has been here at least half of the time easy child has been home. I really don't have the money to throw another party.

    But girlfriend's mom called today and wanted to know what I needed her to do to help for the easy child's birthday. Then she tells me that girlfriend is baking the cake. I don't mind the cake part. Glad I found out, though, so I didn't make one, too. I told her that we do things pretty informally and easy child would probably just want tacos for dinner and it would be pretty simple. Apparently, she's invited herself for this, too. My mom is coming up. D and B have been here. I figure K will stop over and maybe W (easy child's friends). Nothing big. I wasn't planning on feeding a bunch of people (wasn't going to feed all the friends - just cake for them). I just can't afford to. I really felt terrible and told her that I would have to call her back cause I really couldn't form any kind of coherent thought to get out of this without her falling apart and being a victim in that 'nobody wants her around'. :rolleyes:

    Then, as she's hanging up, she tells me she loves me.


    Maybe I'm just a terrible person, but...come on...boundaries and personal space. She's very nice to me, but I knew from the first time that I talked to her that this was going to happen with girlfriend's mom (with her being my new 'best friend') and I just haven't been able to figure out how to handle it. If I wasn't afraid of the fallout on girlfriend, it wouldn't be an issue.

    I just need a good, solid, brick wall so I can slam my head against it.

  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Oh, and she hugs me, too. I never know what to do with that when someone gives you a hug. It always makes me so uncomfortable. I'm not a touchy-feely person. At all. I hug my kids, although difficult child seems to be taking after me in that regard, and on occasion, I hug my mom. That's it. I worked in accounting, for crying out loud. There's no hugging in accounting!

    Ok. I'm done.

    I think.
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    For a change, your illness might be used to your advantage. Just tell her that hugs, touching in general hurt. Docs don't know why this is, it just is. That should at least take care of that problem.

    As to the party, I'd be honest. You can't afford it right now and he had the surprise party. So, no real party for his b'day, just some family and HIS friends gathering but that's it. You won't be feeding any of them other than the cake.

    I really feel for people who are so desparate for friends they hang on to anyone who is nice to them. Their world must be so incredibly small and lonely. Like you, they **** me right in. Sooner or later though, I just lose it and start growling every time they open their mouths. Not nice but they **** me dry and I'm cranky (very) when that happens.

    No advice as to how to get out of the relationship. As you said, you have to factor in D and his girlfriend. Maybe if she saw the bratty side of you -- you know, the one I get to see (without the humor) -- she'll decide she doesn't want you as a friend? It's a tough situation.
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    So, MB, are you saying I'm not very nice? :winks:

    I just got off the phone with my mom. I forgot to tell her about this yesterday. She told me that it's just cause I'm such a likable person. I said, "Really, I don't think I'm that nice." :rofl:

    Seriously, though, she's going to end up being here Wednesday. Otherwise, girlfriend will be the one to pay. How sad is that?

    So now I have to clean. Fortunately, I'm getting a couple (hopefully) steroid injections today.
  5. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Aww, Heather, don't mean to laugh at your story but I CAN imagine it.

    Honestly what got me most was the hugging issue. I thought I was the only one who had problems with this. I am a people person. I love chatting, dealing with people, but hugging...NOOOOO. I don't know why. Personal space is also a big deal for me.

    Good luck with girlfriend's mom. I'd suggest talking honestly with your son and using caller ID. It doesn't sound like she's bad, but too involved.

  6. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Nope, Abbey you are not alone. Really, though, how do you handle it when it's someone you don't know that well? I can easily use the excuse now that it hurts and it wouldn't be a stretch, but what about the rest of the time? It would be considered rude to not return the hug so then we just suffer through it and it's sooo uncomfortable. Isn't that just as rude on the other person's part then? Where's Miss Etiquette when you need her.....

