Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by SearchingForRainbows, Feb 27, 2007.

  1. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    I grew up in a very dysfunctional household. Looking back, I believe my mother, although never diagnosed, is bipolar. I also think my sister is bipolar as well. My father enabled my mother and sister to remain dependent on him for everything!!! He refused to believe that they needed professional help. He just kept explaining away their bad behaviors, poor judgement, etc...

    Anyway, I left home as soon as I could!!! I managed to maintain a distant relationship with my mother for the sake of my father. When I had children, I made it a point to let them know their grandchildren.

    I found out in November that my father did something so horrible that it has taken me months to accept the fact he did this even though I have proof. As a result, I need to cut off all ties with my parents permanently. The relationship is just too toxic.

    easy child understands why she will no longer be seeing her grandparents. She never was close to either one of them. difficult child 1 doesn't care. He never got along with them either. difficult child 2 idolizes my mother. He thinks she is the absolute best person in the world!!!

    I don't know how to explain to difficult child 2 that he can't see her anymore. I know he has overheard husband and I talking. I'm sure he has heard more than I would like him to know! However, I feel I need to tell him something. Somebody, please help!!! Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. WFEN
  2. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    I'd go with the safety explanation. That it's your number one job to keep difficult child safe; it's no longer safe to visit with his grandparents, for whatever reason.

    You don't have to go into details for difficult child. Be sad with difficult child, agree that it sucks but that is your job. Find ways to redirect questions & other activities for difficult child.

    I don't mean to sound harsh, however I'm coming from the end of someone not keeping my children safe; not taking the hard line.

    Good luck with this.
  3. Janna

    Janna New Member

    WFEN, he's 15? Much harder now, would be alot easier if he was younger. *sigh*

    I agree with Linda, I'd explain it's a safety issue. Try to be gentle, but firm. What else can you do?

    You have a hard task on your plate. I hope however you handle this, it works out for you.

  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I would use the safety issue as well. It's the truth. I'd commiserate with him how it stinks that this is the way it has to be, while stressing it is your job to keep him safe.

    I've had to do this with my kids during periods when my Mom was unstable. I never gave details. Now that they're older and understand more about her diagnosis, I can go into a bit more of what is going on. Although I still leave out most of the details.

  5. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Thank you everyone for the great advice!!! Luckily for me, difficult child 2 rarely digs deeper into things. He usually accepts basic answers
    and doesn't question them. For once, his disability is truly a blessing :angel: :rofl:!!!

    I'm going to think a little while longer before talking to him. I'm definitely going to use safety as the reason. I use safety alot around here anyway when I'm explaining to difficult child 1 and easy child why they can't do certain things.

    Thanks again. It's easier to talk to him when I don't need to second guess whether what I'm telling him is ok or not. I hope this makes sense... WFEN
  6. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    :sad: difficult child 2 blames me for not being able to see his grandparents. He refuses to believe anything I have to say. From his point of view, I've taken away his grandparents for no good reason!!!

    I truly understand how he could think this. In his mind, there is no way that the grandparents who were so happy to see him, bought him presents, made him cookies, told him what a great kid he was, etc... could ever do anything that wasn't perfect. As far as difficult child 2 is concerned, anyone who gives him presents or junk food is great!!! difficult child 2 only sees things in black and white terms, no shades of gray...

    However, I know I did the right thing. Hopefully, someday, in the future, he'll understand... For now, he just thinks I'm EVIL :sad: WFEN
  7. Loris

    Loris New Member

    I'm sorry he thinks that, but most kids would, in my humble opinion. They don't think like we do. Hopefully someday he'll understand.
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sorry sweetie. You know you are doing the right thing-I know that doesn't help much but you have to hang on to that. Hugs.
  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    I deal with this on a semi-regular basis; the tweedles frequently ask why they cannot see bio-mom.

    I don't go into the details other than to remind them my job is to keep them safe & love them.

    Does it fly? Some days yes - others, no.

    This anger will lessen, acceptance will gradually sink in for difficult child.

    Hugs to you & your family.
  10. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I've been meaning to thank you for your kind words and support for awhile now. It really helps just to vent!!! Thanks for letting me vent...

    Linda, since you are speaking from experience, I'm going to keep what you said in my mind... It makes lots of sense. Thank you. WFEN