How do I tell my 22yr difficult child her 3yr son might be a difficult child? its a long post

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Masta, Jun 24, 2011.

  1. Masta

    Masta Member

    I haven’t been on this forum for a while…and I wasn’t quiet sure where to post this because it involves my 22yr difficult child and my 3yr grandson.

    A bit of background history. My 22yr difficult child had issues since she was 4yrs. She ended up in a short term Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for 6mths at age 15yr (the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) said she was one of the longest staying patients they had and they didn’t know what to do with her). By the time she was 16yr old I signed her over voluntarily to foster-care for her own safety and for the well being of the rest of my family.

    Fast forward a couple of yrs… my 18yrs difficult child meets a 17yr male difficult child in a structured class for court ordered/state custody kids (he molested a 6yr girl and did 4yrs in juvie and was just released). my difficult child and the male difficult child decided to have a child together so my difficult child could get out of foster-care at 18.5yrs old. So my difficult child gets pregnant, she gets released from foster-care and she ends up marrying the 17yr male difficult child. My difficult child ends up moving in with her new in-laws. During all of this I stay guarded and watch from a distance, I attend her wedding and help out minimally. My difficult child is good at dragging me into her drama. so much happened during my difficult children pregnancy, she ended up leaving her difficult child hubby 1 week before her baby is due. She moved in with us. She had her the baby (allowed her hubby in for the birth) in 2008 and ends up leaving the hospital with her hubby and moved back in with him.

    Her difficult child hubby leaves the house with the 3 week old baby and doesn’t return, with the help of his bipolar mother they get a restraining order on my daughter claiming she wanted to kill herself and her baby. The my difficult children bipolar motherinlaw (im guessing is the one who molested her own son) wanted to raise the grandbaby as her own (she is a crazy woman). My difficult child moves back to our home coz she is homeless (the restraining order didn’t allow her back in the apartment she shared with her hubby). I was scared for the safety of my 3 week old grandson so we hire a lawyer and get the baby back. my hubby and I didn’t want difficult child moving back into our home again. We had gone through so many yrs of drama and stress with her.

    So we get the baby back, I run around with difficult child for 4mths getting services set up for her, got her on government housing, foodstamps etc. I wanted her self sufficient as soon as possible so I could get her out of my home. She fought with me, she didn’t want to run around to get all the services she needed (she didn’t think she needed any help). I did all the paperwork coz she is learning disabled. she roamed the streets in winter with her new baby all dolled up looking for a new man. I babysat my grandson while she went to work. I later found out she doesn’t end up going to work. I was so glad government housing came through so we moved her out, we made her pay us back for gasoline, lawyers and anything else I paid for. As soon as she moved out I got the government to pay for daycare, daycare starts calling me with concerns about the baby being dirty, hungry and having marks on him. I call my daughters mentor about it, to get advice. The mentor tells my difficult child. My difficult child goes to a payday loan place, gets a loan to pay us off for everything we paid for to help her get on her feet plus the lawyer, then she stopped talking to us (this happened approx june/july 2008).

    difficult child cut ties with all family members and hooks up with an illegal Hispanic who is approx 50yr+ old as soon as we moved her into her government housing. The illegal Hispanic worked at the same fastfood place difficult child worked at. difficult child gets pregnant again, this time to the illegal, her 2 kids are 15mths apart. All this time we have no relationship with difficult child. She get pregnant again to the illegal and ends up having 3 kids under 3yrs. Just before she was due to give birth to her 3[SUP]rd[/SUP] child I get in contact with her (the reason behind getting in contact is a long one, a death in the family and I had been in therapy for a yr due to the ptsd from having 3 difficult children, and my own abusive upbringing).

    I am very guarded when it comes to getting hurt from difficult child, she was a nightmare of a kid. I will not let her, her illegal boyfriend or her kids into my home (she doesn’t know this but im sure she is picking up on the fact I haven’t invited her over). My difficult children choice in partners has not been the best and to be honest I do not trust her judgment in people, I know nothing about this illegal guy she is with other than his first name. my daughter will not tell me anything about him (my son asked how old he was and she said old enough to drink) and I will not ask. Just before I got back in contact with my difficult child I was at her place of employment and I struck up a conversation with some people who work with her. they told me her illegal boyfriend doesn’t work, he looks after the kids and she isnt happy coz he wont do anything to help her with the kids other than watch them when she is at work. he expects her to cook and clean and feed the kids before she leaves for work. my difficult child has told me her boyfriend works, I know my difficult child is an habitual liar, she will say whatever you want to hear. She has been labeled a chameleon by many mental health professionals. She will do, say and act to get her way, but as soon as you turn your back she is back to her old ways.