    And as for girlfriend's mom, she's not too bad, but then she is. While easy child was gone, I invited girlfriend to go to a movie...figured it would give me time to get to know her since easy child monopolizes her when she's here - which isn't often by the way cause her mom always wants her at home. girlfriend's mom invited herself and her younger daughter (who is my daughter's age) which meant I had to take my daughter so the two could see an age appropriate movie, as opposed to the one we were seeing, and that was money I wasn't planning on spending. And she acted very hurt when I invited girlfriend to go with me and difficult child to pick up easy child from my mom's when he came home. We were going early (by 2 hours) so difficult child could do some things for my stepdad. And I invited girlfriend because I knew how anxious the two love-struck teens were to see each other.

    They've had my son over for dinner and out for picnics and I wasn't invited and never felt slighted or like I should have been invited.

    Do you see where this is going? Ugh.

    And girlfriend is very embarrassed by her mom's behavior so I try to be somewhat nonchalant about it because I don't want girlfriend to be uncomfortable.

    It's a good thing I like girlfriend so much. :tongue:
  7. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    girlfriend's mom sounds like she has a bad case of insecurity! She told you she loves you? Okay, that is just weird. Does she think that easy child and girlfriend are getting married? He's 16 for cripes sake. Something is just not right with this woman.
  8. Sounds like girlfriend's mom is also a control freak. Sooner or later you have to realize that you simply can't control every aspect of your child's life. Is girlfriend her oldest child?

    Our easy child briefly dated a young woman who had a mother very much like this. He invited her to the prom and her parents called wanting to come to our house to "meet us". Our difficult child had just been released from the hospital after a 3 month stay and we had him on a hospital bed in our den. Can we say stressful times? Because this was so important to easy child, we sucked it up, prepared dinner for the family and tried to soothe their fears that our easy child really was not evil incarnate. It was all so terribly awkward.

    The funny thing is that 4 years down the road - easy child and this young lady are still friends. She is a student at a women's college and has come out as a lesbian. Who knew? I don't think this girl's parents' fears had anything at all to do with easy child.

    I think girlfriend's mother is terrified of losing her - but it is inevitable that she will grow up and away.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    :redface: Oops, I am a hugger. I mean, I don't hug strangers or [most] people I've just met and I certainly don't throw out "I love you's" to anyone outside family, but I am a hugger. You've actually made me think twice about hugging people now. Thanks. No, seriously, I have probably shocked a few people by hugging them too soon easy child's friend I just met at her graduation the other day! He must think I'm a loon. Whoops. ;)

    Why do we put our own well being at risk because we're so afraid of putting others off? I see nothing wrong with calling girlfriend's mom and telling her simply that it will be a low key affair. You will be having dinner with family only and then friends (her included) are welcome to stop by at _______ PM for cake. And that's IT!

    She needs to get over it. You can be nice and cordial without giving up too much of yourself when it's not convenient or okay with you. It doesn't matter WHY girlfriend's mother is the way she it - it's not your problem.

    Whenever I moved into a new house/apt, my mom would always tell me, "Don't get too chummy with the neighbors" and I would always think she was so anti-social. But now I understand. If you get too close too soon, there is virtually no way out without offending someone. However, if you are nice and cordial with this woman, but keep her at arm's length, she can't possibly be offended and if she is, then it's HER, not you. And there is always the opportunity to get close later if need be. It's more difficult to extract yourself from a relationship than it is to get into one. Pace yourself, woman (girlfriend's mom, not you!).

    Good luck and hope your son's birthday is wonderful!
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I know you have easy child's girlfriend's welfare at heart, but you're going to have to set up some bounderies with this woman. Really. Before she sends you over the edge and causes you do say or do something that would cause much worse reprocussions for the girlfriend than simply not inviting the Mom over and such. And it will happen because this type of hanging on behavior gets old fast even if you have the patience of Job.

