How do I prevent this from continuing? lots of questions

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Matty's Mummy, Jun 17, 2011.

  1. Matty's Mummy

    Matty's Mummy Member

    My 7yr old just attacked my 17yr old is it just Aspergers?
    7yr old just came home from a night at school, the kids are all camping out in the classroom my son wasn’t staying overnight so I picked him up. I asked if he wanted to stay longer and he said “no, im getting annoyed”
    He was lovely in the car talked fine told me all about the night, which is not like him.
    He came home his sister was watching TV, she said to him you can have the TV after this she was watching “Prison Break” I told Matt to not watch he was sitting talking with me. Then he got up turned the tv off went to his sister started screaming saying the show was making him angry it was boring... then she moved the control so he couldn’t grab it, he hit her she hit him... then he stoped cried cuddling the 5yr old for some sympathy then started kicking into the 17yr old and he screamed grabbed a Childs wooden chair and went to throw it at her. I told him to put it down... and was trying to stop him the entire time. He has been angry like this just screaming.. and throwing things but never at one of his siblings...
    Then he said “that show was making me feel like I had to” that screamed me and I wonder if there is something more going on with this kid than just Aspergers and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). It could just be his lack of words or it could be something more. Think I have watched too much Oprah Winfrey
    Anyway what do I do when he starts like this?
    What do I do afterwards when he is calm?
    How do I prevent this from continuing?
    I read on here about parents wishing they had this support 15yrs ago.... and that is me I’m here when my child is young and I’m so scared I’m never going to get this right. Please help. someday I think I’m the wrong mum for this child that I’m letting him down cause I don’t know how to set things up so this doesn’t grow into what it has with my older son, yrs and yrs of hell at school and home.
    Thanks
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Has he had any autism specific interventions? Speech to help him learn to express himself with words? Social skills classes? LIfe skill classes? My son had a lot of interventions in spite of also being high functioning and the tantrums and violence such as throwing stuff was gone by age six.

    I think it could be Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) related. Lots of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids have low frustration levels so they act out. They can also say inappropriate things since they have poor social skills and, even though they may speak well and fluently, poor communication skills. in my opinion they need the proper interventions to be taught how to better communicate things like anger, frustration, etc.
     
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I think it is likely the Aspergers/Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). Tigger was like that at 7 but is much better at 12. Since your daughter is older, develop a plan for when this happens. Have her pause her show and very calmly tell him that "we don't hit". Ask her to physically move out of the way to give you time and space to get in between them. If he hits someone, he needs to go to a calming place until he is under control. If he is so out of control that he can't go there, then make wherever he is the calming place by eliminating distractions. It is key (as much as possible) to not let him get whatever it was he wanted that started the outburst. So, in this case, no tv that night.

    I think you signature is out of date...it says your difficult child is 4???? Is he on any medications?
     
  4. keista

    keista New Member

    He sounds like the poster child for "TV is making our kids violent" It does still sound like an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) issue. I do think it's the anxiety squeaking in as well, but can't specifically identify how. I find it interesting that he started calming down, but then kicked the 17 y/o again. Like he was blaming her for having the "offensive" show on.

    Prevention - Don't let him watch adult TV. Don't let him be hearing it in the background. You and he were having a conversation, but enough got by him to make him react - next time have that talk in another room.

    Clean up - Once he is calm, go through the customary apologies and talk about NOT HITTING. In our house, son learned to say "sorry" at an early age, but other emotional words - love, friendship, etc - while they were part of our home vocabulary, they hadn't gotten ingrained. At about 8 , son came up for "codewords" for these things, so instead of saying Mom I love you, he'd say Mom, minnicon! So if your son find saying sorry to be a more difficult task than making Hades freeze over, I think it's OK to have a "codeword" for it, but work on him learning "sorry" because the outside world will not accept anything less.

    If it happens again - remove as many stimuli as you can - turn off TV, radio, hair dryer, get him alone, and if you can't move him have everyone else leave (whole family should know the plan ahead of time) Find things he can do to get out physical aggression - rip papers, go outside and pull grass, punch a blow up clown (the things that look like giant bowling pins but are blow ups, and they have sand or clay in the bottom so they act like weebles) It has to be something benign, but at the same time something that makes him feel like he's being destructive (can transition to things like exercise and yard work when he gets older, but yes, suggest those to him) You can steer him to this *activity* any time he gets frustrated and angry. Son only had serious frustrations at school, and they steered him to rip paper (teachers brought in their old newspapers), and going for a walk outside where he would walk, and then yank some grass if the walk wasn't enough. Also find things that do calm him and offer those up as well.

    When you talk to him, ask lots of WHY questions, and also How were you feeling and What were you thinking before during and after the meltdown was going on. At 7 he may not be able to identify or verbalize anything, but if you keep asking the questions, he'll start to think that you expect him to know these things, and in the future, he might just start asking these questions of himself, and might come up with answers. Aspies are quite smart, and in tune with themselves - they can't always express it and if they do it doesn't always make sense to us, but then we have another piece of the puzzle we can try to put together. Unfortunately, with a 7 y/o Aspie "I don't know" will have to be an acceptable answer, but assure him that with his help you want to find out to help him not do it again.
     
  5. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    keista made a very good suggestion. Ask a lot of why questions to find out what REALLY caused all this. It could have been something earlier in the day that he had to process and then reacted later, at home. That is very Aspie behavior. With communication issues, he may have said it was caused by one thing but it was really caused by some other thing some other place and he didn't realize it.

    This sounds very Aspie to me. We have had two similar instances like this at school and it turned out it was something that was said at home before he ever left that was the "root" of it. Of course, the school didn't ask the whys, I did.
     