    My difficult child always said there was nothing wrong with her when she was a teen, and that I had the problem, she use to bait me for responses/reaction all the time. the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) said they have never had a kid like her, she was the first female in 14yrs to be blocked from communicating with all the male staff. She never did get a diagnosis because she showed signs of so many diagnosis, from a.d.d, to mild aspergers/Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), to o.d.d, to severe c.a.p.d. She was tested for many yrs. At the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) she was tested again, she lied on the tests so they coudnt get an accurate diagnosis. The Residential Treatment Center (RTC) sent her to another hospital for testing and they were the ones who said she showed signs of so many diagnosis they didn’t know what was wrong with her. She had an IEP in school for c.a.p.d, a.d.d and emotional problems. She received mental health help while in fostercare. I was told by several mental health professionals that my difficult child showed signs of borderline and narcissistic personality disorders but they didn’t want to label her coz she was under 18yr old at the time.

    Now her firstborn child, who is 3yr 4mth son is showing signs of a.d.h.d, c.a.p.d, and O.D.D (same diagnosis my difficult child had). I understand he is 3yrs old, and that 3yr olds can be a handful, but every time I have been around him he has been out of control, he runs off knowing he isnt allowed to, he kicks and hits his mother in the grocery store if she tries to control his out of control behavior, he screams to get his own way, spits at people, constantly into things he shouldn’t, he reminds me of his mother. He looks at you and smiles when he knows he is doing wrong. He attention seeks. he will not accept the word no, he will keep asking and asking even though you tell him no many times. he runs off, waiting for you to come and get him with a smile on his face. Not once have I seen him behave. My daughter turns off and ignores his behavior. I use to stop whatever I was doing and address my childs behavior, put my child in timeout, apologize for my childs behavior, then go back to what I was doing. my daughter sometimes addresses her child behavior and sometimes she ignores it. she gets frustrated and says her child doesn’t act like this when her boyfriend is around. that is not true, he acts out of control no matter who is around. when others make comments or are frustrated with her child she ignores it.

    I suggested Headstart to my difficult child for her 3yr the other day, she said she worries about her 3yr “because he is very energetic”. I don’t know how to tell her that her child may have behavioral problems, since she never accepted she had problems herself. there is no way my difficult child will get her son tested, she will not accept that her kids have a problem. She has no health insurance, she thinks she is the mother of the year because she doesn’t feed her kids fast food (because she cant afford it and is living off of food stamps). the bio father to the 3yr has been in and out of jail on meth and drug charges. Up until I reconnected with my difficult child she allowed her son to visit with her ex and his family. my grandsons bio dad and his family have major pyscho, emotional issues on top of being filthy and raunting the govt for money coz they refuse to work. I think my difficult child used them as free daycare/respite (which boggles my mind considering they stole her child from her 3yrs ago and we went to court to get him back). the bio dad is a deadbeat dad, he never shows up for visitation, doesn’t pay child support, his family picks up my grandson when they are bored and its not consistent, they allow my grandson to do whatever he wants when he is with them (its easier to ignore a kid then teach him).

    My difficult child tries to discipline by doing time outs for 30 seconds but that doesn’t help at all. she walks away from the timeout chair and he runs off. difficult child is not consistent with parenting. I think she ignores most of his behaviors, she truly is overwhelmed with the 3 kids. She and her illegal partner would rather give in to the kids for some peace, than to discipline and teach them.

    To top everything off my hubby and my other kids want nothing to do with difficult child, and I don’t blame them. I don’t know how to keep balance in my family. my difficult child is a filthy person, her kids are always dirty, she drives with no license, I believe she doesn’t know how to discipline her kids and I can tell you its not fun visiting her with an out of control kids. (her 2yr old girl is starting to act out) Any advice on how to tell my difficult child her kid needs help? i almost regret getting back in contact with her. I dread every occasion/holiday/birthday coz I don’t know how to tell her she isnt welcome in my home so I make excuses to go to her home, meet in the park, or say I have other plans. I think her Hispanic boyfriend (who doesn’t speak any English) has picked up on the fact I will not help them financially (he called us white rich people). I will not cook, clean and raise their kids for them. i wonder why this Hispanic guy (who is older then hubby and I) is with my daughter, I believe his mental capacity isnt all there. why would he be with a 22yr old (who isnt functioning very well) if he is nearly 50yrs old. I think he is living off my daughter for free food, housing etc. the more kids they have the more food stamps and govt help they get. Only problem is my daughter isn’t a citizen, she is a legal permanent resident, so she ends up having to pay it all back with her taxes every yr.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    I don't have any answers for you... But if things are filthy, I would say call Children's Services... Otherwise... Just HUGS!!!
  3. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    omg. i would have called cps or whatever you have there to start an investigation and force her to get help.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    in my opinion only...there is nothing you can do to convince difficult child her child needs help. I wouldn't even go there unless you want more drama. If you feel you would like custody of her children, get in touch with social services. If you do not want to take custody of them, there is not a lot you can do. She is living a trainwreck and in my opinion you should detach from her now, as she is an adult.

    What you decide to do about the kids is your own personal decision. Some people with difficult child adult children try to get custody of the children. Some do not. It is really up to you. I say this with no judgment attached. You have a right to a sane life. If your daughter thinks she is normal, she is not going to think her child has any problems either. I do not believe there are any magic words.