    I'm not a touchy feely sort of person. Someone walking up and hugging me is taking their life into their own hands. I've been known to hit first, explain later. Ok, so I've learned to control that a bit over the years, but if you are dumb enough to do it enough, it's eventually gonna happen. I have no trouble hugging and being outwardly affectionate with my kids. Period. A few extremely close friend of theirs, whom I pretty much consider "my" kids too can also hug me without it bothering me. husband has learned to ask first. lol

    You can start off by telling her that hugging and touching are very painful for you at this time. That opens the subject matter. Then you can go on to tell her that you just aren't that type of person anyway, and how people who do that annoy the living daylights out of you. Or something similar that gets the point across in a more general way.

    As for the party, tell her the simple truth. No "real" party per se as you can't afford it. Then no matter what her "plans" are, stick to your original plan for the birthday. If she brings over extra stuff, fine and dandy. You told her. You can't do more than that. But don't over extend or over do just because of her.

    You would be upfront and honest with a best friend. :devil2:

    This way if you continue to feel you must tolerate this woman to avoid girlfriend having the fallout, you'll not start making plans to murder her within 30 days. :tongue:

    Heather, your Mom is right. It's because you're such a nice person this woman is getting away with invading your personal space. Someone else would've already told her to back off. So she's going to take advantage if you let her.

    I don't usually like passive agressive behavior........but on some people it works wonders. If you get my drift.

  11. Genny

    Genny Worlds Best Nana

    You're a more patient person than I am. I'm pretty good at keeping people at arms length - at least those I don't click with. Lucky for me I have a certain tone of voice and what husband calls "the look" that tends to keep the crazy's away. I'm sure she's perfectly nice but like you said, you don't need or want a new best friend.

    I think my response to the "I love you" would have been, "um, excuse me?" There is nothing wrong with not inviting her to your house or on outings. Humoring her only sends the message that it's normal when it's not (in my humble opinion). I'm not sure what you mean by girlfriend paying the price, but I don't think I'd be too worried. Try and keep her at arms length without being rude. Tell her you're sorry, but the birthday will be just for immediate family and easy child's close friends; you don't need to explain (and if you do she'll probably offer to bring food or come and help you clean).

    I don't envy you. Good luck!

  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I let out a snort with the "I love you" part. OMG:sad-very:
    I had my ex's, ex girlfriend calling me for awhile, (don't even get me started) and she would always tell me "Aw Steely, I looooove you!"
    What are you supposed to say back so that?
    "Uh, ditto?"
    "uh, ahem, you too Sally, are a, um, special person."
    Or just nothing and let their weirdo statement fill the air with silence.

    And hugging.....nope. Not me. At all. Totally understand. I need my obligatory 2 feet of space around me at all times.

    So sorry. I wish I had suggestions, but I don't. The only thing I can think of is that in my experience these type of people come on strong, and fade fast.
  13. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    A few things.

    First, tell easy child that he has to clean for his party. If he says "I don't want to clean" or even better "I don't even want a party", there ya go. No party. You can tell girlfriend's mom sorry, he did not clean, he is not getting a party.

    I also would limit his driving until he is making gas money. He'll live without seeing girlfriend for awhile. Neither one of them are going to die. and his friends staying there? BS. They chip in for food or out they go. In fact, THEY can pay for the food they already ate by helping easy child clean the house for HIS party.

    You really ARE too nice. girlfriend's mom sounds like an imperial whack-job. I've gone to hug people who have stood stock-still and not returned the hug. Hello, I got the hint: they do not hug. So I stopped. You can do that too. Just stand there. If she does not get the hint, then tell her it hurts. Some people will cross boundaries unless they are etched in stone. But I wanted to point out that easy child is taking advantage too. He also needs boundaries.
  14. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    of sudden they become huge and you can't stop thinking about it and you can't breathe?, hmmm that's how I feel about S2BX now.

    In partial they taught difficult child II how to give "air hugs" so everyone would maintain their personal space, perhaps a lesson in air hugs is in order :O)
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sorry you have to deal with her. I think BBK got it just right.

    And hugs hurting CAN be a long term excuse. Your illness is long term.
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Thinks someone Star Wars is watching much too much of :tongue:

    But gotta admit; IMPERIAL whack job is catchy.