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    MM--

    My interpretation is this:

    The sleepover at school was new and different. It required a huge amount of control for difficult child to "keep it together". He was still stressed and excited on the drive home (hence the unusual chattiness).

    He made it home. He began to relax. And ALL the pent-up stress of the day began bubbling up inside of him. It was going to come out - one way or another.

    Does anyone really think it makes one whit of difference what show was on the television? And had the tv not been on at all - it would have been explained as something else. "The radio was too loud" or "The room was too hot" or "There's too many people in here" or whatever...

    I think difficult child needs a way to "vent" that stress and energy before it comes out as a tantrum.

    Is there something active he could do as part of a relaxation method after such a stressful day? Talk a long walk - pound a drum - something like that?
     
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I'd lean toward the theory of delayed-trigger - OR accumulated triggers. His day was overly full and different from "usual". He's learning how to hold it together at school - which is absolutely wonderful. But when he gets home... and the absolute requirement to hold it together is gone - then he becomes a tinderbox... and all it takes is one minor little spark and he blows up.
     
  8. Matty's Mummy

    Matty's Mummy Member

    MidwestMom
    L thanks so much, no he hasn’t had any intervention we live in middle of nowhere literally... I drove 6 hours today just to go to the chemist it’s over 600 km away, open road sitting on 100km an hour. We are in a small mining town, no Occupational Therapist (OT), no Phsyio for children only the work men, no Speech... cant afford to leave here just yet either it’s breaking my heart.

    I’m feeling the pressure to do it all yet I haven’t a clue and am sinking.
    JJ
    thanks I will make those plans with my daughter, I did let him have the tv after this about about 30mins still I shouldn’t have making it easier now will make things so much harder later I do know that I just forget and am so grateful for your post. I feel stupid that is common sense not to give in, what am I doing. I’m so overwhelmed right now we just started out 5yr with Down syndrome on seizure medication I’m so scare for him, the medications may even cause seizures it’s a wait and see thing. It’s all getting too much from every angle. I need someone to come in and write up daily plans till I can get my head around all this. We had our son 7yr old diagnoses weeks ago and I still haven’t started the Comic strips with him or any of the other stuff that was recommended. 2am here I’m not sleeping need to slap myself and pull myself together.


    Keista
    Thanks I didn’t think about this, I know how it fits, he was scared of the panic in the people talking even though he wasn’t watching by this stage. I should have thought to ask my daughter to watch it in her room. he is scared of lots of things, it came up as a question for us in the evaluation, was M scare of things, he is scared of everything very timid. Even tonight he asked his dad to left his bed so he could get the TV remote out, then he freaked out as he was too scared to go under incase the bed fell. Scare of noises, heights...
    That makes sense. this is important for future and how he treats people... He seemed to show this even the next day today, he said sorry to 17yr old because he wanted her to look after him while I was out, then he told her why he did it, “I hit you because that show made me angry”
    This is a nightmare I’m not up to this but have to be, or I’ll have another teenager with no respect for anyone but himself. I cant seem to raise boys L think it’s harder as I see the future and not sure I can make the changes to make any difference.
    Thanks for your plan Prevention, clean up and if it happens again. It will happen again just hope it’s not so full on.

    TeDo

    Thinking about this I think it was like he said but the build up or noise from the camp he did say when I picked him up he was “frustrated” I guess now when he came home, he knew what he needed was to chill out I should have sent him to his room for a movie, then he would have fallen asleep.
    Hope i can think before hand I just seem to not think things through surely I will get there, hope so for all our sakes.

    DaisyFace
    you summed that up well, I had started to think like this today, then had so much on my mind I didn’t ‘ full think it through. I have some planning to do. I have no idea what he could do though.

    Would going on the Ipad to play games help? Though he often seems to obsess over video games and there is a melt down after them. Think I answered that question hmm.
    InsaneCdn
    yep that is it.


    Thanks to everyone I love this site your all so wonderful
     
  9. keista

    keista New Member

    Sorry you live in isolation-ville. that does make things harder, but you've got a world of information at your fingertips via the internet, and you have us. I'm personally very happy to assist in "troubleshooting" situations from my perspective, and as you see, so is everyone else here. We won't always be 100% right, but might lead you to find the right answers.

    So, keep on keeping on, and keep reading and posting. :)
     
  10. Matty's Mummy

    Matty's Mummy Member

    thanks
    I made a mistake the chemit is 300klm way it's a 6hour round trip. night or morning. I'm off to bed just had the littlest one up sicking up. poor sweet boy.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Matty's Mum, you can actually do a lot of the interventions yourself at home. Go to Amazon and check out all the books on Aspergers. See which one catches your attention and maybe you can buy one that will give you ideas on how to handle him. Trust me, I know how Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids are. They just don't see things the way we do...lol. I'm sorry you are out there alone, but, of course, you are NEVER alone because we are here :)
     
  12. wethreepeeps

    wethreepeeps New Member

    I am very certain that TV does have a huge effect on some of our kids. An adult relative watched an episode of the vampire
    show True Blood with my difficult child in the room (grrr, last time difficult child spends the night there), and now, a year later, when difficult child is manic he will often bring up seeing a vampire bite someone on the tv show. The image is still stuck in his head.
     
  13. scott4431

    scott4431 New Member

    I realize I am new, but my quick two cents, like someone said above, don't let him watch that kind of TV (I have seen true blood, that is a weird show). Not sure and not qualified to say he has asphergers/autism, I used to deal with that through my own anxiety/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), regarding I would get images stuck in my head (such as I am getting sick, or having a heart attack when I may have felt a tiny bit of pain), and that would drive me crazy. How often does he bring up wanting to see someone be bitten by a vampire?
     
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