    For the children's sake, call social services regardless. Those kids need help and to get away from there.
  5. Masta

    Masta Member

    i have told my therapist and she has informed CPS. so its in the process. i have called CPS myself in the past, but because there are so many children worse off, abused etc and there arent enough foster homes out there CPS wont do much about the filth. my daughter will tidy up but nothing is ever really clean. her kids including the newborn never look clean to me. my difficult child never liked to bath when she lived with us. she would turn on the shower and never hop in, she would warm her feet near the vents instead... one incident that still makes me cringes was that i once found over 20 used menstrual pads in her bathrobe. i didnt know about the pads till the bathrobe and pads went through my washing machine.

    as for my therapist calling CPS, she has suggested to CPS to enforce parenting classes because the kids arent being watched properly at home. so many incidences have happened with the grandkids since i have been back in contact with them, 3yr has plugged in an iron and burnt 2yr old, difficult child wasnt at home so her boyfriend put mustard on the 2yrs old burns. my difficult child had an oil fire in her kitchen, she ran into the bedroom with her kids while the boyfriend put out the oil fire with water. difficult child should have left her 1 story apartment, but because it was winter/snowing she grabbed all 3 of her kids and hid. i told her to leave the apartment if that happens again... she doesnt like to be told/or given advice. and when i do give advice it falls on deaf ears.

    i want to be a loving grandma, but i cannot handle the defiance and out of control behaviour from my grandkids.
  6. Masta

    Masta Member

    Midwestmom: i will never go for custody of my grandkids. i will not allow anymore drama in my home. im nearly done raising my own kids and i dont plan to start over by raising my grandkids.

    my therapist suggested the family meet in a neutral location for Thanksgiving, Christmas etc an all you can eat restaurant like Chuckarama... the only problem is her kids are out of control, which makes dining out nearly impossible with them (ive taken her whole family out to a restaurant, she sat down the whole time while i ran after her kids). now when we are at the park or somewhere i dont run after them, her kids are not my responsibility.

    i was hoping i could gently break the news to difficult child that her kid needs help, and i was also hoping that Headstart would tell her that her child has problems. what i want is a healthy relationship with her and her kids, by the looks of things thats not going to happen :(
  7. april1974

    april1974 New Member

    I think the best thing you can do is phone cps,
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911

    This is probably going to sound the most harsh thing I have ever said. To heck with CPS. Go to Family court locallay and as them to calll ICE. Not so much for the immigrant thing - but for the children.

    Once HE is out of the picture it's a house of cards. SHE can't work if HE isn't there to watch the kids. IF he's not there? She can NOT handle THREE children on her own. Apparently HE is not doing anything to help the children anyway if they are filthy so I'm not seeing him as a necessary helpmate. With him out of the picture - ICE will call someone to come get the kids. THEY will do an evaluation or involve CPS and the police. Once that is done? The rest will be taken care of by the state foster care system and those children WILL get services because I would imagine a court ordered something would be put in place for your daughter and the idiot father of the first child to follow.

    I think you need to get an audience with a judge in family court - they're not completely innaproachable. Call the courthouse, talk to a clerk and ask them how you get a meeting with one - and go from there. Tell them you want a judge that is a MOTHER and a Grandmother if possible and ask for 30 minutes or 15 at the least. Have what you want to say well thought out - stick to FACTS not emotions and BEG for guidance. Basically? Read her what you just typed us. It was very to the point, matter of fact and non-emotional.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is nice to see you after so long, but i am sorry about the circumstances taht brought you back! I remember how hard things were when she was living with you. It is hard to say, but I doubt you will EVER have a healthy relationship with any of them. Severely limit contact if you cannot cut it. It is highly doubtful that the kids have much chance of having a different life. If CPS gets involved she MIGHT do what is needed to get them back but she might just have a few more to replace them. I have seen it happen in a girl I was close to utnil I was six. Like this girl, with a mentally ill parent, they are strongly disposed to having the problems that their mom has. So they truly many not be able to have the type of relationship you want. in my opinion the ODD might turn out to be the best thing. They COULD use that to say "mom won't let us bathe, I want to bathe three times a day - WITH SOAP!!" and the like WHEN THEY ARE OLDER. Right now? Do they know what baths are?

    I do think calls to cps each time you see something, or tell your therapist and have her call each time. I guess they put mustard on the burn because they were out of butter and it is yellow like butter. IT is the ONLY reason I can think of. At least mustard is water based and wouldn't hold the heat in and make the burn so much worse the way butter would. That just has me astounded.

    Cutting ties is the ONLY way to prevent the drama in your life. If you are in contact iwth her the drama is going to be there. But her tell you what you want to hear thing could work to help reduce your drama if you can take what she says at face value. I don't think you can. I couldn't. And you wouldn't be so worried if you could, Know what I mean??

    She is NOT going to do anything about her kids even if she thinks they are difficult children. Well, she MIGHT change and start yelling more or hitting/spanking when they misbehave "because they are diong it on purpose", but mostly she is going to continue in her fantasy world.

    Tell her what you need to say, but she may choose to cut contact if you say they have the problems she doesn't think she has. Or any problems. Regardless, she isn't going to take them anywhere for help or believe anyone who says they have problems. I wish it was different.