    "She isn't just a whack job, she's the queen of all whack jobs, she is rather...and IMPERIAL whack job."

    yes.....I shall add this to my collection.

    I like Meowbunny's explaination of you're not feeling well don't hug. And she could just be lonely. Or she could be looking for a date? :surprise:Hard to tell anymore.

    Listen Wyntersgrace - I'm a hugger from a long line of huggers but I have a sixth sense about who ya can hug and who ya can't. So she's off base.

    As far as the "I love you" part? I have had people do that in a Non-meaningful way and well...maybe she is a loving person? I say to people here that i love them and in a friendship way I mean that. I'm not looking for a thing back - I just give. Do you think this is just how she is? Or is she ready for the FORCE to be with you as she is an IMPERIAL whack job. ?

    WHAKA DOoooo WHACKA Dooooo.

    In any event - I think I would call back to the girlfriend mom and say I wasn't feeling well - and was going to cancel the surprise bd. Then say "But if you would like to have it at your place feel free."
  17. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Thank you all for the wonderful advice!

    Fortunately, easy child told me today that another friend of his is having another party tomorrow night and I don't know (as he doesn't know - you know, teenagers and their plans :rolleyes:) when he's going. So I called girlfriend's mom and told her that and told her we weren't having a party because it's basically been a party since a week ago Sunday. I also told her that my mom is coming up around 3pm and she's more than welcome to stop by, but that it's going to be very informal. This way she's included, but I'm not doing anything more than I planned.

    When I called her, she was in Kohl's shopping for jammies (I had told her in the past that I have a thing for jammies and shoes) and she told me that she wished that I was there so I could help her pick them out. She told me she's going to have to go back with me so we can shop for jammies together. And she told me again that she loves me.

    She is very lonely. Her heart is in the right place with me. I just don't get close to people easily at all. If you force it down my throat, I'm going to shut down faster than you can blink.

    1 Day at a Time - you nailed it when you said she is terrified of being left alone. She is always telling her daughter (easy child's girlfriend) that she is going to just go away and leave her and forget about her. girlfriend is not the oldest. She's the 4th of 5 children - 4 living. She also seems to be very jealous of her daughter (girlfriend) having a social life.

    BBK - You're right about easy child. I told him last week that he was taking advantage of me. As of today, we have put $144 worth of gas in the car since June 29th. That's only 9 days. My mom did take the $100 she was going to spend on a gift card for easy child and put it in my account for gas money for easy child. But, this has got to stop. It's ridiculous. And you're right, his friends need to step up more. They are good about helping when I need help, but having extra kids in the house for a prolonged period of time is wearing. It's wearing on difficult child which means it's wearing on me. And it's wearing on Jewel. She's such an anxious thing, anyway, and it's getting to be too much for her.

    And then difficult child has a make up guitar lesson this week. easy child wanted me to schedule it for Wednesday evening even though it meant difficult child would have to cut HER plans short because he doesn't want me to have the car for the lesson on Friday as he'll be at work then. He doesn't want me to drop him and pick him up at work. He's looney tunes about driving, in case you can't tell. Too bad. Scheduled it for Friday.

    And just now, easy child and difficult child have been bickering and fighting (even the cats went into the garage to hide) - difficult child in a mood - over making milkshakes and now easy child just broke the blender by not doing as he was told and using too much ice cream and then switching the speeds around quickly. The new blender.


    As for the hugging, my mom is a hugger. She hugs everyone. I usually don't make much of an issue out of it because it's a gesture that comes from a good place and I realize that it's my issue. But, I can always tell when someone is about to hug me and I'm always just standing there pre-hug wondering what to do and how to handle it. Then I always hug back, but I keep my body further back and it's just uncomfortable.

    My personal space comfort zone is actually more than an arm's length away. So, yeah, hugging is awkward. LOL

    Thanks again. You all give really great advice.
  18. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I was just thinking about how chaotic AND expensive it's been since easy child came home from his dad's. Then I was thinking about how much I missed him when he was gone.

    You know, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. :tongue: